This Ain't Vegas
- Thread starter DarrenJSeeley
- Start date
Egg Born Son
Veteran
Sweet, with 10 entrants I believe we now have reached competition legitimacy!
I'm glad someone has gone the traditional monster route. Poker playing ghouls, brains for ante...
You hit 13-pages, I'm jealous. Been desperately trying to get my 14 pager down to the magic number for two days but struggling. Still got a dozen lines to reclaim to get there.
Russell Moore
Well-known member
I like the poster and the logline has a good classic horror feel to it...looking forward to reading it.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Glad to see another regular!
DarrenJSeeley
Active member
Part classic horror, part dark comedy to be more precise.
Egg Born Son
Veteran
Most of the issues were grammar. Not a real lot to offer on the story. It's solid, well paced and funny!
Spellcheck! 'Je approaches TODD...', for a moment I was trying to figure out who Je was and why he wasn't introduced in capitals! When I saw what was next to J on the keyboard!
oo and again, 'Quigs will have better luck (than?) you, Ray.'
Top of page three hoots was bluffing now two? Possible it's deliberate since he's describing that 'he ain't told him jack'.
CRANE
If you didn't know there was one, then you don't know it and (I can't?) let you in.
MOMENTS LATER, just say NIGHT. If they were outside and now they are inside we can assume it's more or less continuous. You weren't habitual with this so I'll let it slide :tongue:
Middle of page 5, Crane says: Besides, (we?) got ourselves a new item to play with.
Just 'They approach the card table' in the description will do or capitalise it inline if it's that important.
Nick nacks. The k is so silent it isn't there! EDIT: no my bad, both spellings are correct, must be a regional thing/thang.
If there was anything after this that needs a mention I missed it because I was too engrossed. This one had a lot more clarity than the Find (although that was quite a feat of imagination) and the humour plays out a lot better. This is the best zombie POV I've come across. In the end it was kindof Delamore Delamorte had the groundskeeper gone a different way! The characterisation was executed well and the Alex-twist was very satisfying and on a technical level a pretty clever release of tension. Even though the script was funny it releases the fear that Alex contributed (which played right, escalates the humour by tapping primal responses, increasing audience sensitivity) allowing it to be a pure comedy at the end. I would love to see this made.
Horror - check; affordable - well there's plenty of prosthetics and makeup required but if the filmmaker has those skills themself, then check; games - check.
Spellcheck! 'Je approaches TODD...', for a moment I was trying to figure out who Je was and why he wasn't introduced in capitals! When I saw what was next to J on the keyboard!
oo and again, 'Quigs will have better luck (than?) you, Ray.'
Top of page three hoots was bluffing now two? Possible it's deliberate since he's describing that 'he ain't told him jack'.
CRANE
If you didn't know there was one, then you don't know it and (I can't?) let you in.
MOMENTS LATER, just say NIGHT. If they were outside and now they are inside we can assume it's more or less continuous. You weren't habitual with this so I'll let it slide :tongue:
Middle of page 5, Crane says: Besides, (we?) got ourselves a new item to play with.
Just 'They approach the card table' in the description will do or capitalise it inline if it's that important.
Nick nacks. The k is so silent it isn't there! EDIT: no my bad, both spellings are correct, must be a regional thing/thang.
If there was anything after this that needs a mention I missed it because I was too engrossed. This one had a lot more clarity than the Find (although that was quite a feat of imagination) and the humour plays out a lot better. This is the best zombie POV I've come across. In the end it was kindof Delamore Delamorte had the groundskeeper gone a different way! The characterisation was executed well and the Alex-twist was very satisfying and on a technical level a pretty clever release of tension. Even though the script was funny it releases the fear that Alex contributed (which played right, escalates the humour by tapping primal responses, increasing audience sensitivity) allowing it to be a pure comedy at the end. I would love to see this made.
Horror - check; affordable - well there's plenty of prosthetics and makeup required but if the filmmaker has those skills themself, then check; games - check.
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
I think the real strength of this script is in the location and set design. Little touches that you added were terrific like the poker game being lighted with old flashlights. I can just see that in my mind. I also loved all the things they were using for poker chips.
