nitramlehcar
Well-known member
Vodou forces us to see what our eyes tell us cannot be real, but
then reality, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder...
then reality, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder...
Last edited:
"vodou"
- Thread starter nitramlehcar
- Start date
tmpafilmer25
Active member
I thought it was "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder" ??? 
nitramlehcar
Well-known member
I thought it was "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder" ???
Damnit! That is SO much better! I should change it. :laugh:
Russell Moore
Well-known member
Good logline and poster. In this case, I think its, Beerality is in the eye of the beer holder.
nitramlehcar
Well-known member
Whatever the case, you guys are making me thirsty. :beer:
alex whitmer
Veteran
Ah, but ambitious women seek to better their lot.
Let the men drink hops, and burp and fart and scratch to their heart's content. For the smarter sex, beauty is in the eye of the Zin-holder. Please pass the gorganzola.
Fantastic poster. Powerful stuff.
aw
Let the men drink hops, and burp and fart and scratch to their heart's content. For the smarter sex, beauty is in the eye of the Zin-holder. Please pass the gorganzola.
Fantastic poster. Powerful stuff.
aw
nitramlehcar
Well-known member
haha..so right. Love it. Thanks, alex.
alex whitmer
Veteran
Script review
Script review
Wanted to read this one right off. Certainly lives up to it's name.
SPOILERS BELOW
A few techie things first ...
This ...
(V.O. IN BLACK)
Should be ...
BLACK SCREEN
(V.O.)
Bla, bla, bla
Then to FADE IN
This ...
INT. LECTURE HALL - DAY
Is the LECTURE HALL full, or is this a one-on-one conversation?
This ...
DR. STRANGE
Not at all. Sometimes researchers,
such as Hurston, become a little
too immersed in the worlds they
study.
This kinda telegraphs the end. I knew he was going to bite the big one as soon as I read this. The over-confident ones just ask for it!
Page 2
This ...
Dr. Strange on the phone with informant.
No way to know who he on the phone with.I'd leave off 'with informant'
This ...
DR. STRANGE
I’m at the hotel
Indicate somehow he is on the phone, even if it is mentioned in the action. Just keeps it crystal clear. Maybe try ...
DR. STRANGE (PHONE)
I’m at the hotel
This ...
Give me the location
again... Fine. I’ll be there. You
had better be as well.
Above this, you used (Listens), but here you use rext wrap ...
Is this to indicate long and short listening periods??
And then here ...
DR. STRANGE
I’m on my way to meet him now. I
will have a full account of
everything for the book. I’ll get
back to you soon. I will. Goodbye.
... there is nothing to indicate a break. Be consistent!
This ...
He notices a small cluster of lit candles at his feet and steps over them. He rolls his eyes.
Here again you somewhat telegraph he’s going to die.
This ...
EXT. ALLEYWAY BEHIND SHABBY BUILDING – NIGHT
You used SHABBY for the hotel, but I am guessing this is in another area. If so, use something like RUN DOWN, or DERELICT to keep it clear. If it’s the same building, then the slug should say hotel, not building.
This ...
Dr. Strange looks at his watch and pats the small pistol in
his left jacket pocket.
How do we know it’s a pistol?
This ...
INFORMANT
Maybe a three or four word into before he starts talking.
Page 3
This ...
Dr. Strange reaches into his other pocket and hands the
informant the wad of cash.
Use the general ‘a wad of cash’. Using the specific ‘the wad of cash’ means we have seen it before. When we see it later in the bar, then it becomes ‘the wad of cash’.
This ...
The boy juts his chin ...
So it’s a boy? This is why we need a short intro.
This ...
INFORMANT
(smiling facetiously)
You knock.
Good answer (and adverb!). Your Informant is a likeable character. Has a well defined personality in just a few short dialogues.
This ...
Dr. Strange approaches the door and knocks. It opens with a
screach.
At this point he has left the alley, so you need a new slug. Also, not sure doors screach (spelled screech).
This ...
In the center of the room the Bokor is ...
Here Bokor needs to be in uppercase since he/she is an important character with dialogue.
Split action over pages 3 and 4.
Page 4
This ...
the bokor
as this is a title, it should be capped, the Bokor. I see others are capped, so this is a typo, of which there are a few.
