Please give me your thoughts.

Robbie Comeau

Robbie Comeau

Como's back. back again
I am doing a Health and Safety video to explain why stress isn't, and shouldn't be tolerated in the Workplace.

Please, read this script, and give me your thoughts on it. Dialog wise, and story wise. I thought I would get more noticed in the cafe.



Code: 
          INT.OFFICE.EVENING                                               
                                                                           
          Wide shot of a lady working at her desk. Slow zoom in as she     
          rubs her head in tiredness, and agony.                           
                                                                           
          Shot on the clock. It says,                                      
                                                                           
          7:43.                                                            
                                                                           
          She’s obviously been working late.                               
                                                                           
          Close up on her face looking down, she looks depressed.          
                                                                           
                              VOICE OVER                                   
                    Thousands of workers each year are                     
                    in an emotional state of stress.                       
                    Factors that result in stress can                      
                    be work over load, shift work, and                     
                    isolation.                                             
                                                                           
          Various shots of her writing on paper.           
                                                                           
          The words pop up on to the screen after each word is said.       
                                                                          
          End the shot of worker looking around the room, lonely.                                                                          
                             
                         VOICE OVER                                   
                         (CON’T)                                           
                    Stress can also cause damage to the                    
                    human body itself. Increase in                         
                    blood pressure, decrease in                            
                    protein, and blood clotting are                        
                    just some of the examples of what                      
                    stress can do.                                         
                                                                           
          WS of worker at desk. Time lapse of people whizzing by and       
          she is still at work. The VO is as follows:                      
                                                                           
                              VOICE OVER                                   
                         (CON’T)                                           
                    Signs of stress can be identified                      
                    by your own employees, recognizing                     
                    the Physical, Behavioral, and                          
                    Psychological aspect.                                  
                                                                           
                                                              FADE OUT     
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           

                                                                  2.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
          INT.LIVING ROOM                                                  
                                                                           
          The lady sits in a sofa, reading a book with a smile.            
                                                                           
                              VOICE OVER                                   
                         (CON’T)                                           
                    What can we do to stop this? Taking                    
                    a moment out of the day for quality                    
                    time with yourself is an excellent                     
                    way to get your self stress free.                      
                                                                           
                                                                           
          INT.DOCTORS OFFICE                                               
                                                                           
          Lady is now talking with a doctor.                               
                                                                           
                              VOICE OVER                                   
                         (CON’T)                                           
                    If that doesn’t help, medical and                      
                    psychological assistance would help                    
                    with high percentage of a cure.                        
                                                                           
                                                              FADE OUT     
                                                                           
                              VOICE OVER                                   
                    Don’t let work control your body.                      
                    You are the one in power and you                       
                    have the right to take time off if                     
                    you feel stressed.


Thanks!

Robbie
 
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I'd ditch the voiceover and use a narrative approach. You basically sound like you have someone reading from a brochure and some supporting visuals. way too boring. Grab your audience and make them think. Best PA I've ever seen - some other cities DHS/CPS PA against domestic abuse. Opens with husband and wife arguing in a kitchen. Violence ensues and he backhands her. But the action was mosaiced out. The next shot is kids looking at their fighting parents. Words and VO: "This has been censored for your protection (pause) It wasn't for theirs (the kids)." ****ing brilliant. Maybe a little edgy for stress in the workplace (which isnt all that bad of a thing and quite the necessary evil in my opinion, but thats not what this post is about), but do something that gets the attention of the viewer and isnt just another boring PA.
 
Narrative as in create a short drama out of it. give your actress and anyone else actual lines and let them tell the story and show how stress affects people. Maybe not even lines. The VO is just reading the textbook facts. Save the VO til the end to drive the message home. Make it a marriage ender. I just see this playing out like a bad children in India PA where they say 1 million kids die everyday and you need to send in your money as they show a bunch of sick kids. I dont feel any connection to the sick kids because I'm not drawn in at all and hence dont give a crap about them. Make me care about your stressed out worker. Draw me into her world and make me not want her to be so stressed and end her marriage (or something). Right now shes just a stressed out person on the screen. Maybe have the boss walk in and demand some work from her, and she says ok and gets frustrated and then her husband calls and asks if they're still on for dinner or to go watch their sons baseball game but she has to cancel and he gets pissy with her and it all piles into a shitstorm. Make me go wow shes stressed and that sucks. Then start the VO and tell me how I can fix it etc etc. Right now its just b-roll and VO. Imagine its a radio spot instead. You just having some guy talking and reading whats in the "stress in the workplace" brochure. Pretty boring. Make it come alive and make me want to keep watching.
 
