Ava - MojoTrancer

WilderWorks said:
I like that you used sci-fi to tackle some troubling psychological issues, particularly the intersection of love and possession.

As has probably been mentioned, there were some sound issues (his dialogue has a distinctly different ambient hiss than hers). The clean sound of the score actually made it more apparent.

A few of the early shots hung too long; we weren't yet far enough in the story to be haunted by what we were seeing, so the shots needed to be a little more dynamic, or perhaps change a little more frequently. In particularly, I'm thinking of the shot of him at his computer keyboard, just before the fireplace shot. A bit too long with no new visual information there.

I liked the build of the disturbing imagery; I think you really found your footing once things turned dark. However, I found the line about knowing she could love because she could hate a little on-the-nose. Perhaps arrive at that point a bit more subtly. Your message is inherent in your story, you don't need to over-sell it by directly stating it. I know Sci-Fi hates to be subtle, but you've got enough, you could safely depend on subtext a little more, I believe.

Overall, a troubling film, which means an effective one.
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Thanks for your comments! I agree with much of what you said. If it helps, I'm not too crazy about the "because now I hate" dialogue either. It is probably one of the things I would change.

I agree there needs to be more subtelty in sci-fi. I'm working to make it more a part of my projects.
 
Hey MojoTrancer - Great short. This was one of the best we've seen so far. It was very creepy, and great acting (in the VO, especially). Were you one of the actors? I think someone mentioned that you didn't fit the part, but I would disagree. It was great. It made the character seem less diabolical and more "Weird Science." Great score, but the audio (for the VO) didn't sound good throughout.
 
Mojo -

Good work! First thing I watched today. It's brave and challenging to tell a story with snippets of VO.

Your editing could have been more manic when things started to go sour. But overall I liked it's pace.

The main problem I had was the noise in the VO tracks. How was it recorded? Mic's room? if I could make one suggestion it would be that since your whole film relies heavily on VO's that they be recorded better than they were.

I got the story and liked the dark twist...and as for your CGI, yea it could have been better but that being said Spiderman 2's could have been better too. At least your's did'nt look like a cartoon or a video game.

Congrats on your entry.

Kip Kubin
 
well well well, what a twisted little bastard this entry ended up being! nice work! Didn't see it coming and I really appreciated your creativity here.

It was shot and lit well. I usually don't like hearing a voiceover while the scene is playing out different dialogue but somehow it worked here.

If this is your first film I am looking forward to where you go from here.

My only complaint I can think of now was staying on the computer monitor "f'ing genius" sticker for too long.
 
the-lyons-den.com said:
well well well, what a twisted little bastard this entry ended up being! nice work! Didn't see it coming and I really appreciated your creativity here.

It was shot and lit well. I usually don't like hearing a voiceover while the scene is playing out different dialogue but somehow it worked here.

If this is your first film I am looking forward to where you go from here.

My only complaint I can think of now was staying on the computer monitor "f'ing genius" sticker for too long.
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Thanks, John.

yeah this is my first finished project. I have a couple others languishing on my hard drive, but this is the first one to see the light of day.

As for the genius sticker pan. The film was already at less than five minutes. I didn't have the heart to make it any shorter ;)

If I get a chance to do a Lucas "Special Edition" type thing, I will tighten up the edit, improve the voiceovers and fix the effects. We'll have to see. I have a lot of other stuff coming down the pipe. I may not have time.
 
make the time. seriously.

you can make this pretty damned solid. and since all the dialogue is voiceover you could re-record that easy and fix those sound issues that TheYankee talked about.

i'll be waiting for the director's cut ;)

nice work!
 
Hey Mojo!

I haven't read any of your other reviews, so I'm sorry if you've heard all this before!

Overall, I enjoyed your piece. I liked the score for the first half a lot. Very sumblime. Matched the visuals pretty well.

The robot arm effect was off, though, as I am sure you have heard.

Some nice shots throughout, but at times felt long.

I would have almost liked it more with different V.O. I don't mind V.O. but just felt here it was a little weak. The dialogue could have been a little tighter and more interesting.

I wasn't crazy about Zane. Something just felt off there. I didn't belive in him.

I think with some better V.O. and some tightening up it could be a very effective piece.

Really nice work!!

-Robert
 
Ok, bullet points:

Your voiceover was so freaking awesome. I think I read that this was you? Nice job!!

Your actress was talented and beautiful. Give her my kudos.

The music was perfect. This may have been asked, but who came up with it?

Really flavorful and creepy little short. I enjoyed the trip. :)
 
I thought the mark on her arm could've been on her arm as opposed to on the screen. I liked the sound especially when the voices came out of one speaker and the music out of the other. I also understood this film.
 
I really enjoyed this film. I thought that the pacing of the film and the writing/dialog was spot on. The scene reminded me of the scene in "Out of Sight" when Lopez and Clooney are in the hotel bar then wind up back at the hotel. The reversal in the story was creepy and caught me off guard, as was intended i presume. Again, I really enjoyed it; good job.
 
jkc123 said:
I really enjoyed this film. I thought that the pacing of the film and the writing/dialog was spot on. The scene reminded me of the scene in "Out of Sight" when Lopez and Clooney are in the hotel bar then wind up back at the hotel. The reversal in the story was creepy and caught me off guard, as was intended i presume. Again, I really enjoyed it; good job.
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Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. I was going for the Out of Sight thing, but I think the execution could have been better. Glad you liked the ending. It was a fun story to write.
 
jaustere said:
Ok, bullet points:

Your voiceover was so freaking awesome. I think I read that this was you? Nice job!!
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I'll mark you down in the "liked VO" column :)

jaustere said:
Your actress was talented and beautiful. Give her my kudos.
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I'll let Bobette know she has a fan. She'll be pleased. She's going to be in our next project as well. She'll finally get to kick a little ass! It's gonna be fun.

jaustere said:
The music was perfect. This may have been asked, but who came up with it?
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I bought two royalty-free tracks off of Q-Music. Someone more talented with music would have been able to mix it better. I just did a hack and slash cutting job on the samples.


jaustere said:
Really flavorful and creepy little short. I enjoyed the trip. :)
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Glad you were digging it. It has it's issues, but I'm still happy with it. Thanks for your comments!
 
this was good little twilite zone short the ending was good, the blood try getting it darker. way to go Aaron
 
kimko said:
this was good little twilite zone short the ending was good, the blood try getting it darker. way to go Aaron
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Thanks, kimko! The blood was a bit darker in the original footage, it just appears lighter now because of the color grading I added.

Poor Bobette had that stuff pooling in her left eye when we shot that. So she has her left eye shut with blood pooling all around it and then she's staring blankly with the right for take after take. But she's a pro and suffered through for us. She was great.
 
damn i know what you mean. i too was spitting blood we only had maybe an oz of it and then i spit it out. but once i put it in my mouth they switched positions of the camera so i held it in my mouth for 20 min. or more. way to go Bobette!
 
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