This ...
INT. DINGY BAR - THE NEXT NIGHT
I’d rather see you have the Bokor say something like ‘See you tomorrow evening, Dr. Stange. Rest well. Or something like that.
Continued ...
Script review
Wanted to read this one right off. Certainly lives up to it's name.
SPOILERS BELOW
A few techie things first ...
This ...
(V.O. IN BLACK)
Should be ...
BLACK SCREEN
(V.O.)
Bla, bla, bla
Then to FADE IN
This ...
INT. LECTURE HALL - DAY
Is the LECTURE HALL full, or is this a one-on-one conversation?
This ...
DR. STRANGE
Not at all. Sometimes researchers,
such as Hurston, become a little
too immersed in the worlds they
study.
This kinda telegraphs the end. I knew he was going to bite the big one as soon as I read this. The over-confident ones just ask for it!
Page 2
This ...
Dr. Strange on the phone with informant.
No way to know who he on the phone with.I'd leave off 'with informant'
This ...
DR. STRANGE
I’m at the hotel
Indicate somehow he is on the phone, even if it is mentioned in the action. Just keeps it crystal clear. Maybe try ...
DR. STRANGE (PHONE)
I’m at the hotel
This ...
Give me the location
again... Fine. I’ll be there. You
had better be as well.
Above this, you used (Listens), but here you use rext wrap ...
Is this to indicate long and short listening periods??
And then here ...
DR. STRANGE
I’m on my way to meet him now. I
will have a full account of
everything for the book. I’ll get
back to you soon. I will. Goodbye.
... there is nothing to indicate a break. Be consistent!
This ...
He notices a small cluster of lit candles at his feet and steps over them. He rolls his eyes.
Here again you somewhat telegraph he’s going to die.
This ...
EXT. ALLEYWAY BEHIND SHABBY BUILDING – NIGHT
You used SHABBY for the hotel, but I am guessing this is in another area. If so, use something like RUN DOWN, or DERELICT to keep it clear. If it’s the same building, then the slug should say hotel, not building.
This ...
Dr. Strange looks at his watch and pats the small pistol in
his left jacket pocket.
How do we know it’s a pistol?
This ...
INFORMANT
Maybe a three or four word into before he starts talking.
Page 3
This ...
Dr. Strange reaches into his other pocket and hands the
informant the wad of cash.
Use the general ‘a wad of cash’. Using the specific ‘the wad of cash’ means we have seen it before. When we see it later in the bar, then it becomes ‘the wad of cash’.
This ...
The boy juts his chin ...
So it’s a boy? This is why we need a short intro.
This ...
INFORMANT
(smiling facetiously)
You knock.
Good answer (and adverb!). Your Informant is a likeable character. Has a well defined personality in just a few short dialogues.
This ...
Dr. Strange approaches the door and knocks. It opens with a
screach.
At this point he has left the alley, so you need a new slug. Also, not sure doors screach (spelled screech).
This ...
In the center of the room the Bokor is ...
Here Bokor needs to be in uppercase since he/she is an important character with dialogue.
Split action over pages 3 and 4.
Page 4
This ...
the bokor
as this is a title, it should be capped, the Bokor. I see others are capped, so this is a typo, of which there are a few.
This ...
INT. DINGY BAR - THE NEXT NIGHT
I’d rather see you have the Bokor say something like ‘See you tomorrow evening, Dr. Stange. Rest well. Or something like that.
Continued ...
alex whitmer
Veteran
Continued ...
This ...
from the previous night
Don’t need it if you have already told is this is the next night.
And back to the wad of cash ...
hands the other man a wad of cash which he places in his back pocket.
Is this the same wad Dr. Strange gave the Informant? If so it should say ‘the wad’ to make it clear.
This ...
The younger man helps him
If this is the Informant, then call him the Informant. Do they let ‘boys’ into bars in Haitti?
Page 5
This ...
follow the doomed man
How do we know he’s doomed?
This ...
picks up his bottle of rum on the street
Street or alley?
This ...
He looks around him to see
Don’t need ‘him’.
This ...
DELAPIDATED
Is this whole town falling apart? Dingy, ramshackle, shabby ...
