The Legend of Immortal Joe
- Thread starter Mark C
- Start date
Ezekiel667
Well-known member
Hmm? A little supernatural. Nice. Looking forward to it.
Thank you Ezekiel! Your right on, it's Super supernatural.
Sarah Daly
Well-known member
I'm intrigued...sounds like an interesting little genre-twisting moral tale...Nice!
Russell Moore
Well-known member
I like to see genres blended. Looking forward to seeing how it plays out.
lawriejaffa
Veteran
Right well most of this script is plain outrageous (perhaps a little immature in parts - not always in a bad way though!) Obviously the script is not meant to be taken as a serious Western - and in actual fact it kinda reads and would look best imo as a film - if it were adapted with a 'Tales of the Crypt' style perspective.
I don't know if your familiar with old copies of the 60's 70's etc Horror comics - that were grotesque and zany etc and this one fits the mould almost perfectly.
In that sense (and its twist) it works quite well - as anything but that it obviously doesnt (ie. its not the Unforgiven hehe) - so a wacky entry that is genuinely amusing.
I don't know if your familiar with old copies of the 60's 70's etc Horror comics - that were grotesque and zany etc and this one fits the mould almost perfectly.
In that sense (and its twist) it works quite well - as anything but that it obviously doesnt (ie. its not the Unforgiven hehe) - so a wacky entry that is genuinely amusing.
Thank you for the read lawriejaffa! Great notes.
Yup, I'm a fan of Tales of the Crypt and that style of horror comics. I was also a fan of a show called Amazing Stories which aired in the 80's. Just quick Twilight Zone type story's that were wacky, fun and left you feeling a little creeped out.
Yup, I'm a fan of Tales of the Crypt and that style of horror comics. I was also a fan of a show called Amazing Stories which aired in the 80's. Just quick Twilight Zone type story's that were wacky, fun and left you feeling a little creeped out.
Russell Moore
Well-known member
You have written a quirky tale. I agree with the Tales of the Crypt feel it has.
I'm assuming that this is the american west, in which case there wouldn't be any Cobra's, but in a tale of fantasy such as this, that may or may not be important.
The part where the crowd is staring at him and then Joe says this is wierd and then the boys point at him, woman gasps. This felt redundant and could be tightened up a bit.
I like seeing the bad guy get his just deserts after betraying Selma.
Thanks for sharing your script!
I'm assuming that this is the american west, in which case there wouldn't be any Cobra's, but in a tale of fantasy such as this, that may or may not be important.
The part where the crowd is staring at him and then Joe says this is wierd and then the boys point at him, woman gasps. This felt redundant and could be tightened up a bit.
I like seeing the bad guy get his just deserts after betraying Selma.
Thanks for sharing your script!
TimCollins
Well-known member
This was a fun read in a quirky, comical way - which was a nice change of pace amidst some of these serious & emotional scripts.
I liked how the sheriff was a total ass and both Selma and Joe called him out on it numerous times. Also, the name Selma Beavers cracked me up when I first saw it.
Sorry for the nit-picking but I noticed you spelled riding "ridding" a couple of times. That kind of took me out of the story for a moment.
I liked that Joe was totally not into Selma and just used her for the necklace and in the end, was forced to be married to her forever. And when the sheriff said:
"Looks like you might just get to be married to her after all! Personally, I think that fate is worse than death itself, anyway."
That line was great and really summed it all up for me just how terrible this woman is.
Just one thing - I didn't like how the d*ckhead sheriff got the last laugh. I would've liked it better if something had happened to where both Joe and the sheriff were miserable.
But overall, the story was fun. Good job!
I liked how the sheriff was a total ass and both Selma and Joe called him out on it numerous times. Also, the name Selma Beavers cracked me up when I first saw it.
Sorry for the nit-picking but I noticed you spelled riding "ridding" a couple of times. That kind of took me out of the story for a moment.
I liked that Joe was totally not into Selma and just used her for the necklace and in the end, was forced to be married to her forever. And when the sheriff said:
"Looks like you might just get to be married to her after all! Personally, I think that fate is worse than death itself, anyway."
