Ruby

[Sunk99]

Ruby inherits a mansion.
A simple task.
Extraordinarily complicated.


​

Before you ask - yes she's trapped.
No you can't join her - just wish.
Final draft completed 6 Jan 2012.
Teaser - Ruby's last name is Goldberg.
Cpn​

 

[DarrenJSeeley]

Title Page
- Get the logline off the title page.
- use your real name too.

Script
- Lots of passive voice. Keep it active.
- Lots of block text. Break it up 3-4 lines but no more.
- Lots of 'starts' 'begins' 'finally'...all words you can do without.
- Just write 'Hello'.

This does feel like an aim for animation, I almost expected the old flyin' utensils gag. Liked the ping pong gag a little bit though.
Needs work. The author states 'final draft' earlier in the month. Reads more like a rough one. Had time to correct some mistakes, make it more readable. That's too bad. This could have been fun stuff.

 

[Eric Boellner]

It's well-written, and that kept me going despite the massive blocks of sometimes confusing text. About halfway through, I was 90% certain she was a moving "chess piece" in a life-sized game of CLUE, but that turned out not to be true. Not really sure what I ended up with instead, though. It was fun, but the ending was a slight let down. Particularly, "Lawyers. You're welcome I'm sure." I was also confused because it sets it up toward the end as if the lawyer had engineered all of those scares in order to get the mansion for his own, but then he himself appears to be trapped by it?

Loved the stylish writing early on. Especially lines like, "The view gets better the higher you go." It creates a "shot," with using outdated language like "tilt slowly up as we see..." I would avoid putting anything on the title page other than basic information, though, which should include (at MOST) the title, your name, and contact info. I'd also avoid references to old movies as a descriptor -- it's been too long since I've seen Ghostbusters, and I don't remember if I ever saw Roger Rabbit, so while I got a solid image of Ruby from your description, the movie references felt unnecessary, and also made me feel out of the loop, which is something you won't want to do to someone of actual importance reading your script.

I did have to "dock points," though, because your script passes the 6-page limit by a page and a half.

-JMT

 

[ZellJr]

Passes the page limit, as already noted by JMT.

I had a lot of trouble following what was going on. It was very confusing, especially towards the end. And there was a lot of heavy descriptions. The whole pingpong balls thing took up atleast a page and had a very weak payoff. You could have practically removed it and the script would be the same, from what I took from it.

I'd suggest simplifying things, actions and descriptions. And of course, break up these large blocks of text into shots. I had to fight myself from just skimming this, but by the time I finished, I was disappointed, because I could have just skimmed it and gotten the same result.

I didn't see the purpose of Ruby's character being described the way she was. It added nothing to the story. And I didn't understand the lawyers line at the end. I didn't understand the story at all, really. I kind of thought I did, but then the lawyer guy apparently died? I don't know. But I do give you respect for not hammering it over our heads.

Your writing style I'm sure many people will find fun. It just needs trimming and clarity.

 

[taylormade]

I'm not sure why this script was posted as it exceeds the fest limit by a page and a half.

A fun story that could have been told in three pages. Once we get that everything she touches starts the mansion moving against her it begins to get terribly repaticious. That, combined with massive blocks of description, really slows things down.

You TELL us the lawyer planned the whole thing and intended to scare her. How are you going to show that on the screen? And if he knew all this stuff was going to happen, why the heck did he stay inside after Ruby left?

Some of this was fun, but you need an editor!

 

[Chris_Keaton]

Ouch, sorry. I didn't notice this exceeded the page count. It'll become exhibition.

 

[Sunk99]

Title Page
- Get the logline off the title page.
- use your real name too.

Script
- Lots of passive voice. Keep it active.
- Lots of block text. Break it up 3-4 lines but no more.
- Lots of 'starts' 'begins' 'finally'...all words you can do without.
- Just write 'Hello'.

