"Entitled" - jamiejay

mjjason-

I'm actually not sure what school was like during fairy tale times. That's a good question. But, as castles and villages and school houses did all exist at the same time at some point in history, the setting of this story would be then :)

I was wondering when someone would get around to asking about the original fairy tale.

I really wanted to go more in the direction of fantasy than sci fi and I was thinking of all the fairy tales that hadn't had too much exposure and I thought of Rumpelstiltskin. It occurred to me that it was an odd fairy tale where characters do things that make very little sense and I wanted to add a backstory that would explain things a little. If you have never read it, here is a link for you to do so if you would like to. It's very short and it would clarify some things :)

http://www.surlalunefairytales.com/rumpelstiltskin/index.html

If you don't feel like reading it, here are a few of the connections to the story:

1. A miller brags to the king that his daughter can spin straw into gold (and the king locks her in a room with gold and a spinning wheel and threatens to kill her if she doesn't do it)
-I thought, why would her father do that?

2. Rumpelstiltskin spins the gold for her three times and she takes the credit (I made it that he was in love with her). The first time, she gives him her necklace as payment (which I added in my script and made that act of giving him back the jewelry almost cruel on her part... since she now hated him and all...also, him accepting a silly necklace when he has the ability to spin gold didn't make sense, but him loving her fixed that in my mind). Second, she gives him her ring (also from my script). Third, she promises him her first born child because the king will kill her if she doesn't spin the straw.

3. The king marries the daughter after the third time she spins the gold. (I referenced this when Muriel says she wants to marry king someday)

4. In the fairy tale, Rumpelstiltskin comes to get her first born and she offers him all the riches in the world, which he refuses because a life is more valuable (which works with my script because he is obviously lonely) but he feels sorry for her and gives her 3 days to guess his name and, if she can, he will let her keep the kid (hence the fact that she never learns his name and the last scene in my script)

5. In the story, it is the king's messenger who overhears Rumpelstiltskin singing in the woods and discovers his name and goes back and tells the queen and saves the day(this is Edgar, though that is pretty subtle and most people who know the story probably wouldn't even figure that out)

6. When she guesses his name, he is so angry he stomps his foot into the ground, grabs his other leg, and tears himself in two (no reference to this in my script, but I wanted you to know this if you didn't go to the above link because it is such a twisted fairy tale ending ;)
 
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MiataFilmSomething said:
A neat story that provides the chance for some great visuals. I could imagine the cottage and all the ingredients in my mind. Great writing style to be able to do that.

I would have liked to see a little more tension or development in the script. I imagine that with the filming style this could be done.

Hopefully gritty fairy tale movies will make a comeback. Pan's Labyrinth got things kicking off for us all I hope.

Good job!
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Thank you for reading my script and for the review.

I definitely would have loved to add more and developed it even further.

I can't believe I haven't seen Pan's Labyrinth yet! I've heard so much about it and I'm dying to see it. In fact, I will definitely go get it this weekend. :dankk2:
 
I was already intending to be complimentary in my post, but reading your synopsis of the "Rumplestiltskin" fairy tale gave me an ever greater appreciation for what you've done here. Your script dovetails with that just as nicely as the ingredients of his potion match his history with Muriel.

I had no problem with Muriel's father inviting the Goblin to dinner instead of Edgar because, well... the Goblin can do frickin' magic! :D

A fun read, and nicely done.
 
Jamie
This is very good. And a very smart idea based on an old classic. I love how you ended with his name and revealed this classic little schemer in the last word of your script. This could totally be expanded and made into a twisted little movie starring Clint Howard. I went back and read the fairy tale. It is amazing how a story becomes such a classic and doesn't explain important motivation and reasoning. I guess readers have become much less forgiving. I know it bothered me that it didn't explain the things you mentioned above. So I am going to apply your explainations to the classic story and accept it at that. Him ripping himself in two does make up for alot. I hope you will continue writing and maybe develop this into a feature screenplay.
 
Captain-
Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you liked it. It's good to know that readers have picked up on the fact that the ingredients for the potion related to each flashback. Sometimes it's hard to tell what's obvious and what isn't. Thanks again :)
 
I'm glad I could clear a few things up for you...haha... And I could definitely see Clint Howard in the role. Thank you David :)
 
You used to be cool. We all have stars now. :costumed-smiley-047

So when are the results in? I'm thinking you're going to be up there, chilly bean.
 
Nice job, cool story and well written. I enjoyed reading it, and after I had to go back and make sure it was only 6 pages , it was such a complete story it shouldn't have been able to fit within that amount of pages but it did. I hope my comment makes sense . Great job again.
Pauly
 
pauly_the_hitman said:
Nice job, cool story and well written. I enjoyed reading it, and after I had to go back and make sure it was only 6 pages , it was such a complete story it shouldn't have been able to fit within that amount of pages but it did. I hope my comment makes sense . Great job again.
Pauly
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Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.

I have never written a script; I'm used to writing short stories where I can be more descriptive and wordy, so I did find the constraints a challenge. But I remembered my creative writing professor once telling me that a great poet is able to get the reader to feel a specific feeling, to see what the poet wants them to see, using as few words as possible... so they have to be just the right words. I approached the script using that philosophy and I had to be very choosy in my editing. It wasn't easy, but, aside from a few more places where I would have liked to elaborate, I think it made it a better script in the end. Glad you enjoyed it!

:dankk2:
 
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Enjoyed this one. Huge fan of fairytales and think you did this one justice. Old, ooooooooold memories.

Only two issues ...

In them olden days, people pretty much lived in the same houses for generations. If Muriel was the Goblin's neighbor, how would she not know his name? I think that needs to be addressed.

