DarrenJSeeley
Active member
THE FIND
On an uncharted planet, a communication breakdown between an alien civilization and a team of astronauts goes horribly wrong.
Will contain R type material.
The Find
- Thread starter DarrenJSeeley
- Start date
THE FIND
On an uncharted planet, a communication breakdown between an alien civilization and a team of astronauts goes horribly wrong.
Will contain R type material.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
You are the first!!!
DarrenJSeeley
Active member
After giving it some thought, I might have to put Find "out" of the comp. Although I did manage to make some drastic cuts and sacrifice white space, I also felt that the 11 page draft was far superior to the 8 page cramping. I already gotten feedback on the 11 page draft from another peer site... It's also the version I'm more satisfied with...and there's not much point in submitting the 8 page version and having folks here comment on the cramped space, and maybe a few other bits that the few extra pages covered.
**************
I have decided to submit the 8 page edit after all....but only for the purposes of the challenge.
What I edited out is some F bombs and other language (always expendable) a few bits of dialog, an extended battle scene and white space. The full version (11pgs) can be viewed in other places I frequent. While I still prefer the 11pg script, the essence of the piece is still retained.
Please note that to help readers here I bolded the headers. I'm not a huge fan of bolding, but it seems it's a popular thing nowadays.
**************
I have decided to submit the 8 page edit after all....but only for the purposes of the challenge.
What I edited out is some F bombs and other language (always expendable) a few bits of dialog, an extended battle scene and white space. The full version (11pgs) can be viewed in other places I frequent. While I still prefer the 11pg script, the essence of the piece is still retained.
Please note that to help readers here I bolded the headers. I'm not a huge fan of bolding, but it seems it's a popular thing nowadays.
Last edited:
Egg Born Son
Veteran
Congrats on getting it in. By some miracle my first draft came in at exactly 8 pages so I fear I didn't rework it as much I should have for that very reason! Promise I'll mentally reinsert the f-bombs (and maybe some gratuitous nudity) when I read yours. :beer:
Craighoit
Active member
I really look forward to reading both versions. One of the things I really like is seeing and learning from the creative choices that people make. Reading both will allow me/us to see what you left in and what you left out. Watched a movie (Journey 2) last night with my daughter. When it was done, we watched the deleted sceens. As you'd expect, most of them were expository in nature, helping define some character realationships, and not as critical to the cental dramatic line of the action. This was a really great "teachable moment" as they like to say, because it allowed us to talk about stories and structure a bit. What I found interesting was that she fekt many of the scenes should have been left in.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Review Follows:
I like how a lot of these scripts have the title alluding to something mysterious.
- The opening is description heavy. I'd cut and compress or liven it up some. An example would be their space suits. We all have a good idea what a space suit looks like so maybe the description of the hose running to a tank isn't needed.
- I see you are heavy on the physical description. This better turn into a porno.
- They seems not that thrilled or anything for meeting these aliens for the first time.
- I would question their intelligence. I mean in the future don't they have chemicals that are harmless separate, but once combined...BOOM?
- Were you horny when you wrote this?
I like that this has potential. Like what was their war about. How do they seem both primitive, but have advanced (dust) technology. My guess is that they are primitive and other alien's have manipulated their society and humans were mistaken for them. The human technology was cool. I like the idea that first contact was really more important to the aliens. There must be more set up though, because it seemed rushed.
I like how a lot of these scripts have the title alluding to something mysterious.
- The opening is description heavy. I'd cut and compress or liven it up some. An example would be their space suits. We all have a good idea what a space suit looks like so maybe the description of the hose running to a tank isn't needed.
- I see you are heavy on the physical description. This better turn into a porno.
- They seems not that thrilled or anything for meeting these aliens for the first time.
- I would question their intelligence. I mean in the future don't they have chemicals that are harmless separate, but once combined...BOOM?
- Were you horny when you wrote this?
I like that this has potential. Like what was their war about. How do they seem both primitive, but have advanced (dust) technology. My guess is that they are primitive and other alien's have manipulated their society and humans were mistaken for them. The human technology was cool. I like the idea that first contact was really more important to the aliens. There must be more set up though, because it seemed rushed.
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
You spend a half page on the mating signal thing, and that really has nothing to do with the rest of the story. I only point this out because in your thread you were concerned about not having the space to tell your story. It's interesting, and perhaps connects to something later in your mind, but is inconsequential to the events of this version of the script.
I kind of feel the same way about Parker's return. It's cool tech, and could be a neat component to a larger story, but how does that really change the conflict of the aliens or the humans being The Find?
