Solstice - by preston

Horncastle said:
Good story with a great twist at the end. Nothing much wrong with it so a little bit of nitpicking: "Yeah, I’d like to pin you up, girl." - sounded a bit lame to me as a first piece of dialogue. I think the dialogue on the phone went on more than necessary; maybe it didn't need the "thanks you's" and "goodbyes" at the end? And as a last thought, I wonder whether you couldn't have had a bit of a showdown in person instead of the note? It might have added more of a punch. It worked well as it was though - thanks for a fun read.
Jason
Click to expand...

hey thanks for reading... his first line was supposed to be a little lame; after all, he was talking to a magazine. i tried to show his demeanor noticeably change when he was talking to GINA, like he was putting on an act to impress her. then when he was talking to himself, he was kind-of a dork/loser.

anyway... i thought about a confrontation, but i wanted him to just wake up and realize he'd been played (and beaten at his own game). but yeah, a showdown would bring an added punch to the end.

glad you enjoyed it, thanks again! :dankk2:
 
themightyshrub said:
Loved this script! One of the best I've read so far (and I've only got 6 to go). Couldn't see the twist coming, which was nice.

After Heart went to bed with Gina, I did think "well where is this actually going", but once I read on I understood why it was structured like this, and really loved it.

I liked your dream sequence. I can see why you thought people might not like it, but I thought it was wonderfully surreal, and would look fantastic on film.

Everything else I was going to say has already been said really, especially about the dialogue at the end on the first scene.

Detective Jeremiah Heart - best name ever!
Click to expand...

hey thanks! wow... i really thought i would hear two things over and over: the twist was predictable and the dream sucked. to my surprise it's been quite the opposite! that's why i like these fests so much- obviously we can't look at our own stories objectively, and we can't not see the twist coming because we wrote it. it's great to get good, honest feedback from other writers.

thanks for reading and for your comments. glad you liked HEART's name :)
 
Last edited:
I went back and read your script form scriptfest 2, I remembered the basic set up. I still think it was pretty good. But you really took a big leap with this one, impressive.
 
conlanforever said:
I went back and read your script form scriptfest 2, I remembered the basic set up. I still think it was pretty good. But you really took a big leap with this one, impressive.
Click to expand...

:) hey thanks again. i made some changes to that script after the fest, (hopefully) improving the dialog to sound more natural. THE VANISHING was my first attempt at writing a screenplay, other than some handwritten lines of dialog for my DRAMAFEST enrty...
 
finished reading all the scripts, and while many of them had a p.i. and a blonde, yours definitely had unique twist. it was well written and i liked it even better on my second read! terrific work! :)
 
Man I did not see that twist coming at the end. You and Callaghan had the best twists of the fest.

I really got a kick out of this story though.

I didn't see the need for the dream though. You could maybe live without it. I know we needed a dream or a flashback for the fest so don't worry. I didn't dock any points for it.

Also, the opening could be trimmed. I think that Det. Heart could meet Gina in the bar without the phone call. The audience doesn't need the phone call in my opinion.

Great job though with nailing the noir style. And you kept it more realistic too, where as some of us went with a very stylized version of dialogue and narration. I also liked that you didn't have a mob boss and thugs like a lot of noir stories. I think that is why your twist works because from the get go we don't know what to expect.
 
Nektonic said:
Man I did not see that twist coming at the end. You and Callaghan had the best twists of the fest.
Click to expand...

haha cool, thanks! cheers, Callaghan! :beer:

Nektonic said:
I really got a kick out of this story though.

I didn't see the need for the dream though. You could maybe live without it. I know we needed a dream or a flashback for the fest so don't worry. I didn't dock any points for it.

Also, the opening could be trimmed. I think that Det. Heart could meet Gina in the bar without the phone call. The audience doesn't need the phone call in my opinion.
Click to expand...

yeah maybe if i started the story in the bar, i could spend more time in the Jazz Club, or the...**hotel room**.

Nektonic said:
Great job though with nailing the noir style. And you kept it more realistic too, where as some of us went with a very stylized version of dialogue and narration. I also liked that you didn't have a mob boss and thugs like a lot of noir stories. I think that is why your twist works because from the get go we don't know what to expect.
Click to expand...

thanks for your comments. i might attempt to produce this sometime soon, so i'm looking for suggestions where i can improve/streamline the story. trim the fat, keep the meat and potatoes.. thanks again! :)
 
preston said:
thanks for your comments. i might attempt to produce this sometime soon, so i'm looking for suggestions where i can improve/streamline the story. trim the fat, keep the meat and potatoes.. thanks again! :)
Click to expand...
You definitely should make this. It would make a great short. I wouldn't mind seeing a bit of a sex scene at the end. Make it spicy.
 
see?! lol... you make me laugh, david.

preston- i agree. it would make a great short. david could star in it.
 
so no one caught my "joker lines"...

Well hello beautiful.
Click to expand...
And you are beautiful.
Click to expand...
News2_3.jpg


but then again, probably no one else went to see TDK ten times. :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top