Alien Abduction

Nice twist on the whole alien abduction story.

Sfoster has the right idea about pacing. I think that change more than any other would strengthen the script.

The alien dialog issue ... I can see it both ways. Less vernacular would me more realistic to the story, but would lose the comedic effect, which would be a big loss.
 
Thanks everyone for the kinds words and also the critiques. I really appreciate all the feedback!

I thought long and hard about the Gray's slang, and here's my thinking -- he's young. He's a techno-geek. How many movies have we seen with the college age techno-geek who is a social misfit and lays heavy on the slang? He's not the leader of this mission, just one of the lesser crew. His youth and inexperience are exactly what allowed him to make the mistake of getting captured in the first place.

Even then, he tries to keep up the charade of being an 'outer space alien', as evidenced by the "frightened gibberish that barely even sounds like a language" that comprises the first 'words' we hear him speak. But that facade crumbles immediately once he gets the first hit from the stun gun. From then on he's just a scared kid -- scared of the torture, but also because he knows what's coming.

Someone asked 'Why come so close to when the bombs are going to fall? Why not weeks before?' Because the further you move away from the catastrophic event, the more risk you're taking that you'll accidentally do something that will alter the future and mess up your own existence. So it pays to target the time as close to the falling of the bombs as possible. If I had more page space, I would have elaborated on this a bit more.

Also it was asked, "Why not just take the women back with you to the future?" Another good question that could have been explained in a longer script. There are a variety of possible explanations. Maybe they don't have the technology to do that yet, but can only return what they sent. The people they sent can be carrying small items -- like human eggs -- but nothing beyond a certain mass. That's one plausible explanation that could be developed in a longer version of the script.

And again, the Man stops focusing so much on the return of his wife because the Gray has assured him that she is being returned practically as they speak, and that she has not been harmed. With that worry alleviated, at least to some extent, he is able to start coming to grips with a whole new bit of amazement -- the fact that he has a living, talking alien creature strapped to a chair in his basement.

Judgement, I actually considered producing this for the TwilightFest. But coming up with a full sized, fully articulated, realistic, talking Gray alien was a bit of a challenge. He would have to look absolutely, totally believable, or else the whole thing would fall apart and be laughed at. I'd love to see somebody do it, though. The script is for sale! :)

Thanks again everyone for all the feedback! Keep it coming!

David
 
sfoster said:
I loved the script! I thought it was well written. I like the concept. It was a tad to predictable though. If you could hold off the part about the war longer, and have the Gray not be afraid so soon, it might be a bigger suprise, of course, in the filming and editing, you could solve a lot of this!
Click to expand...

I see what you're saying here. I could hold off on the alien telling about the war a bit longer. I'll give that some thought.

But I can't really see any way that the alien isn't totally terrified right from the very beginning. He's been kidnapped by a strange looking creature, dragged to a cellar and tied to a chair. From the moment we meet him, he knows the bombs are due to fall very soon -- and he's going to DIE if he doesn't get out of this situation and get back to the future before they do. Add to that the fear of the stun gun, and I can't see any way the Gray could not be completely terrified right from the opening.

Thanks for the feedback!

David
 
I see on some of the other threads, people are telling what rating they gave the film.

Anybody care to say what rating they gave 'Alien Abduction'? It's always good to know these things. :)
 
GREAT script!! Fun reading and very interesting subject matter! I wouldn't change a thing! If I could vote I'd give you a perfect score, but alas I'm a newbie :)

Shannon
 
well, i haven't actually rated any films yet, so i can't tell you....

i did read it, however, and i enjoyed it. i love picturing him all tied up in that chair, and even getting zapped by the stun-gun. (not that i like seeing aliens tortured, it was just good writing!)

it's a good short story that would make a good short film. in other words, the scope of it fits the length. you know what i'm saying, right? one location, two actors (and a heck of an sfx team).

thank you for participating in the fest.
 
I thought this worked well. The gray's dialogue wasn't a problem for me - I thought it went well with the squirming and panic so that I saw him as being rather "smeagolish". I agree with others that you don't really have a sufficient idea what the man is like and that he seems to accept the promise that his wife is returning rather too easily. This is the first I have read so I'll decide on the rating later when I'm in the swing of things.
Jason
 
script review

script review

Great piece. Not sure your title does it justice.

SPOILERS




TECHIE STUFF ​

This …

LIGHT BULB dangling overhead, casting grotesque shadows on every
surface.