Aside from those two points I agree with Chris that the characters blindly trusting the canisters and opening them without precautions was a little hard to swallow. I just can't imagine real people doing that if they were in the same situation.
My favorite part of the script were the troll-like creatures. They had motivation. They acted according to their rules. That made them the strongest part of the script, I think.
For my own tastes I would have enjoyed learning more about the conflict of these two races, but I know, 8 pages is hard.
Thanks for the entertaining read and for entering the fest!
I kind of feel the same way about Parker's return. It's cool tech, and could be a neat component to a larger story, but how does that really change the conflict of the aliens or the humans being The Find?
Aside from those two points I agree with Chris that the characters blindly trusting the canisters and opening them without precautions was a little hard to swallow. I just can't imagine real people doing that if they were in the same situation.
My favorite part of the script were the troll-like creatures. They had motivation. They acted according to their rules. That made them the strongest part of the script, I think.
For my own tastes I would have enjoyed learning more about the conflict of these two races, but I know, 8 pages is hard.
Thanks for the entertaining read and for entering the fest!
STYLZ
Well-known member
OK I didn't read any of the other reviews yet. I can tell this is a much larger story. Seems like it needs more room to breathe. The descriptions seemed a little too abbreviated. That being said, you have a knack for creating a scifi world, that is for sure. You have an excellent scifi imagination as well I can tell. The story definitely had a beginning, middle and end..and I like the end in that the people get recreated as their deaths seem to come fast and furious. Thanks for sharing.
dtroop506
Active member
Darren,
I read your disclaimer and and I agree the 8 page limit hurt some of the creativity this time around. Not just yours.
It's like trying to cram Star Wars into a ten minute short.
I thought the Sand Art method of communication was interesting. Although I would have preferred it if Caroline had injested some Silly Putty -like substance.
I enjoyed the sly reference of the Emerald jumpsuits with the glowing stripes. This was clearly an homage to Elvis Presley during the 1970's Vegas years. Well done.
The little creatures (the hubba-bubbas or whatever) were good.
Then it really got good with the horny aliens ripping off everyone's clothes. That's just good solid writing.
I didn't like when the troll bit off that guy's head. But I was happy when you reanimated him in the vat of KY jelly.
Overall, I may have not fully understood everything you were trying to do, but I did find The Find pretty entertaining.
And, I will look for your director's cut of the script elsewhere on the web.
I read your disclaimer and and I agree the 8 page limit hurt some of the creativity this time around. Not just yours.
It's like trying to cram Star Wars into a ten minute short.
I thought the Sand Art method of communication was interesting. Although I would have preferred it if Caroline had injested some Silly Putty -like substance.
I enjoyed the sly reference of the Emerald jumpsuits with the glowing stripes. This was clearly an homage to Elvis Presley during the 1970's Vegas years. Well done.
The little creatures (the hubba-bubbas or whatever) were good.
Then it really got good with the horny aliens ripping off everyone's clothes. That's just good solid writing.
I didn't like when the troll bit off that guy's head. But I was happy when you reanimated him in the vat of KY jelly.
Overall, I may have not fully understood everything you were trying to do, but I did find The Find pretty entertaining.
And, I will look for your director's cut of the script elsewhere on the web.
Egg Born Son
Veteran
I echo most of the criticisms already mentioned. Unless this is intended to be a sexy comedy (and perhaps even then) you dwell far too much on the lithe, statuesque, athletic figures and tight outfits. You didn't grant Mitchell any of the same descriptive attention so it can only read as immature. Of course if you can get Charlize Theron to play the part I insist those clothes come off! You could have won back enough room for the better part of a scene if you'd made this description just once at the start.
They might treat the canisters with insufficient care but then again their technology said it was non-explosive and non-toxic so hey, why not. They don't seem that bright and in an age where you can regrow a human, why be cautious? On the other hand Parker suggests caution twice so there is a mixed message but then Parker is characterised as the nervous one (modelling this on a group of teens staying at the slasher's cabin in the woods). The other obvious route to get those canisters open is in the form of an accident or by self-opening. On screen it can be good if we get nervous before the characters. Who saw the first eggs open in alien and didn't immediately think 'get the hell out of there - no, don't check it out first'. The characters were only concerned, not even properly scared after the first face-hugger attached itself!
