Solstice - by preston

CallaghanFilms said:
Nicely done:beer:

You painted a nice pulp mood using an array of atmospheric colors.

The dialogue is clean, crisp - and you have what is easily one of the top (if not the top) dream sequence(s).


***SPOILER ALERT***

My major qualm is the lack of (exposed) motive for the wife to pay big money to set him up. For instance: If she were rich (and infidelity was a pre-condition of the pre-nup) - then the payoff would be even more devastating. Seeing as then he would be left with nothing.

That being said, I really enjoyed this baby alot.

Favorite Line:
"Guess you'll have to wait, girly."
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hey, sorry for the confusion about the money. it wasn't part of the wife's motive, it was just bait (supplied by the wife) to encourage Det. Heart to take the case. Regina just got a kick out of using the detective's own money to set him up.

i tried to turn the tables (on the detective/femme fatale model) and have the detective -who makes a good living spying on cheaters- get caught with his pants down... and all it took was a call-girl and some cash.

thanks for reading, and i'm glad you liked it.

EDIT

thanks for the "mood" and dialog props... i wasn't expecting much of that. also - the dream - i thought everyone would absolutely hate it. i was preparing for a torrent of boo's. thank you!
 
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Pretty good idea and storyline, but I thought it ended a little suddenly. I'd also like to see more motivations behind the husband and wife.

Great classic feel though, and it seemed to flow well up until the end. You could have a lot of fun getting creative filming that cool dream sequence, too.
 
Structure and formatting are solid. Nice clear tight descriptions. Dialog is very good also, straight to the point. Each character sounds unique (and well developed).

Story flows well + like the ending.

This read like a polish script that you had spent your time with. No glaring suggestion or problems from my end. (would only be repeating what others have said on this thread already).

One of my favs. Well done.
 
david jerome said:
Great story Preston. Great twist. Did Gina leave him the money instead of giving it back to the wife because she liked him and hopes to see him again when he is single? Just curious.
I have one major question for you. Have you seen my blue crab?
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thanks for reading, David. i'm glad you liked the story...

[SPOILERS]

to answer your question... Gina didn't leave him the money because she liked him - it was bait to ensure he would accept the case. she just thought it was funny that his own money was used to catch him cheating. i'm sure she was well-paid by her client- the detective's wife.
 
preston said:
thanks for reading, David. i'm glad you liked the story...

[SPOILERS]

to answer your question... Gina didn't leave him the money because she liked him - it was bait to ensure he would accept the case. she just thought it was funny that his own money was used to catch him cheating. i'm sure she was well-paid by her client- the detective's wife.
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I get it. I think what I am doing is thinking to the next day an trying to predict what the characters will be doing. Trying to predict that gives me different scenarios on how they would be treating the cash. So basically that means I'm interested in the characters and wondering about them doing things that haven't been written. Great job.
 
MiataFilmSomething said:
Pretty good idea and storyline, but I thought it ended a little suddenly. I'd also like to see more motivations behind the husband and wife.

Great classic feel though, and it seemed to flow well up until the end. You could have a lot of fun getting creative filming that cool dream sequence, too.
Click to expand...

hey thanks for reading... i would LOVE to shoot the dream sequence! as soon as i find someone who will let me take their DVX into chest-deep water, i'll do it!

the wife's motivation was (hopefully) revealed in the final lines of the note.
 
seansshack said:
Structure and formatting are solid. Nice clear tight descriptions. Dialog is very good also, straight to the point. Each character sounds unique (and well developed).

Story flows well + like the ending.

This read like a polish script that you had spent your time with. No glaring suggestion or problems from my end. (would only be repeating what others have said on this thread already).

One of my favs. Well done.
Click to expand...

thanks so much for the kind words, i'm glad to hear it's on of your favs! :)
 
david jerome said:
I get it. I think what I am doing is thinking to the next day an trying to predict what the characters will be doing. Trying to predict that gives me different scenarios on how they would be treating the cash. So basically that means I'm interested in the characters and wondering about them doing things that haven't been written. Great job.
Click to expand...

:dankk2:
 
That was a fun read. I loved the twist at the end.

I wouldn't change a thing about how you introduce the fact that he has a wife (late in the story). As you have it, the twist is hard to forsee and that makes it all the more fun to read.
 
Very good story. Written really well. A good job creating the atmosphere and characters.
You keep setting it up and setting it up for a twist, because these stories always do.

But I never saw it going in the direction it did. Kudos for that. Good use of the dream sequence.
Really nice work.
 
I want to be Gina! >;P

I'm actually glad you didn't plant the wife in the beginning. I would've smelled it right away. Great twist.
 
GrizzlyGuy said:
That was a fun read. I loved the twist at the end.

I wouldn't change a thing about how you introduce the fact that he has a wife (late in the story). As you have it, the twist is hard to forsee and that makes it all the more fun to read.
Click to expand...

hey thanks for reading, i'm glad you liked the end.
:dankk2:
 
conlanforever said:
Very good story. Written really well. A good job creating the atmosphere and characters.
You keep setting it up and setting it up for a twist, because these stories always do.

But I never saw it going in the direction it did. Kudos for that. Good use of the dream sequence.
Really nice work.
Click to expand...

Russell - thanks for reading, and for your comments. i'm glad you liked the dream- i thought everyone would say it was sooo ridiculous and out of place.. thanks again.
 
nitramlehcar said:
I want to be Gina! >;P

I'm actually glad you didn't plant the wife in the beginning. I would've smelled it right away. Great twist.
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rachel - you want to be a call-girl? lol... or you want to play the part of the call-girl whenever i get around to shooting this?

either way, thanks for reading... i'm glad you liked the twisty twist.
 
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Ha! I thought she was a female "dick" who just did what the job called for.

And, of course, I want to be a call girl.
 
haha... yeah, i toyed with the idea of making her an actual P.I. too- like leaving the note on custom letterhead or with a business card- but i figured that was a little too unbelievable. she's just a call-girl who knows how to act (they all do, i suppose).
and i still can't tell if you want to be a real hooker, or just play one in the film. :cheesy:
 
I like the letterhead idea. Is Gina the blue crab? If she were wearing a blue dress, the dream might make more sense, I think.

Anyway, love the "Heart" and "Flowers." You're so gay. ;P
 
Good story with a great twist at the end. Nothing much wrong with it so a little bit of nitpicking: "Yeah, I’d like to pin you up, girl." - sounded a bit lame to me as a first piece of dialogue. I think the dialogue on the phone went on more than necessary; maybe it didn't need the "thanks you's" and "goodbyes" at the end? And as a last thought, I wonder whether you couldn't have had a bit of a showdown in person instead of the note? It might have added more of a punch. It worked well as it was though - thanks for a fun read.
Jason
 
Loved this script! One of the best I've read so far (and I've only got 6 to go). Couldn't see the twist coming, which was nice.

After Heart went to bed with Gina, I did think "well where is this actually going", but once I read on I understood why it was structured like this, and really loved it.

I liked your dream sequence. I can see why you thought people might not like it, but I thought it was wonderfully surreal, and would look fantastic on film.

Everything else I was going to say has already been said really, especially about the dialogue at the end on the first scene.

Detective Jeremiah Heart - best name ever!
 
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