Whoring Streets

nouou

nouou

Well-known member

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Logline:
A masked rider aims to stop two bandits.
​
 
Yep, I agree...the title is certainly an attention getter. Looking forward to seeing how the title and tagline come together.
 
Hey hey!

A classic tale of the masked avenger ;) Well this one only worked for me on some levels - I liked the relationship of the two bandits, and the reciting of how one of them gained a new pistol was great. I was really absorbed by that.

The dialogue seemed to float (for me and it is subjective) between what would be authentic (presumably) curse words and at other times an almost tarantino -esque gangster style which at times conflicted. I wouldn't get too concerned about that - as thats probably lol just something i thought!

So - It's all exciting - its reving along. But the holdup goes a bit peculiar - is there a reason this man stands - and refuses to comply with the bandits (causing his inevitable execution.)

So we have the masked rider - and to be honest this is actually where it gets a wee bit less exciting for me! The number of short films where a guy ends up bound in a room with a confident antagonist is just too much (lets shake up that location for a start!!!) Our rider speaks in moralistic monologues that are quite sentimental really, and don't seem to bare a reflection or understanding of the violent world both these characters obviously occupy.

You have rider basically saying stuff like 'now you killed that guy, his kids will never have a pa' type stuff - but nobody could be oblivious to such consequences (except perhaps kids playing violent computer games in a consumer driven society heheh) So im sure a western bandit wouldnt!

It's maybe a bit too superhero black and white moralism going on here - I think it can all work - but the monologue really needs a little work i think (to have the profound intention it seeks) and with a more original location and setup for the end

Hope you don't mind the abstract nature of my feedback im a producer/director by nature not a scriptwriter!

:)

Rock on bro! *Bang bang* ;)
 
I echo some of what lawrie has already pointed out.
I like the relationship between the two bandits., well done creating these characters. There banter was fun.

I was taken out of the story a little by the 'direction' pieces of writing, like 'off screen' and talking directly to us 'from this point on he'll only be known as the rider' It might just be me, but it pulled me out of the story a bit. But nothing major.

I liked the bank robbery and chase scenes, you wrote the action well and how it took place.

The monologue at the end is pretty long and could benefit from being tightened up.

Overall, I think you have a good little short here and I enjoyed the read.
 
I enjoyed the way this one was written. I think lawrie mentioned that it was a bit Tarantino-esque which I did notice, especially how in the beginning there was a benign conversation in a bar that all of a sudden turned into a robbery - which is, of course, the opening of Pulp Fiction (except in a coffee shop).

Next open mouth will be eating a lead bullet.
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...Awesome line there!

Also, I did like the way the action scenes were presented and your imagery was well done.

But I have to say the Rider seemed a bit cliche. Also, his monologues seemed a bit long-winded and could use some condensing.

But it was a cool story and fun to read nonetheless!
 
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Would always avoid using different fonts changes in scripts - bold or coloured. It distracts.

Dialogue was a tab bit long winded in places. I know it;s fun to write this way and I've done it myself. But have had readers come back to me...well throw things back at me and say "stop writing like Tarantino" and find your own voice. It's a shame to say that if you use a lot of dialogue these days, you get compared. So stick to to the rule that less is more. Especially pages 9 to 10 (almost all dialogue).

In all love the title. Story works for me and the action descriptions are well written (a few could be shorter). Too much talking for my liking - altough all well crafted.

Well done.
 
seansshack said:
Would always avoid using different fonts changes in scripts - bold or coloured. It distracts.

Dialogue was a tab bit long winded in places. I know it;s fun to write this way and I've done it myself. But have had readers come back to me...well throw things back at me and say "stop writing like Tarantino" and find your own voice. It's a shame to say that if you use a lot of dialogue these days, you get compared. So stick to to the rule that less is more. Especially pages 9 to 10 (almost all dialogue).

In all love the title. Story works for me and the action descriptions are well written (a few could be shorter). Too much talking for my liking - altough all well crafted.

Well done.
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i think you're right about the bold factor. i hope the action really is decent enough to follow. the way i wrote it is i wrote out the whole thing, then went back and modified some sentences over the next few days, and lost track of where i was. i was pretty busy and thought that what i wrote had made no sense at all.

thanks for your feedback.
 
For an action piece, the long winded monologues gave it a "talking heads" feel. Now, the Rider's dialogue was a mixed bag. It shifted from eloquent to common speech and back, which tended to pull me out of what he's saying. I curious, after you were through, did you read it aloud? I think if you had, you'd have rewritten a lot of the dialogue to sound more natural.

The "tell him the whole story before you kill him" is really over done, very clichéd in style.

