A Train to Kansas City

I have to say the dialogue worked pretty well for me. And the way you write action is great - descriptive without being distracting. I especially like this:

"Charlie doesn’t even have time to look up before
the gun fires carving a tunnel through his skull. "


Great visual.

The numbers of characters introduced at the start was a little confusing but the important ones
are all fleshed out later, so this isn't a major issue.

As others have said, the emotional ending feels a little odd juxtaposed with the hardcore action of the second act, but both do work and i like that you pretty much successfully intertwine several strores and subplots.

Very accomplished writing and a complex and well thought out story - great work!
 
I really liked this one alot.

Loved the dialogue, especially that of Samuel who definitely had a unique, mild-mannered charm about him in the midst of all these badass train robbers and gunslingers - it made him an easy-to-like character.

As Sarah mentioned, the "carving a tunnel through his skull" line is a great visual and makes it that much more fun to read.

I do admit I was expecting a little more of an explosive ending, judging from the previous action. But the emotional ending was fine for me I didn't have a problem with it at all. I think it showed that even though Rook is a hardened badass he still has feelings.

Very well written man, one of my favorites so far.
 
Last edited:
Blaine said:
This felt like something I'd have seen back in the 50s.
Click to expand...

Is that a positive or a negative? :)

Thanks everyone for the continued feedback. I really find it valuable and am taking everything to heart. This was very much meant to feel like a classic western with a twist on the archetypal bad mofo gunslinger.

A few questions, if I may, to help me improve as a screenwriter.

Those who were hoping for / expecting a grander ending, my thought was that the train stand off is the climax on the piece and the letter delivery is kind of an epilogue. And as far as explosions go, Bull covered that for us. So is there something in the setup or execution of the script that has you thinking there's going to be more?

Those who were wanting more back story out of Rook, I'm curious what would have satisfied. I had about 3/4 of a page left before I hit the magic number of 10, so doing a flashback wouldn't really have fit. I couldn't start the script with Rook in Carson City. The best idea I've come up with after reading the feedback is to maybe add some dialog like "I heard about what you did. Cleaning up Carson City from the Butch Winfield Gang" or something like that. Would that have been enough? I completely agree that knowing more about Rook would connect the audience to the story more. I'm just curious how strong I need to address that, or if a subtle touch would suffice.

Thanks for your comments and opinons!
 
krestofre said:
Is that a positive or a negative? :)
Click to expand...
It's a good thing.

krestofre said:
maybe add some dialog like "I heard about what you did. Cleaning up Carson City from the Butch Winfield Gang" or something like that. Would that have been enough? I completely agree that knowing more about Rook would connect the audience to the story more. I'm just curious how strong I need to address that, or if a subtle touch would suffice.
Click to expand...
Something like that would have let us know which side of the fence he was on.
 
krestofre,

Congrats on the script and thanks for being apart of the fest.

Here's my feedback: When Bull Johnson has the stick of dynamite in his mouth I think it would help to mention how far away from the back of the train he is or how long the fuse is. If memory serves me correct the train was just starting to move and as slow as trains get going I would think he would have to be pretty far for the explosion not to affect the train. Also, I had to read it twice before I knew that he was for sure outside of the train. It says Ext. Train but it doesn't say where he's sitting.

Also, on the ending I feel like there is no hint at why Rook didn't deliver the letter himself. I get the feeling that Rook and Danny were very close, but despite how non-emotional or socially awkward Rook is I feel like there is no reason for him to not deliver the letter. Maybe if we learned that there was something between Rook and Rose that's preventing him from making the delivery we'd understand. For example, maybe Rose didn't want Danny taking this last job, but Rook convinced him to take it and Rose hates him for it.
 
chris f said:
When Bull Johnson has the stick of dynamite in his mouth.
Click to expand...

This reminded me of something I thought of when I was reading the script, albeit VERY minor and inconsequential but...

Wouldn't he just spit the dynamite out? Unless it was taped or tied around his mouth...
 
Similar advice for descriptions here - would divide up shots into separate paragraphs.

example:

Charlie shoves Samuel back into the passenger car. Skeet
rushes in and fires his gun in the air gaining the attention
of every passenger.

would flow better as :

Charlie shoves Samuel back into the passenger car.

Skeet rushes in and fires his gun in the air gaining the attention
of every passenger.

