Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
A lone hiker finds a downed spaceship in time to learn the terrible truth of its contents.
Last edited:
CONTAINMENT by Chris Keaton
- Thread starter Chris_Keaton
- Start date
A lone hiker finds a downed spaceship in time to learn the terrible truth of its contents.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
I'm finally jumping in on my script and I'm halfway through.
Egg Born Son
Veteran
Love the poster
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
Very nice! I'm normally not one for calling out sound effects in script action, but it was a very effective use here and brought be further into the world you were creating. I also love the arch of the story. These "flash fiction" pieces are hard for me. I usually need at least 20 pages before I can start crafting any real narrative, but this was an excellently fashioned, complete story and it really captured my imagination.
Thanks for the entertaining read.
Thanks for the entertaining read.
taylormade
Well-known member
Not really much of an uplifting concept - as far as humans are concerned. Cool idea of a ship contaminating earth and the "owners" cleaning up their mess to the detriment of all life on earth.
Seemed a bit heavy on sound effects, things like CRASH! and then describing the crash as the sound of a crash.
I take it Cord was peeking at the "peek".
Commas do exist for a reason. (After - He sits down... After - the shooting star twists... You get the idea.) Maybe just a tad more proofreading?
Some of the dialogue seemed a little too expository, especially the broken leg line and the "Run. Chance of a lifetime." bit. Show us, don't explain it.
I don't care for the conceit of Cord constantly talking to himself. It's just too on the nose.
"Cord reaches what probably is the front of the ship. He stands in awe taking the spacehip." Does it matter if it's the front of the ship, and from your description, it still only might be. I assume he's "taking in" the spacehip?
The alien PA system is what, slowly converting to English so Cord can discover his fate? That seems a bit convenient. And what is the purpose of the PA in the first place? It equates to setting up a warning system in front of an anthill before spraying it with Raid.
Still, I love the concept and the ending. Thanks for an entertaining read.
Seemed a bit heavy on sound effects, things like CRASH! and then describing the crash as the sound of a crash.
I take it Cord was peeking at the "peek".
Commas do exist for a reason. (After - He sits down... After - the shooting star twists... You get the idea.) Maybe just a tad more proofreading?
Some of the dialogue seemed a little too expository, especially the broken leg line and the "Run. Chance of a lifetime." bit. Show us, don't explain it.
I don't care for the conceit of Cord constantly talking to himself. It's just too on the nose.
"Cord reaches what probably is the front of the ship. He stands in awe taking the spacehip." Does it matter if it's the front of the ship, and from your description, it still only might be. I assume he's "taking in" the spacehip?
The alien PA system is what, slowly converting to English so Cord can discover his fate? That seems a bit convenient. And what is the purpose of the PA in the first place? It equates to setting up a warning system in front of an anthill before spraying it with Raid.
Still, I love the concept and the ending. Thanks for an entertaining read.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Thanks guys. I almost didn't make it into this one. I finished the version you are reading the day of the deadline.
Now when the guy gets scanned is when the ship learns his language. I did have the ship originally ask the man to notify their leadership and to assist in the containment. I think I'll have his phone working and have his girlfriend on the other end of the line and at the end she can say, 'the stars' or something of the sort and he falls over on his back and watched the sterilization commence.
Now when the guy gets scanned is when the ship learns his language. I did have the ship originally ask the man to notify their leadership and to assist in the containment. I think I'll have his phone working and have his girlfriend on the other end of the line and at the end she can say, 'the stars' or something of the sort and he falls over on his back and watched the sterilization commence.
Egg Born Son
Veteran
I want to start by saying unequivocally, I love your writing style. It is super efficient and flows so easily - it is everything I aspire to. I noticed it when I was voting in the last scriptfest and it was evident again just half a page into this one.