In the bar, I'd have preferred to see some kind of resistance from the guy who stood up...even if it was verbal resistance. The way it was done didn't feel quite right. He just stood up but then did nothing. He took no action to stop things and said nothing in defiance. He seemed to be TRYING to get himself killed.

I was curious as the story was going along who this "masked avenger" was. He felt like a comic book superhero. And the money not being real felt a little weird...kinda like they keep counterfeit money on had just in case of robbery. Another little nit I had was when the Rider said, "To me you’re no better than a rapist, a drug dealer, a murderer." You've set your story in 1884 and there were no illegal drugs in the US. Some communities had ordinances against opium, but it was because of their concerns over the Chinese more than the drugs so the term "drug dealer" felt out of place.

Just curious, was this set in Australia? The name of the town as well as it being "a town resting on the edge of water. It’s fairly concentrated but surrounded by nothing but desert." along with the spelling of "whisky" as opposed to "whiskey" made me wonder about it.

To emphasize a word, I'd suggest capitalizing it or underlining it rather than bolding it.

I didn't quite get the title. I was expecting a completely different story than what you wrote, based on the title.

That's a lot of criticisms but on the positive side, the story pulled me along to the finish. It seemed to move quickly and it had me interested in finding out what happened.
 
Hi Nouou, just read your script, thanks for entering.

I thought it was a good read, but I do reiterate a lot of the points already made - long dialogue, man tied in chair, direction, etc. I also agree with their good points - good action, great opening exchange, nice robbery.
A bit more of the confrontation with the man would have been good and I think a reveal of the masked avenger, something to make him do what he does... Something that gives him a cause.

Overall though, I enjoyed the read. Well done.
 
Blaine said:
For an action piece, the long winded monologues gave it a "talking heads" feel. Now, the Rider's dialogue was a mixed bag. It shifted from eloquent to common speech and back, which tended to pull me out of what he's saying. I curious, after you were through, did you read it aloud? I think if you had, you'd have rewritten a lot of the dialogue to sound more natural.

The "tell him the whole story before you kill him" is really over done, very clichéd in style.

In the bar, I'd have preferred to see some kind of resistance from the guy who stood up...even if it was verbal resistance. The way it was done didn't feel quite right. He just stood up but then did nothing. He took no action to stop things and said nothing in defiance. He seemed to be TRYING to get himself killed.

I was curious as the story was going along who this "masked avenger" was. He felt like a comic book superhero. And the money not being real felt a little weird...kinda like they keep counterfeit money on had just in case of robbery. Another little nit I had was when the Rider said, "To me you’re no better than a rapist, a drug dealer, a murderer." You've set your story in 1884 and there were no illegal drugs in the US. Some communities had ordinances against opium, but it was because of their concerns over the Chinese more than the drugs so the term "drug dealer" felt out of place.

Just curious, was this set in Australia? The name of the town as well as it being "a town resting on the edge of water. It’s fairly concentrated but surrounded by nothing but desert." along with the spelling of "whisky" as opposed to "whiskey" made me wonder about it.

To emphasize a word, I'd suggest capitalizing it or underlining it rather than bolding it.

I didn't quite get the title. I was expecting a completely different story than what you wrote, based on the title.

That's a lot of criticisms but on the positive side, the story pulled me along to the finish. It seemed to move quickly and it had me interested in finding out what happened.
Click to expand...

i'm not even sure what i was aiming for regarding the rider to be honest. in retrospect i guess i wanted him to come off as a cold vigilante. the guy in the bar, yeah i agree with you, i am sortof laughing because it's the kindof guy you'd watch on screen and say, "WTF U IDIOT". i wasn't aware about the drug policies back then so thanks for that, if i continue to develop this script in the future i'll keep that in mind.

regarding the title... that's what i was sort of aiming for if you expected something else. there is a meaning to it and i wanted whoever was reading it to interpret it as they see fit. to me it's how the rider views this city he 'works' in. i plan on working on this into a feature and i'll delve deeper into that, but for a short story it's kindof not so obvious.

don't hold back on criticism, it's more helpful than a sugar coated compliment.

did anyone find it difficult to read through the horse chase sequence? was anyone going back and re reading that section twice to understand it, or any part for that matter?
 
Hiya! Not sure where I am on this script. In reflective mode, on 1st read, the lengthy dialogues seemed okay. Sadly on 2nd read through, I'm surprised Buddy (last page) didn't grab the gun and shoot himself just too... escape the Rider's monologue.
But, the Rider himself has such potential in the script - as a scavenger of the plains - ridding the West of scum like Buddy and Ray.
I'm just not convinced he'd take that much trouble once he'd caught a baddy - to lecture him on morality.
The long speeches of the Rider would work fine in a short story???
 
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