That line was great and really summed it all up for me just how terrible this woman is.
Just one thing - I didn't like how the d*ckhead sheriff got the last laugh. I would've liked it better if something had happened to where both Joe and the sheriff were miserable.
But overall, the story was fun. Good job!
Thank you for the review colanforever!
Good catch on the Cobra. Your right, it's not from the area. If you think this story is quirky as it is now, it would blow your mind if I told you what's really going on with that snake. (It's part of a bigger version of the story but I thought it was harmless enough to leave in here. )
Thank you for the read and feedback TimCollins!
Yes, I do need to learn how to spell the riding word when using it as much as I have here. Also your right about the sheriff. No way that guy should be allowed to have the last laugh but I guess this particular lesson was Joe's to learn.
seansshack
Well-known member
Include time of day on all your slugs: INT. JAIL HOUSE
Again too much description on the opening here - maybe down to trying to fit everything into ten pages. But opening sticks out and thus reminds you that you are reading a script - never a good thing. You want the reader to be concerned with the story only and never notice the formatting.
Character intros also need work:
This is Sheriff Leopold Kaughman.
Sheriff Leo walks in the front door followed by a thin woman
with a pale bony face and oversized nose.
Should be
SHERIFF LEOPOLD KAUGHMAN, age, walks through the front door. He is followed by a THIN WOMAN, age, with a pale face and .....
Also I was advised to give every on screen character a name (if you give them a name, then it gives the impression the writer cares about the character and the reader/viewer can identify better).
I would also dump the we see parts and just describe. Easy to use. But think of better ways of telling your story.
example
As Sheriff Leo moves out of the way, we see Selma step
forward.
Sheriff Leo steps out of the way, as Selma steps forward.
Also some of the structure/formatting jumps around.
example at end
LEO
Dearly beloved we are gathered here today....
Close up on Joe's face as we CUT TO BLACK- END
should be
LEO
Dearly beloved we are gathered here today....
CLOSE on Joe's face.
FADE TO BLACK
Overall the story was an amusing and fun read. Bit different and quirky which is good in my book.
Tidy it up and it will be much better.
Again too much description on the opening here - maybe down to trying to fit everything into ten pages. But opening sticks out and thus reminds you that you are reading a script - never a good thing. You want the reader to be concerned with the story only and never notice the formatting.
Character intros also need work:
This is Sheriff Leopold Kaughman.
Sheriff Leo walks in the front door followed by a thin woman
with a pale bony face and oversized nose.
Should be
SHERIFF LEOPOLD KAUGHMAN, age, walks through the front door. He is followed by a THIN WOMAN, age, with a pale face and .....
Also I was advised to give every on screen character a name (if you give them a name, then it gives the impression the writer cares about the character and the reader/viewer can identify better).
I would also dump the we see parts and just describe. Easy to use. But think of better ways of telling your story.
example
As Sheriff Leo moves out of the way, we see Selma step
forward.
Sheriff Leo steps out of the way, as Selma steps forward.
Also some of the structure/formatting jumps around.
example at end
LEO
Dearly beloved we are gathered here today....
Close up on Joe's face as we CUT TO BLACK- END
should be
LEO
Dearly beloved we are gathered here today....
CLOSE on Joe's face.
FADE TO BLACK
Overall the story was an amusing and fun read. Bit different and quirky which is good in my book.
Tidy it up and it will be much better.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Hi Mark C, I just read your script and enjoyed it as a comedy tale.
Obviously, some of the spelling and English could be improved. Also, you introduce Joe in captals, but not the Sheriff or Selma? But as a comedy you get away with these minor things. A few things spring to mind though:
1. Selma Beavers (great name), as pointed as she is, doesn't come across as terrible, not a terrible as you would expect for the ending to work. She should be god damn pig ugly and be slightly insane to make it seem like an eternity of hell.
2. Why didn't the Sheriff just remove the neckalace from Joe, while he was unconscious, and shoot him? Thus ridding himself of Joe for good?
Overall though, it was a good comedy, which I agree fits 'Tales From the Crypt,' and would make quite a funny short. Good work.
