The Return
- Thread starter jamiejay
- Start date
alex whitmer
Veteran
Great! Top of my read list!
a
a
Tom Shortridge
Well-known member
Really like the poster on this one, very reminiscent of that old optical illusion with the vase and faces.
Looking forward to the read.
Looking forward to the read.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Good luck, Jamie. Looking forward to the read.
jamiejay
Well-known member
definitely regretting rushing this time... there are is some possible confusion at one point... i'll admit it...not my best work here... :violin:
still... feedback is a good thing and i'm just happy to be here.:beer:
thanks for the compliments on the poster.
alex, can't wait to hear what you think... but i am sorry that you weren't able to enter.
still... feedback is a good thing and i'm just happy to be here.:beer:
thanks for the compliments on the poster.
alex, can't wait to hear what you think... but i am sorry that you weren't able to enter.
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Bridget D.
Member
Can't wait to read your script - I think my script has some possibly confusing points too.
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
Intriguing!!!
MML
Active member
Hi Jamie. You weren't alone. I rushed my entry too. 
Pg. 1 - Intro DRIVER in all caps if he has dialog.
You don't need to CAP character names after they are inrto'd.
Pg. 8 "This is a really lousy plan so far, John." - this line cracked me up. I don't know if it was meant to be funny but just the way you delivered it made me laugh.
The story had me intrigued. I was very curious to know what the heck was going on. You built up some good suspense there. I think if you had more time to polish you would have better explained the twist. I would have like to have known more about Jane and Sarah. Like why did they want Jane gone.
Your dialog is a bit stiff. If you read it out loud, you'll begin to catch the words and phrases that seem a bit unnatural.
And screenwriting is very visual. So you need to work on character descriptions. Ages, physical characteristics maybe some quirks that set one character apart from another.
Cool vibe you created with this story. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Pg. 1 - Intro DRIVER in all caps if he has dialog.
You don't need to CAP character names after they are inrto'd.
Pg. 8 "This is a really lousy plan so far, John." - this line cracked me up. I don't know if it was meant to be funny but just the way you delivered it made me laugh.
The story had me intrigued. I was very curious to know what the heck was going on. You built up some good suspense there. I think if you had more time to polish you would have better explained the twist. I would have like to have known more about Jane and Sarah. Like why did they want Jane gone.
Your dialog is a bit stiff. If you read it out loud, you'll begin to catch the words and phrases that seem a bit unnatural.
And screenwriting is very visual. So you need to work on character descriptions. Ages, physical characteristics maybe some quirks that set one character apart from another.
Cool vibe you created with this story. I look forward to reading more of your work.
jamiejay
Well-known member
thanks for the feedback... this is my fourth script... but time was definitely a big obstacle here... i think i should have made it more clear that it was during the 1940's... that is why the dialogue is how it is... thanks again.
p.s.- if you are really interested in reading my other scripts, you can click on them below
p.s.- if you are really interested in reading my other scripts, you can click on them below
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Hi Jamie, just read your script.
It started off a little normal, but then we're thrown into this confusion that kept me intruiged and eager to read on.
You need to put what time of the day it is to better set the scene. Especially in the Taxi, as things look differently in night than day.
The dialogue needs work, a few more read throughs ;-), to make it less on the nose. Also, I could not guess what era this was from, as one moment it is olden times and next she says 'This is a really lousy plan so far, John.' which sounds more modern.
Hmmmmm, i'm not sure I understand the ending. It leaves it very open to interpretation... I'm guessing they killed the father, but why? Who is the girl who looks like Jane? Why was the neighbour confused about seeing Jane when she obviously thinks Vera is Jane? Is Vera Sarah?
Too many questions and hopefully these will be sorted out with a few more drafts. I know you rushed it in, but I have to give truthful feedback and hopefully helpful feedback.
Overall, not a bad script. But obviously needs more work. Well done for getting it in.
It started off a little normal, but then we're thrown into this confusion that kept me intruiged and eager to read on.
You need to put what time of the day it is to better set the scene. Especially in the Taxi, as things look differently in night than day.
The dialogue needs work, a few more read throughs ;-), to make it less on the nose. Also, I could not guess what era this was from, as one moment it is olden times and next she says 'This is a really lousy plan so far, John.' which sounds more modern.
