Trust

Well, thanks for the nice comments.

Yeah, you can't get a lot of background into 10 pages, so I hope allowances will be made that the story starts 'in progress.'

As for the haters:

"Physician, heal thyself."
-Luke 4:23
 
polfilmblog said:
Well, thanks for the nice comments.

Yeah, you can't get a lot of background into 10 pages, so I hope allowances will be made that the story starts 'in progress.'

As for the haters:

"Physician, heal thyself."
-Luke 4:23
Click to expand...


No biggie, remember you want to start scenes late and leave 'em early. It adds drama and frankly cuts the boring stuff anyway. Shorts have about a minute to grab the audience's attention.

And there are no HATERS here. You are on a feedback board, we're here to learn and help.
 
reading now, notes as i go..

nice, jumping right into a car chase near a cliff.

i'm not sure why HENRY needs ILIANA, but we'll see.

so now he's letting her leave and go up the road to catch a bus? i don't get it..

HENRY's being vague with them about the whole situation, but it's just confusing me. and why does ILIANA think he's a burglar?

ok, you're losing me here.. she sews him up, but then lets an assassin into the house and tells the guy where HENRY is?

everybody's dead.. but now ILIANA is in the bathroom, alive? oh there's HENRY alive, too. i'm confused, sorry.

ok.. HENRY's alive and hiding in the closet, but now he wants help out. why did he go in there in the first place then?

now HENRY has killed the intruders and gets a hug.

the relationships between the characters are confusing and frustrating. who is ILIANA to HENRY? a hostage, a teenage friend? a stranger? and why would HENRY go to that house and put kids in danger? and who did he call on the phone?

sorry, i'm just too confused by all the randomness to really understand what happened.
 
Hi Preston,

There's an unstated romantic attraction that has landed them together in the first place. He's a handsome, older spy. She's a younger, wide eyed ingenue.

The ending is sort of like Run Lola Run, where two different outcomes play out. In the first, she doesn't trust him, and acts accordingly.

In the second, she does trust him.

It's about the nature of trust, and the sometimes thin rationales we use to make such a decision.
 
polfilmblog said:
Hi Preston,

There's an unstated romantic attraction that has landed them together in the first place. He's a handsome, older spy. She's a younger, wide eyed ingenue.

The ending is sort of like Run Lola Run, where two different outcomes play out. In the first, she doesn't trust him, and acts accordingly.

In the second, she does trust him.

It's about the nature of trust, and the sometimes thin rationales we use to make such a decision.
Click to expand...

ok, thanks.. i didn't see the attraction, so i guess you gotta show it a little more with their dialog and interactions.
 
I'm not really getting the quick cuts. I think these are meant to be like a series of shots, but with the way it's formatted, it makes comprehension harder. I would use the heading SERIES OF SHOTS and list each shot seperately after double dashes. Make the read as easy and clear as possible for the reader.

Be careful with the use of he/she and him/her in action lines. Most writers I see aren't even aware that they get a little careless with these and that can affect how people comprehend what they are reading. You don't want to confuse the reader for a moment. An example would be on page 2. Henry's first dialogue there. After he speaks, you say she hands a jewel case from her purse. Since this is the first action following Henry speaking, we are inclined to think this is referring to Henry, but it isn't. When there's a he and a she in a scene, it's easier for a reader to sort out whom you mean, but if there are more than two people, or both people are the same gender, there can be confusion.

We are outside a house on page 2. It's good to say whose house in the slug so there's never any confusion. When we go inside, the slug should tell whose kitchen. If you have more than one kitchen in the script, we wouldn't know which is which until we read into the scene. The slug should give us enough specific info where we know exactly where the scene takes place without any guessing.

As he slides out his wallet (you have 'slides his wallet out). Very nit picky, yes, but action lines should be written properly so the writer showcases great writing ability in every way. This is correct use of prepositions. In dialogue, it doesn't matter because most people do not speak properly.