This does feel like an aim for animation, I almost expected the old flyin' utensils gag. Liked the ping pong gag a little bit though.
Needs work. The author states 'final draft' earlier in the month. Reads more like a rough one. Had time to correct some mistakes, make it more readable. That's too bad. This could have been fun stuff.

Thanks for the critique. Agree I shouldn't have posted final as it has received editing since.
Don't recall if those were posted here or not.
A few comments. I don't plan to sell my scripts. I gave up those dreams well over 20 years ago.
I may or may produce them locally (depends on budget).
This one is already in the works and should be filmed this summer here in Metro Detroit.
Hopefully the machines will be far more complex visually. Maybe you'd like to help or do some other films with us?
Michael mentions in the next review post about style. Mine is I'm a rule breaker.
I like to direct the camera as Michael points out. I do it through visuals.
I like my Logline on the cover. I never use my real name. I love Pen names. Hmmm...was Mark Twain his real name?
I also add my tag - Tellin the Tale...
You weren't specific pointing out issues. Could you be specific to help an old buzzards writing?
Passive voice to me are forms of "to be." The word "be" is not found in the script.
There is one "start", two "begins", and three "finally"s.
I have to agree I do like the sentences better without them. Taught an old dog a new trick.
Again thanks for the read and comments.

 

[Sunk99]

<cut & snip>
...massive blocks of sometimes confusing text.
...in a life-sized game of CLUE,
...if the lawyer had engineered all of those scares in order to get the mansion for his own, but then he himself appears to be trapped by it?
...Loved the stylish writing early on.
...avoid references to old movies as a descriptor
...your script passes the 6-page limit by a page and a half.
-JMT

Michael thanks so much for the read and review.
Agree the action blocks were big. Funny. I was saving space to keep it under ten pages. Now I read there was a six page limit! Too funny! Too many scripts flying around.
Clue. Thrown in to show her dead uncle liked weird things. A whole lot of things thrown into a short space and I see how they didn't translate as well as I hoped.
The entire story was based on things aren't how they always appear. The Lawyer had planned to scare her away. He thought the weird house would do the job for him.
He showed up late on purpose. He had no clue what the one button did. If you check the actually machines and what they did inside from a homeowners perspective, they have functions.
My fault I didn't get these points across in the space allotted.
Thanks again for the review.

 

[Sunk99]

<cut & snip>
...It was very confusing,
The whole pingpong balls thing ... could have removed it...

I didn't see the purpose of Ruby's character being described the way she was. It added nothing to the story.

And I didn't understand the lawyers line at the end.
... lawyer guy apparently died?
... Your writing style I'm sure many people will find fun.

Xell,
I deeply appreciate your review and viewpoints. You don't have to like it. We all don't like the same things. It would be a boring world if we did. I appreciate the candor.
If it was a confusing read that's my fault. The ping pong balls ... ehhhhh .... that's my story ticking clock. I like stories that have time limits more than option limits.
Makes for excitement I think. BTW, we don't know if the lawyer dies. I didn't see the house explode. If you don't know Jersey talk then you likely don't get some of the lines
spoken. They don't speak like the rest of us or make perfect sense. That makes them great fun characters - not boring.
I've had a few people elsewhere makes comments about my decryption of Ruby. Overdone. Not script format. Ya-da, ya-da. (more Jersey talk) Yes I know how to spell description.
Its my style. Anyhow, if you got a minute to read below is a cut & paster answer-
TimMc

Here is the text from the script:
RUBY drives into the circular driveway and stops at the main doors to the mansion. Through the windshield it appears pretty much your standard - HAUNTED MANSION.
The moon peeks in and out of the clouds casting an eerie blue glow upon the ground fog. The car door opens and a sexy leg sporting a red stiletto steps on the gravel.
Work it - Ruby's calves rock as they strut toward the mansion door. The view gets better the higher you go. Her nylons with the black seam peak through the slit of her red
sequin dress. Smoking! Bummer - she also wears a faux black and white animal print coat. Her red hair spills down her back. An owl hoots somewhere behind her in the trees.
Ruby looks back revealing moist red lipstick and huge gaudy glasses from 1950. Ruby reminds you of a cross between the secretary in Ghost Busters and Roger Rabbit's girlfriend Jessica.