Also stick the (O.S.) beside characters names rather than below - again only minor formatting issue.

Liked your visual descriptions here. Very well written and we all could learn from your descriptive style.

Story flowed well from start to finish. I was wondering why he didn't deliver it himself or use the mail. But you answered it very well in the end - he wasn't able but like the way he observed it from afar. Very "silent hero" in execution. I wanted to know more about him, how he knew her etc - which is good. This could branch out easily into a longer piece.

In all captured the genre perfectly. Reminded me of the westerns I grew up watching.

Great job.
 
TimCollins said:
Wouldn't he just spit the dynamite out? Unless it was taped or tied around his mouth...
Click to expand...

When Rook Carver puts a stick of dynamite in your mouth, it STAYS there. Got it? :grin:


seansshack said:
Also stick the (O.S.) beside characters names rather than below - again only minor formatting issue.
Click to expand...

Never! :evil: Long story short. Both methods are acceptable in script formatting, and every fest someone has said "put the O.S. beside the character name." It's become an amusing point of pride for me. :)

Thanks for the feedback. Sean, you example of flow is dead-on. Thanks for pointing it out.

Chris, not giving you the reason for Rook not delivering the letter is something I left intentionally vague, and judging from the comments that has been successful half the time, and a point of criticism half the time. So it's something I'm pondering. My personal opinion is that the ambiguity allows people to bring their own emotional take to the story. Perhaps I'm wrong. Thank you for your opinion.
 
never! :evil: Long story short. Both methods are acceptable in script formatting, and every fest someone has said "put the o.s. Beside the character name." it's become an amusing point of pride for me. :)
Click to expand...

lol!!!!
 
I liked your set-up with the train. The introduction of the characters was really well done, every time in the script. I also liked the fact that it felt like such a classic western story, the first one I've come by so far. The only major point that doesn't work for me is the plot. Why doesn't Rook deliver the letter himself, or by mail?

Quite enjoyable read still.
 
yup... 'twas a good read, well written and I would have felt safe aboard with Rook Carver. It's funny, and maybe just the female (an old bird realy!) mind at work here, but I sorta got the notion that Rook and Rose had a wee bit of a past... and that's why he felt akward/guilty delivering the letter himself. Hey - a sequel... Rook and Rose marry... have kids etc... Sorry I'm not being facetious, just don't get out much. Also this is my first experience of script writing, therefore, alas, most of my 'feedback' will be reflective rather than technical, he-he!
 
Hey Chris. Well written. I like your descriptions from this and past scriptfests alike.

You add the small things that make all the difference such as -

His outline is punctuated by the pair of six-shooters
than hang at his hips.
Click to expand...

Couple of small flow points made already, Ill forgo those, but add I thought they were rather minor.

Couple of dialogue points that seemed a bit superfluous such as

CHARLIE
Yeah Skeet. Engineer tried to be
brave and I had to gun him down.
Click to expand...

Just dont think he needed to tell him what happened.

Enjoyed reading it from start to finish.

There was one thing that bugged me. So who is Rook Carver? Samuel knows his name, Skeet knew who he was. But as the story played out, I got the feeling Rook Carver has a strong reputation, and he is not to be messed with. But also I got the feeling he is just not some outlaw, or brigand. But when he blows Bull's head off, I felt torn away from caring about him as a character. It was a merciless cold blooded killing.

Then when Samuel delivers the letter I had the feeling he was just too weak to deliver the news himself. I dont think that was your intention, but after he killed Bull, I was a bit lost to who he was.
 
good script!

not much i can add that hasn't already been said. i loved the setting of a train and you have good western elements here. i liked the plot, though, like others have said, a brief explanation of how rose and danny are related to rook would have tied up some loose ends. i imagine, correct me if i am mistaken, that danny was his partner in fighting crime and that rose was danny's wife...

i like how this bad ass isn't strong enough to deliver the letter himself... it says a lot about how much he cares about rose, but, at the same time, he is avoiding an emotional situation... he went through a lot to make sure she received the letter, but his work is not yet finished...

i don't feel conflicted about him killing the outlaws, because, despite their claim that they are not killers, they clearly are... but, maybe, to make rook stand out as a definite hero (as i am assuming he is), the outlaws should come across as even more villainous...idk... just a thought...

nice work! :)

jamie
 
Very good, I can see the scenes clearly through your great use of detail. Well paced.

