Revenge

I liked it! Cool story and well written.

I loved the dialogue/V.O. Good structure and I love the supernatural element in the end!

Only gripe is the flashbacks. It just didn`t feel right, and I didn`t feel it added to the story. I like the last flashback when they stand in a circle around him, but I felt the ones during the shootout just ruined the flow of the scene.

But a really cool story and it was great. it really was!
 
Cheers.

I felt the flashback were needed to visually convey his story and journey.

With stylish white (dare I say "smash cuts") it would make the shoot out a more of a emotional/visual experience - rather than having him talk about it in voice over.

We need to experience that "dreaded" moment with him to make it much more than a bullet flying experience.

Thanks again

Sean
 
I think this script works really, really well. Sean, I think you've grown the most as a screenwriter since these scriptfests started. This is your best effort to date.

***SPOILERS***

"This round's on the sheriff" Excellent line!
 
Thanks man. Really means a lot when the hard work is noticed.

This script was a lot of fun to write as it contains a lot of story, action and drama into such a short running time.

It ended up being something I would love to shoot myself if I had access to the resources to do such.

Thanks again for reading and commenting.
 
wow

you structured this really well. the action was very accurate and didn't confuse me at all. i've only read a few, and no disrespect to other writers, but this is my favorite script thus far. a tip of my hat to you, sir.
 
Very good! I thought everything worked.

You really wrote the action well, it flowed nicely and was always clear as to what was happening.
You did a great job of using V.O., and flashbacks, intercutting them throughout. Its no easy task to use all those elements and make it work, but you did it.

The story had emotional impact and that gave all the action more weight. I liked the ending twist and it basically turns out to be a happy ending.

Great work Sean!
 
Thanks man. You seemed to catch all the elements I had in there - which means they worked.

Thanks again.
 
Hey there man!

This is a solid piece of work - but i think in part a little bit unoriginal but that is quite subjective and id like to talk about what i think rocked about it first. The voice over is well executed, the general atmosphere and descriptions are really exciting - and the macho ness of the hero is god like! The twist at the end is okay but seems a little tagged on for my liking.

The style of this story and its characterisations are brilliant - I love it and would love to see this get made into a short. But it is in my book a little circumstantial in some respects and that can make some of what occurs seem slightly superficial.

So our hero takes revenge after he is betrayed (the reason why in the script is basically nihilism, but i think it needs more you know?) There is a lot of macho style in the voice over - but it lacks depth. We basically have our hero flexing his muscles for 3 pages saying 'I AM GONNA KICK ASS AND CHEW BUBBLE GUM - and im alll outta gum!'

In a way this kind of reminded me of the movie remake they did of Yojimbo 'Last Man Standing' with Bruce Willis - where as Yojimbo and its depth (lost in that particular remake) is perhaps just the dose this script needs. Because with some depth (beyond the simple revenge and circumstantial ghost ending) this combined with the brilliant writing for the fights, style and characterisation would make this as kick ass as our heroe's gun toting ability!
 
Thanks.


Spoilers

Wouldn't agree it is tagged on as he didn't know he was dead.

He was so driven by revenge he felt he had forgotten how to live as explained in the final scene with the badges. But in fact he was so driven he forgot how to die....

Thanks for reading and comments.
 
Yeah but its a hell of an assumption ;) It didn't gel quite for me - but in the execution of the film perhaps thats an idea that can also be put on director wise. As a director and producer mainly I often think just how the realisation of a script can help put across ideas that one might find difficult to believe fully from the written page!

It wouldnt be fun getting feedback if you didn't get some frustrating criticisms about things you think are juuust perfect and fine already! hehe apparently my nude riot scene at the end of mine just wasnt good enough for some people hehe ;)
 
:)I can see the pitch for this now. Oh, you know, it's Outlaw Josey Wales meets Blade Runner meets High Plains Drifter meets Gladiator.:)

And therein lies my problem with this one. It's like an amalgam of things I've seen before.

You did some things well and others not so well. First, the Good:

I liked you protagonist. I felt his pain. And you did a good job with your use of flashback. They served the story well. I thought your bad guys were done well, too. Good gun fight.

Now, the Bad:
The voice over. I reread the opening and it was just as effective without the V.O. There was nothing in it that help tell the story. It felt as if it were done for style. The two spots the V.O. did work were the carry over to the flashback and Peter's "But we killed you!"

and, the Ugly:
HE'S ALREADY DEAD! Of course he wasn't afraid to die (as his V.O. tells us) because he's already dead. This just crushed what was looking to be a damned fine story for me. Even High Plains Drifter gave a little wiggle room (not much, though). And when the three of them were walking together through the grass, the ending of Gladiator flashed before my eyes.

Please excuse the whole The Good, the Bad and the Ugly thing. With the western theme, I couldn't help myself. :embarasse It makes the review sound more scathing than it is. As I said, you were on your way to a damned fine story but lost me when I found out he was already dead.

That's not going to be a deal breaker with everyone, though. I'm sure this would probably be fun to shoot AND you could find someone to shoot it. If we ever have a WesternFest, LossFest, or RevengeFest it might be cool to see someone shoot this.

I really am serious about his V.O., though. It plays just as well without it. Read it without it and think Blade Runner. While some like the V.O. in the theatrical release (I count myself as one of those) the majority seem to like the director's cut without the V.O. In your case, however, I prefer it without the bulk of the V.O., particularly in the opening.
 