Your aliens are very imaginative. I really liked them and would have liked a little more on them, in particularly the dynamic between the two species. On the other hand, nothing wrong with leaving me wanting more. And production design can be used to fill in some of it. There's an opportunity for plenty of indirect exposition in the cave paintings/carvings. Production design could likewise be used to subtley expand on the human technology. I wonder if introducing the existence of the regeneration tech earlier might have worked better than as deus ex machina.
They might treat the canisters with insufficient care but then again their technology said it was non-explosive and non-toxic so hey, why not. They don't seem that bright and in an age where you can regrow a human, why be cautious? On the other hand Parker suggests caution twice so there is a mixed message but then Parker is characterised as the nervous one (modelling this on a group of teens staying at the slasher's cabin in the woods). The other obvious route to get those canisters open is in the form of an accident or by self-opening. On screen it can be good if we get nervous before the characters. Who saw the first eggs open in alien and didn't immediately think 'get the hell out of there - no, don't check it out first'. The characters were only concerned, not even properly scared after the first face-hugger attached itself!
Your aliens are very imaginative. I really liked them and would have liked a little more on them, in particularly the dynamic between the two species. On the other hand, nothing wrong with leaving me wanting more. And production design can be used to fill in some of it. There's an opportunity for plenty of indirect exposition in the cave paintings/carvings. Production design could likewise be used to subtley expand on the human technology. I wonder if introducing the existence of the regeneration tech earlier might have worked better than as deus ex machina.
I'd like to start off by thanking you for using bold slugs. I love them.
The aliens wobbling is very creepy.
I got through the whole thing and while I generally did feel as though I was following what happened. But I didn't understand this:
"Caroline’s gaze falls on Mitchell. Caroline shrieks. The cry
rattles the ship. Blood spurts out of her nose and ears.
Fingernails. Caroline grabs her hair, pulls it.
LAURA
He’s still alive! Is there a way
your people can help him?
Caroline calms down. Thinks.
CAROLINE
Can’t you?
LAURA
We are The Find, the messengers of
Om Lech. You are being tested. The
Baud Dim. Where can they be found?"
Laura is introducing herself as the find just after the aliens told the humans they were the find? I'm not understanding. And Mitch was hurt by the alien ritual and so now their goal is to save mitch?
And Parker and Laura's goal was to intercede for the smaller aliens against the troll aliens?
I also found the ending a bit abrupt. I'm not quite sure what was ever accomplished or not accomplished. I was also uncertain of the motivations and goals. If you could give me a rundown, I'd be most appreciative.
The aliens wobbling is very creepy.
I got through the whole thing and while I generally did feel as though I was following what happened. But I didn't understand this:
"Caroline’s gaze falls on Mitchell. Caroline shrieks. The cry
rattles the ship. Blood spurts out of her nose and ears.
Fingernails. Caroline grabs her hair, pulls it.
LAURA
He’s still alive! Is there a way
your people can help him?
Caroline calms down. Thinks.
CAROLINE
Can’t you?
LAURA
We are The Find, the messengers of
Om Lech. You are being tested. The
Baud Dim. Where can they be found?"
Laura is introducing herself as the find just after the aliens told the humans they were the find? I'm not understanding. And Mitch was hurt by the alien ritual and so now their goal is to save mitch?
And Parker and Laura's goal was to intercede for the smaller aliens against the troll aliens?
I also found the ending a bit abrupt. I'm not quite sure what was ever accomplished or not accomplished. I was also uncertain of the motivations and goals. If you could give me a rundown, I'd be most appreciative.
DarrenJSeeley
Active member
I generally hate bold headers. I only used them here because I had to kill white space but I also wanted to be sure scenes-locations didn't get too lost.
Laura said 'we are The Find' not as confirmation, but to ease the tensions and play along into the belief system. They thought the Baud Dim had the same belief system, and were going to help call a truce. They underestimated the trollish Baud Dim. That said, there is intentional ambiguity which others wondered about thus far. I'll talk about this more in the next week or so.
Laura said 'we are The Find' not as confirmation, but to ease the tensions and play along into the belief system. They thought the Baud Dim had the same belief system, and were going to help call a truce. They underestimated the trollish Baud Dim. That said, there is intentional ambiguity which others wondered about thus far. I'll talk about this more in the next week or so.
Russell Moore
Well-known member
Obviously this would be cast with only the finest looking actors...statuesque, hour glass shapes etc. Hell even her bra is tight! Ya gotta like that. 
You're writing is very descriptive, I like both the aliens that you created, very imaginative. The cherub's have a lemming vibe going for them. I also like the idea of the powders.
Some of the human characters motivations were unclear to me and they didn't feel developed as individuals. I like where the Baud dim just cuts the dude off and crunches his head, nice.
