Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
LOGLINE: Noose around neck, a hooded someone balances atop a block of melting ice as peculiar events unfold.
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The Melt
- Thread starter Anthony Todaro
- Start date
LOGLINE: Noose around neck, a hooded someone balances atop a block of melting ice as peculiar events unfold.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Nice, I love the old riddle.
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
Uploaded and I'm kinda loaded too. =)
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Ok, I've read this enough, you got my feedback. Awesome atmospheric piece!
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Hi Ant. just read your script.
*Spoilers*
As a story it works well, it's shrouded in mystery and builds up to a satifying conclusion.
You created good characters, especially Harry and his shoe store cover.
The majority of the action is well written.
I did get lost in some of said action though. It was so quick that it felt it had words missing that would have helped the story along.
I don't think you needed the small supernatural element of Harry having a flash of black eyes... He works without it, as a money lending bastard!
Overall, a very good script, just needs a little more work and it would be excellent.
*Spoilers*
As a story it works well, it's shrouded in mystery and builds up to a satifying conclusion.
You created good characters, especially Harry and his shoe store cover.
The majority of the action is well written.
I did get lost in some of said action though. It was so quick that it felt it had words missing that would have helped the story along.
I don't think you needed the small supernatural element of Harry having a flash of black eyes... He works without it, as a money lending bastard!
Overall, a very good script, just needs a little more work and it would be excellent.
MML
Active member
Awesome opening. Intense, unique and great visuals.
"I need a new sole" - very nice.
"reading between the lines" - nice again ... A+ on subtext so far Anthony.
A+ on some really great transitions too.
I really liked this. The dialog was excellent. Characters were very interesting and the visuals were strong. Two thumbs up, my friend. GREAT job!!!
"I need a new sole" - very nice.
"reading between the lines" - nice again ... A+ on subtext so far Anthony.
A+ on some really great transitions too.
I really liked this. The dialog was excellent. Characters were very interesting and the visuals were strong. Two thumbs up, my friend. GREAT job!!!
KhamIsk
Well-known member
This is really well written. All the visuals are great.
I had to read it twice to follow it all - glad I did, greatly enjoyed the transitions, the descriptions...
One thing - maybe you could show Harry counting money (or something in that sense) - I got it, but it wasn't easy, I really had to read between the lines
Every line seems thought through, what a thrilling, exciting read!
Here "They're definitely not, but we, we are good." - I'm a big fan of a crude humor like this. Witty dialog throughout!
I had to read it twice to follow it all - glad I did, greatly enjoyed the transitions, the descriptions...
One thing - maybe you could show Harry counting money (or something in that sense) - I got it, but it wasn't easy, I really had to read between the lines
Every line seems thought through, what a thrilling, exciting read!
Here "They're definitely not, but we, we are good." - I'm a big fan of a crude humor like this. Witty dialog throughout!
mary.susanna
Member
oooh...I don't know why but I'm so creeped out by the shoes. I'm tossing my red stilettos now! Great visual.
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
Wow! Thanks to you all!
alex whitmer
Veteran
Well now that was interesting.
Lot of flashing back and forth that required a slow - but not tedious - read. The good part is that it was all very visual. Love the blocks of ice thunking down the chute. Pretty funny actually - going to a vending machine to get ice so you can inflict a slow death on someone. Love it!
Threw me with Harry and Henry. These names are way too close.
Page 6/7 The Mutt and Jeff exchange seems out of character with the rest of the script and beautifully measured dialogue.
This is great ...
Henry examines it with an elevator gaze.
A little lost on how the shoes got from the dead to Harry, since in the opening it seems Felix delivered his own shoes? I know I missed something really important here. Darn it.
One of the few scripts I've read that can get away with flowery writing - it absolutely sets the tone for the story. It's really great when the action text and the dialogue are written in the same 'language'. Nice.
As a working document ...
This would need some serious attention to detail on set design. Harry's shop, as it bookends the story, would be crucial to do it as written. Any skimping would rob the film of its full potential.
A busy horse track can be tough, as well as a metro train and a restaurant - all locations that can be difficult to nail down - but worth every headache if you can pull it off on a short film's shoestring budget.
No doubt this would be stunning on film.
I believe your MacGuffin was the photo of the girl on the horse.
alex
Lot of flashing back and forth that required a slow - but not tedious - read. The good part is that it was all very visual. Love the blocks of ice thunking down the chute. Pretty funny actually - going to a vending machine to get ice so you can inflict a slow death on someone. Love it!
Threw me with Harry and Henry. These names are way too close.
Page 6/7 The Mutt and Jeff exchange seems out of character with the rest of the script and beautifully measured dialogue.
This is great ...
