polfilmblog
Well-known member
A spy drags a young woman toward a life or death choice. Will she trust him or not?
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Trust
- Thread starter polfilmblog
- Start date
Yes, go for it. :thumbup:
Russell Moore
Well-known member
Nice. Its got me interested. Looking forward to the script.
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
Cool poster, sounds great.
Gwenhwyfar
Active member
Wow - the poster alone makes me really want to see this. It sounds brilliant!
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Ok, I'm going to review this as I read. "Don't get mad I could've just said 'nice script'.
Pg 1
- We already got your title and name on the title page, why am I seeing it again?
- Use single dashes in your scene heading, well that's the norm at least.
- Write active! Passive is dull and uninspiring. So lose the word 'is' from your scriptwriting language and mose words ending in 'ing', oh and adverbs while you're are at it.
- Turn off MS Word's 'autotype' so you don't get those little 'nd' things and heck why not spell out second.
- How can he shh someone when he's in a death race?
- Seperate some of you action blocks to build the tension and highlight action.
- 'Henry! I don't want to know you anymore!' That's some awesome 50s dialog. I'm guessing this is a period piece and that just nailed it!!
Pg 3
- Is 'Pop Beers' a game. I think you might be missing a word or two there. and no 'Heather Pop Beers' still isn't a sentence.
- Wait '21' this isn't in the 50s.
Pg 7
- 'CELL' phone. This is deffinately not a period piece.
Why does the dialog strike me as classic?
Pg 9
- Lose the camera directions, it takes the reader right out of the story.
- Man I thought he was dead, but this was a dream sequence. Maybe you should've clued us in a little to begin with.
Is he a good guy or a bad guy. Dang, I guess I'll never find out. Great Job!
Pg 1
- We already got your title and name on the title page, why am I seeing it again?
- Use single dashes in your scene heading, well that's the norm at least.
- Write active! Passive is dull and uninspiring. So lose the word 'is' from your scriptwriting language and mose words ending in 'ing', oh and adverbs while you're are at it.
- Turn off MS Word's 'autotype' so you don't get those little 'nd' things and heck why not spell out second.
- How can he shh someone when he's in a death race?
- Seperate some of you action blocks to build the tension and highlight action.
- 'Henry! I don't want to know you anymore!' That's some awesome 50s dialog. I'm guessing this is a period piece and that just nailed it!!
Pg 3
- Is 'Pop Beers' a game. I think you might be missing a word or two there. and no 'Heather Pop Beers' still isn't a sentence.
- Wait '21' this isn't in the 50s.
Pg 7
- 'CELL' phone. This is deffinately not a period piece.
Why does the dialog strike me as classic? Pg 9
- Lose the camera directions, it takes the reader right out of the story.
- Man I thought he was dead, but this was a dream sequence. Maybe you should've clued us in a little to begin with.
Is he a good guy or a bad guy. Dang, I guess I'll never find out. Great Job!
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polfilmblog
Well-known member
"Pg 1
- We already got your title and name on the title page, why am I seeing it again."
Ah, one of those nitpicky, obsessed with trivialties people. Well, Chris, every produced spec script I can remember gave the title and author on the first page of the manuscript. I know how stressful it must be to skip right over that, since you already knew it. Grand apologies.
"- Use single dashes in your scene heading, well that's the norm at least."
Yes, it's the norm. So what?
"- Write active! Passive is dull and uninspiring. So lose the word 'is' from your scriptwriting language and mose words ending in 'ing', oh and adverbs while you're are at it."
My friend, I've seen your work. Pontificating about screenwriting? Really?
"- Turn off words 'autotype' so we don't get those little 'nd' things and heck why not spell out second."
I didn't know what the hell you were referring to. Now I see you don't like "2nd." Yes, I typed that manually (a trick I picked up in the 1950s apparently). Was it too esoteric to call a 2nd car a 2nd car? Is this really keeping you from understanding what's going on there?
"- How can he shh someone when he's in a death race?"
Because it's quite an easy sound to make.
"- Seperate some of you action blocks to build the tension and highlight action."
Again, preaching to me on how to craft a script? Really?
"- 'Henry! I don't want to know you anymore!' That's soem awesome 50s dialog. I'm guessing this is a period piece and that just nailed it."
I guess I forgot to turn on the AUTO-SARCASM function. Gen Y.2ers may not understand that sometimes people do say things plainly.
Pg 3
"- Is 'Pop Beers' a game. I think you might be missing a word or two there."
The line is, "Heather pops beers."