My major complaint (explained away by the last minute entry) is that the story is underdeveloped. I'm sure you would have fixed it with time for revisions. The idea itself is there and is good. As someone who has read scifi extensively there are no new ideas (or at least very rarely - Greg Egan's 'Diaspora' is the only fresh thing I've read in years and one of the catalysts for my own submission) but this idea is certainly one I haven't come across very often and scifi is first and foremost about ideas.
The primary area of neglect is the character development of Cord (cool name). I've only recently become a believer in the importance of character so I am hypersensitive to it at the moment. I don't think the first page and a half contribute anything to the story besides situating him on the hill. Describing him as a mountain climber would have acheived the same in a line or two.
Revealing his marital status through the phonecall and his father's ashes (connecting him to a wider community) might make him a touch more sympathetic but I didn't get anything about him out of it. I didn't engage with him and didn't care about his death. Rescuing a kitten out of a tree before dying would have worked just as well but that is a technique for sympathising with doomed extras, not main characters. Additionally neither of the two things we learn about him pay off later in the story so they are entirely arbitrary. You could have tightened thematically by introducing him while engaged in some kind of sterilisation or extermination activity at home/work (or discussing the same with his wife). Had he encountered the aliens before scattering the ashes they could have identified one human and one human remains for a minor payoff.
The final issue related to the first is that he does no more than provide the shoulder for the OTS shots and the face for the reaction shots. The whole thing could have been as easily witnessed by a cute forest creature and perhaps engendered more a sympathetic response. There was no significant interaction, no real communication. Both parties are more spectator than participant. Simplified: man on top of mountain descends, finds ship and dies. Okay, the aliens learn english from him but neither party really communicates. Whether or not they are observing him, the alien's communication is more like a recorded message. On a side note I totally loved your alien language. It recalled the terrible/guilty-pleasure scifi pulp books from the 60s/70s without utilising the lame strings of consonants so typical of those.
In conclusion I wouldn't throw away this idea. It is a kernel worthy of a better, more developed story. Your clean writing style still makes it easy to read. The fact that it already reads that way in a first draft, wow! Big fan.
My major complaint (explained away by the last minute entry) is that the story is underdeveloped. I'm sure you would have fixed it with time for revisions. The idea itself is there and is good. As someone who has read scifi extensively there are no new ideas (or at least very rarely - Greg Egan's 'Diaspora' is the only fresh thing I've read in years and one of the catalysts for my own submission) but this idea is certainly one I haven't come across very often and scifi is first and foremost about ideas.
The primary area of neglect is the character development of Cord (cool name). I've only recently become a believer in the importance of character so I am hypersensitive to it at the moment. I don't think the first page and a half contribute anything to the story besides situating him on the hill. Describing him as a mountain climber would have acheived the same in a line or two.
Revealing his marital status through the phonecall and his father's ashes (connecting him to a wider community) might make him a touch more sympathetic but I didn't get anything about him out of it. I didn't engage with him and didn't care about his death. Rescuing a kitten out of a tree before dying would have worked just as well but that is a technique for sympathising with doomed extras, not main characters. Additionally neither of the two things we learn about him pay off later in the story so they are entirely arbitrary. You could have tightened thematically by introducing him while engaged in some kind of sterilisation or extermination activity at home/work (or discussing the same with his wife). Had he encountered the aliens before scattering the ashes they could have identified one human and one human remains for a minor payoff.
The final issue related to the first is that he does no more than provide the shoulder for the OTS shots and the face for the reaction shots. The whole thing could have been as easily witnessed by a cute forest creature and perhaps engendered more a sympathetic response. There was no significant interaction, no real communication. Both parties are more spectator than participant. Simplified: man on top of mountain descends, finds ship and dies. Okay, the aliens learn english from him but neither party really communicates. Whether or not they are observing him, the alien's communication is more like a recorded message. On a side note I totally loved your alien language. It recalled the terrible/guilty-pleasure scifi pulp books from the 60s/70s without utilising the lame strings of consonants so typical of those.
In conclusion I wouldn't throw away this idea. It is a kernel worthy of a better, more developed story. Your clean writing style still makes it easy to read. The fact that it already reads that way in a first draft, wow! Big fan.
