Daydream Sheriff

I'm a little behind in my reviews, so I just read this. I liked it a lot. I made me smile pretty much throughout.

I agree with everyone else about the 'talking to himself' thing, its a little unrealistic. But my biggest concern was the instant transition to wimp to badass at then end. Gave me a Wanted feel. You could have spaced the transition a little more and had it be gradual instead of instant.

I do like that you made it clear that it was a dream right from the start, but I would have liked it better if he was, say, watching the Western on TV, then he gets bored and he's a little pissy about the failed phone call, so he gets up and starts toting a fake gun or something, pretending he's a BAMF, then he slips and knocks himself out, that would also tie in to him being passed out at the beginning of the dream.

You could have also added in the description of his actual house that he has a 300 or a Die Hard poster on the wall, just to tie things together a bit more.

I really think you did a good job though, especially with the page limit. And I do agree that 'There is no spoon', was the best line. It made me laugh pretty hard, being a huge Matrix fan.
 
Oh it's from the Matrix movie.

That explains it.
I'm a huge non-fan of that series so wouldn't have picked up that one at all.

One other thing that puzzles me slightly and it's nit pickingly small, is the mentioning of the unpaid bills. I thought these were going to be significant but they were never brought up again. What was the point?

Isn't there some adage that if it adds nothing to the plot then don't include it?
 
nouou said:
you really need to get out and see more films.
Click to expand...

That's not really a helpful comment nouou.
For all you know I might be a theatre projectionists.

If I'm wrong I'd prefer you just said so as I'm unsure of how to interpret what you did say. Maybe I'm thick.
 
leepback, adding things to your script that don't advance the plot is not really necessary, but it helps create a realistic setting when you're trying to describe a person's daily life.
 
Thanks Ezekiel,

That explanation seems plausible.

The adage I quoted wasn't really mine, just repeating what I once heard at a scriptwriting seminar (it was free so maybe you get what you pay for)
 
Funny stuff! I enjoyed this one a lot. I like the way you were able to tie in Clark's real life trouble to his fantasy life fun. The whole story was fun, easy to read and enjoyable. Thank you for making me laugh!
 
this was great. my only suggestion is to change the cat at the end to a big slobbering dog, it's more disgusting (and funny).
 
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