PRECIPICE by Larry Sullivan
- Thread starter STYLZ
- Start date
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Nice!
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
I don't have any issues with your writing or storytelling, but I didn't get a strong alien component from the script. Given the theme, I can obviously see how an extraterrestrial component could be in play, but if I had read this script under different circumstances I would never have thought this was first contact with aliens. That's neither here nor there, but it was something I was expecting from the script and didn't get.
Still, thanks for the entertaining read and for entering the fest!
Still, thanks for the entertaining read and for entering the fest!
taylormade
Well-known member
I didn't really get this one. It comes off more as a drug buy gone bad than an alien encounter. Many, many sentences needed commas to break things up. I'd try to avoid the use of "is" as much as possible. Thanks for the read.
STYLZ
Well-known member
Definitely my worst short to date. I actually considered asking to have it pulled after I read it a couple days after submission. Every first contact story involves some grande epic contact. My vision was "what if first contact was some messege that slips through to a nobody via technology or drugs...or both. And lets throw in a near death experience." I just executed poorly as I haven't written anything in years. I'll make up for it next scriptfest 
taylormade
Well-known member
You wrote one and entered it - more than most do. No sense in posting if you think your stuff is perfect. It's supposed to be a learning experience for all of us, not an exercise in ego.
It's supposed to be a learning experience for all of us, not an exercise in ego.I don't think the shady guy actually being shady helps to bring intrigue.
What's the purpose of this line?
"I’m supposed to trust some shady
motherfucker I don’t know standing
out by an Albertson’s at midnight
selling drugs?"
Overall I liked the mystery of it, but I did guess it really early on. I don't want to call the story predictable, because I'm sure some people would be thrown off. But for me, from the first time we saw the strange guy, I knew he would be an alien and what would happen next.
If there are some underlying parallels and red herrings and such that I missed, that would make the story all the more interesting. Whenever drugs are involved, it's easy to blur reality and make the audience second-guess.
I do like the idea of using these drugs to communicate to humans.
But if you could add some layers to the story and some consequences, some stakes, it could be much better.
What's the purpose of this line?
"I’m supposed to trust some shady
motherfucker I don’t know standing
out by an Albertson’s at midnight
selling drugs?"
Overall I liked the mystery of it, but I did guess it really early on. I don't want to call the story predictable, because I'm sure some people would be thrown off. But for me, from the first time we saw the strange guy, I knew he would be an alien and what would happen next.
If there are some underlying parallels and red herrings and such that I missed, that would make the story all the more interesting. Whenever drugs are involved, it's easy to blur reality and make the audience second-guess.
I do like the idea of using these drugs to communicate to humans.
But if you could add some layers to the story and some consequences, some stakes, it could be much better.
Egg Born Son
Veteran
As others have mentioned, the alien component is only obvious by virtue of the fact it is alien fest. The drug angle overshadowed that interpretation but it didn't really fall apart until he returned to the parking lot. I think if you reimagined from that point and then rewrote the whole thing to fit the new direction it would work out pretty good.
My dad had a whole omnibus of alien/drug stories written (surprise surpise) sometime in the 60s/70s. There was a similar story in there where the aliens were selling some good 's*%t' down on the corner for a nickel a bag. The hippies were loving it, best high ever. The punchline was that they needed nickel to repair their spaceship and that the 's*%t' was their s*%t! A logic behind what the shady guy was up to, whether fully explained or not would have gone a long way. As far as I can make out (and only because I knew he was supposed to be an alien) his goal was to announce 'their' presence. It begs the question what motivation do they have for revealing themselves? Why use drug users to deliver the message? Why use drugs as the vehicle? What do the aliens think will happen next? Work out this logic and whether or not you fully explain it in the story it will come through. The audience will have some confidence that the writer at least does have some of these answers.
Other than that the big issue is that the story doesn't go anywhere. The beginning sets up a number of angles you could work and asks a number of questions in the reader's mind and I read on with interest. But it doesn't pay them off later in the script. You actually had me until he went back and the shady guy wasn't there. Nothing the shady guy says is really true and no reason or hint is given as to what he is really up to. Why say he'll be there if he won't? What is the reason for not being there? Why promise it will make him see more clearly? Why demand money if the goal is to announce the alien presence? It would have been better to have him make cryptic claims that make more sense after he tries the drug. Alternatively the drug angle could have been played stronger asking the question of whether the alien experience was even real. There's nothing in the competition that says the first contact can't be hallucinatory. Actually surprised noone did.
