Regeneration

Bridget D.

Bridget D.

Member
Dead means dead... doesn't it?




Wow...talk about getting something done the last minute...couldn't let my friends down though.
 
Hi Bridget, very interesting concept.



SPOILERS



​


TECHIE STUFF​


This ...

MAN
(talking on the phone)
What?

You can save a line by putting the parenthetical next to the character heading, like this ...

MAN (PHONE)
What?

This ...

The man jumps out of the bed, glancing quickly at a girl
stirring on the other side of the bed.

No need to mention ‘bed’ twice. You can lose ‘of the bed’.

Also, industry standard prefers simple present verbs when at all possible, ING if you really hafta, or it just reads better!

Also, lose ‘the’ before Man, since Man is the characters name.

Try ...

Man jumps out of bed, glances quickly at a girl
stirring on the other side.

This ...

MAN
Yeah, yeah. Got it.

Needs an indicator he is still on the phone.

This ...

INT. CAR - EARLY MORNING

Standard spec scripts usually leave out time-specific slugs, such as dawn, evening, etc. When a script is cost out, producers need to separate day and night shots, so just put DAY or NIGHT. You can indicate time another way, like ‘the morning sun bathed his face....’

This ...

The man drives slowly down a residential street. He passes a
car sitting in front of a house and pulls into the driveway
of the dark house next door. As he drives around to the back
of the house and parks the car, he pulls out his phone and
makes a call.

A little clumsy with ‘house’ so many times. Also, does it really matter if the house is dark?

You have a ‘as’ action here which isn’t really logical ...

As he drives around to the back of the house and parks the car, he pulls out his phone and makes a call.

So, the entire time it takes him to pull around back and park, he is pulling out a cell phone?

You can tighten this up ...

Man drives slowly down a residential street. He passes a
car parked in front of a house, and pulls into the driveway
of the house next door. He drives around back
and parks, then pulls out his phone and makes a call.

This ...

MAN
They're already here.

VOICE ON THE PHONE
Miles, are you sure?

Again, need to indicate he is on the phone, even if you mention it in the action. Just to be extra clear. The second one should be ...

VOICE (THROUGH PHONE)
Miles, are you sure?

Or something to that effect.

Page 2

This ...

then reaches under his seat and pulls out his gun

We don’t know whose gun it is. Just say ‘a gun’.

This ...

As Miles jogs across the yard to the Quinta's house

How do we know it’s Quinta’s house? I read Quinta as a first name, but here it sounds like a family name.

This ...

QUINTA
(quickly grabbing his gun)
Who the hell sent YOU to help ME?

MILES
(a bit shocked)
Sydney James.

QUINTA
(hesitates, but motions
for him to get up)
Sydney's dead. Been dead for years.
Is that your car?

Too many parenthetical actions.

This ...

She nods towards the car sitting in the neighbor’s driveway.

I thought the car was around back.

Page 3

This ...

QUINTA
Caleb's men came to the door. Being
the nice girl I am, I invited them
in and then I shot them.

Great! Like her already.

Page 5

This ...

MILES
Babe, I am not feeling well. Could
you go get my nurse?

STACY
Sure, honey. I will be right back.

All that babe and honey stuff just doesn’t work all that well. It’s like overhearing two smitten love-birds in a coffee shop slather each other with sugary sweet-nothings. Somebody please throw water on them! Once or twice peppered around the story, but don’t lay it on thick. When Man (who I assume is Miles??) says babe in the opening scene, it works, and feels natural.

Page 6

This ...

Caleb was in here earlier
checking on you with your supposed
girlfriend - the girl I saw in the
car with him.

Miles has no reaction to this news?

This ...

Stacy is yelling from the window

Yelling what?

Were the two murdered doctors Quinta’s parents?


STORY​


I think Quinta is a very likeable character, and certainly your strongest. You could really develop her with more pages.