This is a game introduced in 1946 in Roswell New Mexico, around the time of the strange sightings. You'll have to wiki the associated rules and lexicon.
"- Wait '21' this isn't in the 50s."
Do you live in some sort of cave? Now I'm no lawyer, but I have noticed that laws vary across this great nation of ours, nevermind the rest of the planet. Things like, oh, say the age of consent, gambling, speed limits, and yes even the drinking age are not all the same. This is fascinating stuff really that not all places on this earth are exactly as the they are in Chris land.
"- 'CELL' phone. This is deffinately not a period piece. Why does the dialog strike me as classic?"
Okay, an inoffensive question. Perhaps the easy answer is not best here (because I wanted it that way).
This entire contest is, of course, an homage to Alfred Hitchcock (which most seemed to ignore).
But, seeing how the theme of the piece is trust, and the deceit of the male lead is obvious, front and center, I didn't feel the need to complicate matters further with deceptive dialogue and unnecessary games.
"- Lose the camera directions, it takes the reader right out of the story."
Except, that's exactly how the transition should play. It's the clearest, most efficient way of conveying it. It's what needs to be done. If sluglines, or in your case the boorish repetition of "TICK TOCK," don't damage the storytelling, then my money shot can stand, thank you very much.
"- Man I thought he was dead, but this was a dream sequence. Maybe you should've clued us in a little to begin with."
Or not.
"Is he a good guy or a bad guy. Dang, I guess I'll never find out."
No. You won't.
"Great Job!"
Must check the Sarcasometer (purchased in 1957). Damn. It's broken.
- We already got your title and name on the title page, why am I seeing it again."
Ah, one of those nitpicky, obsessed with trivialties people. Well, Chris, every produced spec script I can remember gave the title and author on the first page of the manuscript. I know how stressful it must be to skip right over that, since you already knew it. Grand apologies.
"- Use single dashes in your scene heading, well that's the norm at least."
Yes, it's the norm. So what?
"- Write active! Passive is dull and uninspiring. So lose the word 'is' from your scriptwriting language and mose words ending in 'ing', oh and adverbs while you're are at it."
My friend, I've seen your work. Pontificating about screenwriting? Really?
"- Turn off words 'autotype' so we don't get those little 'nd' things and heck why not spell out second."
I didn't know what the hell you were referring to. Now I see you don't like "2nd." Yes, I typed that manually (a trick I picked up in the 1950s apparently). Was it too esoteric to call a 2nd car a 2nd car? Is this really keeping you from understanding what's going on there?
"- How can he shh someone when he's in a death race?"
Because it's quite an easy sound to make.
"- Seperate some of you action blocks to build the tension and highlight action."
Again, preaching to me on how to craft a script? Really?
"- 'Henry! I don't want to know you anymore!' That's soem awesome 50s dialog. I'm guessing this is a period piece and that just nailed it."
I guess I forgot to turn on the AUTO-SARCASM function. Gen Y.2ers may not understand that sometimes people do say things plainly.
Pg 3
"- Is 'Pop Beers' a game. I think you might be missing a word or two there."
The line is, "Heather pops beers."
This is a game introduced in 1946 in Roswell New Mexico, around the time of the strange sightings. You'll have to wiki the associated rules and lexicon.
"- Wait '21' this isn't in the 50s."
Do you live in some sort of cave? Now I'm no lawyer, but I have noticed that laws vary across this great nation of ours, nevermind the rest of the planet. Things like, oh, say the age of consent, gambling, speed limits, and yes even the drinking age are not all the same. This is fascinating stuff really that not all places on this earth are exactly as the they are in Chris land.
"- 'CELL' phone. This is deffinately not a period piece. Why does the dialog strike me as classic?"
Okay, an inoffensive question. Perhaps the easy answer is not best here (because I wanted it that way).
This entire contest is, of course, an homage to Alfred Hitchcock (which most seemed to ignore).
But, seeing how the theme of the piece is trust, and the deceit of the male lead is obvious, front and center, I didn't feel the need to complicate matters further with deceptive dialogue and unnecessary games.
"- Lose the camera directions, it takes the reader right out of the story."
Except, that's exactly how the transition should play. It's the clearest, most efficient way of conveying it. It's what needs to be done. If sluglines, or in your case the boorish repetition of "TICK TOCK," don't damage the storytelling, then my money shot can stand, thank you very much.
"- Man I thought he was dead, but this was a dream sequence. Maybe you should've clued us in a little to begin with."
Or not.
"Is he a good guy or a bad guy. Dang, I guess I'll never find out."
