Stephen Mick
Totally Usable
Near Dark
Now there's a great vampire movie.
This is not.
Now there's a great vampire movie.
This is not.
Transylmania
- Thread starter Stephen Mick
- Start date
Stephen Mick
Totally Usable
The group vomit scene was an epic fail.
Though I suddenly have a taste for sheep-stuffed goat testicles.
Though I suddenly have a taste for sheep-stuffed goat testicles.
Luis Caffesse
Admin
I'm running out of words
this started out being funny (the idea of seeing it, not the movie itself)
but the funny got sucked out of the room a while ago
this started out being funny (the idea of seeing it, not the movie itself)
but the funny got sucked out of the room a while ago
Luis Caffesse
Admin
Vampire chick fight
just in time
just in time
Luis Caffesse
Admin
Missed opportunity to beat someone with a severed arm
points off for that
points off for that
Luis Caffesse
Admin
Whew
we made it
credits are rolling
we made it
credits are rolling
Simon Höfer
Veteran
Now you wish you had gone to a Avatar screening instead 
But you are highly entertaining me instead! Well done 
But you are highly entertaining me instead! Well done
Luis Caffesse
Admin
Stephen just confirmed we are the only people who bought tickets at this theater today
Mrs. Caffesse
Member
I'd like to weigh in, too, as I accepted the challenge of viewing this travesty. Entertainment was the goal. . .I was highly entertained. it probably falls more under the heading of schadenfreude. . .but still.
Stephen Mick
Totally Usable
When we left the theater, I did indeed ask two different employees if anyone else had bought tickets for "Transylmania" today. Nobody had.
The best way to describe this movie is this…
It's like being shot in the stomach. The searing pain begins quickly, followed by a gradual numbing of most, if not all, senses. Finally, there's resignation that yes, without serious attention, you are going to die.
Full review to come tomorrow.
The best way to describe this movie is this…
It's like being shot in the stomach. The searing pain begins quickly, followed by a gradual numbing of most, if not all, senses. Finally, there's resignation that yes, without serious attention, you are going to die.
Full review to come tomorrow.
Luis Caffesse
Admin
Those that know me know I'm not much of a drinker....
having just got home from the movie whose name we shall not speak, I've just poured myself a drink.
(that's not a joke)
Review coming at some point soon...
(avatar already updated)
having just got home from the movie whose name we shall not speak, I've just poured myself a drink.
(that's not a joke)
Review coming at some point soon...
(avatar already updated)
Stephen Mick
Totally Usable
Tickets in hand…
The Caffesses, ready for the suffer-fest to begin…
Ott, wearing the look of a man about to be beaten with a tube sock full of oranges…
The Caffesses, ready for the suffer-fest to begin…
Ott, wearing the look of a man about to be beaten with a tube sock full of oranges…
Luis Caffesse
Admin
In case anyone doubts we stayed for the whole thing....
Opening credits:
Closing credits:
No one minded us taking pictures during the movie... well.. to be clear, WE didn't mind, and we were the only ones in the theater.
Opening credits:
Closing credits:
No one minded us taking pictures during the movie... well.. to be clear, WE didn't mind, and we were the only ones in the theater.
Stephen Mick
Totally Usable
Ah, that Video Toaster can make some nice opening credits.
Ha! Funny
I get it, only because I have been drinking Lord Calvert for 6 hours in your guys honor waiting for my power to be turned back on so I can log back in. I went green so I run off solar and a bike with a washing machine motor.Ok, I'll finish reading and come back, but before I need to see if it's still at 00% on tomatoes while I have the juice.
Edit: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/transylmania/ still at an outstanding 00%.
Stephen Mick
Totally Usable
"Transylmania" - The Review
"Transylmania" - The Review
It's been a long time since I've been able to enjoy a private screening of any Hollywood film. By "private," in this case, I mean completely open to a public unwilling to punish themselves by watching a movie like "Transylmania." And it's certainly not a good sign when the box office attendant looks confused when you ask for your tickets. But that is how this movie-going experience began: confusion and emptiness.