Now let me explain why these descriptions were picked - really taking the reader on trip viewed through my camera. See what you think.


1- RUBY drives into the circular driveway and stops at the main doors to the mansion.
CU shot of Ruby then establishing shot of mansion


2- Through the windshield it appears pretty much your standard - HAUNTED MANSION.
WS Ruby POV through windshield, then pulling back to super WS to show property still expanding...


3- The moon peeks in and out of the clouds casting an eerie blue glow upon the ground fog.
...to include the scary moon and ground fog rolling across the property.


4- The car door opens and a sexy leg sporting a red stiletto steps on the gravel.
The reader has not seen Ruby up to this point and I wanted to reveal her a little at a time.
So the camera view is limited to the shoes.


5-Work it - Ruby's calves rock as they strut toward the mansion door.
And as she walks the camera shifts upward. "Work it" was a purposefully used verb used as an adjective. I believe most readers recognize the saying to mean act extra sexy.


6-The view gets better the higher you go. Her nylons with the black seam peak through the slit of her red sequin dress. Smoking!
The camera continues to slowly pan up revealing her super sexy and very short red dress.


7- Bummer - she also wears a faux black and white animal print coat.
Male readers will almost be at a voyeuristic point here expecting an up-dress camera view. But alas, a gaudy, cheap animal print blocks the view.


8- Her red hair spills down her back.
The camera continues to pan up showing her hair.


9- An owl hoots somewhere behind her in the trees.
Break-away from Ruby as we spent a lot of time panning her and now we need to pull back for the reveal.


10-Ruby looks back revealing moist red lipstick and huge gaudy glasses from 1950.
This is a WS shot of Ruby walking from behind which flies in as she turns to look toward the owl hoot revealing her face and lowering her glasses to show her eyes.


11- Ruby reminds you of a cross between the secretary in Ghost Busters and Roger Rabbit's girlfriend Jessica.
Finally we see a front shot of Ruby in total - hot.


So as you can see I gave a lot of thought to that sequence. Could I cut it - yes. Is it camera direction? Yes, but not explicitly so. Will a Director see the sequence in
my camera view, but not think I am directing? I hope so. To me this is how one should screen write. Visuals from a cameras perspective. Not always used.


Same sequence edited to the rules-


RUBY drives into the driveway and stops at the main doors of a HAUNTED MANSION. She gets out revealing a sexy red dress and gaudy faux jacket. Ruby herself
is stunning, although she wear glasses.

BORING!

 

[Sunk99]

<cut & snip>
A fun story that could have been told in three pages.
...slows things down.
You TELL us the lawyer planned the whole thing and intended to scare her. How are you going to show that on the screen?

And if he knew all this stuff was going to happen, why the heck did he stay inside after Ruby left?

Some of this was fun, but you need an editor!

Thanks Mr. TaylorMade for the review. Sorry I'm a Ping sort, but none the less I hear ya.
Yep, Ruby could have been done in a boring 3 pages. Agree.
I know a lot of people comment about big blocks of text slowing things down. I'm familiar with pacing and how to get a reader to fly from page to page.
I didn't have the space, yet I needed the space to describe complex Rube Goldberg machines! I know - my fault. But as to to pacing, most people I've
asked thought this script read fast and the pacing very fast. Do the big blocks break the rules so much that just in themselves slow the story? I'm curious.
I have no problem breaking rules. You should read the short script I'm working on now. I totally direct the camera 100% as well as the SFX. I also never show a
character or location. I love a teaser.

Another discussion item-
LAWYER
(sing-song)
I get the mansion.
His smile is evil. He had planned to scare her all along.