Shadows of what? We have a chair and some piles of clutter. The chair is directly under the lightbulb, so it’s not going to cast much of a shadow.

This ...

your typical alien in appearance

Lot of variables. I’d leave out ‘typical’.

This ...

He struggles against the ROPES

This is a boxing term. I think you mean struggles WITH his ropes.

This ...

MAN (CONT'D)
Now I'm gonna ask you just one...
more... time... Where the poo poo is
my WIFE?!

This is good. Not sure I have seen something along these lines.

No need to use (CONT’D) when it’s obvious. Just adds clutter.

Page 2

This ...

GRAY
shi*!!!!!
(beat)
Son of a *****!!!!! That poo pooin'
HURTS, man!!!

You would never do this in a spec script. One ! pretty much covers it, especially since the action and the dialogue dictate the situation.

This ...

MAN (CONT'D)
Where's my poo pooin' wife, you piece
of shi*??! What did you people do
with her???

I think you could pick another word than people. Let us know how MAN really feels about this guys. You ‘things’, you ‘spastic droids’ ...something.

By the top of page 3 you made your point and the dialogue is just repeating itself. Get something fresh in there.

Don’t need this ...

but for a different reason now.

Not filmable. We’ll figure it out in the ensuing action/dialogue

This ...

The Gray looks around nervously, trying to find a way to avoid
the question.

All this can be reduced to The Gray hesitates.

This guy sounds like he’s from the wrong side of some future tracks. Pretty rough language.

Page 6

This ...

We can mess with people in
this time period 'cause they don't
MATTER! Most of 'em are gonna DIE!
For it to not matter, they all have to die.

This ...

GRAY (CONT'D)
(terrified)
Hey! NO! No no no!!! Snap out of
it! C'mon!!! LET ME GO!!! Please
man! You gotta let....

Here again you are just rehashing the same dialogue.

STORY​

Well, one can assume (?) the wife survived since she was kidnapped.

I get that the time travelers found a group of people they can harvest eggs from so they can fix their DNA. Yeah, pretty cool. Go back through and see where you can keep dialogue fresh, and make it so nobody from this group (town?) survives, greatly reducing the butterfly effect – you can never rule out some small event from having some unforeseen consequences, like accidently destroying a bee hive and thus wiping out a crop of clover and thus wiping out what ever is next up or down the chain.

Like the concept a lot.

alex
 
Alex,

Thanks for the feedback! Notes on exclamation point usage are good. I personally prefer the use of '(CONT'D)' for the sake of the actors, but that's just me.

alex whitmer said:
Great piece. Not sure your title does it justice.
Click to expand...

How so? An alien was abducted - which is a twist in itself. Granted, it wouldn't be a grabber of a title for a feature, but I think it's interestingly misleading for a short.

This ...

your typical alien in appearance

Lot of variables. I’d leave out ‘typical’.
Click to expand...


True, which is why I followed it with a description. As for leaving out 'typical', that leaves 'your alien in appearance'. I assume you meant I should leave out 'your' as well. Not sure that makes it significantly better, though.

Don’t need this ...

but for a different reason now.

Not filmable. We’ll figure it out in the ensuing action/dialogue
Click to expand...


I think it is filmable. I think a good actor can work with that kind of subtlety, and it's important to know that the Gray's fears have shifted from one thing to the other. True, though, that people will figure that out just from the dialogue. I just personally like to give small assists like this when possible.

This ...
We can mess with people in
this time period 'cause they don't
MATTER! Most of 'em are gonna DIE!
For it to not matter, they all have to die.
Click to expand...


Technically true, but characters often state things that are not entirely, 100% technically accurate. He's generalizing.

And I wouldn't assume the wife survives. I would assume the 'aliens' released her, like the Gray said they would, and got the heck out of Dodge before the bombs fell.

Glad you liked it overall, though. And you make some valid points that are worth exploring further. Thanks!

David

 
The way the Gray talked would take most people out of the situation immediately and turn it in to some comedy that falls flat. That's what happened to me. I kept rolling my eyes on each line of dialogue from Gray. Most of it was beating me over the head with too much exposition, oye!

You had one entire page almost full of dialogue. Tarantino can sometimes, SOMETIMES pull that off but to me it gets really old so fast. It likes two talking heads in a box which gets boring and I lose focus. Show dont' tell, that's what makes a script good.

If I had a chance to take a pass at it, I would describe the torture of the alien and the alien would give subtle clues throughout the torture until the end reveal. The ending was good but your build up needs serious work.
 