When Laura went to the gelatin drawer, I thought for sure all that clothes tearing was about to pay off. :thumbsup: But instead it was used to bring Parker back, I like the idea of this technology.
You're writing is very descriptive and creates some good visuals. Thanks.
You're writing is very descriptive, I like both the aliens that you created, very imaginative. The cherub's have a lemming vibe going for them. I also like the idea of the powders.
Some of the human characters motivations were unclear to me and they didn't feel developed as individuals. I like where the Baud dim just cuts the dude off and crunches his head, nice.
When Laura went to the gelatin drawer, I thought for sure all that clothes tearing was about to pay off. :thumbsup: But instead it was used to bring Parker back, I like the idea of this technology.
You're writing is very descriptive and creates some good visuals. Thanks.
alex whitmer
Veteran
Page one review, structure only. I need to read this again as I got a little lost here and there on story.
This ...
EXT. DESERT – NIGHT
The amber glow of the shuttlecraft’s rocket thrusters highlight the rugged landscape. The ship hovers.
First the grammar …
You open with two definite articles (the) introducing amber glow and rocket thrusters. Neither of these have been introduced before, so you need to use the indefinite articles a or an. If you film your own material, this isn’t such a big deal. If you’ve ever seen a Tarantino screenplay, you would know what I mean. But, best to be in good writing habits regardless.
Using ‘the’ in the second sentence is correct, since it has already been introduced – except this …
You refer to this flying machine as a shuttlecraft and a ship. Pick one and stick with it.
Are desert landscapes rugged? I would opt for barren.
This …
A quartered circle symbol etched on the side next to the word
HARMONIA. Two huge metal ski-like feet emerge. The ship spits
out steam as it lands on the surface.
That should be a quarter-circle symbol.
Etched? Is it etched or is it painted?
Ski-like feet could be described as runners.
Maybe instead of emerge, use lower. Aliens, or whatever is inside, would emerge from the doorway, runners or landing gear would lower.
Spits. Hmm. How about something like this …
A quarter-circle logo and the word HARMONIA identify the ship. Two runners lower as it lands with a gush of steam.
30 words down to 21.
You have already said we are in a desert, so including ‘surface’ really is superfluous. I left off ‘huge’ since we have not been told how big the ship is. Since it was first introduced as a shuttle I imagine it as fairly compact, but it is all relative – such as first Encounters of the Third Kind. In Independence day, however, the ships were enormous, until of course the mother ship came along and put it all into a new perspective. Try to give your reader an indicator of some kind.
This …
A landing platform from the Harmonia opens.
I see a platform as something you land ON. Maybe you mean a ramp? Not reading ahead, I am assuming this is how whatever is inside will exit the ship. As a reader, I should not be assuming. Interpreting, yes. Assuming, never.
And here is my assumption all cleared up …
MITCHELL, PARKER (mid 30s) and CAROLINE (late 20s) step out.
So, are there 3 of them? 2 of who are mid 30s? There are no sexes here, so I will assume Parker is male? But the description of statuesque is one I have only heard used for women. Since Parker may be a last name, it could be female. Caroline is a give away, Mitchell I’m on the fence about. Need better info here. If I were casting this, you would not be my favorite person.
This …
The glow from the astronauts suits discover all the details.
I would use ‘illuminate’ here. ‘Discover’ assumes the suits have some kind of cognitive intent, even if by accident.
So, they are astronauts? (by the way, you need the possessive apostrophe in astronauts). All we really got was emerald jumpsuits and breathing apparatus, which is not by default an astronaut.
Maybe say Astronauts Mitchell, Parker and Caroline … along with ages and sex.
This …
One illustration has a depiction of a line of people going up to a peak.
Illustration or symbol? Sounds more like an illustration. Then there is depiction. Mayb get it down to just one and say …
A depiction of a line of people climbing to a peak. Or, A line of people are depicted climbing to a peak.
This …
A bald, pale skinned cherub meets them. Fish eyes, on the
side of the head. Mouth in the center of the face. Tar
colored lips open, babble follows.
Grammar first …
Pale skinned is a compound adjective and needs to be hyphenated. Not sure I like the meeting (action) followed by more attributes.
Maybe try …
A pale-skinned cherub, fish eyes on the side of the head, a tar-colored mouth centered on its face, greets them. It speaks babble.
Okay, time out …
Many if not most writers never consider cadence when constructing their sentences. Read ‘Fish eyes, on the side of the head …’ to yourself a few times, remembering the comma acts as pause. Then read ‘fish eyes on the side of his head’ a few times, without the pause.
