Brr

Rustom Irani

Rustom Irani

Active member
Title: Brr

Logline: Two men in an ice fishing cabin snag a catch worthy of the National Enquirer. Provided they live to relay the news.

Wrote this in the last few hours. So wanted to do a Western/Monster theme, but this idea kept nagging me and I had to type it out.

All the best everyone!
 
My arch nemesis, I knew it would not be long before we met on the field again...

Seriously though, this sounds interesting. I wrote a similar short story when I was a kid and I am eager to see how you went about it. I usually just read the the entrants from top to bottom but I'll probably give in to temptation and read this first.

:beer:
 
arroway said:
My arch nemesis, I knew it would not be long before we met on the field again...

Seriously though, this sounds interesting. I wrote a similar short story when I was a kid and I am eager to see how you went about it. I usually just read the the entrants from top to bottom but I'll probably give in to temptation and read this first.

:beer:
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Cool! Join the queue. I can take you and your henchtoadies with one hand tied behind a nail studded baseball bat with a nuclear warhead.


As a kid? Ooh! I didn't even write on the school bathroom wall when I was kid. Wisenheimer!

:dankk2:
 
Ha! Nice avatar Rusty!

I don't think this script will disappoint those of you that are anxiously awaiting it. Totally original and bizarre in the best kind of way. (Yes, I got the sneak preview! Muhawahahaha!)
 
bwind22 said:
Ha! Nice avatar Rusty!

I don't think this script will disappoint those of you that are anxiously awaiting it. Totally original and bizarre in the best kind of way. (Yes, I got the sneak preview! Muhawahahaha!)
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Yeah! The Avatar is my website logo! I gotta copyright it! :)

As for the sneak preview, I didn't know anyone who appreciates the genre like you do. It's very tough to find a critical eye for genres that deviate from the norm.
 
Rustom Irani said:
Yeah! The Avatar is my website logo! I gotta copyright it! :)

As for the sneak preview, I didn't know anyone who appreciates the genre like you do. It's very tough to find a critical eye for genres that deviate from the norm.
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Are you sure you don't know anyone more deviant?
 
I have no idea what gave birth to those things, but holy hell that crazy. A lot of awesome visuals. Like me, I guess you were shooting for a script that wouldn't be shot for the MonsterFest. Good job.
 
Chris_Keaton said:
I have no idea what gave birth to those things, but holy hell that crazy. A lot of awesome visuals. Like me, I guess you were shooting for a script that wouldn't be shot for the MonsterFest. Good job.
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Even though this is only my second DVXuser contest as a writer, you spoil me Chris. I might judge my progress compared to your review size. :grin:

As for being produced, heck write it out! You never really know! Young 'uns in filmmaking are getting smarter day by day. At 29 I feel geriatric compared to tweens who conjure magic with cameras.
 
Some very cool visuals in this. I particularly loved the opening shot. Your writing style is sometimes too vague for me... for example I was confused at first as to whether to lady's hand was coming out of the water and grasping onto the fish, or actually a part of the fish itself. Also I didn't really buy the dialogue between the two fishermen after they've found all the mutant fish... it seems to me like they're being too humorous about the situation and aren't shocked / horrified enough. I liked the last shot though and the idea that the mutants in the lake are going to be an ongoing, cyclical type of thing.
 
Hi Rustom, thanks for the read.

I liked this, it was strange as hell, but very entertaining. I agree with above, some of the descriptions could do with some more work to make them better understood. But I didn't find a problem with the dialogue, I thought the blase way the fishermen took everything was very funny.

Overall, a great, fun read. Well done.
 
His flannel coat adds bulk to his scrawny beer fueled body.
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Nice.

FERGUS
Could be those college kids rutting
in the lake during trekkin’ season?
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lol

HOWIE
You’re alive ain’t ya? If you had a
camera you’d be alive and famous
rich?
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I don't what word is missing from this but I think there is one...


Howie and Fergus eat beans from a plate.
Click.
Howie pauses. Fergus continues to eat.
Click. Click.
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nice

Howie motions to Fergus. Sushes him. Points to the fishing
reel.
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"Shushes"

FERGUS
If it’s a dick I’m gonna puke.
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lol

Possibly reply: "Wouldn't be the first time a dick's made you puke..."

(sorry)


HOWIE
**** me! Is that a tumor?

FERGUS
Tumor my ass. It’s a tit.
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lol

these two lines have great cadence.


HOWIE
It was sucking on that tit.

FERGUS
The tit’s dead! The worst it
could’ve done is squirt me.
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lol

Howard scrambles ashore towards a parked truck. Tries the
door.
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Should be "Howie", right?

Howie jolts back. Notices she can’t leave the water, as she trashes about.
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"Thrashes"

CRUNCH. Howie turns towards the woods. A Huge grizzly, rears
itself on its hind legs.
A HAIRY MAN’s torso grows out its side.
HOWIE
Damn college kids!
INT. FROZEN LAKE - UNDERWATER - DAY
Howie’s severed head floats in the greenish blue water. A
fishing line snags it.
FADE OUT.
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Brilliant! Best ending I've read yet! Way to end on a bang!

I thought this was diabolically strange (in a good way) and I love the title and ending. The one thing I'd work on is some of the descriptions when they pull up the first fish. I had a difficult time trying to figure out what was initially going on and it took a few re-reads before I really got it.

Good job!
 
HOWIE
You’re alive ain’t ya? If you had a
camera you’d be alive and famous
rich?
I don't what word is missing from this but I think there is one...
Click to expand...
Not a word, it's the damn question mark at the end of the second sentence. It's not a question. :p

Good catch on the Howard = Howie and thrashes/shushes. D'oh!

Phew! Glad the writing elicited those LOLs, man.

This was intended as such and so were the characters. Not calculating, smart guys assessing the situation to take action. But rather, inebriated morons out for the next quick buck to buy more beer and instant gratification, sexual or otherwise.

Glad you liked the ending! Thanks!
 
Man, I enjoyed that!

I too was thrown at the beginning - I'd suggest there's the blur of the trout being yanked into the guy's face, the plop of it hitting the ice while the drunks are yelling - then sudden silence/shock on their faces for a beat, their eyes getting BIG... "we pan along the fish, gasping its last breaths... and see that instead of a tail, its body ends in a human wrist and hand..." (or whatever)

If I were directing this, I'd make the guys seriously drunk - ever see Foster Brooks? Go to YouTube and google that name. I'm picturing him ice fishing now...
 
On of 'em could be Foster Brooks, Michael. The other could be Oliver Platt from "The Ice Harvest" a great inebriated performance. :)

Glad you enjoyed the story!
 
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