Egg Born Son did a great job running down the spelling / grammar mistakes. I noticed those as well. Not enough to pull me out of the script, but it is something to be cautious of in your writing. I won't repeat them here.
Good job on your script!
Egg Born Son did a great job running down the spelling / grammar mistakes. I noticed those as well. Not enough to pull me out of the script, but it is something to be cautious of in your writing. I won't repeat them here.
Good job on your script!
Bill Clar
Well-known member
Great opening. I'm intrigued by Ray, especially his appearance. Interesting character.
Typos on page 1: "Je approaches" and "better luck that you"
The banter between Ray and Todd flows. Very rich and not on-the-nose.
I love the outfits from different eras.
When Lew eats some potato chips you tell us "Bits of crumbs sprinkle through his neck and left shoulder". Is Lew a zombie? There was no such indication when he was introduced.
I'm not clear on the rules as they pertain to Alex. It sounds like a special arrangement between Alex and Todd. Ray tells Alex he has his back, but I don't understand Ray's role when he tells Alex he has his back.
Typo on Page 9: "Todd scapes the edge"
Be careful with poker slang as it can confuse non-players. I'm a poker player and I had to look up "full boat".
I like the characters and I like poker but I'm unclear about Alex's role. It was a sting to clean out Ray? If so, why? And what was Alex's role?
Typos on page 1: "Je approaches" and "better luck that you"
The banter between Ray and Todd flows. Very rich and not on-the-nose.
I love the outfits from different eras.
When Lew eats some potato chips you tell us "Bits of crumbs sprinkle through his neck and left shoulder". Is Lew a zombie? There was no such indication when he was introduced.
I'm not clear on the rules as they pertain to Alex. It sounds like a special arrangement between Alex and Todd. Ray tells Alex he has his back, but I don't understand Ray's role when he tells Alex he has his back.
Typo on Page 9: "Todd scapes the edge"
Be careful with poker slang as it can confuse non-players. I'm a poker player and I had to look up "full boat".
I like the characters and I like poker but I'm unclear about Alex's role. It was a sting to clean out Ray? If so, why? And what was Alex's role?
Sunk99
Well-known member
Darren,
Comments as read-
Pg 1 Who is Je? Got it typo - He.
luck that you, Another typo than
Pg 2 Way too much dialogue. This sounds like it might be funny.
Pg 5 Some very funny and cool visuals.
Pg 6 Trained owl - tough for a low budget short.
Pg 11 OVER BLACK I hadn't read that format in a script before. I went out and researched it. Interesting. I don't agree, but I see some pros recommending it for such.
Why don't I agree? Because it causes me to stumble reading. It's the word Over. To me it should either be shot or SPFX or CGI. I'd opt for CGI. Of well - there really isn't a true script standard.
Overall - I like it. Too much dialogue, but the base premise is solid. I might suggest changing the character names to something unusual as there are a lot of characters to keep up with.
Good twist. Chop it in half, dump the owl, and you have a very doable short. I can visualize the guys around the table like the dog poker game picture.
Great job!
Comments as read-
Pg 1 Who is Je? Got it typo - He.
luck that you, Another typo than
Pg 2 Way too much dialogue. This sounds like it might be funny.
Pg 5 Some very funny and cool visuals.
Pg 6 Trained owl - tough for a low budget short.
Pg 11 OVER BLACK I hadn't read that format in a script before. I went out and researched it. Interesting. I don't agree, but I see some pros recommending it for such.
Why don't I agree? Because it causes me to stumble reading. It's the word Over. To me it should either be shot or SPFX or CGI. I'd opt for CGI. Of well - there really isn't a true script standard.
Overall - I like it. Too much dialogue, but the base premise is solid. I might suggest changing the character names to something unusual as there are a lot of characters to keep up with.
Good twist. Chop it in half, dump the owl, and you have a very doable short. I can visualize the guys around the table like the dog poker game picture.
Great job!
Reef dreamer
Active member
Hi Daren,
Like the poster. lets have a look
"je" - i assume he
Flowers off the virgins graves - nice
Finished. Not much to comment on. Bit lost in some parts, tricky one to pull off with cards.