The story is good, but a few things feel unfinished. First is - why didn’t Miles react to the news about his girlfriend, and second, why does Celeb want Quinta dead, or hurt, or whatever it is he is up to?

Also, Quinta doesn’t seem to be too broken up about losing her special power. She treats it like losing a sock.

Anyways, I like the story a lot. Nice mix of old-fashioned action with a good human story. Needs a little fleshing out, but overall very nice.

AW
 
I loved how your damsel in distress turns the tables on her supposed protector. Great job on your first script, Bridget! :thumbsup:
 
I am glad you made it in time as well! It wouldn't have been the same without you! :)

I still hope that you pursue the original concept eventually, but I really like what you came up with here! The topic of regenerating humans is very intriguing... (I LOVE Wolverine!). And this script almost has the feel of Ender's Game at points with the evil brother and all. I like how Miles' girlfriend turned out to be a villain. Great opportunities for expansion with this idea and with character development. I wish I knew what was going to happen next. I want Miles and Quinta to fall in love and have little babies and a dog... possibly named Sweet Pea ;) :)
 
Thanks for the comments, Alex. I knew it still needed a lot of tweaking but just ran out of time because I am a classic procrastinator.

Just to answer a few of your questions about the story - my initial idea was that Miles was just sleeping with Stacy and had only recently met her. He loves his job, not women. Girlfriend was not the right word to use. I think he didn't have time to react to the fact that she was with Caleb. As for Caleb, he had a god complex and wanted to be the only one with the ability to regenerate and possibly live forever. And Quinta - she was groggy and weak from the formula they had given her.
 
jamiejay said:
I still hope that you pursue the original concept eventually, but I really like what you came up with here! Great opportunities for expansion with this idea and with character development. I wish I knew what was going to happen next. I want Miles and Quinta to fall in love and have little babies and a dog... possibly named Sweet Pea ;) :)
Click to expand...

Maybe I will...I was so bummed when I edited Sweetpea out of the story.
 
Fun script! I'd like to see more and see what happens now that they are on the run.

Where did they get the explosives to blow up the hospital room? Did they McGuyver something together?

The dialog seemed a little off with some of the sarcastic comments and lines, but I like seeing the relationship between the two main characters develop. Quitna turns out to be more than what the man bargained for, and I have a feeling over time that Quinta will start to see qualities in Miles that will make her like him more.

Great setup for something more!
 
MiataFilmSomething said:
Fun script! I'd like to see more and see what happens now that they are on the run.

Where did they get the explosives to blow up the hospital room? Did they McGuyver something together?
Click to expand...

Thanks and good question - I was thinking along the lines of the McGuyver thing. I know nothing about explosives and had no time to do any research - so I assume Miles would have been trained on how to do these things! I definitely think there is a sequel coming. Who knows - is Caleb even dead?
 
Bridget, you've got a lot of really good things going on in this script. I like how you started it out in the Lab, I'm already hooked, we've got goons and dead doctors and I want to know who Quinta is.
I know Alex already mentioned it , but this line is gold.

QUINTA
Caleb's men came to the door. Being
the nice girl I am, I invited them
in and then I shot them.​


Nice and direct, gives you an idea about her character. I love Quinta already.

One tech issue I don't think Alex mentioned. Always put characters with speaking parts in caps the first time they appear on screen, even if it's not there name.
Here's some lines from your script with CAPS that I added.

There is a mumble and then the MAN under the covers sits up
suddenly.


MILES(man)
Yes, I spotted Caleb's men. They're
watching the girl's house.


A GIRL steps out and points her gun at him.

QUINTA(girl)
Drop your poo pooing gun now​

You wrote the action well. I really wanted to see where it was going. I liked the relationship between Miles and Quinta.

I was really enjoying the ride and then it ended abruptly. Starting with the hospital scene everything is wrapped up quickly and without much explanation or emotion. It didn't match the energy that had built up to that point.

But I still really liked the story and thought it was an exciting read. For a first script, it shows a lot of potential.
 
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