New Short....
- Thread starter brock2621
- Start date
alex whitmer
Veteran
you get a 9.7!
Two things ...
overused the word impressive.
After they flew through the wall, the guy stands and is just ducking down. Could have used one of your fast motions nano-blips there as he passed through, then smash to black.
probably ditto on the bodies.
alex
www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
Two things ...
overused the word impressive.
After they flew through the wall, the guy stands and is just ducking down. Could have used one of your fast motions nano-blips there as he passed through, then smash to black.
probably ditto on the bodies.
alex
www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
brock2621
Well-known member
Thanks Alex 
What's funny is that the last impressive was an improv by my actor and I didn't notice because there was such a long time between takes. It's like 3 times in 30 seconds. Thanks for your input! That's a really strong score!! I probably would have given myself an 8 or so. Howz writing going?
What's funny is that the last impressive was an improv by my actor and I didn't notice because there was such a long time between takes. It's like 3 times in 30 seconds. Thanks for your input! That's a really strong score!! I probably would have given myself an 8 or so. Howz writing going?
alex whitmer
Veteran
Well, the main ingredient all-but-missing is why all this happens?
Lot of great backstory that leads up to what we see could happen, as well as some moments with husband and wife to show that relationship.
I think one of my favorite cuts was early on when the couple is kissing, and the cut to the guy getting beat. Smokin'!
We can certainly chat about the 90 min ideas.
a
Lot of great backstory that leads up to what we see could happen, as well as some moments with husband and wife to show that relationship.
I think one of my favorite cuts was early on when the couple is kissing, and the cut to the guy getting beat. Smokin'!
We can certainly chat about the 90 min ideas.
a
Noah
Well-known member
Just watched it now... or at least part of it. To be honest I couldn't sit past 8 minutes. I lost interest/hope for where the film was going. There was nothing about this guy that made me care about him - yes he's in a terrible situation, but for all I know he could deserve to be there. In those first 8 minutes we don't really find out much at all. It's a lot of him just aimlessly running/driving. It all just seemed so expected. Good effort on the visuals. I thought the sound/music was overly stylistic and it drew attention to itself. The one thing I really did enjoy was the sequence where he breaks free and knocks the guy through the wall, although, as mentioned before, it doesn't really make sense that he can just wiggle his way out of handcuffs. At first I thought he intentionally broke his hand to get through, but then in a later scene you show his hand in fine shape. I'm sure the story is revealed more as the film concludes, but I needed more along the way to keep me intrigued and watching.
brock2621
Well-known member
Hey Noah,
Thanks for your feedback. This project started out as just a car scene but it rained the day i was supposed to do that so all i had was interior car. It kinda grew outta that. It was purposefully a minimalistic story, but you should really finish it if you want to get a gist of what is happening. That's usually what you do before reviewing a film anyways.
I checked out your site, i liked the commercial. What was your setup?
Thanks for your feedback. This project started out as just a car scene but it rained the day i was supposed to do that so all i had was interior car. It kinda grew outta that. It was purposefully a minimalistic story, but you should really finish it if you want to get a gist of what is happening. That's usually what you do before reviewing a film anyways.
I checked out your site, i liked the commercial. What was your setup?
Noah
Well-known member
Shot on the HVX, no adapter, had some promist and other filters in front of the lens, but I don't remember what exactly. Had the camera connected to a 23" monitor at all times for myself as a director's monitor. Originally planned to shoot on the Brevis, but the battery was all messed up when I got it so that didn't work out. I'm actually very glad we didn't shoot on it. We lit to preserve shadow and highlight detail, but kept some of the contrast there as I knew very specifically how I wanted the image to look after post. Once we had the first shot, we rolled off a few seconds and took 5 minutes to play around on the computer to make sure that the unprocessed footage we we're getting would be suitable.
xyouthx
Well-known member
I enjoyed it a lot!! felt that the "flashbacks" was a bit overdone, but the shots were incredible. may I ask, towards the end, when there was the final montage before he passed out, and there were the blue hues streaking in and out of the shot, how was that done exactly? That's a new one to me.
Tim Joy
Veteran
Yeah!!!
I liked it. It kept me in the story 90% of the time. I watched it twice just to catch the things I missed the first go. You get what is going on and there is some tension and drama in the first 10 seconds. Most shorts wait until -NEVER- for something to HAPPEN. Thank You. Editing, great. Look of it, great. It's a gritty look for a gritty story. That fight scene through the wall was bitchin'
Criticisms-
The first knife cut makup looked fake. i don't know why. It took me out of the story.
The audio for the "what number are we on" could've been processed like they were talking on radio cause they're all set up to do their part of the game/test. It sounded like you recorded it in your editing room. (felt that way) Same with the end VO's
Story Things, in no particular order-
When he finally gets to the girl, I thought maybe "they" put something in the syringe that was gonna kill her, instead of saving her. A little trickery, and she was trying to say "no no"... Could've showed him questioning that.