Be careful dropping commas in willy-nilly as they can disrupt the cadence when misused or overused. This is also true when deciding on a one-syllable word or one of its two or more syllable synonyms. Which one has the better cadence, and hence the better read? The human brain is wired for rhythms. We all know how grating it can be to hear someone sing off key or out of rhythm (or dance out of rhythm, like in the film ‘The Jerk’). The fact is, is that you can write off key or out of rhythm as well. Think musically when constructing your sentences, and even when building your scene-by-scene crescendos as well. It will resonate far better.
Think ba-bump, ba-bump, ba-bump, bang. This is why chanting can be so powerful, as it more or less will imitate the human heartbeat, and act as a drug or even bring about euphoria. Ever seen a Hare Krishna frowning? Work your cadence well, and your screenplay can be a happy pill.
If I impart nothing else, then file cadence away as essential to a successful screenplay. Contrary to what they teach, a script is NOT just about story.
This …
Another cherub-like alien wobbles forward with a bag. Dumps
the contents, Three tubes. Like its brother, it speaks in a
unknown language.
The first Cherub babbled, but this one speaks in an unknown language? And, how do we know they are brothers just by looking at them? As the writer, you must remember you are writing for a viewing audience that will never see the screenplay, so ‘like his brother’ offers zero clues beyond the script.
And, Aliens or cherubs? Or cherub-like aliens? Pick one and stick with it.
And lose the comma before Three tubes (and the cap). Maybe try '... dumps out three tubes'
This …
Mitchell steps up. The aliens back away, hide in the dark
corners of the cave. Mitchell examines the cylinders.
Mitchell examines what cylinders?
This …
MITCHELL
Got the x-rays on, Laura?
Who is Laura, and how is Mitchell communicating? Just talking into the wind? Is there a radio, or some other device? And what about Parker? No sign of him or her after the intro.
This …
LAURA (40s) long white blonde hair, six foot and an athletic
build, punches keypads and flips switches. Her Navy Blue
uniform hugs her hourglass shape.
Okay, four astronauts with super figures – statuesque and hourglass. Still no clear indication that two might be male.
White blonde is a compound adjective. Should be white-blond hair. Also, I’d use six foot ‘with’ an athletic build, not ‘and’. Again, this comes back to cadence. Sound them both out a few times and you will see that three words beginning with A all lined up makes for a clumsy read. Trade ‘and’ for ‘with’ and it all smoothes out.
Yes, this stuff matters.
This …
Holographic interfaces spit up on her mirrored visor.
What? The hologram puked on her visor?
Okay, that's page one. There are other issues, but this should suffice. I think your weakness is your vocabulary. You can put together a pretty visual scene, but I just don't think you have the vocabulary to really knock it out of the park.
Like this, for example ...
Before them is a series of caves next to a huge mountain of
quartz and coal.
'Next to' indicates side-by-side or close proximity, but the scale differences between a series of caves and a huge mountian make 'next to' just so off. Wouldn't these caves be 'at the foot of' a huge mountain?
Secondly, word and punctuation choices make this screenplay choppy in a few areas, and really trips up the read. Again, this is just minutia if you're filming it yourself. But, a confusuing read means more time explaining things to the entire set and cast, and that costs time and money. Reading this purely as a working document, it needs a good polish beyond just its purpose of story.
I'm onto to story next.
alex
This ...
EXT. DESERT – NIGHT
The amber glow of the shuttlecraft’s rocket thrusters highlight the rugged landscape. The ship hovers.
First the grammar …
You open with two definite articles (the) introducing amber glow and rocket thrusters. Neither of these have been introduced before, so you need to use the indefinite articles a or an. If you film your own material, this isn’t such a big deal. If you’ve ever seen a Tarantino screenplay, you would know what I mean. But, best to be in good writing habits regardless.
Using ‘the’ in the second sentence is correct, since it has already been introduced – except this …
You refer to this flying machine as a shuttlecraft and a ship. Pick one and stick with it.
Are desert landscapes rugged? I would opt for barren.
This …
A quartered circle symbol etched on the side next to the word
HARMONIA. Two huge metal ski-like feet emerge. The ship spits
out steam as it lands on the surface.
That should be a quarter-circle symbol.
Etched? Is it etched or is it painted?
Ski-like feet could be described as runners.
Maybe instead of emerge, use lower. Aliens, or whatever is inside, would emerge from the doorway, runners or landing gear would lower.
