Loss themed script free to good home!

Sarah Daly

Sarah Daly

Well-known member
Hey all,

Just knocked up/carefully crafted a short on the theme of loss entitled 'Camera Obscura'. It runs a smidge long but I can tailor it to your requirements.

Think I managed to attach it here but if not, pm me and I'll happily send it your way!

It's a late-night-write so sorry in advance for typos etc!
 

Attachments

  • Camera Obscura.pdf
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Thanks guys! Glad you liked it!

Ps. If anybody actually wants this I can change the location from a museum to somewhere easier to film in, by the way...I know that might be a problem...
 
Hey sarah, great script. By gone, you mean you found a taker to film the script?

Some feedback for you.. You wrote a full, complete story in just 6 pages--whereas many shorts and exceprts of longer stories. Kudos. The mood and tone was setup very well. Great character descriptions. I really got into the story and could feel for hero and his predicament. A lot of mystery and suspense written in as well. Kept me reading and wanting to know what would happen next.

One thing that didn't work for me was him posting the lost and found ad in the newspaper. Being a museum security worker, I would think the first place he'd go is to the museum's lost and found, and perhaps leave a note there to call his cell. It also seems too lucky that the camera lady found his ad in the paper and called back so quickly.

I liked the ending when the man shows up with the lady to claim the camera.. Even though it seems predictable, your writing style and mood setup lend itself to a man and woman love story, so I was unexpecting of another man to show up at the end. However, when the camera lady calls back and says he is her brother, it felt a little cliche at that point. I was feeling the story heading towards a more melodramatic ending with maybe a hint of possible positive spin at the end.

Superb job overall, liked it alot.
 
The first page was phenomenal, and frankly it set expectations too high for the somewhat weaker payoff.

The Good Bits:
-Your descriptions are tight but thick, a joy to read. Even professional scripts often lack this.
Ex: He wears a security guard's uniform but commands little authority with his weedy
frame.
-The dialog rarely faulted; short but not trite, with some effective turns:
Ex: No, it’s a camera. CA-ME-RA! Good luck finding your camel.
Looks like they got the hump!
Cheesy is NOT synonymous with poor, despite what your run of the mill next door faux-critic may say. Good use of a (judicious) cliche turnaround.
The ending was disappointing given the level of writing on display, but still gave the work a nice wrap-up.

The Not-so-good bytes:
Overall, definitely feels a little "auto-piloty", like you wrote the whole piece in a single sitting. Not everyone is Francine Prose, a little pruning may be just what the doctor ordered. Just a thought.
Specifically:
-The bit with the "elder phallic knocking" could have been excised without so much as ripple. Remember that old people slamming into penii is not inherently funny, and the whole exchange just left a terrible taste in my mouth (no pun intended) and frankly was quite a lot to swallow given the circumstances (pun very much intended).
-Peter seems fairly certain that the model on display is also the camera owner??? Either he has a few more screws loose than I thought he did or this is set in a parallel universe where actors write their lines and models own their cameras...?
-Was the brunette the same as the "Female Voice?" It was difficult to tell. I would be rather concerned if they were, unless there was some note about this being set/shot in Alabama.

In all, it was a very enjoyable read, and you've clearly got talent, but as it stands now there are some critical errors that may need hammering out before it's produced.

Stefan
 
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Hey guys - thanks so much for taking the time to read and give feedback on my script - you both clearly know what you're talking about it so I'm glad you liked parts of it! I get what you mean about the pay-off - it seems I have a compulsion to tie things up in a somewhat predictable way - I'll rethink this. Also, yeah, the script is supposed to be a little surreal and cartoonish but I guess I expected the reader/audience to suspend disbelief just a little too much.

I'm thinking I'll get rid of the old lady who I so cruelly hit in the face with a phallus for the sake of a gag...and rethink the resolution. I don't like the brother thing either...must ditch the cheese...I don't even like cheese.

You guys are clever - thanks for your help!
 
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