Hmmmmm, i'm not sure I understand the ending. It leaves it very open to interpretation... I'm guessing they killed the father, but why? Who is the girl who looks like Jane? Why was the neighbour confused about seeing Jane when she obviously thinks Vera is Jane? Is Vera Sarah?
Too many questions and hopefully these will be sorted out with a few more drafts. I know you rushed it in, but I have to give truthful feedback and hopefully helpful feedback.
Overall, not a bad script. But obviously needs more work. Well done for getting it in.
jamiejay
Well-known member
*spoilers*
ok... here goes. the rush really did keep me from writing the script exactly as i wanted it... though, i must say i am a little disappointed that two people now didn't get what i thought was a fairly easy to understand ending... (my teenage sons got it first try without any help... though it was intentionally left open to interpretation because, well.... this is hitchcock... the master of ambiguous endings... but i was hoping it was more clear that the couple killed her family and vera was jane's imposter to get her father's money (it was back before dna and all... you could get away with such silliness)...
how vera looks like jane is not too important... she was a good enough resemblance to jane, who had left years ago, to pull off the scam... though i did want to include something about how the couple had seen her photo in the paper and came up with the idea or something to make that more clear... just not enough time... grr... also, that is why the pictures are removed... because she is not an exact match, of course. and the elderly neighbor was fooled until she saw the real jane...
i think of lousy as more of an older term, i guess... you know the grease song "sandra d"... "lousy with virginity". people seldom use lousy anymore... i don't know if i agree on that one... sorry.
i was really going for hitchcock here... trying to include common hitchcock themes... such as fraud, imposters, mistaken identity, the perfect crime, ambiguous plot, blonde heroines, staircases, railroads... now i feel like i didn't do him justice and that saddens me because we share a birthday
:birthdays:
i definitely agree on the times and that i could use a little more clarity on how the couple came up with the idea... and, of course, all feedback is muchly much appreciated... so thanks, man :beer:
ok... here goes. the rush really did keep me from writing the script exactly as i wanted it... though, i must say i am a little disappointed that two people now didn't get what i thought was a fairly easy to understand ending... (my teenage sons got it first try without any help
... though it was intentionally left open to interpretation because, well.... this is hitchcock... the master of ambiguous endings... but i was hoping it was more clear that the couple killed her family and vera was jane's imposter to get her father's money (it was back before dna and all... you could get away with such silliness)...how vera looks like jane is not too important... she was a good enough resemblance to jane, who had left years ago, to pull off the scam... though i did want to include something about how the couple had seen her photo in the paper and came up with the idea or something to make that more clear... just not enough time... grr... also, that is why the pictures are removed... because she is not an exact match, of course. and the elderly neighbor was fooled until she saw the real jane...
i think of lousy as more of an older term, i guess... you know the grease song "sandra d"... "lousy with virginity". people seldom use lousy anymore... i don't know if i agree on that one... sorry.
i was really going for hitchcock here... trying to include common hitchcock themes... such as fraud, imposters, mistaken identity, the perfect crime, ambiguous plot, blonde heroines, staircases, railroads... now i feel like i didn't do him justice and that saddens me because we share a birthday
:birthdays:i definitely agree on the times and that i could use a little more clarity on how the couple came up with the idea... and, of course, all feedback is muchly much appreciated... so thanks, man :beer:
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nitramlehcar
Well-known member
jamiejay! This was fantastic! You nailed the Cock on head! Umm..inappropriate...
Anyway, I wasn't confused at all and I loved that the end was open to interpretation. Great job!
Anyway, I wasn't confused at all and I loved that the end was open to interpretation. Great job!
nitramlehcar
Well-known member
Oh, I'm sure that more people will like it too. Your script is at the bottom of the viewing list (literally not figuratively , and I actually thought it was a lot less confusing and more Hitchcocky than some others. Overall, I was impressed with this fest. Wish I could've entered.
, and I actually thought it was a lot less confusing and more Hitchcocky than some others. Overall, I was impressed with this fest. Wish I could've entered. 
KhamIsk
Well-known member
This reminds me of Agatha's Cristie's stories - they speak royal English and all, plus it's structured just like one of those detective stories - except the evil has not been punished just yet.
The build up is very good leading to a creepy ending.
Nice flow. Very well structured and an easy read.
Congrats on a great story.
