A short, still in progress

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Hey everyone, I'm working on my second short and would be glad to hear your opinions on the story, whether it is told well enough through the cuts I've made to make sense.



http://vimeo.com/12863288

I'm aware of the unevenness of the edit, particularly as far as sound and color go (and accent/grammar probs with the dialogue), but I'd really like to find out if the story, as a whole, works for a first time viewer. A lot of the script had to be chopped out, backstory on the box from the two interior scenes, to fit it under 4 minutes... I'm hoping I didn't chop out too much, but can no longer look at it with impartial eyes.

A friend of mine suggested I remove the 'pickaxe' scene between the two interior scenes but after trying that out, wasn't quite so sure. Number one, I like the way it looks, number two, I thought it served as a short but useful bridge to break up the monotony of exposition during the interior scenes.

Thoughts and observations appreciated. :)

BTW, it needed to be under 4 minutes and begin with an unrelated photo because it is for this...
 
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My biggest problem with the short is the music. I don't think it fits at all and is distracting.

Also I'm not sure there is enough setup for the twist at the end. I think it would be nice if the audience at least got a hint that it might happen. Instead it doesn't really seem to fit and seems that you just made it up in order to have a good twist at the end. The only The only interaction those to characters have alone seems to be arguing about whether the time capsule even exists, yet they make plans that would seem to suggest they knew it existed.

I like the cinematography though and the overall feel to the thing.
 
Personally I did not like the twist at all. As a viewer I could care less if the man or the woman got hit over the head, I was more interested what was in that damn time capsule.

I hate movies that do this, they build you up for what we all want to see and then the dirtector shows us something else.

IMO you had a good story and ruined it at the end
 
i really liked it, cuts were a little jarring at times, but overall nothing to bad.

The story was well told, pacing was good, and i liked your shot selection.

I agree the music wasnt my fav, but i felt it lent sort of a period piece type of feel to it.
 
intro was a little jarring with the transitions, with that sort of music I would of colourised it to fit, perhaps some hairline effect and some old style title bordings
 
Don't got a lot of time right now, but on the music question, I wonder what bothers you about it? I can see a few things that might be the prob... is it the music selection itself, or how and when it plays? For instance, the first scene, there is no practical source and it could be argued that it is out of place or inappropriate, or that the record player is a pretty flimsy excuse for the bg music... or that there's no reason for the end song. I can accept those criticisms, even if I don't agree... not because I'm stubborn, only because in a lot of ways, the scenes were written with the music in mind. The second of the three songs was added as an afterthought, but the first and the third were pretty much in the script before the script was written.

I'll try to get to the other responses in a bit. Thanks for watching, and taking the time to share your impressions.
 
I think the piece has good style. The pickaxe scene is out of place though as it doesn't build any tension. Just a thought, if you want the back and forth of it, you could do more cutaways to the digging and it may seem more natural instead of there just being one random moment of it. Almost ending the conversation with the Clink of finding the box.

Just an idea.

As far as the music, I get it. It is a bit eclectic for what the scenes are, but I seems to me to be a stylistic choice almost being ironic in adding a lightness to what is a rather devilish plot unfolding behind the scenes (with murder and all)

Overall, I would take another look though and really examine each shot and decide whether or not every shot lends to the story both visually and through any diolauge within it.
 
Took a while to get back...

jghenderson: "Also I'm not sure there is enough setup for the twist at the end. I think it would be nice if the audience at least got a hint that it might happen. Instead it doesn't really seem to fit and seems that you just made it up in order to have a good twist at the end."

You may be right on this... there were two sides to the idea when I was writing it, trying to show that the two actors (Anne and Josh) had some kind of relationship, most likely a friendship, but also that Anne was clearly the girlfriend/spouse of the black haired actor (Martin). I wanted to leave the end, if one were to look back and think about what they saw earlier, a) a surprise and b) plausible from the information that the audience was given. On the other hand, I worried that if I showed too plainly that Josh and Anne were somehow involved beyond friendship, before the porch scene, and before the finale, that would pretty much tip my hand to how it would end. I agree that it might be able to use some more set up, and will take a look through the footage to see if I can find a simple way to show that possibility.

Cieloent: "Personally I did not like the twist at all. As a viewer I could care less if the man or the woman got hit over the head, I was more interested what was in that damn time capsule."

I think this is probably just a difference of opinion that won't be resolved. I hadn't thought about it while writing, shooting, or editing, but it occurred to me that the box is just a MacGuffin. So from a story perspective (at least in terms of crafting a story around it), what is in the box was less important than what happens around it. I never approached this as being about the box, but about the betrayal. I'm still new at doing this stuff, so may not have been able to really get that point across effectively... I'd ask you to consider a few alternate endings.
1) Josh hits Martin (as in the short), and the remaining two open the box. They find it: a) empty b) full of treasure c) full of Dali's undiscovered artwork d) with a nuclear bomb inside- THEN they carry it away, or what else? I don't know.

