Whoring Streets

The whole time I was thinking, " Okay, this Rider is going to turn out to be the sheriff from the beginning, and I'm going to say it was predictable", but you didn't go there, so good going on that!
I did feel a little cheated that we never found out the identity of the rider, and it could've been someone relevant to the story and got us a little more engaged.

As others have said about too much dialog- Have a couple people read this for you, and I'm sure they will find it difficult to perform, and it would be a difficult movie to shoot, because as the rider gives his Soliloquy Buddy is stuck there with nothing to do. Sure, you CAN tell a story through dialog like Shakespeare, but if you do, lines like, "I'm going to kill you" are not going to work.

Sorry if I'm being harsh, but I think you have the possibility of a good script here, but it needs some serious attention from the red pen.

On the good side, I followed everything clearly, and you painted a nice picture with the descriptions. Good work.
 
Sort of nitpicking but the way you structured your sentences sort of threw me off, felt difficult or was chore-like to get through some.
The water is dark blue and the sun bounces all over it,making it painful to look at.
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Why not try: "The blinding sun bounces over the dark blue water."

Don't change the font style by bolding.

The dialogue is rather lengthy and makes for an equally lengthy read. It's almost nothing but talking esp. page 10. I felt like I was reading a lecture, that being said why is he lecturing someone he's about to kill anyway? Maybe while The Rider is giving his big speech you could have buddy breaking away at his restraints to get free or at least have some action to break it up. Even cut away at the dialogue to keep the essentials.

Good camaraderie between the bandits and their dialogue in the beginning didn't take away, flowed well.

The title makes me think the Rider felt that the immoral and unjust of the west are whoring out these streets for their gain and he won't have any more of it. Not bad, some good stuff.
 
I enjoyed reading this story! Great dialogue between characters. I think that although it looks long on paper it could work out well visually. (probably would depend on the casting of the characters) All of the action sequences were easy to follow and it it moved along at a great pace. It may have been cool to see the rider placed in there a little bit earlier (like maybe somewhere before the robbery) but I think the whole thing works pretty well!
 
This story essentially is bogged down by structural issues. In a sense it is a bit Tarantinoesque, with regards to their early chatter about the gun and the hold-up. Seemed like an Homage to "Pulp Fiction."

Things like describing the atmosphere of the town helps dictate the pace. And this felt slow due to this.

The pacing is uneven but the shift in tone from slight humor, to serious robbery to again a Thriller scenario with the Rider which leads to psychological drama is too fast, too abrupt and distracting.

As the audience I'm trying to figure out why didn't Buddy think of a simple thing like the Rider coming after him? Why rest? Why not change hiding places? He didn't seem dumb.

Rider came across like "V" in "V For Vendetta" in that regard, trying to dispel justice but you better know why and I'm gonna tell you so, kinda way.

In essence you have a lot of elements, some really cool going on in these 10 pages. I'd focus on one or two. Keep it simple.

Or go the whole hog and expand.

All the best.
 
Rustom Irani said:
Rider came across like "V" in "V For Vendetta" in that regard, trying to dispel justice but you better know why and I'm gonna tell you so, kinda way.
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it's funny you say that. my inspiration for the rider was partially based on that character.

thanks for the feedback everyone else, it's highly appreciated.
 
I thought this script was a great read all the way up until he captred Buddy.

The rest of the story was good, don't get me wrong, but the didn't make sense. You have the longwinded expository teachings of the Rider. He's going through all of the details of killing someone, and their relatives and such...then he kills him. It's like he's trying to teach him a lesson to change his ways, then kills him.

That whole closing dialogue after the capture is pointless. He should have just walked up to Buddy and shot him in his sleep. If he were a James Bond villain, in that time, Buddy could have escaped or pulled something off. In his current form, he's just a long winded murderer.

See where I'm going? Let me know if I missed something. I dug the story though.
 
Well seeing everyone is mentioning Tarantino...

I think the monolgues would be difficult to make visually interesting.
This is film afterall.

Monologues need to be clever and not cliched or boring.

Tarantino himself forgot about this in "Death Proof". I'm not sure if he actually wrote the screenplay but the dialogue was uniteresting and tedious and all we got to see was some chicks sitting and drinking in a bar for the most part.

BTW - the title doesn't seem to have relevance

Don't get me wrong I'm not an action affectionado but if characters like the masked rider are going to say something it's got to be profound especially since he seems to be alknowing.

Don't get me wrong, there's things to like in this script but overall it lost me. Hope this helps in some small way.
 
i really liked the opening scene (though i am a huge pulp fiction fan..lol)...

when it came to the rider, i was hoping his identity would be revealed and it would be someone related to the story... such as the sheriff he stole the gun from... or death... or something. ;)

i also agreed the end monologue was way too long.

other than that, it was a good script and i liked it :)

jamie
 
leepback said:
please point me to a few that aren't
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off the top of my head: reservoir dogs, there will be blood, REC, state of grace.

jamiejay said:
i really liked the opening scene (though i am a huge pulp fiction fan..lol)...

when it came to the rider, i was hoping his identity would be revealed and it would be someone related to the story... such as the sheriff he stole the gun from... or death... or something. ;)

i also agreed the end monologue was way too long.

other than that, it was a good script and i liked it :)

jamie
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thanks man. it had never even occurred to me that the rider's identity could be suspected as the sheriff from the opening scene. someone else mentioned it earlier in this thread i think.

thanks for your feedback.
 
nouou said:
off the top of my head: reservoir dogs, there will be blood, REC, state of grace.
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OK, OK you win but it's still false advertising (a crime punishable by hangin)

I came her lookin for whores and want my money back!
 
leepback said:
OK, OK you win but it's still false advertising (a crime punishable by hangin)

I came her lookin for whores and want my money back!
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just trying to say i prefer titles that make people ponder its meaning.

in the feature length version i am definitely going to include a couple of whores :)

thanks for your feedback btw.
 
The very first action block had the word “fairly” twice which bugged me.

There’s no segue between his story and their planning to rob the place. One thing followed the other so quickly I was left thinking “what?”. It also seemed overly similar to the opening to “pulp fiction” where the two people are having a conversation when all of a sudden they jump up with guns.

“Overall, he’s about the same frame as Buddy.”

Why does this matter? IMO there’s too much talk of people’s “frames”.



the end of the script brought to mind a james bond villain. gab, gab, gab, instead of kill, kill, kill. maybe it's just a personal thing with me, but it never feels genuine. i think you could condense his speech into something much more powerful. and if he thinks the first guy wasn't really that bad of a guy and the second guy really IS a bad guy, i thought it was strange that he tortured the first guy and shot the second guy in the head. for someone who seems so hellbent on being fair, that felt anything but.


I love the title (my favorite title of the fest) but it doesn’t seem to reference or describe anything in the script?
 
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