Spits. Hmm. How about something like this …
A quarter-circle logo and the word HARMONIA identify the ship. Two runners lower as it lands with a gush of steam.
30 words down to 21.
You have already said we are in a desert, so including ‘surface’ really is superfluous. I left off ‘huge’ since we have not been told how big the ship is. Since it was first introduced as a shuttle I imagine it as fairly compact, but it is all relative – such as first Encounters of the Third Kind. In Independence day, however, the ships were enormous, until of course the mother ship came along and put it all into a new perspective. Try to give your reader an indicator of some kind.
This …
A landing platform from the Harmonia opens.
I see a platform as something you land ON. Maybe you mean a ramp? Not reading ahead, I am assuming this is how whatever is inside will exit the ship. As a reader, I should not be assuming. Interpreting, yes. Assuming, never.
And here is my assumption all cleared up …
MITCHELL, PARKER (mid 30s) and CAROLINE (late 20s) step out.
So, are there 3 of them? 2 of who are mid 30s? There are no sexes here, so I will assume Parker is male? But the description of statuesque is one I have only heard used for women. Since Parker may be a last name, it could be female. Caroline is a give away, Mitchell I’m on the fence about. Need better info here. If I were casting this, you would not be my favorite person.
This …
The glow from the astronauts suits discover all the details.
I would use ‘illuminate’ here. ‘Discover’ assumes the suits have some kind of cognitive intent, even if by accident.
So, they are astronauts? (by the way, you need the possessive apostrophe in astronauts). All we really got was emerald jumpsuits and breathing apparatus, which is not by default an astronaut.
Maybe say Astronauts Mitchell, Parker and Caroline … along with ages and sex.
This …
One illustration has a depiction of a line of people going up to a peak.
Illustration or symbol? Sounds more like an illustration. Then there is depiction. Mayb get it down to just one and say …
A depiction of a line of people climbing to a peak. Or, A line of people are depicted climbing to a peak.
This …
A bald, pale skinned cherub meets them. Fish eyes, on the
side of the head. Mouth in the center of the face. Tar
colored lips open, babble follows.
Grammar first …
Pale skinned is a compound adjective and needs to be hyphenated. Not sure I like the meeting (action) followed by more attributes.
Maybe try …
A pale-skinned cherub, fish eyes on the side of the head, a tar-colored mouth centered on its face, greets them. It speaks babble.
Okay, time out …
Many if not most writers never consider cadence when constructing their sentences. Read ‘Fish eyes, on the side of the head …’ to yourself a few times, remembering the comma acts as pause. Then read ‘fish eyes on the side of his head’ a few times, without the pause.
Be careful dropping commas in willy-nilly as they can disrupt the cadence when misused or overused. This is also true when deciding on a one-syllable word or one of its two or more syllable synonyms. Which one has the better cadence, and hence the better read? The human brain is wired for rhythms. We all know how grating it can be to hear someone sing off key or out of rhythm (or dance out of rhythm, like in the film ‘The Jerk’). The fact is, is that you can write off key or out of rhythm as well. Think musically when constructing your sentences, and even when building your scene-by-scene crescendos as well. It will resonate far better.
Think ba-bump, ba-bump, ba-bump, bang. This is why chanting can be so powerful, as it more or less will imitate the human heartbeat, and act as a drug or even bring about euphoria. Ever seen a Hare Krishna frowning? Work your cadence well, and your screenplay can be a happy pill.
If I impart nothing else, then file cadence away as essential to a successful screenplay. Contrary to what they teach, a script is NOT just about story.
This …
Another cherub-like alien wobbles forward with a bag. Dumps
the contents, Three tubes. Like its brother, it speaks in a
unknown language.
The first Cherub babbled, but this one speaks in an unknown language? And, how do we know they are brothers just by looking at them? As the writer, you must remember you are writing for a viewing audience that will never see the screenplay, so ‘like his brother’ offers zero clues beyond the script.
And, Aliens or cherubs? Or cherub-like aliens? Pick one and stick with it.
And lose the comma before Three tubes (and the cap). Maybe try '... dumps out three tubes'
This …
Mitchell steps up. The aliens back away, hide in the dark
corners of the cave. Mitchell examines the cylinders.
Mitchell examines what cylinders?
This …
MITCHELL
Got the x-rays on, Laura?
Who is Laura, and how is Mitchell communicating? Just talking into the wind? Is there a radio, or some other device? And what about Parker? No sign of him or her after the intro.