I don't mind the fact that he takes the drugs from a stranger. The hesitation and a musical cue would take care of that. And people do make bad decisions. And the idea of aliens making use of the drug community is certainly usable. It plays into the idea that aliens specifically target people that are isolated or lack credibility for visitations and abductions. The alien element just needed to be more prominent for this competition. You've used your imagination and thought outside the box. Doing this sometimes you hit, sometimes you miss. But this dangerous territory is where the best stories come from. Keep writing, this isn't as bad as you think and I see potential in this. Consider it a draft.
My dad had a whole omnibus of alien/drug stories written (surprise surpise) sometime in the 60s/70s. There was a similar story in there where the aliens were selling some good 's*%t' down on the corner for a nickel a bag. The hippies were loving it, best high ever. The punchline was that they needed nickel to repair their spaceship and that the 's*%t' was their s*%t! A logic behind what the shady guy was up to, whether fully explained or not would have gone a long way. As far as I can make out (and only because I knew he was supposed to be an alien) his goal was to announce 'their' presence. It begs the question what motivation do they have for revealing themselves? Why use drug users to deliver the message? Why use drugs as the vehicle? What do the aliens think will happen next? Work out this logic and whether or not you fully explain it in the story it will come through. The audience will have some confidence that the writer at least does have some of these answers.
Other than that the big issue is that the story doesn't go anywhere. The beginning sets up a number of angles you could work and asks a number of questions in the reader's mind and I read on with interest. But it doesn't pay them off later in the script. You actually had me until he went back and the shady guy wasn't there. Nothing the shady guy says is really true and no reason or hint is given as to what he is really up to. Why say he'll be there if he won't? What is the reason for not being there? Why promise it will make him see more clearly? Why demand money if the goal is to announce the alien presence? It would have been better to have him make cryptic claims that make more sense after he tries the drug. Alternatively the drug angle could have been played stronger asking the question of whether the alien experience was even real. There's nothing in the competition that says the first contact can't be hallucinatory. Actually surprised noone did.
I don't mind the fact that he takes the drugs from a stranger. The hesitation and a musical cue would take care of that. And people do make bad decisions. And the idea of aliens making use of the drug community is certainly usable. It plays into the idea that aliens specifically target people that are isolated or lack credibility for visitations and abductions. The alien element just needed to be more prominent for this competition. You've used your imagination and thought outside the box. Doing this sometimes you hit, sometimes you miss. But this dangerous territory is where the best stories come from. Keep writing, this isn't as bad as you think and I see potential in this. Consider it a draft.
STYLZ
Well-known member
Wow, some detailed reviews. Thanks for taking the time. You guys might be surprised to find out that I didn't intend for the Shady Guy to be labeled or thought of as an Alien. More of a semi unwittingly distributor of the "tools" necessary for the receipt of the message. The lack of an overt Alien feeling was intentional, albeit poorly executed. Once again the idea was "first Alien contact" might be some obscure signal received by some nobody through "questionable means". Intent was for the reader to question if the experience was real or not. Was it achieved through technology(TV), drugs, or a near death experience? OR all three? Instead I left questions unanswered, a story unresolved and abundant confusion. But damn it still seems awesome in my head and it would be relativey easy to actually make(with some rewrites of course).
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Here is the review. Some of this may be repeated above.
- Why a huge gap before Fade In.
- Is this interaction in any way supposed to be realistic. From his '**** off' to his accepting the drug, it all seems wrong to me.
- Ok, maybe Jason is the kind of guy to just buy drugs at an Albertsons.
Uh, I didn't get it. Ok, the drug was a conduit for the alien's to talk, but it could've just been is subconscious. Just look up DMT. But back to the I don't get it part. So this was a story of a guy who broke up and tried a new drug which let alien's talk to him. So maybe I got that right, but why? I think there is a deeper meaning here that I'm missing.
- Why a huge gap before Fade In.
- Is this interaction in any way supposed to be realistic. From his '**** off' to his accepting the drug, it all seems wrong to me.
- Ok, maybe Jason is the kind of guy to just buy drugs at an Albertsons.
