Ten Tumbles and a Boom

seriously though... the poster is cool and your script was great and i think you have a good chance of being in the top :)
 
I really loved this script! I won't comment on the opening scene - it seemed obvious to me that it had been tagged on because of the fest rules, so I kind of discounted it from the story as a whole.

Your dialogue is FAN-TA-STIC!!! I can't pick fault in it at all. You also have some really lovely visuals, especially the lizard being peed on. That made me laugh out loud.

My only criticisms (and they're very small) is that it might be better to give the characters names from the start, or at least keep the same title for them. Like Alex pointed out, you used Boots man and Rugged man for the same person, and it gets confusing. Giving them names would sort this out, although I can understand why you might not want to do that, so you can keep them mysterious. Also, they seemed like such great characters, it seemed like a real waste that they both died so quickly. Maybe have them get into a bit of a punch-up after the car explodes, both of them on fire, then the suitcase can get exploded somehow. It was just a little disappointing to not be able to see these two characters really go for each other.

Definitely one of my favourites of the fest, I think you're going to do really well with this.
 
alex whitmer said:
Review of Ten Tumbles and a Boom

Great opening scenes.

This

A man is standing on the side of the highway peeing onto the road.

*Intro him as Slacks Man, not just man.

This …

BOOTS MAN
Little piggy dressed in white. Now
I got you in my sight.

*You call him rugged man and boots man. Pick one to avoid confusion.

Great dialogue. This especially ..

SLACKS MAN
There are things that I get excited
about that aren’t considered
normal.

What a fun little piece. Twisted as hell, but great stuff.

Opening scene didn’t feel disconnected as pussy came up in conversation anyways and kinda gave a visual.

Anyways, like your work.

a
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Thanks for reading and for the comments Alex. I will make the fixes.



themightyshrub said:
I really loved this script! I won't comment on the opening scene - it seemed obvious to me that it had been tagged on because of the fest rules, so I kind of discounted it from the story as a whole.

Your dialogue is FAN-TA-STIC!!! I can't pick fault in it at all. You also have some really lovely visuals, especially the lizard being peed on. That made me laugh out loud.

My only criticisms (and they're very small) is that it might be better to give the characters names from the start, or at least keep the same title for them. Like Alex pointed out, you used Boots man and Rugged man for the same person, and it gets confusing. Giving them names would sort this out, although I can understand why you might not want to do that, so you can keep them mysterious. Also, they seemed like such great characters, it seemed like a real waste that they both died so quickly. Maybe have them get into a bit of a punch-up after the car explodes, both of them on fire, then the suitcase can get exploded somehow. It was just a little disappointing to not be able to see these two characters really go for each other.

Definitely one of my favourites of the fest, I think you're going to do really well with this.
Click to expand...
Thanks for reading mightyshrub. I plan to make some fixes and a few changes. I'm taking in all the ideas and comments for another draft.
 
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congrats!
 
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