This …
LAURA (40s) long white blonde hair, six foot and an athletic
build, punches keypads and flips switches. Her Navy Blue
uniform hugs her hourglass shape.
Okay, four astronauts with super figures – statuesque and hourglass. Still no clear indication that two might be male.
White blonde is a compound adjective. Should be white-blond hair. Also, I’d use six foot ‘with’ an athletic build, not ‘and’. Again, this comes back to cadence. Sound them both out a few times and you will see that three words beginning with A all lined up makes for a clumsy read. Trade ‘and’ for ‘with’ and it all smoothes out.
Yes, this stuff matters.
This …
Holographic interfaces spit up on her mirrored visor.
What? The hologram puked on her visor?
Okay, that's page one. There are other issues, but this should suffice. I think your weakness is your vocabulary. You can put together a pretty visual scene, but I just don't think you have the vocabulary to really knock it out of the park.
Like this, for example ...
Before them is a series of caves next to a huge mountain of
quartz and coal.
'Next to' indicates side-by-side or close proximity, but the scale differences between a series of caves and a huge mountian make 'next to' just so off. Wouldn't these caves be 'at the foot of' a huge mountain?
Secondly, word and punctuation choices make this screenplay choppy in a few areas, and really trips up the read. Again, this is just minutia if you're filming it yourself. But, a confusuing read means more time explaining things to the entire set and cast, and that costs time and money. Reading this purely as a working document, it needs a good polish beyond just its purpose of story.
I'm onto to story next.
alex
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DarrenJSeeley
Active member
Okay. Some folks wanted to know. So here's what's different.
There are no bold headers. Some four line paragraphs are broken up into three or two. Some even one. As stated before, the 12 page version has more white space. Now, for the deleted scenes (highlighted).
p1 - An additional description of the suits : Small compact keyboards on the right wrists.
After Caroline asks about the volcanoes, Parkers says "Readings said it was alright. Let’s
get cracking."
After entering the cave Parker presses a keypad on his wrist. A low sonic hum echoes
from around them. Turns into morse code.
A bald, pale skinned cherub meets them. Fish eyes on the
side of the head. Mouth in the center of the face. Tar
colored lips open, babble follows along with three bird
chirps.
Another cherub-like alien wobbles forward with a bag. Dumps
the contents, Three cylinder tubes. Like its brother, it
speaks in a unknown language with brief high pitched chirps.
Mitchell asks if Laura has 'x-rays' on the tubes...
LAURA (O.S.)
(filtered through static)
I’m on it.
p2
MITCHELL (O.S.)
Haven’t got all day. It’s like a
f-ing sauna in here.
p3 (p2 in AlienFest)
After Laura says the tubes have cleared and cannot harm them, Parker responds "So you think. Just be careful"
More conversation after Laura opens the first tube:
CAROLINE
And you're sure it’s safe?
LAURA
What’s with you two?
CAROLINE
What if it’s combination of three
things, not just one?
When Parker asks about nano-technology, Mitchell has an extra line : "Maybe there’s another life form in there. Like some kind of ant."
p4/5
After Caroline is taken over and levitates, additional dialog:
LAURA
Are you the same creatures from the
cave? This is how you communicate?
CAROLINE
Do you not know?
When Caroline attacks Mitchell, Parker says "What in the f--k!"
p7-8
Caroline explainds that the crew is The Find, Messengers from the Gods. I didn't mean any harm' The last line is changed as the dialog exchange happens:
PARKER
Horsesh*t. Gods of Om Lech. Sounds
like Omlet. You let go of Carol, or
I’ll go back in your cave and I’ll
give you some goddamn communication
you can understand!
LAURA
Stand down, Parker!
CAROLINE
I didn’t mean any harm!
p7
Carolne "observes" Laura and Parker suit up.
p8
INT. CAVE - NIGHT
Mitchell squints his eyes. Alien markings on the cave ceiling
pass by him. He turns his head, Caroline beside him.
MITCHELL
(raspy voice)
Thank you.
Caroline looks back at him.
CAROLINE
It will all be good soon. Peace is
at hand, and you will be well.
and now, p8...
Here's how it read in AlienFest submission (p6)
When we get back to them, Laura is already on the run back to ship. Here's what really went down after the 'walnut' scene: (WARNING Don't eat your lunch at this time!)
p11
EXT. DESERT - NIGHT
A group of alien cherubs approach the Harmonia. All of them
enchanted by the music that pulses from the ship.
One of them, unimpressed, wobbles out to the fallen Baud Dim.
