Dad's Famous Bedtime Stories

dtroop506

dtroop506

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A loving father tries to help his young son fall asleep by telling him one of his famous bedtime stories. Unfortunately, Dad's stories tend to scare the crap out of everyone.
 

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Aside from a spelling error (fasted should be fastest) and the absent title, and Dad's last line, I thought this was amusing. What was Dad's last line to his son? Pleasant dreams, sweetheart.
 
Opening sentence is clunky. Queen with wooden leg is funny. Dad is already sitting next to Nicky, redundant sentence. A nice one note short. I liked how quirky the dad was.
 
The bedtime stories were great - lots of fun. Dad has a fantastic imagination. Some thoughts:

The father's dialogue, especially in the beginning, doesn't ring true to me. While I am certainly not representative of all fathers, it's not how I speak to my daughters (one of whom is Nicky's age) and I suspect it's not how most parents talk to their kids. Specifically there's not really the "pals" and "buddies" at least I don't think so. Now it may (again, survey of one) be me simply having daughters rather than a son, and I suppose if I'm being honest, I do slip in a "sweetie" now and again as a term of endearment. But it does seem a bit forced here. It's almost as though you're trying to define Dad as a "nice" guy in the mold of Ward Cleaver. If this is done for this specific effect, I suppose it's ok, but it seemed off. Also things like "one of old Dad's famous bedtime stories" feel like it's telegraphing the joke too much. It's almost as though you're saying "hey, funny unexpected bedtime story coming up" My sense is the drama would play better if you get to the stories and let the viewer realized how f'd up they are without teeing it up so much. While the absurdity of the stories shouldn't come out of nowhere, I think they could come as more of a surprise.

I also suspect the story might play better if you show Nicky's fear and not have him say stuff like "your stories give me nightmares" and "your stories are pretty scary" Let the viewer discover this on their own. That way you posit the question in the beginning - why is Nicky scared? and you answer it not by Nicky's assertions but by allowing the viewer to figure it out. Not sure if I'm making sense here, but as the script is now it feels like a connect the dots puzzle where the dots in the beginning are too close together.

You could still make the transition into the stories work. Maybe something like:

DAD: It's okay. It's just a little wind. I know what you need.
If it's even possible, Nicky scrunches down deeper into the bed under his covers.
DAD: Remember the last night's story about the beautiful princess?
NICKY (bit shaken): uh-huh. And her head getting chopped off...
DAD: Well, I think it's time for another story!

And then you're off to the races.

The beauty of this script is, of course these stories of Dads. Simply awesome. I mean, a line like vultures sweeping down and picking apart a bloody caracas like a bus full of seniors at the Old Country Buffet? I literally laughed out loud.

All of these thoughts are offered in the way of constructive criticism and free advice is generally worth what you paid for it...

Really enjoyed it.

Craig
 
Thanks for the comments and suggestions, Craig. They are greatly appreciated.
As far as the Dad, he is a combination of three classic TV Dads...Ward Cleaver, Mike Brady, but mostly Phil Dunphy.
 
I loved it! Simply loved! It's an excellent entry, I think, I'll ask my 11 year old to read it later. The stories are beautiful, the dad is awesome for telling those stories. Sorry, I don't have any constructive criticism for you:)
 
Thank you, KhamIsk, for your honest review. You make some valid points.
Seriously, I'm glad you liked it. My goal was to have some fun with the story and characters. (And to enter on time.)
So, if this made you laugh, I feel I have accomplished something.
Thanks again.
 
Why is there no title page?

Nice opening, it was easy to feel the kid's dread. I like this dad. It would be nice to see this story animated as he tells it. The kids,'busted gut' line could be better if it went even more adult like 'got a hernia' (well you get the idea, give us something out there, this is clearly not a normal family. This was a great little story. Make this baby a series with increasingly inappropriate bed time stories. :)

Typo:
- "I'm the FASTED of all the animals"
 
“NICKY
What was the lesson in The Queen
with the Wooden Leg?

DAD
Not to eat too much sugar.”
Click to expand...

Brilliant!

But why follow it up with the bit about his intent? And then explain the execution behind that intent with the line, “But in a fun way.”

This short is all about performance and dialog and I don’t see how it can’t even work as a brilliantly funny Radio play, even.
Provided you take away a few of those reinforcing redundancies. They act a bit like crutches and I personally think you are skilled enough to back your dialogs by keeping them to curt one or two sentences, tops.

He mentions his stories serving as important life lessons a few times, when you could do with a couple.

Also, while your setting and characters makes this extremely filmable on a lo/no budet, and I hope it gets made, you do need to play a bit with sounds, actions, infuse a bit of cinematic stylings.

For example, When dad narrates the tortoise and hare tale, have him play both characters, use Nicky’s football helmet and pads to play tortoise, put socks over his ears like the hare, actually create havoc in the kid’s room. J\:D

This is really great fun, with some punchlines that would make the grown-ups pleased as punch too!

Reminds me of “The Princess Bride” but on a great macro scale with extremely vivid characters.

Love it! Should be a top contender.
 
I really enjoyed this one a lot! Great dialogue - lots of personality and humour - and although it's not entirely naturalistic I think that suits the mood. The style is consistent and that's what matters. My main issue is that a script should be a visual blueprint and this gives little reference to what we are seeing. I think you can do a whole lot more showing and less telling, especially with the kid. Even consider describing visual or two for the stories? How great would it be to have an animated thought bubble showing the tortoise and the hare for example? Or even cut aways to it with the Dad's V.O. running over it. I think a director would do something like that anyway but it's a good idea to create visuals in the reader's head with your script, to fully show your idea's cinematic potential.

BUT that certainly didn't impact what an enjoyable read this was. Good fun and a clever idea. Well done!
 
Rusty,

No, YOU are too kind.

Thanks for your kind (oops, redundant) words. I appreciate all the free advice and constructive criticism I can get from all the very talented writers on this site as well as MP. If only I can learn to apply it.

Thanks again, my friend.
 
Sarah,

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.
I do tend to be heavy on dialogs (that comes from writing stage plays and radio skits when I was younger) and am really trying to break that habit. Maybe one day I'll write a screenplay about Helen Keller in a library. (Was that inappropriate?)

Thanks again.
Go, Zorgon !
 
Hehe Helen Keller in a library - it could be very touching :p And you're very welcome! I really enjoyed your script and hey - writing descriptions is easy - writing dialogue is tough so you've got the important part nailed :)
 
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