99%

Outline complete. My biggest challenge will be keeping the number of pages to six or seven. That way it's eligible for Scarefest.
 
Down to a long 7 pages. Probably can't make this into a 6 minute short for Scarefest unless the pacing is in overdrive.

Fiddlesticks.

Eh, I like it as is.
 
Don't you hate that. On first rewrite I'm now at 13.5 pages. I really wanted to hit 13 for genre symmetry. But what to cut?
 
More thriller than horror but enjoyable for certain, cathartic for sure. Rise up 99%! Now the criticism, take what resonates, ignore the rest:

Why does Maggie need to be knocked out? Why is she loyal when everyone else has turned on him? It's okay for her to be loyal but give us a clue as to their relationship. Their exchange is clinical, businesslike. No personal touches. He even ignores her. Why does she shuffle? She is only 30s.

Why does Richard capitulate so easily? He doesn't need to by physical, he can physically comply while vocally remaining defiant until his will is broken down. His character's strength is established well in his first piece of dialogue but then capitulates almost immediately. He needs to be broken down stage by stage for a more dramatic effect. If you can find it, a film by Rolf de Heer called 'Alexandra's Project' is a masterclass in revenge by deconstruction. The phrase 'please don't hurt me' could be changed to 'don't do anything rash'. Richard is used to telling others what to do. If he were to offer his hand to shake he would do so palm down power position. He will try to control the situation until such time as he accepts his relative lack of power in the situation. He has pressed the button, he knows he is in control at this time. To be first shaken by the arrival of his family and then broken at being forced to choose would have more impact if he remains smarmy and self-assured to this point.

The anti-hero Carl needs some development. He is the voice of the masses but note that V for Vendetta has the ultimate voice of the masses and he has both background and depth. Okay, it's 7 pages but you can spare a line or two to this purpose. You've provided motivation but not much in the way of character. It doesn't need much. A single scene of the proverbial hero 'rescuing a kitten from a tree' can often be enough.

The first half is okay, storywise it's functional but it feels underdeveloped. I get the feeling the first half was written simply to get to the second half, the bit you were excited to write. The second half flows, it's focussed and the drama escalates very nicely. From the line 'Do what you want to me, but please don't hurt my family' this script nails it to the wall. This is the appropriate place for Richard to say please for the first time, as manners would be weakness to such a man.

Just a quick thought, I think a pistol whip might have been better than a punch to the face. Carl only has power via the gun, hence using it to subdue Richard is quite symbolic.

In summary I put my bosses face on this and found it to be very cathartic. I'm going to go start a dialogue with the security guys at the end of my shift... :tongue:
 
You handled writing the suspense well. It's an exciting script!

It feels like it ended too soon or too late. I think the script would be stronger if you left it more ambiguous, or if you gave us some aftermath. At this point I'm left wondering what happens to the family. Also, Carl didn't play by the rules of his own game. Richard didn't choose to sacrifice himself, yet Carl killed him anyway. There needs to be some kind of visible repercussion from that rules violation, otherwise it makes the story feel kind of empty. The fact that Richard doesn't offer himself to save his family is very telling about his character, but it's ultimately meaningless because of Carl's actions.

My two cents.

Thanks for submitting to the fest!
 
Not too bad. While not exactly horror themed, it did have a bit of suspense regading mind games. I agree that Carl didn't play by his own game rules. I also felt the ending with the security guards and the betrayal was a bit rushed, close I think to a borderline dues ex machina moment. I was interested in what happened to the family.
 
Bill,

Let me echo that I enjoyed the second half of the story (after Carl arrives) more than the first. I realize we all have to set up our characters and their situation before the fun can begin, so I'm really not complaining.

Once the games begin, you handle the suspense very well.

My only problem was I would have liked Carl and the Boss to have settled this between themselves.
Once you made Carl a kidnapper and he threatened the lives of children, I started to side with the Boss. I lost my sympathy for Carl and hoped the Boss would somehow wrestle the gun away from Carl to save his family.

If you keep it a personal matter between Carl and the Boss, Carl seems more like a desparate man at the end of his rope, but still someone I can identify with.

Very good writing! Fits the criteria of the contest!
 
Bill - comments as read.

Pg 1 WHAP! ***Is this a gunshot? What did we see/hear other than her fall down? Blood squirt?
Pg 2 ***okay it was a gun
Pg 4 ***If there are gagged they can't be screaming.
***Hopefully there is no attempt to get the audience to feel sorry for this man that lost his job - the threats to family. He is not a V.

Overall - no sure what to say about this story. Its just a brutal murder to me. Horror is not my genre as I don't find such entertaining.
It is well written with good visuals and dialogue. The location is also doable for a small production. Good job!
TimMc
 
Nice start, good images.
The violence of Carl on Maggie does slightly conflict with his following discussion IMO
P4 the violence has escalated, they take his family hostage but i'm not sure about the motivation. ok a selfish boss,, people made redundant, double standards etc but the re action is extreme - could he have done something else or Carl have a dying child abandoned by Richard etc

Nice finish.

Minor point but is this horror or drama/thriller - i'm not the best at these things and it doesn't bother me, but maybe a useful debate.