Put O.C. in () so the letters don't blend in with the dialogue heading and look for even a moment like they're connected to it.

What are you intercutting? The bedroom and the living room? An intercut is tricky because it has to be clear what you are going back and forth between. After you establish the second location, use INTERCUT - BEDROOM AND LIVING ROOM (or whatever you are intercutting at the time).

Lots of excitement. It would be kind of expensive to shoot because of that, but it would be possible. Henry was likeable enough. Very mysterious. Good job!
 
I'm obliged to sort the wheat from the chaff.

"I'm not really getting the quick cuts. I think these are meant to be like a series of shots, but with the way it's formatted..."

I don't think you're taking into account the intended audience. People filming a car chase on a mountain road will understand "quck cuts" means exactly what it says. There isn't much need to labor over a series of shots of cars. This is standard, even cliche movie making.

"Be careful with the use of he/she and him/her in action lines. ... After he speaks, you say she hands a jewel case from her purse. "

There are only two characters in the film at this point, a he and a she. I do expect readers to be at least slightly above retarded.

" Most writers I see aren't even aware that they get a little careless with these"

It's not careless, and I'm not "most writers." The two main characters are established. They are accounted for in their actions. I can't help it if "people" hereabouts aren't used to reading screenplays and can't follow basic two person conversations.

"We are outside a house on page 2. It's good to say whose house in the slug so there's never any confusion. "

Nonsense. I keep getting this "advice" that's really not competent or grounded in scripts and films. When someone shows up at a house in a movie, is there a neon glowing sign advertising whose house it is? What exactly are you basing this wisdom on?

It's a house. The audience doesn't know whose house it is. The reader doesn't know whose house it is. That's the way it is.

"When we go inside, the slug should tell whose kitchen."

There is only one house in this film. They just arrived there. They just had a conversation on the doorstep with the owner. If you can't accept that it's the same house from that information, I suggest you read it again.

Scripts are not novels. They are not short stories. They are blueprints for making a film. They describe what the final intended recipient -- the viewer -- will experience. What they need is enough information to paint that picture, no more, no less.

" If you have more than one kitchen in the script, we wouldn't know which is which until we read into the scene."

Since there is only one house, one kitchen, this is completely irrelevant.

"The slug should give us enough specific info where we know exactly where the scene takes place without any guessing."

Answered above.

"As he slides out his wallet (you have 'slides his wallet out). Very nit picky, yes, but action lines should be written properly so the writer showcases great writing ability in every way. This is correct use of prepositions."

Is it? And what's the reasoning behind slides out wallet vs. slides wallet out? Is there some grammatical law I've broken with this?

"Put O.C. in () so the letters don't blend in with the dialogue heading and look for even a moment like they're connected to it."

Yes the anal "Final Draft does it so you have to too."

"What are you intercutting? The bedroom and the living room? An intercut is tricky because it has to be clear what you are going back and forth between. After you establish the second location, use INTERCUT - BEDROOM AND LIVING ROOM (or whatever you are intercutting at the time)."

You know what I'm intercutting.

"Lots of excitement. It would be kind of expensive to shoot because of that, but it would be possible."

I have hope that the car over cliff could be done by an After Effects whiz kid.

" Henry was likeable enough. Very mysterious. Good job!"

Thank you.

I reject the dogmatic nature of a lot of this amateur "format" talk. People seem to be obsessed with the conventions of Final Draft as if that was the only way to present a script. I've seen hundreds of scripts from various periods of Hollywood, and it's just not so. This stifling adherence to the latest set of expectations makes for a lot of god awful, dense, boring screenwriting in my opinion.

Numerous scripts look like the rest on the surface. But they do not provide drama. They do not provide a structured story. They do not provide any mastery of language. No real characters. Numerous amateur symptoms are masked by feeding it through the software, so that appears sort of like what's expected.

It gets tiresome when these people pose as if they were Billy Wilder, now they've made a few backyard Youtube videos. Laughable actually.

That's my mood today. Peace.
 