Also, no big surprises. Pretty much straight forward. I think you handled the 'mistake' requirement perfectly, but I guess I was hoping for some redemption, and he would somehow switch identities with the messanger. Some of the best discoveries are through mistakes.

I think the goblin was much more likeable than the messanger. I was rootin' for him.

Nice job on packing a full story into 6 pages.

Alex
 
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alex whitmer said:
Enjoyed this one. Huge fan of fairytales and think you did this one justice.
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Thank you :)

alex whitmer said:
Only two issues ...
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I've been waiting for you to get to me and, I have to say, I had no idea what to expect so... wow.

alex whitmer said:
In them olden days, people pretty much lived in the same houses for generations. If Muriel was the Goblin's neighbor, how would she not know his name? I think that needs to be addressed.
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My thinking was that he was a recluse and that people basically overlooked him as a freak and avoided him normally. In fact, Muriel was the only one who ever treated him with any respect at all, which is why he falls in love with her.

She asks him his name as a child and he seems to purposely avoid answering. If I expanded the script, it might even be interesting to explore the importance of knowing his name more in depth... like maybe a goblin's name has some magical significance.

You've got me thinking of another part of the fairytale that could be addressed here. Why would he rip himself in two? Maybe discovering a goblin's name is a way to ward him off... and he is forced to destroy himself... It would be an interesting twist.

alex whitmer said:
Also, no big surprises. Pretty much straight forward. I think you handled the 'mistake' requirement perfectly, but I guess I was hoping for some redemption, and he would somehow switch identities with the messanger. Some of the best discoveries are through mistakes.

I think the goblin was much more likeable than the messanger. I was rootin' for him.
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 Unfortunately, since it was a prequel to a story that already existed, redemption was never really a viable option for me, but I did like the goblin. Even in Rumpelstiltskin, despite the fact that he wanted to take her child, I thought he was given the raw end of the deal because he saved her life and she took credit for the gold and he got nothing in return.

But I did try to make him evil enough that it's hard to feel too sorry for him... I mean, he killed her cat, he crippled a kid, he made Edgar sick, etc.

If you knew he was Rumpelstiltskin already, I guess there was no surprise. For me, the big reveal was the identity of the goblin. I suppose, if you took the fairy tale out of the equation, this would be pretty straightforward and twist-less ;)

If it wasn't a prequel, I definitely would have tried to find a way to switch it up, and then it would have been a good idea to have him take over Edgar's body and lock Edgar in his own so he could take Edgar's place at dinner... and the twist could be that she kisses him while he is in Edgar's body after she swallows the potion and the goblin accidentally gets some of his own medicine and he ends up hating her as well... and he kills her by ripping her heart out and eating it. But that wouldn't work for Rumpelstiltskin so I will have to save it for his brother ;)



Thank you for reading and I appreciate the kind words! I'm glad you liked it! :beer:
 
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jamiejay said:
If I expanded the script, it might even be interesting to explore the importance of knowing his name more in depth... like maybe a goblin's name has some magical significance.

You've got me thinking of another part of the fairytale that could be addressed here. Why would he rip himself in two? Maybe discovering a goblin's name is a way to ward him off... and he is forced to destroy himself... It would be an interesting twist.:beer:
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Yes it would. Like the idea a lot.

I don't think every film needs to have a twist, or even a surprise. They often feel forced, jammed in at the end because of the perception they need to be there. I'm a firm believer in the 'tao of scripts', and if a twist doesn't want to be there, then leave it out.

Yours however, has room for one IMHO. You have a few good suggestion here (I only quoted one because I cannot, cannot, cannot figure out how to do those multiple quote boxes. I'm about ready to try something really blonde), especially your take on him switching identities with the Messenger. The Goblin has always seen her through his own eyes, but once he has another perspective, he sees a very different Mariel. Yeah, that could work, and now he has to figure out how to undo what he has done.

I don't know, something.

Not sure if you know who James Branch Cabel is, but if you ever get the chance read Domania - a comedy of romance. SPOILER ... Its basically about an entire life pursuing true love, but once he finally gets it, he loses interest. It was the pursuit that drove him, not the love itself.

You could possibly weave in something like that - mixed with the need to protect his name. Maybe turn the table, and she ends up loving him.

Or not.

Let it breathe.

I'd love to read the whole thing someday!

Alex

p.s.

There was a group of writers from the turn of the previous century and on up to the 30s that really started modern fantacy, which drew heavily from the old fairy tales and brothers Grimm. Some were much more 'grown up' however, and used a much more eloquent English then we see today. Very fun reads if you are a reader. You may need a thesaurus.

James Branch Cabel ( Jurgen is his most famous, but I'm partial to A Rivet in Grandfather's Neck )
William Morris ( I suggest Lilith or Phantasties )
George MacDonald ( At the back of the North Wind - Childrens )
Lewis Carrol was also part of this group.

Tolkien was certainly indebted to these guys.
 
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Loved this one! I have nothing at all to say against it. Great story and I was hooked all the way to the end. Excellent. :thumbup::beer:
 
Alex-

Thank you for the suggestions. I will be sure to read up on those authors because I'm a huge fan of Lewis Carrol and Tolkien. I'm most definitely a reader, and, if I could have my way, I would write for a living as well. I would love to try to write a book of new fairy tales, rather than just twisting old ones. And adult fairy tales are some of the best; I loved Wicked (the book; I've never seen the musical).

I do wish I had thought of having the goblin take Edgar's body for the dinner as you suggested, but he did have to still love her to make it work for the Rumpelstiltskin angle, so I don't know how it would have worked there. I would have figured something out though. It honestly never occurred to me. Grrr. :)

I will let you know if I rework it. Thanks again.

Jamie
 
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