No. You won't.
"Great Job!"
Must check the Sarcasometer (purchased in 1957). Damn. It's broken.
polfilmblog
Well-known member
Hi Khamisk,
"The only thing - Henry says he saved Heather, when looks like he didn't, he brought trouble. Or so I think
"
That definitely is a place where confusion could set in. The idea was that he stopped them from being detected by a 911 call, but they had another way of locating the device -- the flash drive. Perhaps it has a transmitter of some sort?
"Is he a CIA, protecting some Coke recipe?"
That's the MacGuffin. He's fighting to keep something the other side wants back.
"Enjoyable. Thanks."
Thank you.
"The only thing - Henry says he saved Heather, when looks like he didn't, he brought trouble. Or so I think
"That definitely is a place where confusion could set in. The idea was that he stopped them from being detected by a 911 call, but they had another way of locating the device -- the flash drive. Perhaps it has a transmitter of some sort?
"Is he a CIA, protecting some Coke recipe?"
That's the MacGuffin. He's fighting to keep something the other side wants back.
"Enjoyable. Thanks."
Thank you.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Sorry, I had to fix a few typos in my review. I'm glad you liked it and found it helpful, that's what I was aiming for.
It's level headed writers like you that really renew my faith in reviewing on DVXUser.com.
Peace out.
It's level headed writers like you that really renew my faith in reviewing on DVXUser.com.
Peace out.
Bridget D.
Member
Hey - just finished your script - enjoyed all the action. I did wonder how Iliana started off with the flashdrive in the first place - wanted to know more of the story. I liked the last line. Think I was thinking the same thing.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Hi Polfilm, I just read your script.
It was funny to see the title and your name twice. When you're battling to keep a script within 10 pages for a competition, it seems unecessary.
Your clumping your action together. It should be a new line for each new camera shot. I know, limited space.
The dialogue needs work. You should read it aloud to yourself. Just as it is finding a flow, it jars with badly constructed, and chosen, dialogue.
I got a little lost near the end... Was Henry dead? Did we flash back? If we did, then you need to clearly identify this.
Overall, not a bad idea. It was just difficult to get through. Somethings were written really well, but a lot of it wasn't and jarred, pulling me out of the story. More work, you'll improve this script vastly, just take in what is being said. We're all here to help one another.
Well done for entering, I hope to see you in the next Fest putting the things you learnt to practice.
It was funny to see the title and your name twice. When you're battling to keep a script within 10 pages for a competition, it seems unecessary.
Your clumping your action together. It should be a new line for each new camera shot. I know, limited space.
The dialogue needs work. You should read it aloud to yourself. Just as it is finding a flow, it jars with badly constructed, and chosen, dialogue.
I got a little lost near the end... Was Henry dead? Did we flash back? If we did, then you need to clearly identify this.
Overall, not a bad idea. It was just difficult to get through. Somethings were written really well, but a lot of it wasn't and jarred, pulling me out of the story. More work, you'll improve this script vastly, just take in what is being said. We're all here to help one another.
Well done for entering, I hope to see you in the next Fest putting the things you learnt to practice.
polfilmblog
Well-known member
"Your clumping your action together."
See, it's like this. Your advice only carries as much weight as your writing.
What's wrong with the above?
Anyone?
See, it's like this. Your advice only carries as much weight as your writing.
What's wrong with the above?
Anyone?
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Here you go - You're.
Here you go - http://www.askoxford.com/concise_oed/clump?view=uk
The problem with you, Pol, is you can't take good advice. So, your scripts will always be full of problems and you will never learn. Shame.
Here you go - http://www.askoxford.com/concise_oed/clump?view=uk
The problem with you, Pol, is you can't take good advice. So, your scripts will always be full of problems and you will never learn. Shame.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
You are here, so I guess maybe you have something to learn, but that doesn't appear to be the case. I guess you are one of those people who will mark down the scores of all your competition and claim victory.
I only came back to this well, because I just can't pass up a good train wreck.
I only came back to this well, because I just can't pass up a good train wreck.
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Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
Some format and grammar issues to work on. No biggie. My only gripe is that I'm a lazy bastard so I hate reading direction, but I get it, if your directing it gotta have it. Overall I enjoyed the car chase and your visuals were great. MacGuffin was clear as a bell. Nice work.
mary.susanna
Member
I was confused about the two endings. I see what you were trying to do now, but it didn't make sense to me at the time and it kinda took me out of the story. Also, how did the teenage girl end up with him? Interesting read, but some explanation would make it better.
