Amnesiac

Cheers
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on scribing a well-crafted murder mystery.

Your cop scenes were especially solid...nice credible police jargon!

Definitely many layers to this one, though I do agree with Noel about it feeling part of something larger in scale.




***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line:
"I...what happened to your hand?"
 
This was by far your strongest script across all three fests. The story was excellent, the drama was excellent, and I especially liked the transitions between scenes. Really well done!
 
Thanks.

Lot of thinking and planning (+ watched a lot of classics to get the style right) before pen went to paper.

Hardest thing with these type of stories is the logic. getting it wrong is way to easy.

+ great when someone likes the end results.
 
Yes this was interesting, i did find the multiple layers to this short a little bit confusing and did feel that i was in the middle of a much larger story - which i think limited the effectiveness of this as an actual short film script.

That said the characters were credible, and the murder mystery theme did keep me absorped througout - so good work mate. Will we be seeing a feature for Jack?
 
Hopefully. Was trying to make a story so interesting and layered that the reader/viewer would want more and would see more in another viewing (or piece together more during and after reading/viewing).

To use the short (either script or produced) as bait for funding a feature.
 
I like your Memento photo on your avatar, because that's what the script kind of reminded me of. Can't really add anything that hasn't been said before, I'd like to see the next chapter. Always keep your audience wanting more! Some of the interrogation parts seemed a little slow for me, and I'm not sure if he called the lawyer or not, or what the lawyer had to do with anything, but other than that, a great setup of a story!
 
Thanks


*******spoilers******************




Clues about the lawyer are given. The cop didn't know because he didn't ask for one.

The lawyer is going his own way until he gets a phone call and then asks Jack can he give him a ride which seems "nice" until Jack remembers the driver....

It's one of those things (when you see it) may not hit you right away. But the lawyer is part of the "murder" the driver with the broken nose was there (and driving the car) - just told parts in visuals rather than spelling out in dialog etc.
 
i definitely felt the whole memento vibe and i like it. i, too, echo the sentiments of those before me. i hope you do add more to it eventually because i am one of those people that is always looking for an answer.

nice job. :)
 
Sean, I thought this was really strong.

I loved the opening scene, you described it vividly. It really gets the mystery kicked off well. The dialogue was well written.
You did a good job of going between the present and flashbacks, not an easy task.

My only small hang up....I wouldn't think the Police would let him take the GPA, it would be kept as evidence.

I like how it wrapped up, it wasn't a neat tidy package, but I was okay with that. Excellent!
 
Thanks.

Yeah was happy with the ending. Because he started physically confined and ends up in worse confinement - free but confined by the cops, murder, mob etc

- free from that trunk, but still trapped.
 
.I wouldn't think the Police would let him take the GPA, it would be kept as evidence.
Click to expand...

Was toying with the idea of either him just following the locations the cops had shown him or using the actual GPS.

Since they had processed it and found no prints etc they had no reason to keep it (as records were copied from it) - so it was not a murder weapon + they all want Jack to lead them to "something"
 
Wow, that was really cool! The FADE OUT kind of stunned me, as I had been sucked all the way in and was eager to find out what really happened. I can't wait for the feature to see how it all plays out.

Minor nit: Frank says "Now we just need to figure out you owns the leg". I think you meant "who" instead of "you".
 
On the first reading, I found that the first scene was really good but thereafter I was increasingly confused. After a second reading I'm much less confused, although the lack of a clear ending and one or two other questions remain. It is very well written - dialogs very convincing and the structure, flashes back and forth etc. very well done although it's complicated enough to be quite hard work to follow. Maybe this is partly what makes it feel like part of something bigger - the feeling that this is a mysterious turning point in something where the big reveals are yet to come? Anyway, good work, I enjoyed it.
Jason
 
Thanks. One of the most complicated things I have written. Keeping logic and time lines accurate was a challenge...
 
I like your Memento photo on your avatar
Click to expand...

Meant to say. Used this to help get myself into character :thumbsup:

slightly off topic: Was reading an article in a movie magazine recently regarding the history of memento (think it was either total film or empire) - really interesting background into how it was written and finally produced....
 
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