DarkElastic
Well-known member
LOGLINE - Ted Kingsly must make a choice, revenge and retribution, or rebuilding his family.
Last edited:
The Revolver
- Thread starter DarkElastic
- Start date
LOGLINE - Ted Kingsly must make a choice, revenge and retribution, or rebuilding his family.
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
Here we go... Looking and sounding good, Dark.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Uploaded.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Ty
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Ok, I'm going to review this as I read. Don't get mad I could've just said 'nice script'. Well I couldn't really give you less after your great review. It's actually inspired me to give great reviews to everyone, well great in my mind anyways.
Pg 1
- Marshall Dean, I have a friend whose actual name is Marshall Dillon. Why I mention that? Who knows.
- Your scene heading is an action block. Just writer Dinning Room and then describe it below.
- Write active. Instead of 'His eyes are red and his look is dishelved. How about 'Ted Kingsley, early 40s, dishelved, stares through blood shot eyes at a 22 revolver.' Heck with a little more work you can make the first two action blocks one.
- Lose the word 'is' from your vocab. 'He sits straight up' reads better then 'He is sat up straight... whoa I dosed off there a moment.
you get what I mean.
- Dang, I hate VO, but I'll reserve judgement.
- Like the unique flash, I'm guessing that's all you want us to see, a girl struggling against a man on some grass. If so you communicated that.
Pg 2
- I'm guessing you are british with all that unique English. Waste Ground, is this a junk yard, abandoned lot, dump? I'm guessing abandoned lot, in American English.
Pg 3
- A 22 won't kill anyone, it'll just make them angry.
Pg 4
- Man, I want a waste ground of death!
PG 7
- What the hell is a Coshes?
- Floor, are they inside now?
- You do know how hard it is to hit a moving target with a hand gun? Sure the 22 doesn't have much kick, but he's going to have to go blasting to hit and keep em down.
- I can't imagine they would get caught? Why not just bury the gun and leave?
Good story. We knew the kid took the gun the minute he got out of the car. Sure I liked the bad guy banter, but I wonder if it would work better if he just started blasting as soon as he saw him? Good Job!
Pg 1
- Marshall Dean, I have a friend whose actual name is Marshall Dillon. Why I mention that? Who knows.
- Your scene heading is an action block. Just writer Dinning Room and then describe it below.
- Write active. Instead of 'His eyes are red and his look is dishelved. How about 'Ted Kingsley, early 40s, dishelved, stares through blood shot eyes at a 22 revolver.' Heck with a little more work you can make the first two action blocks one.
- Lose the word 'is' from your vocab. 'He sits straight up' reads better then 'He is sat up straight... whoa I dosed off there a moment.
you get what I mean.- Dang, I hate VO, but I'll reserve judgement.
- Like the unique flash, I'm guessing that's all you want us to see, a girl struggling against a man on some grass. If so you communicated that.
Pg 2
- I'm guessing you are british with all that unique English.
Waste Ground, is this a junk yard, abandoned lot, dump? I'm guessing abandoned lot, in American English.Pg 3
- A 22 won't kill anyone, it'll just make them angry.
Pg 4
- Man, I want a waste ground of death!
PG 7
- What the hell is a Coshes?
- Floor, are they inside now?
- You do know how hard it is to hit a moving target with a hand gun? Sure the 22 doesn't have much kick, but he's going to have to go blasting to hit and keep em down.
- I can't imagine they would get caught? Why not just bury the gun and leave?
Good story. We knew the kid took the gun the minute he got out of the car. Sure I liked the bad guy banter, but I wonder if it would work better if he just started blasting as soon as he saw him? Good Job!
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Thanks for the review, my good man.
You just remember the other side of the coin, Mr Keaton, I have to deal with your crazy use of my language as well. But I accept and understand!!! ;-)
You just remember the other side of the coin, Mr Keaton, I have to deal with your crazy use of my language as well. But I accept and understand!!! ;-)
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
I know, I'm sorry. The one thing that I do love about your English is that words with different meanings have different spellings, seriously is spelling that hard, America? I just don't get us some times, but we do get to invent new words like 'bling', so we have that....ugh.
seansshack
Well-known member
Good story and solid structure throughout. Just a few suggestions:
When use flashbacks or flashes of any kind, I would treat them as new scenes.
you have:
START FLASH
Kate lies on a dirt ground with grass tufts about her. She
screams and fights against an unknown antagonist, above her.
END FLASH
EXT. FIELD - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
Kate lies on a dirt ground with grass tufts about her. She
screams and fights against an unknown antagonist, above her.
END FLASHBACK
Just makes for an easier read but will effect the length in pages.
Some of the action and descriptions could be written differently.
example
Sat in the LIVING AREA are his wife, SALLY KINGSLY, late
30s, and JAMIE KINGSLY, 10 years old. Sally sits on the
sofa, with red eyes, and holds her son, whom stares out into
space.
First we don't know it's his wife. Tell us visually or through dialog and might read better like:
SALLY KINGSLY, late 30s, sits on the sofa and holds JAMIE KINGSLY, 10 years old. She looks like she has been crying. Sally stares out into space, her thoughts are somewhere else.
The length is not the issue, it's just the breakdown in words. But this is a matter of choice.
I wouldn't describe action within a slugline/scene
INT. THE DINING AREA OF A QUIET HOME - DAY
would just use
INT. DINING AREA - DAY
The house appears to be empty.