VO is almost always bad in this sort of thing. Make it more like a story is what jdajda is saying, that way it will be much more interesting and more people will likely remember it.
 
Seems like the standard informational video, the kind that's painful to sit through. Again, try to make a story out of it or do something interesting if at all possible.
 
Robbie Comeau said:
What do you mean by Narrative Approach?
Click to expand...

The narrative approach offers the advantage of showing-it-not-telling-it. There's more potential impact in seeing something you recognize from your own workplace experience, than in being told that you are seeing it...

FADE IN: URBAN HI-RISE OFFICE

FRANK sits at the Scandinavian-Modern reception desk in the SMERSH Agency's sunlit lobby. He chats quietly on his headset phone.

SFX - *DING*

The polished elevator doors open, and MARY strides out, thumbing shells into a twelve-gauge coach gun and snapping it closed. She levels the gun in Frank's face.

FRANK
What's the matter, Mary?

MARY
(bellows)
I GOT STRESS!

Frank and Mary turn to the camera.

FRANK/MARY
Does this ever happen in *your* workplace?

etc

etc





I dunno. Maybe sort of like that.
 
Now thats a story Max! And an attention getter. I can already see the shot looking straight down the barrel from Franks POV. Maybe after Frank and Mary pose the question William Shatner could walk on and talk about the seriousness of stress in the workplace.
 
Robbie Comeau said:
Most of the entries have voice over.
Click to expand...

Then it is probably a good idea not to have voice over. Those readers sit there and tirelessly labor over script after script most no good. You need something that grabs them...

Fact based voice over is not going to do that. Although Max may have embellished the case a tad he is heading in the right direction. Show us...don't tell us.
 
That's why I chose STRESS as the topic. Not as cliché. It's an impact, but not really physically. Most of the entries are pain inflicted, and hurting your self. I thought stress would be a little less played out, yet it still involves to be noticed in the workplace.
 
Ahh so you picked stress - I thought it was the theme for the contest. I'd do personal safety on the job if it were me. Stress (to me) is one of those things that could totally backfire on you. You have to have stress in the workplace or nothing would ever get done. We've done a fair number of HSE (health, safety, environment) videos and each one has been about physical safety. Thats because they were necessary. Because people screwed up and cut their fingers off. Not enough building jumpers to make a stress video worthwhile in my opinion. I would hazard to guess that 90% of what the board sponsoring the contest deals with is physical injury prevention. I've been wrong before though, so dont take my word for gospel :) Just my advice.
 
well, so is too much safety :) Too much stress in the workplace is one of those things that is hard to policy and objectify. Safety is easy to objectify, easy to policy, and easy to track. Its a numbers game and very few (if any) companies chart the stress of their employees.
 
But like I said jdajda, I did stress because most entries are usually thought up as physically pain inflicted (getting hit in the eye, breaking back, tripping, bla bla bla)
Where as Stress is more emotion, spiritual. Just thought it would be different, yeah know?

See where I'm getting at?:)
 
Yeah I totally see where your coming from, I'm just saying what I'd do. Doing stress isnt a bad idea by any means but you asked for opinions and advice and I'm just saying what I'd do and why I would do it. And bear in mind I make bad decisions all the time :) So if you are set on doing stress then do it. You can definitely make it work. Is it better than doing just plain ol Safety? That's where we disagree and thats fine.

And on a side note thanks for keeping this all civil. You take criticism well and I enjoy these types of discussions (that dont become yelling matches) about what will or wont work in a particular situation for a particular client. In this case I would blame the client for not telling you what they want :) They have a need and just want you to guess what it is which can be frustrating but sadly is pretty normal from what I've seen. Anyways... So you sticking with the VO? Just curious.
 
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