"vodou"

MiataFilmSomething said:
This story kinda reminded me of a mini "The Serpent and the Rainbow"


There were a few story issues for me, it seemed hard to follow in a few places, but the story is still solid. I enjoyed reading the dialog . The Dr. Strange name didn't seem to do it for me either.

For a first script, this is far beyond average. I still have the first script I wrote. I read it now and laugh at how horrible it is. I just hope not too many people are laughing at the one I submitted to this fest.

If that is your first script, you are indeed talented. Good job!
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You're right on that. Serpent and the Rainbow gave me the idea. I realized that Dr. Strange sounds a little hokey and obvious, but I didn't care. I actually have a professor by that name who is a really unique character and I left it as a little homage to him.

Thanks so much for the read and the critique. I really appreciate all the input I''m getting from everyone on it. :dankk2:
 
Wow, interesting. I actually started reading from the bottom, so this is the first script I read (though I read all before commenting on any) and it physically made me cringe at the quality of my own entry.

Your dialogue for me me was your strong point - except maybe the Dr Strange's first line which is a bit of an infodump. I loved the vernacular and intermixing of French. It gave real authenticity to the setting.

The weak point for me was Dr. Strange's actions. He is supposed to be the expert and can foresee what they will try to do to him. I wanted him to be an arrogant professor who had a plan where other's fail but who fails anyway. I kinda hate it when the characters don't spot the obvious (which is part of why horror movies irritate me).

But anyway, well done. Good luck in the competition, it certainly is a worthy entry.
 
ghalied said:
Your dialogue for me me was your strong point - except maybe the Dr Strange's first line which is a bit of an infodump. I loved the vernacular and intermixing of French. It gave real authenticity to the setting.

The weak point for me was Dr. Strange's actions. He is supposed to be the expert and can foresee what they will try to do to him. I wanted him to be an arrogant professor who had a plan where other's fail but who fails anyway. I kinda hate it when the characters don't spot the obvious (which is part of why horror movies irritate me).

But anyway, well done. Good luck in the competition, it certainly is a worthy entry.
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You're totally right. It was a gratuitous infodump, but I liked the way it sounded. Dr. Strange is cocky. I had someone in mind with that character. He's very intelligent, and he knows it, and because of that he's a cocky ass at times. With this particular person, it is only the obvious that eludes him.


Thanks for the read and comments, ghalied. I really appreciate all of the feedback. :dankk2:
 
ghalied said:
The weak point for me was Dr. Strange's actions. He is supposed to be the expert and can foresee what they will try to do to him. I wanted him to be an arrogant professor who had a plan where other's fail but who fails anyway.
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I have to disagree with this assessment because, to me, he was an arrogant professor who thought he could do what others could not, but fails anyway. He was so full of himself that he didn't think it was possible he could fail.

I don't mind the "info-dump" as it sets up the story perfectly.
 
It sets up the story but I think it misses a few opportunities. 1. To have something visually interesting at the same time. 2. To show us the professor's personality at the same time (that way we know the obvious eludes him).

There are so may ways to do this. Start with the professor getting off the plane. Show the professor ignore some obvious stuff. Get into a taxi and then have a conversation with the driver. Here we can have the main elements of the story explained while the arrogant professor talks with the caring verbose taxi driver. Or it could be at a cafe with the cynical and knowledgeable expat. Or at the hotel with his put upon new PA.

But I'm not saying my way is correct, I'm just saying that subjectively it wouldn't work for me.
 
I definitely agree that something visually interesting is always important... in fact, I thought it could have been a voice over, or maybe done in flashbacks, spread out over the action in Haiti because every little section of his lecture lines up with the events in the story almost perfectly.

ghalied said:
But I'm not saying my way is correct, I'm just saying that subjectively it wouldn't work for me.
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No worries... I disagreed about the professor, but I don't disagree with you about the long monologue at the beginning.... I just didn't mind it either :)
 
The Info-dump

The Info-dump

Info-dump (not my words) as written ...

DR. STRANGE
Well, you’re partially correct.
It’s a form of societal control,
but regardless of age, the fear of
zombification persists. It doesn’t
matter whether or not it is real.
What matters is that it is
believed. Henry David Thoreau once
said, "It’s not what you look at,it’s what you see."
It’s my intention to uncover exactly what
that is, to the extent of shadowing
a vodou bokor. Unfortunately, there
hasn’t been sufficient research in
this area. Most believe
zombification to be nothing more
than folklore. Others simply find
the research too impractical. Haiti
can be a harrowing place, and vodou
practitioners are renowned for
their secrecy. Anthropologist, Zora
Neale Hurston once wrote, “There is
a swift punishment for the adept
who talks....If he is found guilty,
the executioners are sent to wait on him."