"Cord fear intensifies as his cough does." Little awkward.
"Behind his hand he spots thousands of shooting stars falling
from the sky." Not sure I understand this. Okay I get it. His hand is being held up to the sky. I didn't realize the light was coming from the sky. Thought it was coming from the ship.
Hmmm. Not really sure what to think of all of this. From what I understand, he found a ship and finds out that it wants to kill him. Then it ends up that it does kill him. But I'm not sure what the purpose was, of the story.
Isn't it assumed that alien ships are hostile? Most people(viewers/readers), I would imagine, would expect this to happen, so I was expecting more. Something fresher. Something underneath. I might have missed something, but as is I think that that's all it is.
It's snappily written, easy to read for the most part. I'm just not sure what to make of it.
Nice quick read.
"Behind his hand he spots thousands of shooting stars falling
from the sky." Not sure I understand this. Okay I get it. His hand is being held up to the sky. I didn't realize the light was coming from the sky. Thought it was coming from the ship.
Hmmm. Not really sure what to think of all of this. From what I understand, he found a ship and finds out that it wants to kill him. Then it ends up that it does kill him. But I'm not sure what the purpose was, of the story.
Isn't it assumed that alien ships are hostile? Most people(viewers/readers), I would imagine, would expect this to happen, so I was expecting more. Something fresher. Something underneath. I might have missed something, but as is I think that that's all it is.
It's snappily written, easy to read for the most part. I'm just not sure what to make of it.
Nice quick read.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Egg - Thanks. Yeah, I think I could really make this a solid 15-20 minute short. Thanks for the feedback.
ZellJr - This was a biological weapon storage ship that crashed. It is warning him that one of its containers is failing. And when it fails the ship calls for sterilization. I guess you didn't find it clear. I'll have to look into that. Thanks.
ZellJr - This was a biological weapon storage ship that crashed. It is warning him that one of its containers is failing. And when it fails the ship calls for sterilization. I guess you didn't find it clear. I'll have to look into that. Thanks.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
System malfunction, asteroid collision, etc. etc.
Here's what Webster says about sterilization: to make free from living (as by the use of physical or chemical agents)microorganisms.
Whatever it entails it doesn't bode well for anything living.
So what was it sterilizing? The planet earth? Because the protag was outside of the ship if I recall correctly. Why would it need to sterilize the world from him?
Egg Born Son
Veteran
I thought it was (locally) decontaminating whatever it is that was leaking from the damaged ship. Cord just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Right?
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Right, but I never thought far enough whether the threat was great enough for local or world wide sterilization. I left it up to the audience to decide.
Egg Born Son
Veteran
Ooo...nice!
STYLZ
Well-known member
Haven't read any other reviews yet. Cords dialogue seemed fake. "it is time"? No need for that. "Still time to run"? Not sure why Cord decides to stay around the ship after getting zapped. Other than that, excellent start to a sci-fi movie. Good believable premise. Short and sweet. Would like to see what happens next.
alex whitmer
Veteran
We'll jump right in!
This ...
FADE IN:
EXT. TRAIL – DUSK
CORD JOHNSTON hikes to the top of a rocky peek looking over a
vast forest as the sun kisses the horizon.
How old is Cord? 20? 40? Is he out of shape and huffing and puffing, or is this a cake walk?
Looking over could be overlooking
Your slug has DUSK. Could be DAY since ‘sun kisses the horizon’ covers the dusk idea.
Not sure why. A pet peeve I guess, but I like to have NIGHT or DAY and then add any qualifiers such as ‘A brilliant sunrise’, ‘Morning sun illuminates the small lake’, etc …
Maybe …
EXT. TRAIL - DAY
Evening sun kisses the horizon as CORD JOHNSTON (age, physical) hikes to the top of a rocky peek overlooking a vast forest.
This …
Cord pulls an urn out of his pack. His gaze lingers on the
urn a moment.