Agree the last sentence is novelistic. I knew it when I put it there. Others have pointed it out too. I need help with it. I wish the first sentence was enough.
That the reader might understand him suddenly smiling evil means he is evil and was plotting. But it doesn't. I know a good actor could pull this off and
relay it to the viewer. Any suggestions on how to write it in a script?

Why did the lawyer go back inside you ask?
The lawyer had no clue what that other button did. He even said so. He knew what normally could happen inside and that is why he arrived late.

Again thanks for the read.

 

[ZellJr]

Xell,
I deeply appreciate your review and viewpoints. You don't have to like it. We all don't like the same things. It would be a boring world if we did. I appreciate the candor.
If it was a confusing read that's my fault. The ping pong balls ... ehhhhh .... that's my story ticking clock. I like stories that have time limits more than option limits.
Makes for excitement I think. BTW, we don't know if the lawyer dies. I didn't see the house explode. If you don't know Jersey talk then you likely don't get some of the lines
spoken. They don't speak like the rest of us or make perfect sense. That makes them great fun characters - not boring.
I've had a few people elsewhere makes comments about my decryption of Ruby. Overdone. Not script format. Ya-da, ya-da. (more Jersey talk) Yes I know how to spell description.
Its my style. Anyhow, if you got a minute to read below is a cut & paster answer-
TimMc

Here is the text from the script:
RUBY drives into the circular driveway and stops at the main doors to the mansion. Through the windshield it appears pretty much your standard - HAUNTED MANSION.
The moon peeks in and out of the clouds casting an eerie blue glow upon the ground fog. The car door opens and a sexy leg sporting a red stiletto steps on the gravel.
Work it - Ruby's calves rock as they strut toward the mansion door. The view gets better the higher you go. Her nylons with the black seam peak through the slit of her red
sequin dress. Smoking! Bummer - she also wears a faux black and white animal print coat. Her red hair spills down her back. An owl hoots somewhere behind her in the trees.
Ruby looks back revealing moist red lipstick and huge gaudy glasses from 1950. Ruby reminds you of a cross between the secretary in Ghost Busters and Roger Rabbit's girlfriend Jessica.


Now let me explain why these descriptions were picked - really taking the reader on trip viewed through my camera. See what you think.


1- RUBY drives into the circular driveway and stops at the main doors to the mansion.
CU shot of Ruby then establishing shot of mansion


2- Through the windshield it appears pretty much your standard - HAUNTED MANSION.
WS Ruby POV through windshield, then pulling back to super WS to show property still expanding...


3- The moon peeks in and out of the clouds casting an eerie blue glow upon the ground fog.
...to include the scary moon and ground fog rolling across the property.


4- The car door opens and a sexy leg sporting a red stiletto steps on the gravel.
The reader has not seen Ruby up to this point and I wanted to reveal her a little at a time.
So the camera view is limited to the shoes.


5-Work it - Ruby's calves rock as they strut toward the mansion door.
And as she walks the camera shifts upward. "Work it" was a purposefully used verb used as an adjective. I believe most readers recognize the saying to mean act extra sexy.


6-The view gets better the higher you go. Her nylons with the black seam peak through the slit of her red sequin dress. Smoking!
The camera continues to slowly pan up revealing her super sexy and very short red dress.


7- Bummer - she also wears a faux black and white animal print coat.
Male readers will almost be at a voyeuristic point here expecting an up-dress camera view. But alas, a gaudy, cheap animal print blocks the view.


8- Her red hair spills down her back.
The camera continues to pan up showing her hair.


9- An owl hoots somewhere behind her in the trees.
Break-away from Ruby as we spent a lot of time panning her and now we need to pull back for the reveal.


10-Ruby looks back revealing moist red lipstick and huge gaudy glasses from 1950.
This is a WS shot of Ruby walking from behind which flies in as she turns to look toward the owl hoot revealing her face and lowering her glasses to show her eyes.


