Daydream Sheriff

J

JBelzberg

New member
DAYDREAM SHERIFF

A meek nerd falls asleep and wakes up as a fictional cowboy. He has to become more confident in order take down a rogue bandit and save the girl of his dreams.
 
I like that you carried the "nerd" thread through the whole thing. I won't give away the ending, but the gunfight scene was pretty funny.

My biggest critique of the piece is when he's in his home (his real home) and he's talking to himself. That dialog was a bit to much exposition for my tastes. I think the audience understands without him explaining himself to no one. If that makes sense. :)

Thanks for the a lighthearted script in a genre that can get heavy fast.
 
Hi JB, thanks for the read, I enjoyed it.

As stated above, it is very lighthearted and is a classic geek tale, the problem with this is he figures out the truth too early so he has no conflict to deal with, it is too easy for him. Your Clark character is good and the Pete character is a typical western baddy, you get that across well. The ending is quite nice, with his dream giving him a new level of confidance.

Overall a good script, but as I have stated it has no conflict, so you feel nothing towards the lead character in his no-lose situation. Keep writing.
 
I read all the scripts quickly first time through, just to get a 'flavour'. Daydream Sheriff was funny and entertaining. I could imagine it on screen, but strange... almost like an episode in a series of Daydream... (Detective... Surfer... Doctor...???) Also, the closing lines were tight, concise... Really liked it!
 
This was a lightly amusing script that drifted along quite merrily at its own pace hehe. I think perhaps evoking a little more sympathy from the audience towards your character might make the piece more 'charming' unless your going for an Adrian Mole type 'nerd' character!

The references to other movies are cute (though a lot of film directors i know can be uncomfortable referencing othe films like that - not all obviously - funny one that!)

I think there is room for more jokes, and more charm etc. Thee palpable nerd is a vital part of sillyness and who should know better than the men of this forum hehe.

Him attempting to chat up the girl Kate etc is a decent motivation and resolution to the story and is imo a fairly efficient way of playing with a 'dream' story (than with the last paragraph reveal.)

However I do think this piece needs a few more giggles (unless im missing some kind of napoleon dynamite humour here) in which case it may well be in its direction - but even then such subtleties could be better indicated.

But a charming little adventure and a nice change :p
 
Well I must say this was an enjoyable little fantasy tale you've told here.

I really like how you structured it as a dream from the beginning rather than going for a "it was all a dream" twist at the end.

You're writing style was good and easy to follow. Nothing confused me and nothing really took me out of the story.

I like how, through the dream, he gains confidence to not give up so easily with Kate.

The only thing was, I would've liked to actually see him really shed the nerdy, wimp persona a little more. He figured out that he could manipulate the dream, which was cool, but I'd like to see him turn gradually from wimp to brave rather than just stoping the bullets and sending them back at Pete. And instead of the other bandits running off, maybe he could take them out systematically looking like an even bigger hero. Just a thought.

I loved when he discovered he could manipulate the dream and turned himself into the guy from 300 and John McClane. "Yippe-kay-yay motherf*cker" that cracked me up.

I like how you kept it lighthearted and didn't try to go overly-serious with it.

All in all, I thought you did a great job. An enjoyable read, sir!
 
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just read this script

what a fun read. i was actually LOLing while reading this.

this was a really fast read, which i think is really good. the story wasn't confusing at all.

There is no spoon.
Click to expand...
best line, lmao.

when Clark first wakes up in his dream, you wrote: CLARK'S POV:. and then there is an entire paragraph following that. from my experience, you should only have what actually happens in Clark's POV after such. After you wrote 'he looks around', i would've started a new paragraph, unless he we see Judy from his POV also, but you get what i mean.


good job.
 
This is a fun , light hearted read. Its written well and easy to follow.
I liked your main character. I do agree a little more conflict after he arrives would be nice and the gunfight while I did enjoy it, ended a bit abruptly. I like the idea of him also dealing with the other bad guys, but in some creative fun way.

Him as Leonidas, very funny.

I liked how it all came full circle and he calls Kate back with new found confidence.
Entertaining script. Well done!
 