The build up is very good leading to a creepy ending.
Nice flow. Very well structured and an easy read.
Congrats on a great story.
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
Day or night always. Page continues are out of vogue these days.
Jane in all caps once only, then upper lower. Was Sarah the MacGuffin?
Overall I liked the story but feel like we deserved a better end. Tell us visually not audibly.
I wanted to see some kind of pendant or keepsake Jane carried with her tie it all together... or something.
I did like it though. I like how he is being playful at the end, it's creepy and creepy is good! Nice work.
Jane in all caps once only, then upper lower. Was Sarah the MacGuffin?
Overall I liked the story but feel like we deserved a better end. Tell us visually not audibly.
I wanted to see some kind of pendant or keepsake Jane carried with her tie it all together... or something.
I did like it though. I like how he is being playful at the end, it's creepy and creepy is good! Nice work.
mary.susanna
Member
Ok, so I really liked this one too. I was a little confused in the beginning with Jane and Vera, but I realized toward the end that you wanted us to be...so, very well done. I also really liked how the dialog was kinda innuendo-esque...if that makes sense. Ok, it doesn't, but oh well. I liked it. Kudos.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Alright you know the routine, here's my horribly awful review. If you have a weak continence and are prone to suicidal thoughts please do not read on!!!! You've been warned!
Pg 1
- Like the title
- Where's my fade in, uggelguggel fee fi fo fum.
- Scene headings should look like thus 'INT. TAXI - DAY'
- Is 'blond' important? if not drop it.
- Try not to leave orphans. This is a good life lesson as well as good screenplay formating. Those one word action line look uncool. You're a writer rewrite it to lose those. If you can't it ain't the end of the world.
- Scene headings should be relatively generic 'EXT. MORTIMER RANCH - GATE - DAY or just EXT. MORTIMER RANCH - DAY'
- Lose the CONTINUEDS, they are out of date like bell bottoms. I apologize for my attempt at humor.
Pg 2
- Write in active style. So 'Jane is walking' becomes 'Jane walks'.
- I might break the 'manor' action block up. The first sign that you are either being long winded or have incorrectly squished an action block together is when yourt action block goes over 3-4 lines.
Pg 3
- With out that DAY - NIGHT hint in the scene heading it's hard to visualize the lighting.
Pg 7
- I'm guessing she's a ghost, but the dialog of the other folks seems out of place if that's the case. Mainly because they talk occasionally as if she's person right there and not an entity.
Pg 9
- Ok, my guess was wrong.
- For a split second I thought she had multiple-personalities.
Hah, what a twist! What time period was this supposed to be set in. I originally thought it was a ghost, because Jane's dialog was turn of the century, but the crooks sounded modern. Like the twist, but not sure why they just didn't brain her as soon as she walked in. Good Job!
Pg 1
- Like the title
- Where's my fade in, uggelguggel fee fi fo fum.
- Scene headings should look like thus 'INT. TAXI - DAY'
- Is 'blond' important? if not drop it.
- Try not to leave orphans. This is a good life lesson as well as good screenplay formating. Those one word action line look uncool. You're a writer rewrite it to lose those. If you can't it ain't the end of the world.
- Scene headings should be relatively generic 'EXT. MORTIMER RANCH - GATE - DAY or just EXT. MORTIMER RANCH - DAY'
- Lose the CONTINUEDS, they are out of date like bell bottoms. I apologize for my attempt at humor.
Pg 2
- Write in active style. So 'Jane is walking' becomes 'Jane walks'.
- I might break the 'manor' action block up. The first sign that you are either being long winded or have incorrectly squished an action block together is when yourt action block goes over 3-4 lines.
Pg 3
- With out that DAY - NIGHT hint in the scene heading it's hard to visualize the lighting.
Pg 7
- I'm guessing she's a ghost, but the dialog of the other folks seems out of place if that's the case. Mainly because they talk occasionally as if she's person right there and not an entity.
Pg 9
- Ok, my guess was wrong.
- For a split second I thought she had multiple-personalities.
Hah, what a twist! What time period was this supposed to be set in. I originally thought it was a ghost, because Jane's dialog was turn of the century, but the crooks sounded modern. Like the twist, but not sure why they just didn't brain her as soon as she walked in. Good Job!
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Very Hitchcockie!