The Revolver

Hi Mary, Thanks for the review.
I would like to ask though where you thought it dragged?
My problem would be making it too quick and losing the build-up of tension.
 
it just felt repetitive. i know you were building tension, but it came to a point where i was starting to lose interest. more action was needed in the middle in my opinion.
 
Hahahaha, no need to explain. I just like a little more information so I understand where the comment is aimed, and hopefully can improve upon it in future scripts.

Once again, thanks for taking time to review.
 
good job with this...

i like the emotion. the conflict within the father could be felt and left the reader wondering whether or not he was going to go through with it. this was a different kind of suspense than the majority of the scripts because in most of them we are waiting for something bad to happen and here we are waiting for his decision... i myself was torn about whether or not he should do it... but the twist was satisfying... maybe you could have ended it right after the kid shot him and the parents' shocked faces and left out the part about him taking the blame for the son... this would leave it sort of open-ended... as it is, he ends up leaving the son without a father after all... that's sad to me... just a thought. enjoyable script. :)
 
Hey, here's my opinions!

I think the general idea makes for a cool concept. However, much of the dialogue seems very forced and expositional. "She torment me, her father..." pretty heavy handed. Something like just mentioning a photo of her and him doing a father/daughter activity would get the audience to the same point, without it being so literal. Same with the mom, too one dimensional in that she what she was saying, but I felt like she wasn't as hysterical as she should be in that case. I don't know if I'm explaining this right but the way she is on the page, seems to middle of the road. I think she should either be saying do you really want to do this? or the other extreme being like "YOU"RE JUST GONNA SIT THERE AND LET THEM WALK FREE!?" type bullying him. As is something doesn't feel right. Chad and his goons seem very 1 dimensional. I would loose the goons, make it just Chad, and make him slightly remorseful. As is it doesn't really have an emotional impact, why wouldn't you kill that guy? He's gonna kill you, that becomes self defense. Whereas if he's alone and taken by surprise, there's an opportunity there to play with the moral dilemma the father has been going through. Make that character tragic or misunderstood and then you got a whole other ball of wax... does it make the father just as bad to kill him? Does he deserve this too? Hasn't there been enough life lost? This plays out better than as is where there is no choice, it's kill or be killed. Too flat. Don't know why he would bring his wife and kid to go kill someone either, seems needlessly dangerous. But I realize you need that for the kid to shoot, but I would work on figuring out a more inventive situation that doesn't bring his parenting skills into question.

For me these are the things that made this script fall flat. I like the angle you came at it with and I generally like the story, I just think you could make some of these changes and really make it strong.

But as always, just my opinion.
 
Hope this doesn't post twice - my computer is making me crazy tonight. Anyway, just finished your script - definitely liked the story - heavy script. The father seemed to have too much vo for me - telling too much story (like the phone conversations in my script). I definitely didn't like Chad, which is a good thing. I liked the boy coming out of his emotionless state to kill Chad. I did think that was kind of an odd scene - dad bringing wife and kid to the place where his daughter was murdered. Maybe if the father slowly becomes more eccentric/deranged, I could buy him bringing them to the vacant lot. I also liked the idea that the father decides to protect his son, but it did seem unnecessary. Anyway, very interesting script - good job.
 
I liked the idea of this story...each member of the family tormented that the person who murdered Kate has gotten away with it. The twist being that young, quiet Jamie is actually tormented the most.

There were a couple issues I had. One was that 10 years old is a little young to be that accurate with a gun, especially if you've never used one before.

Also, some of the dialog/VO's felt a bit expositional and forced. I didn't mind the VO, but in some parts I thought it might be better if there was actual dialog.

The villain in this story, Chad, is deplorable. A rich kid who gets away with murder, okay. But in one action you show that he's unable to look Sally in the eyes and then the next he's making fun of them being a part family and then confessing to everything. I think you need to be more consistant so we get a better idea of who this guy is.

Good suspense, McGuffin and twist at the end. :)
 
Nice story overall. Even people who haven't lost a child should feel what Ted feels.

Page 1 - Keep slugs simple while giving us the important info. Adjectives don't need to be in them. Save those for opening description lines. You can just say whose dining area this is if that's important, or whose house it is, then a dash, followed by the dining room.

While some like to put a lot of objects in caps, I find it is distracting to the reader. I think the practice is more what a director will do for the shooting script, to note the objects he feels are important. What we feel is important as a writer isn't necessarily what the director will feel is important.

He is seated upright on the dining chair. Again, keep actions simple and make them flow smoothly.

Use 'seated' instead of sat in these cases.

Don't cap characters we first meet in a picture. Only cap real people in the scene as we first meet them.

When cutting dialogue at the bottom of a page, use (MORE) beneath the next line and (CONT'D) next to the name on the next page so it's clear this is the same person continuing. Those who know screenplay format well, like the producers who will be reading the script, know this is how you do the breaking of dialogue so if they don't see those things, they will think for a moment that a different person speaks on the next page. That takes them out of the story until they realize this is the same person speaking. One of the tricks of screenwriting is to never remove the reader from the story so they feel more like they are watching it unfold.

Page 3 - He will be back. I will be waiting. Sounds a little too stiff for how people really talk. Most of the time, we use contractions. Sometimes we won't so it's okay to mix up things a little, but when you don't use them, make sure it sounds right not to.

Page 4 - The revolver will lie between the seats, not sit. In dialogue, people usually don't speak properly, but in action lines, that's where a writer can prove that they command grammar and writing as a whole.

Page 6 - and recognition spreads

Good job!
 
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