Gaze and linger is a tad redundant. Urn twice. Can compress this as well …
Cord pulls an urn from his pack, gazes at it.
This …
CORD
...I’ll spend a little more time
with him before he goes... I’ve got
to let you go, Honey, or I’ll never
make it back down before sun up...
I love you... see you tomorrow.
You have ‘go’ twice just a few words apart. Sounds clumsy. Find another word for one or the other. Aso, I see by this second dialogue Cord is talking to a significant other. In the first dialogue, maybe have him say ‘It’s me’ instead of ‘It’s Cord’. Cord loses the intimate relationship - unless the relationship is also 'on the rocks'. Cool metaphor.
This …
SIZZLE - WHOOSH - A flaming ball rips through the atmosphere.
Cord watches as the shooting star twists changing direction.
Flaming ball or shooting star. I’d pick one and stick to it.
Then it becomes …’The fireball grows’. Will there be a forth?
This …
BOOM - The sonic shock wave knocks Cord to his back.
Hmm, I’m torn here whether to consider BOOM as introducing the sonic shock. I’m leaning toward no, and would use A instead of THE.
And here is number four, predictable as punch!! ‘The sound of whatever it is’. Keaton, you kill me!!
Cord’s dialogue during this is great.
This …
Cord looks between the trail and the glow in the trees
wrestling the decision.
He leaves the trail and marches into the woods toward the
glow.
Wait, I thought he was on a rocky peak? Where did the trees come from, and when did he climb down the trail to the woods?
This …
He stands in awe taking the spacehip.
Redundant. Stands in awe says enough. 'Taking in a spaceship' sounds funny. 'I'll be home later, honey. Gonna take in a spaceship or two with the boys.'
This …
who takes a step backword. Should be ‘backward’ or ‘backwards’
This …
Cord fear intensifies as his cough does. Should be ‘Cord’s’. And - so Cord's cough feels fear? Maybe Cord's fear and cough intesify.
A few other bits. I think you could do with some commas here and there. Like this …
Cord looks between the trail and the glow in the trees
wrestling the decision.
So, is the glow wrestling the decision? Or Cord?
K, story time.
Not your best. I’d like to see some craftier dialogue when he’s talking to his honey, and to dad. It’s a little sappy. You could reveal how dad died, or some important bond they had to make the parting more sincere, and something the audience will hang onto.
I’m not sure what happened to Cord, but I don’t miss him, and maybe Honey wont either. I think there was a missed opportunity on the rocky peak to better set up Cord.
I am not sure what’s going on. An intentional invasion? Or did the first ship just send out a message that this was a safe place to take a rest, or to feed, or to convert a few humans into some kind of usable beast? What is being contained?
I do like that the end left open for interpretation what will likely happen next. Just wish I knew a little more about Cord.
But, I’m not so smart and maybe missed something.
Alex
Okay, read back through some other posts. I did miss a lot. Poster is kinda off, too. It's a day shot, or seems like it, but this encounter is at night. And the tag reads like he's about to get lucky.
I like it better reading the comments. Seems earth is being used as a dump by some aliens, and the other falling stars, fireballs, balls of fire and whatever are more containers of toxic junk. And Cord was doused and has immediate consequences.
Yeah, that's a good story. Just clarify it better. Not in your face, giving away the story right up front. Just better clues.
A
This ...
FADE IN:
EXT. TRAIL – DUSK
CORD JOHNSTON hikes to the top of a rocky peek looking over a
vast forest as the sun kisses the horizon.
How old is Cord? 20? 40? Is he out of shape and huffing and puffing, or is this a cake walk?
Looking over could be overlooking
Your slug has DUSK. Could be DAY since ‘sun kisses the horizon’ covers the dusk idea.