*****
It's not the information that's the issue, but a lack of action to break it up. There are a couple of natural breaks where I think some eye candy can be inserted. Also, get the student to share some of the lines so he's not just a stump on film. Maybe along these lines ...

*****
DR. STRANGE
Well, you’re partially correct.
It’s a form of societal control,
but regardless of age, the fear of
zombification persists. It doesn’t
matter whether or not it is real.
What matters is that it is
believed.

Dr, Strange paces, picks his words carefully.

DR.STRANGE
It’s not what you look at,
it’s what you see.

STUDENT
Henry David Thoreau, but what ...

DR. STRANGE
(miffed and full of pride)
... It’s my intention, to uncover exactly what
that is, to the extent of shadowing a vodou bokor.

Dr. Strange pops a breath mint, crunches it in his teeth. Relaxes.

DR.STRANGE
Unfortunately, there
hasn’t been sufficient research in
this area. Most believe
zombification to be nothing more
than folklore. Others simply find
the research too impractical. Haiti
can be a harrowing place, and vodou
practitioners are renowned for
their secrecy.

He ponders a moment, smiles smug at student.

DR. STRANGE
Extra point if you can name who wrote - "There is
a swift punishment for the adept
who talks....If he is found guilty,the executioners are sent to wait on him."

STUDENT
Anthropologist Zora Neale Hurston. Be careful, Dr. Strange.

Dr. Strange looks impatient, pops another breath mint. Crunch.

DR. STRANGE
Always.

***********

Something like this will add lines, but if you streamline some action blocks, you can free up some space to break up the brick of dialoge.

As written it uses 23 lines, breaking it up uses 49.

On average you are using about 50 lines per page, which means breaking up the dialogue will take a full page instead of a half. Since it looks like you are using one of those script writing softwares that automatically give an extra line above slugs - of which you have 10 - compress that and now you just got half of the space you need.

Always keep the visuals moving, and drop hints of character indiosyncracies.
 
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I liked the story and the subject matter. You can create cool visuals, they are a little inconsistent. Some descriptions were nonexistent and some were detailed.

In the beginning I was a little discouraged. I had no idea what Dr. Strange looked like, the age, the sex. Dr. Strange could have been a woman, there is no mention of the Doctor's sex until page 2 when he picks up 'his' satchel.

I could assume he was a man because he was a doctor, but that would be sexist, wouldn't it? ;)
I just went with the image I had from the comic books I read when I was a kid.

The opening dialogue needed to be broken up, but thats already been addressed. Alex has a some great ideas there, basically his critiques are good as gold.

The script really kicked off for me when I got to the Ramshackle Building. Great descriptions here, I could really visualize what was going on.

You really nailed the dialect in the dialogue. I like the visual at the end where he was in the coffin. The end was expected, but I thought it worked.

For a first script it really showed that you have a talent for writing.
 
I did enjoy reading this one. It flowed nicely and I did not have to work to follow it. I have a question though, that may seem a little stupid, but was Dr. Strange buried in the end because he took a picture, or because he was planning on "talking" at all about any of it?

Nice story and well done.
 
Screenplay by Rachel The Witch:engel017: :thumbdown. Vodou :-KnockedOut(D. Zombification:zombie_smiley:. I'm a little hesitant to say anything negative about this:undecided. I wouldn't want you to get upset:-Mad(DBG):. This was a very interesting story. Great subject matter. I thought it flowed well and it kept me intrigued the whole time. I wish the ending had a little more leading to Dr. Strange being in the coffin. I wanted to know how he got there. I think this would translate great to the screen and would love to see it made.
 
Names are tricky things. For the (probably majority :) ) of your readers who have never heard of a comic-book character called "Doctor Strange," the name will probably provoke at most a mild sense of "What an odd name." Those of us who have heard of the character may (as I did) wind up unable to get it out of their head. :)

I don't know if I would have attempted to write the Haitian characters' dialog in dialect. It adds to the mood when reading, I suppose, but given these politically correct times we live in, I guess I'd be worried that it would offend someone as being overly stereotypical.

The "info dump" has already been run into the ground, so I'll just mention my original thought when reading--it seemed too much to give the Doctor two obscure quotes in the same speech.

I also agree that the transition to the Doctor in the coffin seemed too abrupt. At the very least, a quick addition to the previous scene of the zombie awakening, with the zombie grabbing him and the Bokor saying something threatening.
 
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