The end wasn't wholly clear, it appears Alex was in on it after all, did i read that right. If so, maybe could be a bit clearer. What affect did he have etc
I like the idea, a card game, in a graveyard, the inhabitants acting like a retirement village, bickering etc and a newbie thrown in to mix it up.
all the best
Like the poster. lets have a look
"je" - i assume he
Flowers off the virgins graves - nice
Finished. Not much to comment on. Bit lost in some parts, tricky one to pull off with cards.
The end wasn't wholly clear, it appears Alex was in on it after all, did i read that right. If so, maybe could be a bit clearer. What affect did he have etc
I like the idea, a card game, in a graveyard, the inhabitants acting like a retirement village, bickering etc and a newbie thrown in to mix it up.
all the best
KhamIsk
Well-known member
Hi Darren,
Great to see you here.
Not a lot of feedback from me, sorry. For some reason yours came my way last - maybe that's why
p6 "Nobody eats, Mister Quigley" - or is it really "nobody eats Mister Quigley" ?
I wonder if you could skip a little at the beginning and get faster to the game - that's where it picked up my interest.
See I don't know anything about poker - I'm wondering why Crane tells them what those people loose if this and that happen ("you loose one game..." he says)
And I don't want to ask questions because all of them deal with that poker I don't know anything about - don't want to ask them
Nice premise to have creatures (whatever they were) play cards at a masouleum/cemetery or any other super creepy place - I see the slug and think horror right away.
Great to see you here.
Not a lot of feedback from me, sorry. For some reason yours came my way last - maybe that's why
p6 "Nobody eats, Mister Quigley" - or is it really "nobody eats Mister Quigley" ?
I wonder if you could skip a little at the beginning and get faster to the game - that's where it picked up my interest.
See I don't know anything about poker - I'm wondering why Crane tells them what those people loose if this and that happen ("you loose one game..." he says)
And I don't want to ask questions because all of them deal with that poker I don't know anything about - don't want to ask them
Nice premise to have creatures (whatever they were) play cards at a masouleum/cemetery or any other super creepy place - I see the slug and think horror right away.
Last edited:
Egg Born Son
Veteran
Ah, that's what I couldn't put my finger on. The graveyard as a retirement village, makes perfect sense.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Immediately I see some long action blocks and long stretches of dialog. Give us something to look at.
- Todd 'Quigs will have better luck THAN...'
Okay, 6 pages in and we have lot of talking about a card game. This is a short, grab us fast. Of course the ghouls may do that for you, but I think it's still a bit chatty.
Ok, it was an interesting and well written piece, but just throwing in zombies doesn't make it a horror. Essentially you got a card game.
- Todd 'Quigs will have better luck THAN...'
Okay, 6 pages in and we have lot of talking about a card game. This is a short, grab us fast. Of course the ghouls may do that for you, but I think it's still a bit chatty.
Ok, it was an interesting and well written piece, but just throwing in zombies doesn't make it a horror. Essentially you got a card game.
DarrenJSeeley
Active member
Chopping off dead men's fingers don't count? :beer:
Russell Moore
Well-known member
Easily the most fun I've had reading a script in the fest. Really like the premise.
The few grammar things I saw have been pointed out. I agree a bit too much dialogue. But alo some very clever humorous dialogue sprinkled in there.
I agree it takes too long to get to the card game. Then once in the card game, it gets a bit cloudy, who has what card, get a card, discard etc. Maybe tighten this up and get us to the one big hand that'll make the viewer sweat with tension and anticipation.
Really clever details throughout, virgins flowers, crumbs through neck, catching finger with the mouth. Good visuals, I could see the set with the flashlights, very cool.
Original and it was fun to read something a bit lighter. Would recommend a good edit, but I think you have a really good and creative script here.
The few grammar things I saw have been pointed out. I agree a bit too much dialogue. But alo some very clever humorous dialogue sprinkled in there.
I agree it takes too long to get to the card game. Then once in the card game, it gets a bit cloudy, who has what card, get a card, discard etc. Maybe tighten this up and get us to the one big hand that'll make the viewer sweat with tension and anticipation.
Really clever details throughout, virgins flowers, crumbs through neck, catching finger with the mouth. Good visuals, I could see the set with the flashlights, very cool.
Original and it was fun to read something a bit lighter. Would recommend a good edit, but I think you have a really good and creative script here.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
The dead don't mind.