11- Ruby reminds you of a cross between the secretary in Ghost Busters and Roger Rabbit's girlfriend Jessica.
Finally we see a front shot of Ruby in total - hot.


So as you can see I gave a lot of thought to that sequence. Could I cut it - yes. Is it camera direction? Yes, but not explicitly so. Will a Director see the sequence in
my camera view, but not think I am directing? I hope so. To me this is how one should screen write. Visuals from a cameras perspective. Not always used.


Same sequence edited to the rules-


RUBY drives into the driveway and stops at the main doors of a HAUNTED MANSION. She gets out revealing a sexy red dress and gaudy faux jacket. Ruby herself
is stunning, although she wear glasses.

BORING!

yeah i had no troubles with the language. that wasnt a problem. i just didnt see the use in describing ruby in such detail. her looks played no role in the story. she could just have easily been ugly betty and the story would be exactly the same.

as for the camera directions, i never have a problem with those in the technical sense. i just dont really care for camera movement. it doesnt do anything for me. i much prefer a still camera with limited changing shots. i find specific shots to be a bit intrusive more often than not. boring really. but thats just me.

please excuse the sloppiness. posting from my phone.

 

[Sunk99]

she could just have easily been ugly betty and the story would be exactly the same.

Good point - you're right. Thanks. Another reader suggested, which I will incorporate, having Ruby's looks getting worse ending
up with a tilted wig, a jacket sleeve torn off (she did it by accident, not the house), shoe missing, make-up smeared.
It is really great having so much feedback and ideas. Thanks.

 

[MML]

I feel like grading every aspect of your entry but I'll hold back from that since I find that sort of, I don't know...rude. rogar-BigGrin(DBG)

First impression is yikes...big chunks of narrative and 8 pages. So obviously this isn't in the running since you went over the page limit. But kudos for entering anyway and completing a short. That's always a positive thing.

I found Ruby to be so very cliche. You show a pic of Jessica Rabbit on your poster and somehow I thought the character you created would be different but she wasn't. She was a carbon copy. So if I were to grade this, which I won't, I'd give you a very low score in the originality department.

Pg. 1 - this is a VERY long set up. We learn nothing here except Ruby, a Jessica Rabbit clone, is at the front door of a haunted mansion. No hint on the genre...is it a comedy, horror, drama??

Pg. 2 - Again, nothing happens. Toooooooo much description and no story.

Pg. 3 - Yikes. Still nothing. And so far her dialog is repetetive. She's walking through this weird place, we need more.

Pg. 4 - Okay, we still have no story, she's just wandering around this weird house. Four full pages of this. You have to see this is bad, right?

Pg. 5 - I assume this is supposed to be a giant game of Clue? Then what are the ping pong balls? And one main slug of MANSION doesn't cut it. If she's in the kitchen that needs a new slug. New location, new slug.

Pg. 6 - Sorry - no lightning. -- What does this mean?? Can this statement be filmed?
You don't properly intro the Lawyer. I had to go back because I thought I must have missed him earlier. That's why you CAP characters when first intro'd.

Pg. 7 - (opening his briefcase and pulling out a folder) -- This should be written as action.
He had planned to scare her all along. -- Whoa...Are you really telling us this?? Screenwriting 101...show don't tell.

Pg. 8 - Didn't really understand the ending and Ruby's last line of dialog.


Capn Keel, I don't know you but if you're going to be so bold as to grade other's work I think you'd better have the chops to back it up.

This story, atmosphere and characters were totally cliche and you knocked me for being unoriginal. Yikes. I was liking the "Clue" aspect of this, although not original, but you were inconsistant with it. It was there then it wasn't. Focus. And give us an actual story instead of just a weird haunted house. And give us an original character with some actual depth instead of just looks.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Sunk99]

I feel like grading every aspect of your entry but I'll hold back from that since I find that sort of, I don't know...rude. rogar-BigGrin(DBG)
Capn Keel, I don't know you but if you're going to be so bold as to grade other's work I think you'd better have the chops to back it up.