Uh, I didn't get it. Ok, the drug was a conduit for the alien's to talk, but it could've just been is subconscious. Just look up DMT. But back to the I don't get it part. So this was a story of a guy who broke up and tried a new drug which let alien's talk to him. So maybe I got that right, but why? I think there is a deeper meaning here that I'm missing.
Wow, some detailed reviews. Thanks for taking the time. You guys might be surprised to find out that I didn't intend for the Shady Guy to be labeled or thought of as an Alien. More of a semi unwittingly distributor of the "tools" necessary for the receipt of the message. The lack of an overt Alien feeling was intentional, albeit poorly executed. Once again the idea was "first Alien contact" might be some obscure signal received by some nobody through "questionable means". Intent was for the reader to question if the experience was real or not. Was it achieved through technology(TV), drugs, or a near death experience? OR all three? Instead I left questions unanswered, a story unresolved and abundant confusion. But damn it still seems awesome in my head and it would be relativey easy to actually make(with some rewrites of course).
I think with any story involving drugs or other hallucinogens, the main intent should never be "Was it real or not?". It's just way too basic of an angle to take and brings entirely nothing new to the table. It also requires little effort. I think you would be better served to flip that on its head and have the protag desperately want to meet aliens. Even going so far as to invent a drug for himself that he believes will allow him to contact them. This way you not only explore what's real or not, you get to explore what others(the people around him) believe are real or not. How they interpret this character. How this character reacts to the world. How he validates his actions, his work, his existence. You are given so much more freedom and you can do so much more with this angle. Films like Take Shelter and Life Aquatic are excellent examples. And both films provide some of the greatest moments of catharsis in film.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
As I was reading this I thought you were going to step into my short 'Sleeper's territory. Where a dude receives alien TV and Phone signals..... watch it here. http://vimeo.com/10647057
dtroop506
Active member
LOL
"There is never an inappropriate time to plug a short."
Chris Keaton
To see my other quotes go to Keatonponders.com
To order a DVD of me sitting and writing my newest short go to Keatonwrites.com
:thumbsup:
dtroop506
Active member
Larry,
Sorry about that. Sometimes Keaton gets a little carried away.
Just a few quick notes while I was reading...
Do sideways baseball caps really exist? I have to use a regular cap and physically turn it by hand.
Your description and action lines are a little wordy. Also you write in the Present Continuous Tense (is leaning, is standing...) instead of the Present Perfect tense ( leans, stands...). Other people call this passive writing.
If you have to use wrilies (most writers just let the actors act) don't use them to describe action.
Although there are some people (like my wife) who don't use punctuation when they talk, it is best to use commas, periods, and apostrophes when writing dialogue.
Jason begins to write on the piece of paper (Jason writes on the piece of paper.)
Blood starts to trickle down onto his upper lip (Blood trickles down onto his upper lip.)
Sorry about that. Sometimes Keaton gets a little carried away.
Just a few quick notes while I was reading...
Do sideways baseball caps really exist? I have to use a regular cap and physically turn it by hand.
Your description and action lines are a little wordy. Also you write in the Present Continuous Tense (is leaning, is standing...) instead of the Present Perfect tense ( leans, stands...). Other people call this passive writing.
If you have to use wrilies (most writers just let the actors act) don't use them to describe action.
Although there are some people (like my wife) who don't use punctuation when they talk, it is best to use commas, periods, and apostrophes when writing dialogue.
Jason begins to write on the piece of paper (Jason writes on the piece of paper.)
Blood starts to trickle down onto his upper lip (Blood trickles down onto his upper lip.)
Jason wakes up from the bathroom floor where he had passed out from exhaustion. He heads to his couch and plops down,face in his hands. Dropping his hands he stares at the blank TV.
- You don't have to explain why Jason was on the floor.
- You didn't change locations. Is there a sofa and TV in the bathroom?
INT. BATHROOM - MORNING
Jason wakes up on the floor. He looks around, then stands - exhausted.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jason shuffles over to the couch and sits. He wipes his face with his hands then stares at the blank television screen.
I read your notes above. I wasn't under the impression the Shady Guy was an alien at all. I thought he was a "pusher" for an alien who wanted Earth to know of his existence. But informing Earth of alien life one pot head at a time seems a little time consuming. And of course, who would believe a pot head?
Overall, your script could use a rewrite to improve your formatting.
The premise isn't bad. Maybe have Jason try to inform someone of his experience by spreading more alien crack.
- You don't have to explain why Jason was on the floor.