2) Josh hits the girl, the two guys open the box, and find they same thing, abc or d. Then what?
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For this, I felt what was in the box didn't matter, and didn't know how to work in a follow on resolution in under four minutes.


Jay: "intro was a little jarring with the transitions, with that sort of music I would of colourised it to fit..."

Duly noted, I'll see what I can do.


Sure Shott: :"The pickaxe scene is out of place though as it doesn't build any tension. Just a thought, if you want the back and forth of it, you could do more cutaways to the digging and it may seem more natural instead of there just being one random moment of it. Almost ending the conversation with the Clink of finding the box."

Thanks for this idea. Next time I fire up the timeline, I'll make a duplicate and see about shifting a bunch of stuff around to break up the interior an mix it with the exterior. I'm a big believer in accidental art, and I think this suggestion just might be the ticket to giving the short an entirely different feel. Can't guarantee I'll adopt it, but I'll give it a try.
 
Hmm... I liked the music. It just goes to illustrate you can't please everyone, so go with your instincts and hopefully the majority of people will feel the way you do. I liked the story too. In the end lust and greed trumped greed and revenge. The very beginning is a little rough though. What's with the FBI jacket? I don't think it is needed, to me it doesn't set anything into motion. Overall well done though!
 
Bradbro said:
The very beginning is a little rough though. What's with the FBI jacket? I don't think it is needed, to me it doesn't set anything into motion. Overall well done though!
Click to expand...

Well I'm glad I'm not the only one who likes the music. :) About the beginning with the FBI jacket, this was put together for submission to a pretty interesting contest currently underway at Vimeo. Part of the requirements are that each short start with a still frame from another entrant... the basic idea of the contest, which is pretty innovative (it's co-sponsored by Canon) is that a filmmaker was commissioned by Canon to interpret a photograph and develop a short film out of it, ending this first short film on a still photo/frame. After that, the contest began... Vimeo users in the US were asked to interpret the still at the end of the first commisioned short, and spin off in any direction they wanted to, but must end on a still frame of their own. A winner from each group of chapter entrants is chosen. This goes on for 6 or 7 chapters, the still at the end of each chapter's winner is what the next round of entrants must interpret and use at the beginning of their entries for the next round.

Sounds confusing, but its not really. Sort of like when you were a kid sitting around with your family, one person would begin a story, pass it on the the next person, an online video experiment in the exquisite corpse mold.

So that's why there's an FBI jacket at the beginning.
 
It looks really good, how many actors did you have?

When do you think it will be done? I really want to see it.

The only critique I have is the subtitles. I don't really like the colour of them I think it distracts the mood.
 
Hey Shane, just the two actors and the actress (although I thought that was kind of obvious).

So I've been messing with it, switching up the order and looking for better takes, following Sure Shott's advice.

Sure Shott said:
Just a thought, if you want the back and forth of it, you could do more cutaways to the digging and it may seem more natural...
Click to expand...

It's kind of an experiment but it just might work... anyway, what I'll be doing is replacing the one I got up (on the same vimeo link, so the old draft will go away) with the experimental draft. About 2/3rds through the restructuring. Sound will still be off and subtitles all messed up, but maybe the new ordering will be an improvement. If it doesn't work, I can just go back to the other. Short answer, a new version should be up later today if all goes well.
 
I switch up the order a bit, moving a couple scenes forward to break up the interior scene, and then pushed together what was left of the interior together. Colors, subtitles and sound are still a bit wonky... but I think the rearrangement works a little better.

It's still uploading (using the replace option on vimeo), but I figured I'd post this update before I step out for the rest of the day. Should be all set in a half hour.

http://vimeo.com/12863288
 
So I finished the final cut. There are still a few minor tweaks on color, sound, and fluidity that could be made, but I'm happy with where it is. Because it is a submission for Vimeo's Beyond the Still contest, I guess I'll have to be. The deadline has passed. Uploaded the short last night, link is in the original post and my previous comment.

I am not writing to bump this post, only to give the appropriate update to a project 96.259% complete. Call it a wrap.
 
Half way through to the end of the short was good in my opinion. The first half seemed to not follow or flow very well. I also agree that the building up would need to end with something about finding whats in the capsule.

An idea would be to keep the twist ending, open up the capsule and have a note from the dead guy saying he already got the treasure and "now that the girl is dead" his partner and him could share the spoils. Since the dead guy would be the only one that knew where the treasure was now, it would be quite an ironic ending considering the double cross murder setup.
 
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