This ...
The young thief
You mean the Informant? Same person?
This ...
DR. STRANGE AND BOKOR ARE SITTING IN THE LAST PEW IN THE BACK OF THE CHURCH.
No need to cap all this.
This ...
(startled) Mon Dieu! Bocor, No.
Souple! Mwen regret sa!(looks
around) Anmwe!
Parenthetical action mixed in with dialogue is kinda frowned upon. Maybe find another way here. I know - 6 pages forces creative use of space.
This ...
side of the theifs head
Typo.
Split action on pages 5 and 6
Page 6
This ...
There is a swift punishment for the
adept who talks...
Maybe he could take a picture of Dr. Strange! Maybe say, For my book, Doctor. Something that drives home the end.
STORY
I think it’s pretty darn solid, but a little predictable. Wasn’t sure how, but knew Dr. Strange would be dead by the end of page 6.
Your strength is in writing visually. I could picture everything clearly. Also this story stayed nice and linear, always moving toward the payoff.
Nice clean writing, and an enjoyable story. Liked it alot.
Maybe not overtly SciFi, but could pass. Maybe somebody will snap this gem up for the Twilight fest.
Thanks for sharing!
Alex
nitramlehcar
Well-known member
Wow. So thorough! Where are you during my peer reviews?
Excellent suggestions. They all seem so obvious now. I have a bad habit of "half-assing." I meant to do the caps thing and check for typos.....really! As far as the technical stuff, I'm pretty clueless. First script attempt.
The candle thing was meant to be a somewhat obvious foreboding. There was a lot more to it that I had to edit out, unfortunately.
Thanks so much for the critique, Alex. :dankk2:
Excellent suggestions. They all seem so obvious now. I have a bad habit of "half-assing." I meant to do the caps thing and check for typos.....really! As far as the technical stuff, I'm pretty clueless. First script attempt.
The candle thing was meant to be a somewhat obvious foreboding. There was a lot more to it that I had to edit out, unfortunately.
Thanks so much for the critique, Alex. :dankk2:
alex whitmer
Veteran
Serious? Wow, impressive.
Well, I'll be happy to proof your work for you if you like.
Alex
nitramlehcar
Well-known member
haha...be careful what you offer. 
tmpafilmer25
Active member
Wow Rachel, she beat the crap out of your script and left it lying on the floor with a black eye and only two teeth left...AWESOME!!!
nitramlehcar
Well-known member
It's kind of ironic. Dr. Strange is an homage to the only professor I have that does that to me. He doesn't miss a thing. I'll have to name the next one Alex. :grin:
alex whitmer
Veteran
arroway
Well-known member
Vodou: the lack of any, even cursory description of the first setting killed the initial flow of the read for me…same thing with the lack of character descriptions. dr Strange? the comic book dr strange? is this fan fiction? i have officially been thrown for a loop, or through a hoop or whatever the phrase is. one quote is enough of a reference for dr strange’s monologue. having two quotes just seems like you’re relying on external work too much. a “vodou boker”? what? the “informant” (who's never described) is called both “boy” and “young man”. which is it? i’m racking my brain trying to visualize anything in this clearly…breaking up the twelve line block of text on pages 3 and 4 might be something to consider. similarly, the nine-liner on page 5 should also be pared down or broken up into smaller chunks. blocks of text like this should be rare in a full length screenplay let alone a six page one. brevity is a script’s best friend. speaking characters are generally capitalized upon first mention. “thief” is misspelled in all his dialog headings.
overall I have no idea what to make of this. I kept seeing the comic book character while reading it. it’s a thoroughly confusing read both in terms of character and format. The one thing I can say is the dialog is very good and the phonetic dialect is done to such a skilled degree that it’s always comprehensible.
PS: for a first script, this is quite an accomplishment. most first scripts are nowhere near this level. watch the typos though.
overall I have no idea what to make of this. I kept seeing the comic book character while reading it. it’s a thoroughly confusing read both in terms of character and format. The one thing I can say is the dialog is very good and the phonetic dialect is done to such a skilled degree that it’s always comprehensible.
PS: for a first script, this is quite an accomplishment. most first scripts are nowhere near this level. watch the typos though.