- You didn't change locations. Is there a sofa and TV in the bathroom?
INT. BATHROOM - MORNING
Jason wakes up on the floor. He looks around, then stands - exhausted.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jason shuffles over to the couch and sits. He wipes his face with his hands then stares at the blank television screen.
I read your notes above. I wasn't under the impression the Shady Guy was an alien at all. I thought he was a "pusher" for an alien who wanted Earth to know of his existence. But informing Earth of alien life one pot head at a time seems a little time consuming. And of course, who would believe a pot head?
Overall, your script could use a rewrite to improve your formatting.
The premise isn't bad. Maybe have Jason try to inform someone of his experience by spreading more alien crack.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
I was disappointed that this wasn't real... How am I supposed t remember all of these things.
STYLZ
Well-known member
Larry,
Sorry about that. Sometimes Keaton gets a little carried away.
Just a few quick notes while I was reading...
Do sideways baseball caps really exist? I have to use a regular cap and physically turn it by hand.
Your description and action lines are a little wordy. Also you write in the Present Continuous Tense (is leaning, is standing...) instead of the Present Perfect tense ( leans, stands...). Other people call this passive writing.
If you have to use wrilies (most writers just let the actors act) don't use them to describe action.
Although there are some people (like my wife) who don't use punctuation when they talk, it is best to use commas, periods, and apostrophes when writing dialogue.
Jason begins to write on the piece of paper (Jason writes on the piece of paper.)
Blood starts to trickle down onto his upper lip (Blood trickles down onto his upper lip.)
Jason wakes up from the bathroom floor where he had passed out from exhaustion. He heads to his couch and plops down,face in his hands. Dropping his hands he stares at the blank TV.
- You don't have to explain why Jason was on the floor.
- You didn't change locations. Is there a sofa and TV in the bathroom?
INT. BATHROOM - MORNING
Jason wakes up on the floor. He looks around, then stands - exhausted.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jason shuffles over to the couch and sits. He wipes his face with his hands then stares at the blank television screen.
I read your notes above. I wasn't under the impression the Shady Guy was an alien at all. I thought he was a "pusher" for an alien who wanted Earth to know of his existence. But informing Earth of alien life one pot head at a time seems a little time consuming. And of course, who would believe a pot head?
Overall, your script could use a rewrite to improve your formatting.
The premise isn't bad. Maybe have Jason try to inform someone of his experience by spreading more alien crack.
Excellent notes.
STYLZ
Well-known member
HAHA, that's awesome.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Yeah, I just wish they had used a better camera and didn't add a totally unnecessary scene with the maid that couldn't act.
Craighoit
Active member
The drug angle worked for me, but I suspect it could have worked a little harder. There is something intriguing about the notion of an alien race needing humans to take some organic substance to "open up" the pathways of communication. Sort of like the William Blake "Doors of Perception" thing - Oliver Stone does a pretty good job of this in his movie The Doors. I just wish the why and the how had been explained or explored more. Perhaps it was and I simply missed it. Most sci-fi tends to deal in the wires. The hardware. The stuff that's made of metal. There is huge possibilities for it being fresh and innovative when it drifts more into the chemical and natural I think (and I must as a parent put in a plug for "Just say no" for here - karma).
As far as the dialogue - my sense is that some of Jason's wasn't needed or could have been less on the nose. His first "F**k off" maybe is better as just ignoring the guy... and his "I'm supposed to trust..." line felt like you're explaining story a bit rather than revealing character if that makes sense. We (and Jason) know he shouldn't trust this, so I think you could use this line to better convey this uncertainty and maybe hint that Jason may in fact take this guy up on the deal. And if you feel you need to show him feeling uncomfortable about the deal maybe the line references a recent celebrity death or something of that nature.... not sure.
Anyway, a good read. Thanks
Craig
As far as the dialogue - my sense is that some of Jason's wasn't needed or could have been less on the nose. His first "F**k off" maybe is better as just ignoring the guy... and his "I'm supposed to trust..." line felt like you're explaining story a bit rather than revealing character if that makes sense. We (and Jason) know he shouldn't trust this, so I think you could use this line to better convey this uncertainty and maybe hint that Jason may in fact take this guy up on the deal. And if you feel you need to show him feeling uncomfortable about the deal maybe the line references a recent celebrity death or something of that nature.... not sure.
Anyway, a good read. Thanks
Craig