Wow - I'm sorry if I offended or was rude. Not intended. I like in-depth reviews personally. I like people to show me specifically where they have beefs.
I like to do the same for others. I spend time with their scripts. The review format is taken from a major agency.
I don't compare my scripts to others. They each stand on their own. People don't have to write at all to have an opinion do they? Must I be better than you to comment?

I also don't discard others opinions either simply because they find fault with my own writing. My script got trashed in this forum. You didn't like it. Okay. That a
good reason to flame me? I have thick skin - its storytelling - people have opinions. I actually want positive and negative opinions.

A couple of points your bring up are quite valid. In other posts here I asked for help to come up with something better in a few areas.

I also wish you the best of luck young lady.

 

[ZellJr]

yeah i have no idea where this hostility came from lol.

Sunk is a pretty cool guy. I haven't sensed any animosity in any of his posts.

 

[MML]

Didn't think I came across as hostile. Sorry about that. I was just being straight forward which I thought was a safe way to be with Sunk since he is straight forward as well. I'm sure he didn't mean to be insulting in his review when he said, "I found both characters un-plausible or at the least stupid."

My personal opinion, although I feel pretty strongly that I'm not alone, is that I very much dislike being graded. And if I am being graded it better be by someone who can stand behind it. That's all I'm saying. It's like finding out that the Professor who's been slamming you all semester never graduated High School. That's what I meant by "you'd better have the chops". Also, if youre going to dish it out, you'd better be able to take it.

I'm sure you are a pretty cool guy as Zell states. Review in whatever way makes you happy. Just realize that some people may not appreciate the grading system. Bestof luck with your story and your writing. :laugh:

 

[Sunk99]

"I found both characters un-plausible or at the least stupid."
I very much dislike being graded.
if youre going to dish it out, you'd better be able to take it.
some people may not appreciate the grading system. Bestof luck with your story and your writing. :laugh:

Marnie, I'm sure if we were face to face you'd realize I am 100% with you. I'm sure we could have a great conversation about your story over a cup of joe. I apologize I shouldn't have used the term stupid without further elaboration. I take offense at people who knock down women, call them the weaker sex, etc. My experience in life is over-all you women have us men beat hands down brain-wise. We do so much stupid stuff. Ask any guy - we all know we should be dead many times over.
Your female character walked into the woods with a creepy guy then into a building with him. Women sense these things. They're smarter than this. The character as is, is the same teenager who goes down into the basement where she knows Jason is waiting. I don't buy the stupid character. Now, if she went looking for the cat and was cautious of this guy, and he walloped her from behind - different opinion. She had enough sense to plan out how to escape didn't she? The male character had similar issues that made him either not plausible or a stupid person - sorry I call strikes and balls. You didn't make him all the way stupid. You showed him think. Then he untied a full grown women and took no precautions. Heck a kid can kick ya in the balls. Anyhow, sorry I didn't explain "enough" in-depth.

As to grading - don't post your stuff in scoring contests if you don't like grading as that is what those stars are about. To me those stars aren't enough. That's an overall score. You're writing skills can be top of the heap, but your storytelling at the bottom. And entertainment and cinema qualities are very important. I have many people write me saying thanks for the in-depth reviews rather than the glossy, your script sucks - 2! What good does that do to help you write?

Finally - yes I can take it. I could give a rats ass about scores. I am an old buzzard with no dreams of my scripts being up there on the big screen. I dropped those ideas many, many, years ago. I write because I love it. I review because I think I provide better help than most.