Not sure why. A pet peeve I guess, but I like to have NIGHT or DAY and then add any qualifiers such as ‘A brilliant sunrise’, ‘Morning sun illuminates the small lake’, etc …
Maybe …
EXT. TRAIL - DAY
Evening sun kisses the horizon as CORD JOHNSTON (age, physical) hikes to the top of a rocky peek overlooking a vast forest.
This …
Cord pulls an urn out of his pack. His gaze lingers on the
urn a moment.
Gaze and linger is a tad redundant. Urn twice. Can compress this as well …
Cord pulls an urn from his pack, gazes at it.
This …
CORD
...I’ll spend a little more time
with him before he goes... I’ve got
to let you go, Honey, or I’ll never
make it back down before sun up...
I love you... see you tomorrow.
You have ‘go’ twice just a few words apart. Sounds clumsy. Find another word for one or the other. Aso, I see by this second dialogue Cord is talking to a significant other. In the first dialogue, maybe have him say ‘It’s me’ instead of ‘It’s Cord’. Cord loses the intimate relationship - unless the relationship is also 'on the rocks'. Cool metaphor.
This …
SIZZLE - WHOOSH - A flaming ball rips through the atmosphere.
Cord watches as the shooting star twists changing direction.
Flaming ball or shooting star. I’d pick one and stick to it.
Then it becomes …’The fireball grows’. Will there be a forth?
This …
BOOM - The sonic shock wave knocks Cord to his back.
Hmm, I’m torn here whether to consider BOOM as introducing the sonic shock. I’m leaning toward no, and would use A instead of THE.
And here is number four, predictable as punch!! ‘The sound of whatever it is’. Keaton, you kill me!!
Cord’s dialogue during this is great.
This …
Cord looks between the trail and the glow in the trees
wrestling the decision.
He leaves the trail and marches into the woods toward the
glow.
Wait, I thought he was on a rocky peak? Where did the trees come from, and when did he climb down the trail to the woods?
This …
He stands in awe taking the spacehip.
Redundant. Stands in awe says enough. 'Taking in a spaceship' sounds funny. 'I'll be home later, honey. Gonna take in a spaceship or two with the boys.'
This …
who takes a step backword. Should be ‘backward’ or ‘backwards’
This …
Cord fear intensifies as his cough does. Should be ‘Cord’s’. And - so Cord's cough feels fear? Maybe Cord's fear and cough intesify.
A few other bits. I think you could do with some commas here and there. Like this …
Cord looks between the trail and the glow in the trees
wrestling the decision.
So, is the glow wrestling the decision? Or Cord?
K, story time.
Not your best. I’d like to see some craftier dialogue when he’s talking to his honey, and to dad. It’s a little sappy. You could reveal how dad died, or some important bond they had to make the parting more sincere, and something the audience will hang onto.
I’m not sure what happened to Cord, but I don’t miss him, and maybe Honey wont either. I think there was a missed opportunity on the rocky peak to better set up Cord.
I am not sure what’s going on. An intentional invasion? Or did the first ship just send out a message that this was a safe place to take a rest, or to feed, or to convert a few humans into some kind of usable beast? What is being contained?
I do like that the end left open for interpretation what will likely happen next. Just wish I knew a little more about Cord.
But, I’m not so smart and maybe missed something.
Alex
Okay, read back through some other posts. I did miss a lot. Poster is kinda off, too. It's a day shot, or seems like it, but this encounter is at night. And the tag reads like he's about to get lucky.
I like it better reading the comments. Seems earth is being used as a dump by some aliens, and the other falling stars, fireballs, balls of fire and whatever are more containers of toxic junk. And Cord was doused and has immediate consequences.
Yeah, that's a good story. Just clarify it better. Not in your face, giving away the story right up front. Just better clues.
A
Last edited:
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Thanks Alex. I was asked to be mod by the way. 
But seriously, I had not time to write this round and this baby was off the cuff product. As you can see polish is important.
But seriously, I had not time to write this round and this baby was off the cuff product. As you can see polish is important.
alex whitmer
Veteran
And a most excellent mod you are! Lucky to have you at the helm.