Holds up an axe and hoots in victory.
p11
In between waiting for Parker to regenerate, Laura eats breakfast. Also, a cherub alien watches her in the shower.
p11-12
LAB - DAY
Parker, clad only in silver boxer shorts, seated in a chrome
plated chair. Laura places EEG wires and monitors all over
Parker’s head, arms and chest.
Laura slips in another quarter disc marked PARKER’S MEM into
a device attached the wires around Parker’s head. Presses
play. Parker’s eyes roll in the back of his head. His body
shakes, muscles tense up.
PARKER
(deep breath)
Hit me again.
Laura presses play one more time. Parker’s body reacts like
being given an electric shock.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
And that's pretty much what's out. FYI. SimplyScripts will have it up in a short time; I listed it on Inktip and the full version is also on Talentville.
There are no bold headers. Some four line paragraphs are broken up into three or two. Some even one. As stated before, the 12 page version has more white space. Now, for the deleted scenes (highlighted).
p1 - An additional description of the suits : Small compact keyboards on the right wrists.
After Caroline asks about the volcanoes, Parkers says "Readings said it was alright. Let’s
get cracking."
After entering the cave Parker presses a keypad on his wrist. A low sonic hum echoes
from around them. Turns into morse code.
A bald, pale skinned cherub meets them. Fish eyes on the
side of the head. Mouth in the center of the face. Tar
colored lips open, babble follows along with three bird
chirps.
Another cherub-like alien wobbles forward with a bag. Dumps
the contents, Three cylinder tubes. Like its brother, it
speaks in a unknown language with brief high pitched chirps.
Mitchell asks if Laura has 'x-rays' on the tubes...
LAURA (O.S.)
(filtered through static)
I’m on it.
p2
MITCHELL (O.S.)
Haven’t got all day. It’s like a
f-ing sauna in here.
p3 (p2 in AlienFest)
After Laura says the tubes have cleared and cannot harm them, Parker responds "So you think. Just be careful"
More conversation after Laura opens the first tube:
CAROLINE
And you're sure it’s safe?
LAURA
What’s with you two?
CAROLINE
What if it’s combination of three
things, not just one?
When Parker asks about nano-technology, Mitchell has an extra line : "Maybe there’s another life form in there. Like some kind of ant."
p4/5
After Caroline is taken over and levitates, additional dialog:
LAURA
Are you the same creatures from the
cave? This is how you communicate?
CAROLINE
Do you not know?
When Caroline attacks Mitchell, Parker says "What in the f--k!"
p7-8
Caroline explainds that the crew is The Find, Messengers from the Gods. I didn't mean any harm' The last line is changed as the dialog exchange happens:
PARKER
Horsesh*t. Gods of Om Lech. Sounds
like Omlet. You let go of Carol, or
I’ll go back in your cave and I’ll
give you some goddamn communication
you can understand!
LAURA
Stand down, Parker!
CAROLINE
I didn’t mean any harm!
p7
Carolne "observes" Laura and Parker suit up.
p8
INT. CAVE - NIGHT
Mitchell squints his eyes. Alien markings on the cave ceiling
pass by him. He turns his head, Caroline beside him.
MITCHELL
(raspy voice)
Thank you.
Caroline looks back at him.
CAROLINE
It will all be good soon. Peace is
at hand, and you will be well.
and now, p8...
Here's how it read in AlienFest submission (p6)
When we get back to them, Laura is already on the run back to ship. Here's what really went down after the 'walnut' scene: (WARNING Don't eat your lunch at this time!)
p11
EXT. DESERT - NIGHT
A group of alien cherubs approach the Harmonia. All of them
enchanted by the music that pulses from the ship.
One of them, unimpressed, wobbles out to the fallen Baud Dim.
Holds up an axe and hoots in victory.
p11
In between waiting for Parker to regenerate, Laura eats breakfast. Also, a cherub alien watches her in the shower.
p11-12
LAB - DAY
Parker, clad only in silver boxer shorts, seated in a chrome
plated chair. Laura places EEG wires and monitors all over
Parker’s head, arms and chest.
Laura slips in another quarter disc marked PARKER’S MEM into
a device attached the wires around Parker’s head. Presses
play. Parker’s eyes roll in the back of his head. His body
shakes, muscles tense up.
PARKER
(deep breath)
Hit me again.
Laura presses play one more time. Parker’s body reacts like
being given an electric shock.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
And that's pretty much what's out. FYI. SimplyScripts will have it up in a short time; I listed it on Inktip and the full version is also on Talentville.
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