Mobie540 said:
The way the Gray talked would take most people out of the situation immediately and turn it in to some comedy that falls flat. That's what happened to me. I kept rolling my eyes on each line of dialogue from Gray. Most of it was beating me over the head with too much exposition, oye!

You had one entire page almost full of dialogue. Tarantino can sometimes, SOMETIMES pull that off but to me it gets really old so fast. It likes two talking heads in a box which gets boring and I lose focus. Show dont' tell, that's what makes a script good.

If I had a chance to take a pass at it, I would describe the torture of the alien and the alien would give subtle clues throughout the torture until the end reveal. The ending was good but your build up needs serious work.
Click to expand...

This is interesting. I have no idea how the things that the Gray revealed to the Man could be shown and not told. At least, not in 6 pages. Can you give me an example?

Thanks!

David
 
MAN
Ohhh.... I bet you're sorry now,
ain't ya?
(beat)
You done picked the wrong Earthling
to **** with!

Above example of too much exposition. The alien is tied up to a chair and the guy is holding a stun gun. I don't feel it's necessary that you have to have the guy explain that the alien picked the wrong earthling to **** with. You could use a little more subtext.

MAN
My wife!

Alien throws the Man a confused 'I don't speak/understand English' look. The man zaps the alien with 1,000 volts. The alien breaths heavy. Before the alien can answer again, the man zaps it again. The man holds the tazer to the alien for a longer period. (This guy isn't ****ing around now)

MAN
My wife, you ugly piece of ****!

When you start writing 3 or 4 sentences of dialogue with no action or reaction, it's just two talking heads on screen. My suggestion is cut the dialogue put in more action in between.


I like your idea, I just think this draft needs a revision. This is just one person's opinion.
 
The only thing that kind of gave me a "reader's jolt" in this one was the way the alien spoke, the verbage and choice of words. Seemed to much of our time for someone from our own planet, but the future with evolved technology etc.

Loved the concept however, of man going back into its own past to fix his ills. Great idea. :thumbup:
 
Mobie540 said:
MAN
Ohhh.... I bet you're sorry now,
ain't ya?
(beat)
You done picked the wrong Earthling
to poo poo with!

Above example of too much exposition. The alien is tied up to a chair and the guy is holding a stun gun. I don't feel it's necessary that you have to have the guy explain that the alien picked the wrong earthling to poo poo with. You could use a little more subtext.
Click to expand...

People quite often speak with too much exposition. People are real and rarely self-edit when they talk. And since one of the criteria of the contest was that a character has to make a mistake, I felt it was important to emphasize that mistake with the dialogue.

Thanks for the input! It truly is appreciated.
 
Nice set-up and use of a single location. Interesting reversal of the typical alien abduction scenario. The dialogue flowed well if a little bit too on the nose sometimes. Some of the Gray’s dialogue was too specific to present day speech, considering that he comes from the future. I was expecting a twist were the Gray was actually a guy in a costume.

I do like the idea of using the theory of Gray’s being time travelers and not merely aliens as that is one of the theories UFOlogists have suggested. I liked the bit about the Gray emitting the strange sound/language. I do think that it was a bit jarring to have the Gray then suddenly speak basic American English all of a sudden. I would have liked it if the Gray used telepathy to communicate instead of speaking. I’m no Fox Mulder, but I have read and studied the subject out of curiosity and I know that many abductees have claimed that the aliens were able to communicate telepathically. I don’t think that it is too much of a stretch to use the telepathy. It would give the Gray’s dialogue an interesting and somewhat eerie touch I think.

A good script though. Please don’t feel that I didn’t enjoy it by the suggestions above. It was a good and fast read. You had a nice flow due to not having to change locations.

I don’t know if you are a fan of the X-Files, but there is an episode that you might like. It is called Jose Chung’s From Outer Space. Definitely worth checking out.
 
Thanks for the input Nektonic!

I think expecting humans to have developed telepathy because of mutation from nuclear fallout might've been a bit much -- though I can see how cool the audio would've been.

I think the basic slang of American English has stayed relatively constant for quite a while. I suppose I could've made up a bunch of 'future slang', but I was afraid that would sound contrived and lack authenticity. But I can see both sides of that argument.

Surprisingly, I never really got into the X-Files. But thanks for the reference. Maybe I'll check it out.

And thanks again for taking the time to read my script and give your thoughts!

David
 
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