Henry examines it with an elevator gaze.
A little lost on how the shoes got from the dead to Harry, since in the opening it seems Felix delivered his own shoes? I know I missed something really important here. Darn it.
One of the few scripts I've read that can get away with flowery writing - it absolutely sets the tone for the story. It's really great when the action text and the dialogue are written in the same 'language'. Nice.
As a working document ...
This would need some serious attention to detail on set design. Harry's shop, as it bookends the story, would be crucial to do it as written. Any skimping would rob the film of its full potential.
A busy horse track can be tough, as well as a metro train and a restaurant - all locations that can be difficult to nail down - but worth every headache if you can pull it off on a short film's shoestring budget.
No doubt this would be stunning on film.
I believe your MacGuffin was the photo of the girl on the horse.
alex
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Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
@ jamiejay >> Nope never read it. Mirror Mask was really good. I love me some Clive Barker too. "I have many leather-bound books." Ron Burgundy
@alex >> Thanks! Wingtips were the McMuffin. I chose not to ditch it ala The 39 Steps. The stuff I always see in my head, besides the dirty pictures, is vast. The one room drama is cool but I am focusing on the story these days not the budget. Attainable, challenging to shoot with high effect is my goal. Hoping to attract that upper echelon director. Don't forget the talent! =) This would take great chracter actors to make it sing. But if all stars aligned it could be really cool. I guess the photo, is like the mini McMuffin now that I think about it... lol, good call.
Thanks for the thorough read!
@alex >> Thanks! Wingtips were the McMuffin. I chose not to ditch it ala The 39 Steps. The stuff I always see in my head, besides the dirty pictures, is vast. The one room drama is cool but I am focusing on the story these days not the budget. Attainable, challenging to shoot with high effect is my goal. Hoping to attract that upper echelon director. Don't forget the talent! =) This would take great chracter actors to make it sing. But if all stars aligned it could be really cool. I guess the photo, is like the mini McMuffin now that I think about it... lol, good call.
Thanks for the thorough read!
preston
Well-known member
cool poster..
(notes as i read)
wow, great start. 3 lines in and i'm intrigued.
so FELIX is the man with the suit and wingtips. does this mean he's no longer hanging, or possibly this scene is in the past? i'll keep reading to find out.
well we're back to the WAREHOUSE, shoes still on ice. so this is nonlinear, i'm guessing.
yeah this is all over the place, time-line wise. i'm getting the hang of it, i think.
lots and lots of shoes in here, huh?
ok, i think i got it by the end, but it was pretty confusing (to me).
some grammatical errors throughout that need fixing..
ok, i think you have a decent story here, just make sure your script is clear enough so that the reader isn't totally lost. i'm sure if i read it again, it would be easier to follow..
(notes as i read)
wow, great start. 3 lines in and i'm intrigued.
so FELIX is the man with the suit and wingtips. does this mean he's no longer hanging, or possibly this scene is in the past? i'll keep reading to find out.
well we're back to the WAREHOUSE, shoes still on ice. so this is nonlinear, i'm guessing.
yeah this is all over the place, time-line wise. i'm getting the hang of it, i think.
lots and lots of shoes in here, huh?
ok, i think i got it by the end, but it was pretty confusing (to me).
some grammatical errors throughout that need fixing..
ok, i think you have a decent story here, just make sure your script is clear enough so that the reader isn't totally lost. i'm sure if i read it again, it would be easier to follow..
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
@ preston >Thanks for the read and the review. I would be super appreciative if you pointed out the grammar stuff you saw, I thought I had it pretty well cleaned up... :bath:
Confusion was part of the story as was a hint of mystery. So having questions at the end and throughout was my intention.
What's pretty cool is people have said stuff like, I'm not sure but I think... And then they/you have, for the most part, been correct with assumptions. Mission Accomplished! Feels good to get it right at least kinda!!
Confusion was part of the story as was a hint of mystery. So having questions at the end and throughout was my intention.
What's pretty cool is people have said stuff like, I'm not sure but I think... And then they/you have, for the most part, been correct with assumptions. Mission Accomplished! Feels good to get it right at least kinda!!
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Bridget D.
Member
Really enjoyed this script. It was a bit confusing in places, but I think if I were watching this instead of reading it, it would probably be fine. As you mentioned above, the confusion adds to the mystery and I like mystery. You had some great visuals and dialogue - good job.
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
Thanks for the read. Glad you like it. Writing mystery is tough... too much and it's cliche', too little and it's Lynch. I choose Lynch when in doubt. =)
preston
Well-known member
mostly just missing commas, usually in action blocks, that make it tough to read smoothly the first time. i'm probably just being nit-picky..