99%

[Bill Clar]

I think the script would be stronger if you left it more ambiguous, or if you gave us some aftermath. At this point I'm left wondering what happens to the family. Also, Carl didn't play by the rules of his own game. Richard didn't choose to sacrifice himself, yet Carl killed him anyway. There needs to be some kind of visible repercussion from that rules violation, otherwise it makes the story feel kind of empty. The fact that Richard doesn't offer himself to save his family is very telling about his character, but it's ultimately meaningless because of Carl's actions.

I thought about killing the family too but such thoughts disturbed me.

Carl didn't play by the rules because he wanted Richard to kill himself willingly. He has no beef with Richard's family.

 

[Bill Clar]

My only problem was I would have liked Carl and the Boss to have settled this between themselves.
Once you made Carl a kidnapper and he threatened the lives of children, I started to side with the Boss. I lost my sympathy for Carl and hoped the Boss would somehow wrestle the gun away from Carl to save his family.

Thanks! Carl's switch from hero to villain is intended. I don't like cookie cutter protagonists. I prefer guys like Tony Soprano. They're flawed and make bad decisions and we hate them for it.

 

[Bill Clar]

Pg 1 WHAP! ***Is this a gunshot? What did we see/hear other than her fall down? Blood squirt?
Pg 2 ***okay it was a gun
Pg 4 ***If there are gagged they can't be screaming.
***Hopefully there is no attempt to get the audience to feel sorry for this man that lost his job - the threats to family. He is not a V.

Thanks! I should clarify the WHAP. It's supposed to be a punch. Maggie lives!

You can scream through a gag. It's muffled, but audible.

 

[Bill Clar]

Sorry, but this doesn't fit the catagory of horror for me.

And why is that? If Carl whipped out a machete and hacked Richard to pieces would it qualify as horror?

Very well written, but your characters are cardboard-cutouts, total cliches. Could we get a few nuances of personality, feelings, anything from Carl and Richard. It's the smug, rich boss, verses the opressed, laid-off worker routine. Why not just pit MSNBC against Fox News and be done with it? It was hard to find sympathy or understanding for either of these thugs. it's been done before, but maybe a hidden camrea to expose Richard for the gutless coward he is?

Cliches exist for a reason. They're common and people identify with them. If this were a feature then I would give them more character. Otherwise it slows down the pace.

Maybe you wanted to show that neither of these characters has an ounce of humanity - if so, you succeeded.

Thanks!

This read more like a political screed than a script. Entertainment value for me - zero. And I love horror movies, even cheap slasher stuff if it's done right. This doesn't fit the fest.

Okay.