Amnesiac

ok, where's the rest of the story!!? might as well have had "TO BE CONTINUED" there instead of FTB... i hope you take the time to write part 2. :)

you mention MEMENTO as inspiration... i can definitely see what you mean. while your concept is not unique, it's still an interesting story.

i had some technical issues. (i am by no means an expert on formatting, but...) there were some important tags left out, like a few times there was nothing to indicate i was suddenly reading a flashback scene. it was confusing at first, but i got used to it. if you just go back and add in a few FLASHBACK slugs, it'll be a whole lot less confusing.
also, i think you could tighten up some of your action blocks so they read faster and smoother, but that's just my opinion.

lots of good characters with good dialog. i can tell you're having fun telling this story. nice job.

now on to part 2! :)
 
Was kind of experimenting with the two flash(s) missing flashback. Because he is not sure if it is indeed a memory or flashback or nothing at all.

But fair cop. Better to include and not confuse the reader.

Don't intend part 2 just want to develop into a feature.

Talking about Memento. Did that really end as the end was the start(???) his story would have gone on and on (until he died or was killed)...

Thanks for the feedback and read.
 
i'm still trying to figure out MEMENTO. i thought i knew what happened, then i made the mistake of watching it again! haha
 
This script started out SO great. The opening scene was one of the best openers I've read, and it really geared me up for the rest of it. And I enjoyed the rest of it, right up until the lawyer arrived. I get that he just arrives, and the police didn't know he was coming, and the guy doesn't know if he called him or not, and all of that, but as far as I'm aware, in a situation like that, a lawyer will always be appointed to you - especially if you're in a vulnerable position, such as he is. Could just be a UK thing, but I'm sure the line is "if you are unable to afford or contact a lawyer, one will be appointed for you".
It just didn't make sense to me. As well as this, they seem to have him shackled up in a jumpsuit (quite guantanamo), and then all of a sudden he's just free to go. Didn't make sense to me.

After this, it seemed a bit rushed, especially considering that there wasn't really an ending.

To sum up - as a short, I don't think it really worked. Too many questions and no answers at all, and I think a short should always have a good strong beginning, middle and end. This seemed to be ten pages of start. HOWEVER as a feature I think it would be AMAZING. So don't let my comments get you down. From what I've read, your motivation for this has always been to use it as a springboard for a feature, and I really really hope you make it, because I think it would be fantastic.
 
Researched the death out of this.

The lawyer arrives unknown to the detective - because someone called him.

Look for the visual clues. Jack never asked for a lawyer - was only concerned with his wife...

He arrives and then they go their separate ways. Until he gets a call and tries to a get Jack into the car to which he agrees until he sees the driver.

Basically hinted and not spelled out that someone (crooked cop) calls him to pick him up "because he remembers". Not spelled out in scenes.

Believe me not rushed and there is an ending. jack ends where he started trapped in a car. Started in the trunk, ended in car. But trapped.

He's in a jump suit because his clothes would be processes. He didn't get a lawyer because (as suggested) the cops were trying in on - get a confession. (but from a guy that can't remember).

He was set free because they had nothing. Arrested because he was the only suspect in a murder of god knows who.

If you have the time read again - there are plenty of answers - just not spelled out. For once I decided to reply on visuals clues rather than dialog.

Jack was having an affair. Christine is killed because she has something. Jack is next. But car crash allows him to escape. The cop is involved. The lawyer is involved. The driver is involved. But Jack can't remember why they all want him - because he might know too much or have what they want.
 
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Review for Amnesiac

Title kinda gives away some of what the story might be about.

A crashed car wrapped around a tree. From visible damage on
the front of the car, it obviously crashed at speed. The
engine is running and the car horn blows continuously.

*They have trees in dumps?

*If this car is wrapped around a tree front end, the engine would not be running.

*This can be trimmed to …

A car is wrapped around a tree. The horn blows continuously.

*’Wrapped around a tree’ implies high speed.

*31 words down to 11. Adios 20 superfluous words!

Cool this …

GPS UNIT
Next destination please...next...

This …

Jack starts to panic

*You mention this twice.

This …

‘pouring limited light into the darkened area.’

*Incongruous ideas. Maybe ‘sputters limited light …’ or something to that effect.

We already know it’s dark.

This …

The lighter allows him to see some of the trunk. Now Jack can see what he is in and what little room he has.

*Kinda say the same thing twice here.

This …

In the limited light


*You really only need to get this point across once.

Page 2

Jack raises his hand to his mouth to bite his fingers nails

*Raising his hand is inferred by the nail biting.

This …

Jack’s has a black eye and a small band aid on his nose.

*Typo on the possessive form of Jack’s.

This …

Jack’s has a black eye and a small band aid on his nose.

*I’d have these two attribute up top when you first show Jack in the Interview room. This is way after we see him.

Jack, his hands shackled and sporting a black eye and a band-aid on his nose, sits at a small table. He is dressed in orange overalls. He bites his fingers nails.

Jack’s leg bounces nervously under the small table, his bare
feet appear cut. He looks towards the large two way mirror on the far wall, at his own reflection.

*Or something like that.

Page 3

They find Our guy in the trunk
claiming...

Typo on ‘our’

Page 4

Opens the soda

*Should be opens‘a’ soda.

This …

The door opens and Tom walks in
*Your using the passive form for the door in a few spots. Is the door automatic?

This …

Jack kisses a woman’s leg.

*Need to tell us this is a flashback.

Page 6

FRANK
Now we just need to figure out you
owns the leg. Christine maybe?

*Should be ‘… who owns the leg’.

This …

Jack looks at himself in the mirror and smiles. A door
smashes in the room next door and Jack turns.

*I took this to mean the motel room next door, but I assume you mean the bed area?

Page 7

… the other unseen man

*Who can’t see them?

This …

Jack stumbles backwards and the men turn their attention
towards the bathroom.

*So, he just watched his wife get whooped?

This …

Jack’s world collapses inwards on him.

*And how do we see this on film?

This …

TOM (V.O.)
Bit myself shaving. What’s that...

Pretty dang funny line.

Page 9

… takes out his keys, wallet and the GPS unit

Wouldn’t the GPS be kept as evidence?

This …

DAVID GOLD (O.S.) (CONT'D)
You sure. Fine. I just wish you
would make your mind up.

*’You sure’ is a question.

Well, per the tagline, not sure this played all the way out. Something is left unfinished here.

Did the cops just let him go?

There is much to like about this. Strong characters and concept, but a few loose threads need to be reeled in.



I thought Tom's injured hand would somehow play a part.



Aw
 
Title kinda gives away some of what the story might be about.
Click to expand...
Agree title is crap - only a test title.

I thought Tom's injured hand would somehow play a part.
Click to expand...
- it did. Jack remembered the bite happening in the motel room when Christine was killed - Tom was involved - he remembered just as he was about to confess he was there also.

Also not sure they would keep the GPS as he wasn't being held on a charge and it was already processed (+ not a murder weapon)...

Thanks Alex
 
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I really got drawn in at the beginning and then just kind of ended wishing for more. Look forward to seeing the finished product some day.
Pauly
 
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