mary.susanna
Member
I liked this, but I didn't really get why the dad would take the blame for him and spend the rest of his life in jail when it was an accident. The writing was good though, and I did like it. Great job. 
Through Eyes of the Innocent
- Thread starter MML
- Start date
KhamIsk
Well-known member
Very original story - the picture with double meaning - I love original.
Structured very well and all...but for me originality is always the main thing.
Poor Arthur Sr. - he thought he was doing a good thing by not telling his son the truth but Arthur Jr's life was ruined all the same.
One minor thing - not sure why Arthur Jr was affected this bad - his dad might have had a reason for killing her after all.
Structured very well and all...but for me originality is always the main thing.
Poor Arthur Sr. - he thought he was doing a good thing by not telling his son the truth but Arthur Jr's life was ruined all the same.
One minor thing - not sure why Arthur Jr was affected this bad - his dad might have had a reason for killing her after all.
alex whitmer
Veteran
Wonderful story.
I like the variety of characters, from age 7 to 85, and what each brings to the story. Makes for a rich vignette. Your variety in locations - from wide-open pasture to small, gray cells also really adds some nice layers.
Really like the play on 'eyes of the innocent' - the painter and the child. Very well done and ties into your poster seamlessly. The painting does its duty as a MacGuffin setting up the story, then recedes nicely. Well done.
I get that Penny never met Grandpa by this exchange ...
PENNY
Who’s the old man?
RACHEL
Just someone Daddy used to know.
Like Arthur Jr's arc - from locked away in his office, bitter and isolated, to now in direct connect with his family. You could have gone with a predictable 'forgiveness' cemetery scene here, and showed great restraint by not doing so.
Great return to the porcelain horse, first seen when mom and son's horns first locked, and the 'gift' of truth was about to be revealed. Love those kinds of attention to detail. It's what makes a garden-variety blanket into a quilt.
This I didn't get ...
The empty rental car idles, stopped in the same place but facing the opposite direction.
l am also not sure why Artie Jr. went to the barn drunk and angry, which could be argued is what really set all this in motion in the first place - and certainly calls into question the 'It was an accident' theory.
As a working document ...
Very crisp writing, and certainly a filmable script with roles actors can really explore. Lots of great cinematic moments here as well. I get that you are really seeing this in your mind as if behind a camera with a production schedule in hand - and that is what a script should do, IMHO. It translates to a very visual story already edited and ready to press the DVD!
If you'd like a line-by-line nitpick review (grammar, use of the/a, better choice of words, etc.), it's avail upon request.
Nicely done.
a
I like the variety of characters, from age 7 to 85, and what each brings to the story. Makes for a rich vignette. Your variety in locations - from wide-open pasture to small, gray cells also really adds some nice layers.
Really like the play on 'eyes of the innocent' - the painter and the child. Very well done and ties into your poster seamlessly. The painting does its duty as a MacGuffin setting up the story, then recedes nicely. Well done.
I get that Penny never met Grandpa by this exchange ...
PENNY
Who’s the old man?
RACHEL
Just someone Daddy used to know.
Like Arthur Jr's arc - from locked away in his office, bitter and isolated, to now in direct connect with his family. You could have gone with a predictable 'forgiveness' cemetery scene here, and showed great restraint by not doing so.
Great return to the porcelain horse, first seen when mom and son's horns first locked, and the 'gift' of truth was about to be revealed. Love those kinds of attention to detail. It's what makes a garden-variety blanket into a quilt.
This I didn't get ...
The empty rental car idles, stopped in the same place but facing the opposite direction.
l am also not sure why Artie Jr. went to the barn drunk and angry, which could be argued is what really set all this in motion in the first place - and certainly calls into question the 'It was an accident' theory.
As a working document ...
Very crisp writing, and certainly a filmable script with roles actors can really explore. Lots of great cinematic moments here as well. I get that you are really seeing this in your mind as if behind a camera with a production schedule in hand - and that is what a script should do, IMHO. It translates to a very visual story already edited and ready to press the DVD!
If you'd like a line-by-line nitpick review (grammar, use of the/a, better choice of words, etc.), it's avail upon request.
Nicely done.
a
theAlchemist
Active member
Really liked your script.
- Nice pace.
- Good structure.
- Great MacGuffin.
- Understandable characters.
- Nice twist. You've build a decent foundation for the twist. We know there's one coming, but we are unsure which way it goes until it's there.
- Clear story.
Russell Moore
Well-known member
Very good and well written script. Very good character development. Great MacGuffin. Nice build up to the twist.
Really well done.
Really well done.
MML
Active member
I think my family snuck in and voted for me. LOL.
Thanks so much for the reads, critiques and votes all. I'm loving these DVX contests!! This is such a great site. I'm really hoping one of the filmmakers here might want to shoot something of mine. I have yet to have that happen.
Thanks so much for the reads, critiques and votes all. I'm loving these DVX contests!! This is such a great site. I'm really hoping one of the filmmakers here might want to shoot something of mine. I have yet to have that happen.
LOL