"A large figure steps into the doorway of the train office. ROOK CARVER, thirties, stands silhouetted by the sun. His outline is punctuated by the pair of six-shooters than hang at his hips."

This is fantastic!

SAMUEL
Rook Carver? The Rook Carver?

It works and it doesn't, I like the mystery and we definitely get that he has a reputation but no real sense as to what kind of reputation, bad or good.

Probably just because of the 10-page limit but every now and then you need to break up your shots, the action just felt too cluttered together, for instance:

"With all of his strength Samuel rams his heel into the top of Skeet’s boot.

Skeet screams in pain and lets go of Samuel.

Samuel dives out of the way as Rook fires placing a bullet between Skeet’s eyes.

Skeet falls to the floor. Dead."


Question, why does Rook wait so long to act if he's on the train?

"Charlie doesn’t even have time to look up before the gun fires carving a tunnel through his skull."

Vicious, I loved it. :beer:

A good read from start to finish, it felt classic and the ending is painful, how Rook is this infamous gunmen and can't bring himself to talk face-to-face with Rose, it seems to me he was ashamed of Danny's death.
 
nice clean writing style. good action. didn't really understand the ending (relationship of the characters in the letter) and i wish we had a little more time with the main character, perhaps seeing his wife help him get ready in the morning and have him mention the recent train robberies. the image of two gunmen holding human shields was kind of funny in a morbid way. all in all, i liked everything but the contents of the letter which i felt were a little extraneous and non-organic to the rest of the story. i think this script would actually benefit from a few additional pages clearing up the relationships mentioned in the letter.
 
I liked the action and dialogue, but I agree with Noel about Rook.
I didn`t understand why he didn`t deliver it himself, but maybe I have to read it again to make up my own mind.

But it`s a cool setup, and very well excecuted. The descriptions are great at worst and Awesome at best!

Good job!
 
notes as i read...

love the description of ROOK CARVER.

nice opening scene, good set-up. makes me want to keep reading.

maybe let the conductor's dialog introduce CHARLIE LOWREY's identity, since we wouldn't know who he is from his looks... just a thought.

so ROOK is on the train, i'm wondering why he gave SAMUEL the envelop if he was on the train himself.

good action in the gunfight.

why couldn't ROOK deliver the letter?

-----

good script overall; nice work.
 
I like the story here, but the dialogue didn't work for me. It just seemed unnatural in a number of places, particular in the heat of the action scenes when people's lives are on the line yet they still find the time to speak in complete, explanatory sentences.

I also would have liked to see more of a connection between the two central conflicts. To me it seemed like there are two different conflicts going on, the physical conflict of fighting the Lowrie brothers, and Rook's emotional conflict in delivering the bad news. It's cool that it shows a lot about Rook's character in that he's so good in dealing with one type of conflict, but bad at dealing with another. But at the same time, it makes the whole encounter on the train seem sort of tacked on and coincidental.

I don't mind not knowing about Rook, but what I did want to know was why he picked Samuel to deliver the message. Was it just because he worked on the train and was headed in the right direction? Or did he know something about Samuel's personality that made him feel that this is the right man for such a job?

Also we both have characters named Rose!

Good job.
 
Enjoyable read.

I'll address this as an audience member rather than the writer I'm not.

I can understand why Rook doesn't want to send it by post....it's too important, but if I was Rook I'd go right to Rose's place and make a passerby give it to her (under instructions not to give away the fact that I was hiding nearby).

I suppose the only bar to this happening would be that the passerby might need to be aware of Rook's reputation and thus carry out the deed but we have no indication how wide that reputation spreads.

Thanks for the fun read.
 
Well, we're winding down another excellent scriptfest. I appreciate everyone who took the time to read the script, and I appreciate everyone who took the time to comment on the script.

I enjoyed writing this script and playing with archetypes. I think that came out to varying degrees of success. Some of you were doubtful of Rook's actions at the end, and for some of you Rook's actions at the end made you question his character. I really enjoy the varied reactions that the audience can have, and to some extent I leave questions unanswered for the single purpose of allowing different reactions.

A lot of the advice given was extremely helpful and has made this a better script because of it. Once again, thanks to everyone!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top