Again just a matter of style.
the scene heading of:
EXT. WASTE GROUND OF DEATH - DAY
read a little odd to me.
Overall I just have structure/formatting tips.
Overall a good story. Enjoyed the read. A lot of thought gone into characters and plot. Well done and good luck with it.
When use flashbacks or flashes of any kind, I would treat them as new scenes.
you have:
START FLASH
Kate lies on a dirt ground with grass tufts about her. She
screams and fights against an unknown antagonist, above her.
END FLASH
EXT. FIELD - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
Kate lies on a dirt ground with grass tufts about her. She
screams and fights against an unknown antagonist, above her.
END FLASHBACK
Just makes for an easier read but will effect the length in pages.
Some of the action and descriptions could be written differently.
example
Sat in the LIVING AREA are his wife, SALLY KINGSLY, late
30s, and JAMIE KINGSLY, 10 years old. Sally sits on the
sofa, with red eyes, and holds her son, whom stares out into
space.
First we don't know it's his wife. Tell us visually or through dialog and might read better like:
SALLY KINGSLY, late 30s, sits on the sofa and holds JAMIE KINGSLY, 10 years old. She looks like she has been crying. Sally stares out into space, her thoughts are somewhere else.
The length is not the issue, it's just the breakdown in words. But this is a matter of choice.
I wouldn't describe action within a slugline/scene
INT. THE DINING AREA OF A QUIET HOME - DAY
would just use
INT. DINING AREA - DAY
The house appears to be empty.
Again just a matter of style.
the scene heading of:
EXT. WASTE GROUND OF DEATH - DAY
read a little odd to me.
Overall I just have structure/formatting tips.
Overall a good story. Enjoyed the read. A lot of thought gone into characters and plot. Well done and good luck with it.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Thanks for taking the time to review, Sean.
I would have used Flash Back from the start, but the first image is actually a torment rather than actual fact. His mind is creating an image of what he thinks it would have been like, to toment himself over failing her. I wasn't actually sure what to go with, so I made them all flashes, rather than flash backs... If you get what I mean?
I would have used Flash Back from the start, but the first image is actually a torment rather than actual fact. His mind is creating an image of what he thinks it would have been like, to toment himself over failing her. I wasn't actually sure what to go with, so I made them all flashes, rather than flash backs... If you get what I mean?
seansshack
Well-known member
I would still use scene descriptions and flash rather than flashback.
I've used smash cuts in the past, but since Tropic Thunder one gets slagged off for that lol!
Just formatting hints really as these are the things I have found readers harp on and use against you in competitions and as a result get dragged out of your story when reading.
I've used smash cuts in the past, but since Tropic Thunder one gets slagged off for that lol!
Just formatting hints really as these are the things I have found readers harp on and use against you in competitions and as a result get dragged out of your story when reading.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
I agree with Seanshack, I guess I should've said something.
The purpose for all this fancy formating is to make your intention clear, however going against the grain can make you look like a rookie and that ain't cool.
The purpose for all this fancy formating is to make your intention clear, however going against the grain can make you look like a rookie and that ain't cool.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
OK guys, thanks a lot.
seansshack
Well-known member
+ enjoyed the read so thank you.
nitramlehcar
Well-known member
I loved that the silent kid avenges his sister's death and I loved how you worked that into the script. I got slightly confused with the mother though for a bit. Did Sally turn into Kelly?
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Good spot Rachel, I missed that and so did every person who checked over it for me!!!
It is the same person. She changed her name midway through the script, by the necessary government channels :laugh:
Thanks for reading and finding that one :thumbsup:
It is the same person. She changed her name midway through the script, by the necessary government channels :laugh:
Thanks for reading and finding that one :thumbsup:
KhamIsk
Well-known member
Very unexpected twist and you build up to it very well, I think. Good use of the MacGuffin too.
Many oppose to the use of VO, not me, but I'm always careful with it. I'd cut some of VO lines at the beginning to make the monologue sound crisper. --just a suggestion, of course, more - it's "just in case" suggestion. For example I'd just leave "Ten years old, and a child no longer" and get rid of "his innocence had gone" and the rest from that bit.
Overall - hooray for more or less good ending! Strong piece!
Many oppose to the use of VO, not me, but I'm always careful with it. I'd cut some of VO lines at the beginning to make the monologue sound crisper. --just a suggestion, of course, more - it's "just in case" suggestion. For example I'd just leave "Ten years old, and a child no longer" and get rid of "his innocence had gone" and the rest from that bit.
Overall - hooray for more or less good ending! Strong piece!
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
That's a huge slug. Maybe just DINING ROOM? The other stuff can be in your action.
Be mindful of the proper format for opening and closing a flashback in terms of the spec standard that is.
Careful that the VO doesn't get to OTN. The reveal in VO about rape and everything was bit much. Maybe your flash in the grass could be more revealing somehow and the VO less revealing... Just a thought. Cool. Gotta love parental revenge and the undying love for their kids. What a good Dad and the son is a chip off the old block! I like the bleak feeling throughout that was a bonus. =)
Be mindful of the proper format for opening and closing a flashback in terms of the spec standard that is.
Careful that the VO doesn't get to OTN. The reveal in VO about rape and everything was bit much. Maybe your flash in the grass could be more revealing somehow and the VO less revealing... Just a thought. Cool. Gotta love parental revenge and the undying love for their kids. What a good Dad and the son is a chip off the old block! I like the bleak feeling throughout that was a bonus. =)