The Hand That Feeds
- Thread starter 4100xpb
- Start date
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
Cool log, poster and title. Can't wait to read it. Sounds and looks good!
RodThompson
Veteran
Hmmm...
I think my issue with this one is pacing. It's too quick. I don't think a single scene is more than a few seconds long, which does not allow for a lot fo character building. I never truly felt invested in Sheriff Tilston because I never got to know him. Plus, the passage of time in the literal sense was a stretch for the events that took place. I was reminded of Hill Valley before and after Biff Tannen took it over in Back to the Future II...except your city changed from ghetto to beautiful and then back to ghetto in a matter of months. So the believability factor fell through for me there. I think it also leans a lot towards the Dwayne Johnson version of "Walking Tall," only the city council was more to blame in your story, vice the drug dealers in his.
On the whole, the concept could easily be built upon, but I don't think short-form is the right niche for the story.
I think my issue with this one is pacing. It's too quick. I don't think a single scene is more than a few seconds long, which does not allow for a lot fo character building. I never truly felt invested in Sheriff Tilston because I never got to know him. Plus, the passage of time in the literal sense was a stretch for the events that took place. I was reminded of Hill Valley before and after Biff Tannen took it over in Back to the Future II...except your city changed from ghetto to beautiful and then back to ghetto in a matter of months. So the believability factor fell through for me there. I think it also leans a lot towards the Dwayne Johnson version of "Walking Tall," only the city council was more to blame in your story, vice the drug dealers in his.
On the whole, the concept could easily be built upon, but I don't think short-form is the right niche for the story.
taylormade
Well-known member
I have to agree with Rod. The characters are a bit cardboard. You have to ask yourself, why would Tilston bring his daughter to live in such a shithole in the first place? And you never get the feeling that Tilston is doing anything much since we hear about it, but never see his enforcement methods or much of the result. If the townsfolk really want a peaceful, crimefree town, why vote to turn it into a cesspool? Seems like the money angle is too pat, or the town is B-polar.
It is tough to compress a story this size into a short script, and maybe you bit off more than you could handle.
It is tough to compress a story this size into a short script, and maybe you bit off more than you could handle.
KhamIsk
Well-known member
I think you could cut on the descriptions maybe... But it was easy to visualize and I liked the world you created. The only thing - the sheriff says he cleaned up the city four months ago - I haven't seen it though, my assumption is you went from him being elected the sheriff to him loosing the city to bad guys. Maybe I missed something?
The ending read a bit comedic for some reason and I actually like that. It's a feel good story, the story that ends well, a bit unbelievable in the end (he put "jail" sign and it's going to stay at that) but I think we seldom believe what we read but gladly believe it when we watch it (at least me).
The ending read a bit comedic for some reason and I actually like that. It's a feel good story, the story that ends well, a bit unbelievable in the end (he put "jail" sign and it's going to stay at that) but I think we seldom believe what we read but gladly believe it when we watch it (at least me).
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Notes:
- Another one with heavy handed descriptions. Fly fast and light. Trim and compress.
- Some of your spacing in dialog looks weird.
This was a strange piece. I feel as if you wanted to do a much longer epic. I say this because everything moves so fast I didn't get the feeling of a clean up and then eventual degradation. I did like the somewhat humorous ending. Good job.
- Another one with heavy handed descriptions. Fly fast and light. Trim and compress.
- Some of your spacing in dialog looks weird.
This was a strange piece. I feel as if you wanted to do a much longer epic. I say this because everything moves so fast I didn't get the feeling of a clean up and then eventual degradation. I did like the somewhat humorous ending. Good job.
A solid effort that was simply too ambitious. Wow you tried to fit so much in and thats where it let you down a little.
I loved that you tried the "people dont really know the difference between want and need - and the corruption of money". I really thought this could go somewhere had you had much more time to build the characters and story. Well done.
I loved that you tried the "people dont really know the difference between want and need - and the corruption of money". I really thought this could go somewhere had you had much more time to build the characters and story. Well done.