Obviously, some of the spelling and English could be improved. Also, you introduce Joe in captals, but not the Sheriff or Selma? But as a comedy you get away with these minor things. A few things spring to mind though:
1. Selma Beavers (great name), as pointed as she is, doesn't come across as terrible, not a terrible as you would expect for the ending to work. She should be god damn pig ugly and be slightly insane to make it seem like an eternity of hell.
2. Why didn't the Sheriff just remove the neckalace from Joe, while he was unconscious, and shoot him? Thus ridding himself of Joe for good?
Overall though, it was a good comedy, which I agree fits 'Tales From the Crypt,' and would make quite a funny short. Good work.
Thank you so much for the notes seansshack! I'll be making those corrections and I agree it will make the whole thing flow better. Awesome!
Thank you for your feedback as well DarkElastic, great thoughts on Selma and the Sheriff. There is defiantly room to make her a more unappealing character to drive the point home. I think the only reason the Sheriff didn't kill Joe there was because he sort of wanted to see him suffer by marrying Selma. He's sort of a jerk that way.
Thank you for your feedback as well DarkElastic, great thoughts on Selma and the Sheriff. There is defiantly room to make her a more unappealing character to drive the point home. I think the only reason the Sheriff didn't kill Joe there was because he sort of wanted to see him suffer by marrying Selma. He's sort of a jerk that way.
Sarah Daly
Well-known member
A good concept here, and a fun read, but as others have said, a little simple housework would improve this greatly. That's the easy part though - your story is imaginative and it works - and that's what's important.
BUt yes, spelling bla bla bla..it shouldn't matter bit it is distracting and you don't want to lose your reader for a second.
Lots of potential here Mark, just needs tightening up, especially the opening. Plenty of great suggestions to work from above!
Best of luck and thanks for a different read!
BUt yes, spelling bla bla bla..it shouldn't matter bit it is distracting and you don't want to lose your reader for a second.
Lots of potential here Mark, just needs tightening up, especially the opening. Plenty of great suggestions to work from above!
Best of luck and thanks for a different read!
MrKilloran
Well-known member
There are a problems here... break up action shots, structure, etc its stuff you've been told but Please. Please, get rid of the "we see" type of writing. It is unnecessary. We're reading it, we know its there because you've described it. It just really takes me out of the story.
It is an interesting "tales from the crypt" influenced story and it works. I liked the complete and utter distaste Joe had for Selma, you played it off well and the Sheriff is such an asshole. Very playful, I liked it, just work on the technical side of things.
It is an interesting "tales from the crypt" influenced story and it works. I liked the complete and utter distaste Joe had for Selma, you played it off well and the Sheriff is such an asshole. Very playful, I liked it, just work on the technical side of things.
This is indeed so reminiscent of the 'Twilight Zone' stuff... excellent, v. g. story. I wrote 1st read through - 'fine little ole tale - rounded off nicely.
But, but... you would benefit from tightening up your sentence construction and inserting commas where they serve to clarify your intended meaning.
But hey... 'twas a good read!
But, but... you would benefit from tightening up your sentence construction and inserting commas where they serve to clarify your intended meaning.
But hey... 'twas a good read!
Tim Joy
Veteran
This was a decent story, but I'm not quite sure I see the point, or really understand the ending.
It was a bit difficult to read because there's a lot of detail in there that IMO distracts the focus of the story. For example- "...swinging noose, ...indigo sky". Not really important to the story and maybe better left to the imagination of the reader. It's great that you have such a visual sense of the movie, but it did trip me up a bit.
The necklace is a little hard to buy without some more setup. Maybe it could work in a longer format, but I think a pretty hard sell in a short.
For this story, I think your plot worked well and I followed the action fine, so good job with that.
It was a bit difficult to read because there's a lot of detail in there that IMO distracts the focus of the story. For example- "...swinging noose, ...indigo sky". Not really important to the story and maybe better left to the imagination of the reader. It's great that you have such a visual sense of the movie, but it did trip me up a bit.
The necklace is a little hard to buy without some more setup. Maybe it could work in a longer format, but I think a pretty hard sell in a short.
For this story, I think your plot worked well and I followed the action fine, so good job with that.