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That's your mood everyday. It's a shame really. The script is half way decent, but your shitty attitude isn't going to help you get work. Believe me one director/producer has a bad experience with you and they'll pass it on to the next one, until the well of people willing to work with you runs dry.

I really hope you get a clue and get over yourself. Actually, maybe some self confidence would help, then you wouldn't feel the need to defend everything you do. A confident person can be satisfied that they are right without trying to convince everyone else. But then looking at your website you might be drinking from an extremist well and probably will just defend being a prick.

Yes, I know trying to teach a pig English isn't going to work, you'll just get dirty and make the pig angry. But dammit if I don't love helping everyone, even pigs.
 
It's such a pity that vickyn and some others chose to read yours when they could have read and commented on someone's who appreciates, tries to see the viewpoint, selectively applies (I'm not saying that all comments should work for you)...

Very few scripts are good as is, most of them need to be rewritten. I read the comments, I prepare for the rewrite - that's what the comments are for. Aren't you even thinking about rewriting?
 
Hi Chris. Don't you have anyone else to harass?

I think it's important that bad advice be called out and scrutinized. Certainly if my script is fair game, so are the comments said about it. Or is it supposed to be all one way, and I didn't get the memo?

Do you accept what every knob on the internet tells you, at face value?

Are you people f ing kidding me?

Consider the source.

What I have gleaned, for the interested, is that I probably had too much dialogue, and explained a little too much. Some could be cut. I actually did rewrite a couple of times based upon some comments I received before the contest began.

I do not intend on butchering my script based upon the comments of people who don't understand the story in the first place. If you're going to play doctor you should come up with the correct diagnosis before you obsess over your favorite course of treatment.

As for minor style choices over a word here or there, you should understand that's your style, and not necessarily mine. Style, while important in the total effect of the thing, is not something I'm looking for from feedback.

For an example of what I am looking for, there was some genuine omitted information that led to understandable confusion. This was a result of chopping down to 10 pages. I put the info back, and so the character appeared in a scene where she would not have as written. That was good advice, and relevant.

Now Chris, I'm sure you're due for another tantrum. Carry on. Nice avatar.
 
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I guess my main point in ***** slapping you, Chris, was the harsh medicine of getting through to you that you are no oracle of screenwriting. Fronting like you are is painful to witness.

I found your latest script unreadable, terrible. No lie. No hyperbole. This was before you showed up here. I read them all as soon as they were made available on the site.

Note, I didn't run over to s--t all over your thread.
 
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I read your screenplay before I saw your thread here. I won't waste my time on feedback since you don't appear to take anyone's comments seriously and obviously don't appreciate that people have taken their time to read your work.

What I will do is offer you a "tip. Much like you did on the thread I started on the screenwriting page titled "Lots of Screenplays", to try and get some filmmakers to look at my work...remember? "Just a tip. Nobody is looking for "lots of screenplays." Just one great one."

Anyhoo...my tip is to get over yourself. You aren't as good a writer as you think. You're okay but your inability to take anyone's comments seriously means you will stay at this level. If you know so much more than anyone here...why are you here? Why even bother with this step? Because the rest of us are here to learn and to improve and to help one another. You've insulted people who have read your work. How selfish of you. And what a waste of time for us.
 
"You're okay but your inability to take anyone's comments seriously means you will stay at this level."

Wow, it's a chorus. Thanks ever so for stopping by.

Actually, the factual record seems to dispute you. I've responded to every comment posted. I've "seriously" considered them, and given my honest opinion of them. If that's not enough for you, then please just go away.

I'm very busy actually, trying to cast some beautiful actresses in a tv pilot I'm putting together, and get a production on track.

I really don't have time or desire to waste words on kids who want to be taken seriously, but don't have the chops ... to be taken seriously.

Seriously.
 
Don't participate in these contests if you can't take criticism. Even harsh criticism that you don't agree with.

And if someone won't take the criticism you're giving, move on.
 
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