Hey man, I read this and enjoyed it... but I also had a few things to mention.

The voice over at the beginning - I don't mind so much that it's there... I like voiceovers that get us into the mind of the main character as an introduction - plus the foreshadowing was a good plus. But, I think it could've been cut down or condensed a little into fewer lines.

The shootout in the bar was well written and I did not mind the flashback cuts interspersed in there, but one thing that did slow it a bit for me was the few voiceovers inbetween the action. I think the action would flow alot better without those - in script form and if it was ever produced.

And the ending - As some have said already it felt like a combination of the Sixth Sense and Gladiator. I must admit, in MOST cases I would not like a Sixth Sense ending but you went about it a little differently - so, in this case I found it acceptable. Also, because you really feel for the character and it's good to have him reunite with his family. I liked the fact that rage had been keeping him from resting peacefully and once he got his revenge, he could rest in peace.

Anyway, I hope some of this is helpful. None of that is meant to be criticism but rather just suggestions. It was well written, good job, man!
 
Thanks guys.

I'm a fan of VO when uses right, but often it is over used. In this case we're getting the gun fighters insight to a gunfight.

+ I guess you could compare a lot of movies + scenes to others - how many times have we seen "that clip" from the forgotten in movie and tv series (where the truck hits). Strong images are the hardest to forget.....

Thanks again.
 
Hey Sean,

I liked this - very slick, moody, stylish.

Some of the same issues as others. I like the V.O but think the voiceover on the first page slowed things down a little. Your lead makes a similar point a few times so you could easily cut some of this.

Also, maybe this is just me, but I wasn't sure what I should be picturing some of the time? This could take place in any era, which is great, but I felt I needed to be grounded better in the location and time of the story.

I also think there's a little over-exposition on what happened to his family - there are the flashbacks, the graves and he actually says it too. Don't think you need all this. Even just cutting some of the flashbacks would help the flow and pace.

Overall though, this is very well written. Snappy, great dialogue. A really dark and bitter tone that you set well from the start and a satisfying, logical close. The twist works too but again, you sort of shove it down our throats with the guy repeating that they already killed him, and him going to his own grave. Just a little tweaking and this would be more subtle and effective.

I'm just nit-picking, sorry - been doing some hardcore script editing myself lately :)

Great concept though and really, very well executed. A fun read.
 
I really enjoyed the first bar scene in this one. If you can write as well as that you can keep my attention without letting too much happen yet. The only thing that bugged me, and yes it's been said many times in this thread before, the voice-over. But for me it's just a matter of taste, I'm not a fan of voice-overs at all.

I think less plot and explaining would have made this a great script. You really had my attention when there wasn't much happening, but when a lot was happening plotwise, I lost attention. Still very good effort, I really liked the protagonist.
 
I just got a chance to take a look at your short script, and I like it very much. Very deft handling of the Western that could have gone melodramatic and cliched in a heartbeat - but didn't! The story flowed liked a crystal clear stream, and your use of flashback was seamless (to me) - I wasn't jolted from the story, rather seeds were planted that informed further what I was witnessing in a precise and non-gratuitous way. My trust for you as the storyteller grew as I read. :)

I loved the idea of "this round is on the sheriff"! Very neat button-up to the shots of whiskey laid out in the beginning ... I was very satisfied as a reader and silently tipped my hat.

I also liked very much - and tipped my hat to you again as a fellow storyteller - the use of the badges representing the many shields with which we endow our positions and titles to fend off our sense of fear and hate and vengeance (to name a few), and how these simply drop away once we're dead ... literally and figuratively in "Revenge"! :-D Good stuff.

Oh - and you held your cards so well that it never dawned on me - was never obvious to me - that John was a ghost, LOL! Again, kudos in avoiding one of the cliched traps you could have easily tumbled into.

A few things to mention (if you will pardon my presumption to do so):
In the sequence:

"John raises his head and Tom’s face drops as he reaches for
his gun.
TOM
You...How?

John stands and slides out of his wet rain coat as he draws
the two guns from under each arm.

John points his gun but is too slow to react. John pulls back
on each of the hammers and fires both weapons.

Tom is hit twice in the chest and is thrown backwards by the
impact of the bullets. He lands dead on the dirty wooden
floor of the bar."

... should it be written: TOM points his gun but is too slow to react? And then John nails him?

And:

"Both shots hit Jim and he is knocked backwards dead. John
swings around and aims at another target. This time it’s the
Bat Tender who cowers in the corner shaking."

I love vampires as much as the next guy, but there's only room for one ghoul in this ghost story, and shouldn't it be the BARTENDER rather than BAT TENDER? LMAO!

Well, excellent read Sean. Thank you for sharing, bro.
 
Instead of the V.O. at the beginning and other scenes where they are in the bar, or physically in the present, why not have him talking to the bartender, etc. Just actually have the dialogue in the scene. It can happen in the present instead of past tense.

Any V.O. that happens over the flashbacks works fine, so does the constant "But we killed you!" from Peter that torments John at the end.

I agree with Sarah about the over-exposition with the family.

"John points his gun but is too slow to react. John pulls back on each of the hammers and fires both weapons."
I was just confused by this sentence. What is John too slow to react to? or are the other men too slow to react and its a typo?

You had pain-stricken hero that I could really feel compassion for and some good villains. It all ties together with some great, well-written, descriptive action! I really liked the shootout immensely .
 
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