One other issue, the family. If they are trying to punish Richard, yes the torture of the choice is good but it does seem to blame them as well - maybe they could be lead out first, and we find out reasons he doesn't see them anymore, just to seperate it a touch, if you want a moral feel, which it appears you do.

the other option is a non moral core, with a demoralised employee just out to seek a cruel revenge.

good script
 
Hey Bill,

For me this was sort of different, light (interestingly), there's an element of comedy in this which I like very much.
The game part is very interesting. It's very well put together, no logic holes for me whatsoever.
So, I don't know what to suggest to you. You did your premise justice, I guess!
I'm sorry - really can't think of a thing to suggest:)
99% - loved him saying that.
 
Sorry, but this doesn't fit the catagory of horror for me.

Very well written, but your characters are cardboard-cutouts, total cliches. Could we get a few nuances of personality, feelings, anything from Carl and Richard. It's the smug, rich boss, verses the opressed, laid-off worker routine. Why not just pit MSNBC against Fox News and be done with it? It was hard to find sympathy or understanding for either of these thugs. it's been done before, but maybe a hidden camrea to expose Richard for the gutless coward he is? No let's just shoot the creep in the head. And the fact that Carl kidnaps young children and then shoots their father in front of them is supposed to make me feel for his cause? Maybe you wanted to show that neither of these characters has an ounce of humanity - if so, you succeeded.

This read more like a political screed than a script. Entertainment value for me - zero. And I love horror movies, even cheap slasher stuff if it's done right. This doesn't fit the fest.
 
This was a mish mash for me. I liked parts and I didn't like parts...like one idea for two different stories. Okay, now that I'm not making any sense at all, I'll try to clarify :)

I think technically it's written well, dialogue for the most part rings true, you build up some nice suspense.

On one hand, I like the premise of a secret organization called the 99%...I'm even okay with them whacking some sociopathic CEOs...yay! Lets go Pulp genre with it and kill some people.

On the other hand, you have a disgruntled employee that snaps and toys with his ex-boss and family(probably at Boss' home, so he doesn't need anyone's help). Sounds good to me. We don't always have to feel sympathy for a character as long as they are well drawn out. Life just isn't always that simple.

What didn't work for me, was having the two intertwined, the game seems like the work of a psychopath not the actions of an organised faction of disgruntled workers. I would think the last thing they would want to do was hurt innocent people like their superiors.

I really like the ideas and think you are good at building suspense and putting together an intense scene.

To be horror or not to be horror...doesn't really fit into the horror category for me, but then judging from the other scripts(mine included) the definition has been applied very loosely for this fest :)
 
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Here I go.

- Your first three action blocks could be one. I really prefer an action block to have an action. In this only his talking on the phone is an action. I'm sure you could describe the office and desk in a sentence or two.

This is certainly violent. I would say it's more a thriller than a horror, but I can see the horror aspects...if you relate to the vulture. Other than some tightening I think this is good. I think for this to be a more solid story we'd need to know more of the motives all around. Overall good job.
 
Egg Born Son said:
Why does Maggie need to be knocked out? Why is she loyal when everyone else has turned on him? It's okay for her to be loyal but give us a clue as to their relationship. Their exchange is clinical, businesslike. No personal touches. He even ignores her. Why does she shuffle? She is only 30s.
Click to expand...

Maggie gets knocked out to showcase Carl's determination and to keep the pace. An exchange between Maggie and Carl would work in a feature, but for a short script I wanted to hit the ground running by the end of page one.

You nailed their relationship on the head. He beckons and she comes. He uses her like he uses his employees. They're nothing more than cattle to him, which is why he ignores her.

Egg Born Son said:
Why does Richard capitulate so easily? He doesn't need to by physical, he can physically comply while vocally remaining defiant until his will is broken down. His character's strength is established well in his first piece of dialogue but then capitulates almost immediately. He needs to be broken down stage by stage for a more dramatic effect. If you can find it, a film by Rolf de Heer called 'Alexandra's Project' is a masterclass in revenge by deconstruction. The phrase 'please don't hurt me' could be changed to 'don't do anything rash'. Richard is used to telling others what to do. If he were to offer his hand to shake he would do so palm down power position. He will try to control the situation until such time as he accepts his relative lack of power in the situation. He has pressed the button, he knows he is in control at this time. To be first shaken by the arrival of his family and then broken at being forced to choose would have more impact if he remains smarmy and self-assured to this point.
Click to expand...

This is a great suggestion. I guess my first thought was everyone cracks when a gun is pointed at them. He's kinda like the school bully. He's scary until someone stands up to him. Then he's a quivering mess, kinda like Kurt Russell in "Deathproof".

Egg Born Son said:
The anti-hero Carl needs some development. He is the voice of the masses but note that V for Vendetta has the ultimate voice of the masses and he has both background and depth. Okay, it's 7 pages but you can spare a line or two to this purpose. You've provided motivation but not much in the way of character. It doesn't need much. A single scene of the proverbial hero 'rescuing a kitten from a tree' can often be enough.
Click to expand...

I wanted to add more background to Carl, but I didn't want that subplot to slow the pace. Carl's original motivation stems from his daughter, dying of cancer. He loses his job and healthcare, and the hospital refuses treatment. He can't raise the money (which need explaining) so his daughter dies.
ers would be weakness to such a man.

Egg Born Son said:
Just a quick thought, I think a pistol whip might have been better than a punch to the face. Carl only has power via the gun, hence using it to subdue Richard is quite symbolic.
Click to expand...

I'm not much for symbolism but, sure it's an easy change.
 
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