Trigger Finger

Oh, yeah, I did read 'Trigger Finger' by the way and enjoyed it. Sure it could lose some weight, but it was entertaining. Especially loved the rusted shears bit, great!
 
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I really liked reading this one. Lots of cool action.

Story wise its fairly 2 dimensional, insofar as we know and learn nothing about the main character other than he is a phenomenal shot, super human like in this regard. After reading, I had no sense of who he is or what he looks like, apart from being beat up and being relinquished of his right index. After awhile I replaced the faceless with Thomas Jane as he appeared in The Punisher. I guess I wanted to have a cool character in the seat. But kind of lost that a bit when he panics at seeing the sheers and his screams when his finger is cut off.

Don't get me wrong though, I did enjoy it as a read, where I struggle is how this would come across on screen as a whole story.
 
Noel Evans said:
I guess I wanted to have a cool character in the seat. But kind of lost that a bit when he panics at seeing the sheers and his screams when his finger is cut off.
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I didn't really mean to imply that he panicked. I described him as being "wild-eyed", which is different from panic. Anybody's going to have their heart rate go up in that kind of situation. Heck, even the unflappable James Bond got a bit crazy while being whacked with a rope in "Casino Royale".

But I appreciate the critique!
 
CallaghanFilms said:
One other point...Although I dug this story, I may be having a wee bit of trouble finding the "pulpiness" factor. Hmmmm
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I was going for the "Pulp Fiction"/Guy Ritchie school of pulp, as suggested in the official rules. Hard boiled gangsters and a superhuman gunman on a vendetta seemed pretty pulpy to me. :beer:
 
Farnsworth said:
I didn't really mean to imply that he panicked. I described him as being "wild-eyed", which is different from panic. Anybody's going to have their heart rate go up in that kind of situation. Heck, even the unflappable James Bond got a bit crazy while being whacked with a rope in "Casino Royale".

But I appreciate the critique!
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Totally understand. But the Punisher doesnt - which is what I meant when I say I couldnt sense the character so I placed my own vision in that didnt fit the space.
 
Noel Evans said:
Totally understand. But the Punisher doesnt - which is what I meant when I say I couldnt sense the character so I placed my own vision in that didnt fit the space.
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Ah, okay. Fair enough.

It was a fine line to walk, trying to make him superhuman yet human. It's something I'd work hard at tweaking if I was going to go forward with this.
 
Really enjoyed this. Great read with some good humor to balance out the action/killing.

Most everything I was going to say has already been said. I do have one question though. If this guys such a badass, how'd he get caught?

That's the one thing that bothered me while reading it.

Good job!
 
Farnsworth said:
I was going for the "Pulp Fiction"/Guy Ritchie school of pulp, as suggested in the official rules. Hard boiled gangsters and a superhuman gunman on a vendetta seemed pretty pulpy to me. :beer:
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Fair enough. I guess I got more of an "action" vibe. Either way, like I said, I dug it...
:beer:
 
I really enjoyed reading this script. It kept my interest from beginning to the end. I also liked the part where they couldn't get the shears open. Saw the twist coming, but thats alright, it was still cool.

One small thing, in the beginning, maybe mention that it is dark in the garage, I was already imagining that it was light and then he was flooded with light. Just would have made for a better visual for me if I'd already pictured it dark. But i'm just being nit picky. Good work!
 
Farnsworth said:
Only because he wanted to be caught. :)
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Ah, that actually makes some sense. However, I think the script could allude to that at the end. He could get something from off the dead mob bosses body that's important, or he could have a line to the mob boss that reveals the mob boss fell for his plan.
 
jasonthewho said:
Ah, that actually makes some sense. However, I think the script could allude to that at the end. He could get something from off the dead mob bosses body that's important, or he could have a line to the mob boss that reveals the mob boss fell for his plan.
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You know, that's a good idea. I may just work that into the next draft (if I do one). Thanks!
 
conlanforever said:
One small thing, in the beginning, maybe mention that it is dark in the garage, I was already imagining that it was light and then he was flooded with light. Just would have made for a better visual for me if I'd already pictured it dark. But i'm just being nit picky. Good work!
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Also a good idea. Thanks!
 
hey, i haven't read through your thread, so forgive me if any of this has been said before... here's the notes i took while reading Trigger Finger:

guy tied up in garage - nice start

bloody, beaten up, out cold

goons and leonard enter


page 2:
"Leonard stares at the guy for a while, sizing him up, and
the guy stares back. He’s trying to look defiant but he’s
got nothing left."

(sounds like Leonard is trying to look defiant. maybe change He's to The Guy is)

FLASHBACK - who's flashback are we in? be extra clear getting in and out of flashbacks/dreams...

good storytelling... leonard recounting to the guy in the chair what happened at the warehouse.

again, who's flashback? still not sure, assuming it's the Guy in the chair.


i like how he can't get the shears open, funny.

predictable at the end, but satisfying nonetheless.

gotta go, more later!!
 
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oh, one more thing... if you titled it something (anything) other than TRIGGER FINGER, you might have better luck concealing the climax. RICOCHET maybe?
 
ok... well-written! i like the format you chose to tell this story (two stories, actually - good job). the script flowed at a good pace and was easy to understand. :thumbup:
 
This was a great read! I really enjoyed it!

The main character switching hands wasn't particularly clever, but I think you pulled it off by already showing that these goons weren't exactly that bright with the hilarious clipper incident.

I don't mind more action than dialogue. A lot of films do that, but I would agree that there were more words than necessary to describe the action at points. I didn't like really care for "sunlight dribbling", or some of the other over-the-top descriptions, but I do love how your words painted a picture and set up the scene. Very visual.

The story was interesting, and that's what's important. I was reminded of the scene with Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper in True Romance. I was thoroughly entertained. :)

Nice!
 
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Neat read! I kinda figured it out, but that's not a minus. For some reason I would have liked to have seen a cooler or more slick ending. Some sarcastic line or odd neighborhood thing happens. Something to make the story seem like it's not over.

Great writing of action though. I enjoyed it.
 
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