Engrossing read, solid vision, needs minor minor tweaks.

After the dream is fleshed out, I was thinking to myself, "but how is he going to tie the Western into reality and make the two interact with each other?" And sure enough, you did it. I was pleasantly surprised by this Matrix/Back to the Future/High School Rom-Com fusion. It takes a lot of talent to make the "It was just a dream" both work as a plot and as anything satisfying for the audience. So Bravo!

The dialogue is great too. Some of these lines like ("How can you help me? Dying would be
a nice start," and "Cant we just work things out? I don’t like fights.") are absolutely priceless. You develop characters through dialogue. I could also see these events unfolding before me, the characters interacting. All of this is very good.

The parody aspect in the script was good, but for my tastes it could have been used more creatively, and it's really piled on at the end, and it's pretty absent at the beginning. I'd like a bit more consistency in the use of parody in the whole script. It would not just be an original Western, but an original parody, b/c I've never heard of a "It was just a dream," parodies in my life.

When he thinks he's trapped in a dream, that monologue on pgs. 5-6 really could be more of a terrifying, hair-raising moment. I felt like it left me off the hook to early--I'd like to feel like for a longer moment: maybe he is stuck here, maybe this isn't just a dream, maybe there can be clues that he was actually put here: Bill and Ted's phone booth? Then BAM! Something tips him off, wait this is a dream. Go to Sparta and the hilarity that ensues. Extend that part more and include some more visuals, do more showing than telling in your writing in that part to expand that moment.

Thanks for submitting. It was different in a good way.
 
As this opened up I had no idea where you were going to take it. THEN, with the TV it turned western. Okay, that's something no one else did. As a comedy, I'm afraid it didn't really deliver the laughs for me, more the occasional smile.

I liked that he stayed in character, even in his dream. I thought the entire talking to himself was a bit on the nose, though.

The dialogue is a little hard to critique because it is a dream and anything can happen in a dream so I just went with it.

I didn't find his new found assertiveness at the end to be realistic, though. Just a little too quick and easy for my taste.

If you're going to give CLARK'S POV, you have to bring us out of it and BACK TO SCENE so we don't continue to read, thinking we are still in his POV.

Thanks for sharing.
 
this script was lighthearted and entertaining.

i like that it's not a typical western and it's not a typical dream sequence. you had some funny situations here and there. his changing into other characters was great and the reference from the matrix did make me laugh.

the only nitpick i have is when the character talks to himself. maybe his talking to a dog or a cat while watching tv would have worked... it definitely would have added to his nerdy character. ;)

nice work. :)
 
I got a kick out of this one. :) Nice concept and setup. It's a well rounded piece and well written too. I like the tag at the end, and the cat licking, which is a little cliche, but still got a good laugh out of me. With the right actor, I think this would be a great movie.

I agree that him talking to himself could be a little awkward, and it could either be that kind of "inside the head" voice over, or a good actor could pull it off as written.

I enjoyed it and it was a nice quick read. It's refreshing to see a comedy in here too.
 
This was quaint and funny, but as Lawrie said I think it needs a push in the right direction to really bring out the laughs.

The talking to himself feels weird, give him something or someone to play off of.

It ended well too with Kate, how the dream gave him confidence. I liked it, nice job.
 
I have just read this now and let me say that I'm a bit disappointed.

Don't worry I'm not disappointed with your efforts as I found yours to be one of the most entertaining scripts and easiest I have read so far.

What I'm disappointed in is that my non-competition (as in I found this competition too late and just wrote it in the last two days) script that I posted today has one major element similar to yours. Mainly the TV.

Wow, this has taken the wind out of my sails a little. Really though, they are fairly dissimilar stories so I hope you realise there's no plagiarism intended. Funny, I put a post up the other day on HV20.com explaining how there was no chance at originality these days. Anyway have a read of mine if you get a chance (see my sig.)

Anyway back to your script....one question is regarding the line "there is no spoon".

Others seem to think this is funny but I'm just not in on this joke at all.
I take it that it's a homage to some film that I am totally ignorant of.

Please enlighten me.

Thanks and good luck with the voting.
 
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