As the previews began, a sense of dread washed over us all, similar to the feeling of having the assistant call your name at the dentist's office. Bad things were about to happen, the only question was "how bad?"
To put it simply, the opening scene, so loaded with exposition and un-funny-ness, made us feel as if we'd been showered with anaesthetic. Instinctively I looked around for the remote, hoping to change the channel before realizing that I had no control. We were all powerless.
When the opening credits began, which looked by all rights to have been created on a Commodore 64 running Video Toaster, I began to seriously consider leaving.
At this point, I think it's important to establish exactly where my sense of humor lies. There are those who would read this review and say, "well you just don't have the right sense of humor for this film." Well, some of my favorite comedies include "Young Frankenstein," "The Hangover," "There's Something About Mary," and pretty much anything Monty Python has ever done. I think people who know me would say I'm a funny person, and I never shy away from jokes ranging from the scatological to the just plain dark. Generally, I laugh at jokes about serial killers and pedophiles. In short, I am qualified to review this movie.
Some may also argue that comedies are best experienced in full theaters, as if the shared experience makes a funny movie funnier. This may be true in general, but good comedies make you laugh regardless of how many people are with you. The fact that Caffesse (and Mrs.) and Ott joined me meant I was watching the movie with people I think are funny. Had there been laughs, we would have laughed.
There were none.
The next seventy minutes were spent wondering how a script with no laughs could ever be passed off as a comedy? I thought how many times in the "filmmaking chain" there would have been a opportunity to stop this offense. From the initial script reading to the delivery of the film prints to the theaters, someone should have stepped in and aborted this project. The fact that they did not makes me question their sobriety.
The targets of the jokes in "Transylmania" are, to say the least, dated. Films like this, while not a straight spoof, draw many of their jokes from pop culture. Here, the lazy writing references current hot-button topics like Martha Stewart and the lack of blue jeans in Soviet-era Eastern Europe. At least the "Scary Movie" franchise riffs on recent events. The approach here is just lazy.
As an aside, I have never seen a film make smoking pot look so uncool. This film goes out of it's way to undo all the hard work Harold and Kumar have done over the course of their films together. Grade schools should show this film as a way to keep kids off drugs. Sadly, this would create many other issues in our school system.
Most of the cast here you'll also find in the Hillenbrand's previous two "Dorm Daze" films. The best I can say is that in this case, familiarity breeds contempt. Specifically my contempt for their performances. Granted, they had absolutely nothing to work with in the script. Even so, they had to have known what a comedy abomination they were making here, and could have given us some kind of "wink" to let us know they were in on the joke. Instead they stumbled through this farce like the zombies in "Shaun of the Dead," a movie the Hillenbrands have apparently seen but not learned anything from.
And then, finally, the credits were over.
In an interview, the Hillenbrands mentioned embracing comedy because after making a collection of bad horror/thriller movies, they tired of finding "new ways to kill people."
I believe that with "Transylmania" they have still found a new way to kill people. After seeing it, I had very little will to live.
On the drive home, Ott and I sat mostly in stunned silence. We came to a stop light. "I feel sad for all those people in the credits," I said.
"Yeah, I'm totally depressed," he said. As he worked his ticket stub between his fingers. "I'm going to have to destroy this thing."
It was then that I realized something. Yes, this was the worst movie I've ever seen. All the resources, all the talent, all the time that went into it. Wasted. It was a comedy without laughs, not even one.
But in its awfulness, I discovered something: inspiration.
"Don't destroy that stub, Ott. Keep it in your wallet," I said. "Whenever times are hard and you question your talent, take it out, look at it, and remember that you have value."
"Yeah," he said. "At least there are two people less talented than me."
And with that, the pain, the horse flatulence and the dated humor of "Transylmania" washed away, leaving only inspiration.
"Transylmania" - The Review
It's been a long time since I've been able to enjoy a private screening of any Hollywood film. By "private," in this case, I mean completely open to a public unwilling to punish themselves by watching a movie like "Transylmania." And it's certainly not a good sign when the box office attendant looks confused when you ask for your tickets. But that is how this movie-going experience began: confusion and emptiness.
