The Script - John LaBonney

[smashedburrito]

Honestly I felt like this is really just a script for the insiders here on DVXuser. I obviously know who JDS is, but it almost tarnishes the script by making it a user here on the forum. I think you should either go big (Spielberg), go goofy (Larry Clark to direct your Goonies Sequel) or completely Made Up (Joe Schmo Director). By making it Jack it really just feels too much like an inside joke to me and took me out of the piece.

Same goes for using yourself and your family. If you are really serious about this script and making it or getting it made then make the lead someone else. Honestly it makes it a little hard to critique when you are using yourself and your family and friends in the script. I am guessing you are making fun of yourself with the "genius" stuff, but I had to assume there.

I thought the crossing guard and the creepy old man were funny characters. I was thinking you could even bring one of them back at the end. As me lunges after Marty, have the crossing guard stop him or something. I like the fruit vendor scene but I think it could be a line or two less. The whole 1 page=1 minute rules applies here and makes it a little lengthy.

Otherwise I thought the script was breezy and funny. I'd suggest trimming and cleaning up the pacing as well as deciding whether or not you want to keep it as a big inside joke.

 

[John LaBonney]

Thanks for reading it; I appreciate your comments very much.

Honestly I felt like this is really just a script for the insiders here on DVXuser....By making it Jack it really just feels too much like an inside joke to me and took me out of the piece.

I agree entirely that this was a script for the insiders of dvxuser. I figured that the members were the only ones going to read it, and they would be the primary audience of the short made from it. So I'm okay with making the film a big inside joke, although there has been some mixed reaction on this theme. But I gave it a try.

Same goes for using yourself and your family. If you are really serious about this script and making it or getting it made then make the lead someone else. Honestly it makes it a little hard to critique when you are using yourself and your family and friends in the script. I am guessing you are making fun of yourself with the "genius" stuff, but I had to assume there.

My wife and I are just characters in the script. In real life I'm a little overweight and have a receding hairline (although I'm all-around likable). I was trying to make John be ridiculously full of himself to give him the motivation to go on this crazy chase.

All-in-all I'm glad I tried the inside joke theme. I'm not sure I would go this way in the next ScriptFest, but I felt that this fest was a pretty unique opportunity to try something like this.

Thanks again!