The Village

Real solid story. I would of liked to see more conflict regarding MIV possesing the light saber. Speaking of the light saber, that was my only problem with the story. Not creative/original enough. If you had come up with an original weapon and described it well it would of put this story a level up. Other than that good job.
 
STYLZ said:
Real solid story. I would of liked to see more conflict regarding MIV possesing the light saber. Speaking of the light saber, that was my only problem with the story. Not creative/original enough. If you had come up with an original weapon and described it well it would of put this story a level up. Other than that good job.
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I actually mentioned this after reading an early draft. John never listens to me. :D
j/k

Loved the story though. This could be pulled off fairly well as a short. A lot of extras and props but I would like to see it played out visually some day.

Nice work, John!

Mike
 
Good story, but something felt missing. I guess I felt that nothing was really resolved. Soldiers come in, rough the place up, get stopped, and one guy who was an outsider leaves. World keeps on spinnin'.

I would also have used a little space at the very beginning to establish the time and setting of the village as well. I started reading and didn't know if this was in space, or in a Lord Of The Rings Hobbit style village.

Great themes of simple life vs. technology and the pros and cons of each. That was my favorite part. You have much more going on than just s story. Good job!
 
I thought this script was great. You managed to fit all the classic elements of a feature film into 6 pages: plot/underlying theme/acts/character building/conflicts.

Some character descriptions/introductions would have helped me distinguish characters early on. I have a feeling that they were there but you cut them due to the page limit because your characters are distinctive from their dialogue alone. A very difficult skill and commend you on that.

Very thought provoking, well done and good luck.
 
The light saber thing really killed this one for me. I actually thought you were going for a fan fic with this until I read this thread.

I do like the conflict of the script though. How do you argue against the technology or Miv disobeying the rules when it saved a life? That part was very nice.

The scene where the elder or council member or whatever you'd call him says that the penalty for Miv's transgressions is death has some dialog that's a bit on the nose. I'd definitely revisit that during the rewrite.
 
I thought there were a lot of good elements in this script.
I was a little unsure in the beginning as to who was part of the family and who wasn't, it felt a little unclear. I did have a good visual for the setting. A little more description of the village and people would've helped set the atmosphere.

I thought you wrote some good action scenes. I hate to beat a dead horse, but the light sabre put me off a bit.

I liked the premise about technology and why he had to leave the tribe even though he saved a life. I thought that idea worked really well.

I enjoyed the read once the story took off, a good solid action piece.
 
Thanks everyone very much for the comments; they are appreciated.

I definitely could have used four or five more pages for this one and I had a real hard time trimming it to fit in the limit.

Obviously the light saber isn't the appropriate technology device/weapon. I actually do think it fits into this story fine, but the very fact that it's a light saber screams out as unoriginal. On the plus side, it is a do-able and visually-cool effect should the script ever get produced, and I think that this was a factor in my usage of it. However, I see now that coming up with something else would have been much better, and still probably as do-able.
 
Any reason to put a light saber in a short is OK by me. When I was taking a videography class I used a lightsaber spoon in one of my shorts. Good job John. I loved it.
Pauly


PS if anyone is interested in seeing said short click here.
 
I thought it was a good story, bits of it seemed alittle familiar, (Universal Soldier?) but I have to give kudos for using terms like "lightsaber" in the descriptions because it allowed me to instantly visualize it and given the length requirements of the fest, it worked. It wasnt a problem for me, but maybe in the initial description, you could call it something else, and then explain that it was like a lightsaber(?).


The very beginning was a little hard for me to follow because the names dont make it clear who is female and who is male. Pura seems almost unnecessary as she (?) only has two lines in the whole thing. Not clear to me the relationships here. But I very much enjoyed the story.
 
Technologically, a lightsaber-type weapon fits the story perfectly; I suspect that if you'd just used different terminology to describe it, the reaction would have been quite different. That said, I have no usable suggestions on what that terminology would be. :)

Being pulled out of the script by the terminology is pretty much my only complaint, though. I liked the way that the village was originally shown to be a low-tech society, and then all of a sudden we were thrust into a high-tech world with the arrival of the troops. You gave us just enough details about the universe the characters live in along the way, parcelling it out as we needed it rather than dumping it all out at once. I like that the villagers were largely arguing to kill Miv for violating their rules--too often in this sort of "protector" plot, the people being protected seem willing to throw their usual societal rules and customs out the window as long as they feel safe. And what Miv did at the end made me laugh.
 
Captain Pierce said:
Technologically, a lightsaber-type weapon fits the story perfectly; I suspect that if you'd just used different terminology to describe it, the reaction would have been quite different. That said, I have no usable suggestions on what that terminology would be. :)
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How about Power Sword? With a brief description for the geeks in us.
 
I liked this. It was The Village meets Star Wars, but still very different from either.

I agree that you just should have called it something other than lightsaber... just because people automatically think Star Wars.

I definitely would like to know more about Miv's character and how he ended up with the Nats.

Small question- why would they not have anyone on the ship who could fix transmitters?

I like the unique names and the setting and the premise. Overall, you did a good job. :)
 
so when i read the title i thought "shouldn't he think of something that's not a well known m. night shymalan movie that came out a few years ago?" and then a page later, the "outsiders" are mentioned which left me wondering (not for the first time reading some of these entries) if this was fan fiction.

light saber? seriously?

"the men are shocked into impotence" lol

there's a kernal of an idea here. a really good one in fact. just take out all the light saber business and think up an original title and you might be on to something.
 
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