As the previews began, a sense of dread washed over us all, similar to the feeling of having the assistant call your name at the dentist's office. Bad things were about to happen, the only question was "how bad?"
To put it simply, the opening scene, so loaded with exposition and un-funny-ness, made us feel as if we'd been showered with anaesthetic. Instinctively I looked around for the remote, hoping to change the channel before realizing that I had no control. We were all powerless.
When the opening credits began, which looked by all rights to have been created on a Commodore 64 running Video Toaster, I began to seriously consider leaving.
At this point, I think it's important to establish exactly where my sense of humor lies. There are those who would read this review and say, "well you just don't have the right sense of humor for this film." Well, some of my favorite comedies include "Young Frankenstein," "The Hangover," "There's Something About Mary," and pretty much anything Monty Python has ever done. I think people who know me would say I'm a funny person, and I never shy away from jokes ranging from the scatological to the just plain dark. Generally, I laugh at jokes about serial killers and pedophiles. In short, I am qualified to review this movie.
Some may also argue that comedies are best experienced in full theaters, as if the shared experience makes a funny movie funnier. This may be true in general, but good comedies make you laugh regardless of how many people are with you. The fact that Caffesse (and Mrs.) and Ott joined me meant I was watching the movie with people I think are funny. Had there been laughs, we would have laughed.
There were none.
The next seventy minutes were spent wondering how a script with no laughs could ever be passed off as a comedy? I thought how many times in the "filmmaking chain" there would have been a opportunity to stop this offense. From the initial script reading to the delivery of the film prints to the theaters, someone should have stepped in and aborted this project. The fact that they did not makes me question their sobriety.
The targets of the jokes in "Transylmania" are, to say the least, dated. Films like this, while not a straight spoof, draw many of their jokes from pop culture. Here, the lazy writing references current hot-button topics like Martha Stewart and the lack of blue jeans in Soviet-era Eastern Europe. At least the "Scary Movie" franchise riffs on recent events. The approach here is just lazy.
As an aside, I have never seen a film make smoking pot look so uncool. This film goes out of it's way to undo all the hard work Harold and Kumar have done over the course of their films together. Grade schools should show this film as a way to keep kids off drugs. Sadly, this would create many other issues in our school system.
Most of the cast here you'll also find in the Hillenbrand's previous two "Dorm Daze" films. The best I can say is that in this case, familiarity breeds contempt. Specifically my contempt for their performances. Granted, they had absolutely nothing to work with in the script. Even so, they had to have known what a comedy abomination they were making here, and could have given us some kind of "wink" to let us know they were in on the joke. Instead they stumbled through this farce like the zombies in "Shaun of the Dead," a movie the Hillenbrands have apparently seen but not learned anything from.
And then, finally, the credits were over.
In an interview, the Hillenbrands mentioned embracing comedy because after making a collection of bad horror/thriller movies, they tired of finding "new ways to kill people."
I believe that with "Transylmania" they have still found a new way to kill people. After seeing it, I had very little will to live.
On the drive home, Ott and I sat mostly in stunned silence. We came to a stop light. "I feel sad for all those people in the credits," I said.
"Yeah, I'm totally depressed," he said. As he worked his ticket stub between his fingers. "I'm going to have to destroy this thing."
It was then that I realized something. Yes, this was the worst movie I've ever seen. All the resources, all the talent, all the time that went into it. Wasted. It was a comedy without laughs, not even one.
But in its awfulness, I discovered something: inspiration.
"Don't destroy that stub, Ott. Keep it in your wallet," I said. "Whenever times are hard and you question your talent, take it out, look at it, and remember that you have value."
"Yeah," he said. "At least there are two people less talented than me."
And with that, the pain, the horse flatulence and the dated humor of "Transylmania" washed away, leaving only inspiration.
Richard J. Johnson
Joystick Member
Thank you for doing this. You are Brave, Brave souls.