I see you are a photog. Me too - many years. Retiring in two. Was planning to shoot yachts for something to do then. Now, I've pulled my writing back out and plan to do shorts. I have the equipment and crew. Ruby, the one you hate, will be filmed this summer in metro-Detroit. We have the lead (a blond) and are making arrangement for a house/mansion. The Clue stuff - totally dropped. The Rube Goldberg machines will be much more elaborate. I take it you never built a Rube Goldberg machine in high school? Sad - very fun. I don't think you caught her name was Ruby Goldberg and her uncle was named Rube? You are not my target audience. Jessica Rabbit - I don't draw. Best graphic and description I could come up with.
Clique? You bet - on purpose. I wanted people to hit on things they recall.

Well like always - long winded. Honestly. I only read a couple out of all the entires that I considered producible within a reasonable budget with some hope of having an entertainment interest.
You take care and I hope to see something you write produced some day.
Sunk
or just plain Tim
P.S. We hope to produce six shorts this year - fingers crossed. Lots of fun. Community theater actors. One full feature - top secret project - literally a cast of hundreds. I love teasers.

 

[Chris_Keaton]

Notes:
- Ok you went over the page count, so you know there won't be an end score, but that doesn't mean you can't get some good reviews.
- Oh no, I hate Jersey accents
- Wow you just love flowery prose. You may want to write that instead. There's at least a market for that and people will read it besides other screenwriters.
- I can so visualize Jessica Rabbit and The Secretary.
- Rube Goldberg
- Ruby and that guy in the glass box should get together.

There's no way this short could get filmed live action without a load of computer effects. But then why. I really think you could've got this into the page count. I think you have a fun concept, but didn't it delivered. It could be that neither character was likeable enough or evil enough to really care about. Keep the concept and rework it.

 

[Sunk99]

Notes:
- Ok you went over the page count, so you know there won't be an end score, but that doesn't mean you can't get some good reviews.
- Oh no, I hate Jersey accents
- Wow you just love flowery prose. You may want to write that instead. There's at least a market for that and people will read it besides other screenwriters.
- I can so visualize Jessica Rabbit and The Secretary.
- Rube Goldberg
- Ruby and that guy in the glass box should get together.

There's no way this short could get filmed live action without a load of computer effects. But then why. I really think you could've got this into the page count. I think you have a fun concept, but didn't it delivered. It could be that neither character was likeable enough or evil enough to really care about. Keep the concept and rework it.

Thanks for the review Chris. I loved your story. I laugh about my page count. I finished it and proofed early on in Jan. Also had two other "10 page" contests with different scripts. Guess I got them all mixed up. Hell getting old. Yes I could easily have cut out fluff and got it to 6. I thought I was two pages under at 8.

I don't care about the score - the opinions are what matter to me. Good reviews? HA! Ruby got raped!
There will be a lot of After Effects work for Ruby. Many of the machines however, will be built and shot in piece meal and pasted together in post. That's easy stuff.
Yeah I got'ta beat that glass box guy up - stealing my idea! Old gag. What is really funny is all the people who doubt such happens. Watch this Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgstON22SbY
Nothing new under the sun, just different ways to look at it.

 

[DarkElastic]

Hi Sunk99,

Thanks for the read.

Good:
The story is set up well.
The intricate details are very nicely done, like the door closing switching the lights on.
The tension is built well with the ping-pong balls.

Not so Good:
The expressions 'work it' 'bummer' you don't need. This is a script, show us not tell us.
Break your action up to help the pacing and show the shots. It is so heavy with words. Simplify it and it will flow far better.
A lot of the dialogue seems unnecessary, e.g. "I'm sure." I would read the dialogue out loud, as some of it just doesn't read right.
I don't think legally word of mouth would work when it comes to a property. But that's nit-picky.

Overall, there are some really nice things here, but it's just too much. It becomes a slog to read. I'm not even sure at the end there is a payoff for getting through it... Straight away I thought, "was this house owned by Willy Wonka or Michael Jackson?" I think it needs work to work as a script, but as a story writer I think you would be very good. Well done.