One Minute Short Film

Jeremy Ordan

Jeremy Ordan

Major Contributor
Hey all. This is my first post for films that I have done, but I would like some constructive critism to help me get better.

This is a one minute film I shot a couple of weeks ago. The footage is all 100% unprocessed (no magic bullet) 24p footage. In the flashback I used Vegas' contrast and black & white effect.

The sound was captured on an ME66/K6 (I had to rent a mic and this is what I got).

Please rip this apart and point out specific areas where I could get better. I know I need to take the camera off the tripod more often, or move the camera more. Either way, any help would be appreciated. Thanks so much!

www.stffilms.com/test.htm
 
I render it in Vegas on PC. That's why traditionally I do a wmv to prevent that hiss, quicktime always gives me that sound...
 
I have to agree that it is flat...all around. Forget the colors...way blown out for my own taste in most areas.

I am all about the story. I will disect it this way. These people had to come from somewhere..have a story or an edge. In the dream sequence you have this rough looking dude attacking this woman and then in the flashfoward he is all suave, slick and GQ looking...say what?

The girl on the other hand looks like some type of battered housewife in the flashback...yet in the flashforward she takes this Lara Croft style and attitude..I ask why? Forget the fact that she arrives not in a kick ass motorcycle or some sort of cool all terrain vehicle.....she arrives in a Toyota Camry style car. No scoping out the terrain or anything intruiging..with an edge. She just calmy walk to the door...knock knock..ding dong..hello there SOB...BANG the end! If that is not a filmic wham bam thank you ma'am I do not know what it is then.

I say too predictable...seen to many times type of theme. Not ripping you apart or anything just giving you my honest opinion. Forget the fact that most of the scenes might be in a tipod...those are technicalities. To many people get caught in the tools and styles and yet forget to work on the story..no matter if it is a minute or a second.

As a viewer I want to be intruigued, I want to look at this piece and say..man give me more. It could be a combination of things..flat colors, flat story and flat actors.

That's my honest opinion I just would hate for you to get the typical.."Way cool man!"..."awesome story!" I kinda get tired of those comments when it is obvious that a piece need some work as it does not allow you to honestly work on your craft. But hey...at least you are doing it and trying and for that I give you an A+
 
Hey Yankee, I loved the camera work. Overall, it was a cool little short!

I would suggest adjusting the brightness and contrast levels. It should be a quick fix. Bump up the contrast, lower the brightness. It seems too washed out, even if you were going for that kind of look. Also, the music was a bit overbarring compared to the voice over. I would lower the music and turn up the VO track. Other than those quick fixes, I liked it! Would love to see more of this story!
 
I appreciate the feedback so far, and look forward to more of it. This cut was for a one min entry, hence the completed stripped story. I'm in the process of putting together a longer one that goes into a bit more of the back story and assault. I certainly appreciate the feedback so far though.
 
Super8 said:
That's my honest opinion I just would hate for you to get the typical.."Way cool man!"..."awesome story!" I kinda get tired of those comments when it is obvious that a piece need some work as it does not allow you to honestly work on your craft. But hey...at least you are doing it and trying and for that I give you an A+
Click to expand...

This is why I posted it here. I want to get the feedback to get better.
 
I'm going to rerender this project and post another link when it's done and converted...

Pretty much I want to try to focus on the contrast issue as well as just making it... I don't know, a bit more visually stimulating. I will also try to adjust the levels with the audio so the voiceover doesn't get so washed out with the piano thing.

In the mean time, if anyone has anything else to add regarding this version, please let me know. I am just looking for the feedback, thanks!
 
Yankee
I think anyone that has the passion and drive to go out and shoot a short needs to be congratulated and engouraged. I don't know what your history is and the purpose of shooting this piece, so specific criticism is tough. If this was for a bit of weekend fun with mates then great. If it was to get to grips with your camera and play with storytelling, compesition and editing then great. I think someone has already touched on this but it feels like a scene in a film not a film. Start with the idea, a good story is a good story however badly it's told. A bad story is a bad story however well it's told.
 
You need an original story man, this is like watching Kill Bill compressed into a single minute, there's no real point. That movie and movies of the type are never about the backstory or what have you(even thou they have it it's just to push the story along), they're about how far someone goes for revenge. When you take the action away from a genre movie that has a weak backstory style on purpose, the movie is pointless. Also in that short of a time constraint there is no need for a flashback, too much time wasted.

On a technical note she says life much too fast and the music kicks in the same second drowning out her voice. A better approach would be to say something like:

"I'm going to take from you what you took from me..."

quick cut away to a reaction shot of the Bill guy
cut to a tightening of her grip on the gun handle
then have her say: "life" which complete silence and wait one beat, then she pulls the trigger and you hear a SINGLE gunshot(and you'll need a better gunshot sound effect for that).

I think that adds way more tension to your scene.

Good effort thou get curnin' the flicks out and they'll only get better.
 
The modified version looks much better than the first, but it's still too bright... It's a dark clip, the lighting I think should reflect that...

SmithHouse

... and if you do reshoot, try having the guy opening the door with the girls back to him... He can check her out for a minute before she turns around and realize that it's a girl from his past that he violated.
 
I appreciate everyone's feedback. For as much as I learned regarding some additional production details while doing this project I ended up learning a lot more from the feedback on this board.

I look at this project in more of an educational step forward in developing style, both on the front end (production) and back end (post production). I just want to thank everyone for the feedback.
 
Still too washed out for my taste - even modified. From the look of the shadows, it seems you shot the car and walk to the doorway around midday when the sun is directly overhead. A morning or afternoon shoot would do wonders in and of itself. The location was also a bit generic - typical apartment complex. That can work to your advantage - when the fantastic meets the mundane, but I found it distracting in this case. Maybe play up the generic, cookie cutter aspect of the apartments somehow while accentuating how out of the ordinary this assination would be in that environment.

Congrats for getting something on tape, edited, and put on display for public viewing. I'm sure you learned a shitload and I look forward to viewing the extended version.
 
maybe, for fun. Instead of her being super goth'd out. She could be dressed up like a housewife. Like a mother from the 50's. I don't know something intresting or different.
(I'm tired so that may not make sense)

Anyway, if you do reshoot. I think you should let the actors say dialouge that feels comfortable. and totally get rid of the flash back.
 
The second one was much better; however, I agree with some that this would benefit from a darker overall video tone and a location change. Try this...maybe explore more in depth what the characters would be like and do if this had happened to them in reality. From the cars and clothes to location and even time of day, things would more than likely not go down as you filmed it. In other words, there is an element of unbelievability to it. However...I liked the concept and some of your effects were pretty cool too.

Happy filming,
Prof.D
La.
 
Calibrate your monitor Yankee. Your whites are blown out into the stratosphere; waaayyyyy over 100 IRE (Check your Videscopes when playing with contrast and gamma)

Is this due to tweaking in post or did you capture the footage true? Use your Zebras!

Everything else is subjective; rudimentary IMO. Keep shooting and studying.
 
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