I think once he got the gun, the trigger should've been pulled. BANG! Why would he not shoot him? The drugs maybe? Then you can have the surprise that the gun had blanks in it. The guy passes out, then the bad guy "comes alive" and says, "f**k, another one failed" Maybe he shoots at the girl for fun, so the audience knows it had blanks. I don't know, just ideas.
What is it that they are trying to get the guy(s) to do? Look around before he enters the room, so the bad guy doesn't sneek up behind, as any trained soldier would?
If this was all really a test, and they've done it so many times, does the girl really have to take the poison? Wouldn't she just fake it? Then, she could be disgusted when it's over and storm off..."you said I'd have to do this a couple times tops! it's been 50!...look at my arm, I can't get a date, i want more money, it's never gonna work!..."blah blah blah.
So they are trying to create the perfect soldier that doesn't die because of genetic modification so he can't be killed, like a zombie without the dazed and confusededness? Or is it a psych thing where his mind is played with and imprinted so he does whatever they want and always thinks he's saving his chick?
They were asking him at the beginning, "tell me where it is..." Is there really an IT? You could've played more on that storyline, either that he can't remember, or remembers snippets, or that he does remember and can't tell them because...
I thought the whole reverse time thing was cool, but unnecessary. I thought instead, you should've had a montage of all the different ways that the previous test subjects died before, then you can see that this one really DID make it far and was impressive impressive. (sorry, couldn't help that one, take out one of those impressives)
The music all worked very well, except the 2nd to last cue when he gets to the girl. Either it didn't fit, or, I feel it would be more erie without it. You could do a cool quiet ambiance in the BG of a big empty wearhouse. He is hyper-aware, breathing heavy, looking for her, in pain, thumb hurts like hell, thinks he hears something, remembers, "hey, how DID she answer the phone, being all tied up as she was? There must be someone ELSE in here!!" It would also give you a chance to make things quiet before the big finale, which would give it more punch.
Why is it called VISCERAL? Don't get it. A more fitting title me thinks would be better.
Sorry if you think I'm tearing it to shreds. I know I would appreciate it if you did the same to me. When I have something that I feel is on this level, I'll put it up for your critiques. Overall, I was into it and thought you did a great job. Keep it up.
Tim
I liked it. It kept me in the story 90% of the time. I watched it twice just to catch the things I missed the first go. You get what is going on and there is some tension and drama in the first 10 seconds. Most shorts wait until -NEVER- for something to HAPPEN. Thank You. Editing, great. Look of it, great. It's a gritty look for a gritty story. That fight scene through the wall was bitchin'
Criticisms-
The first knife cut makup looked fake. i don't know why. It took me out of the story.
The audio for the "what number are we on" could've been processed like they were talking on radio cause they're all set up to do their part of the game/test. It sounded like you recorded it in your editing room. (felt that way) Same with the end VO's
Story Things, in no particular order-
When he finally gets to the girl, I thought maybe "they" put something in the syringe that was gonna kill her, instead of saving her. A little trickery, and she was trying to say "no no"... Could've showed him questioning that.
I think once he got the gun, the trigger should've been pulled. BANG! Why would he not shoot him? The drugs maybe? Then you can have the surprise that the gun had blanks in it. The guy passes out, then the bad guy "comes alive" and says, "f**k, another one failed" Maybe he shoots at the girl for fun, so the audience knows it had blanks. I don't know, just ideas.
What is it that they are trying to get the guy(s) to do? Look around before he enters the room, so the bad guy doesn't sneek up behind, as any trained soldier would?
If this was all really a test, and they've done it so many times, does the girl really have to take the poison? Wouldn't she just fake it? Then, she could be disgusted when it's over and storm off..."you said I'd have to do this a couple times tops! it's been 50!...look at my arm, I can't get a date, i want more money, it's never gonna work!..."blah blah blah.
So they are trying to create the perfect soldier that doesn't die because of genetic modification so he can't be killed, like a zombie without the dazed and confusededness? Or is it a psych thing where his mind is played with and imprinted so he does whatever they want and always thinks he's saving his chick?
They were asking him at the beginning, "tell me where it is..." Is there really an IT? You could've played more on that storyline, either that he can't remember, or remembers snippets, or that he does remember and can't tell them because...
I thought the whole reverse time thing was cool, but unnecessary. I thought instead, you should've had a montage of all the different ways that the previous test subjects died before, then you can see that this one really DID make it far and was impressive impressive. (sorry, couldn't help that one, take out one of those impressives)
The music all worked very well, except the 2nd to last cue when he gets to the girl. Either it didn't fit, or, I feel it would be more erie without it. You could do a cool quiet ambiance in the BG of a big empty wearhouse. He is hyper-aware, breathing heavy, looking for her, in pain, thumb hurts like hell, thinks he hears something, remembers, "hey, how DID she answer the phone, being all tied up as she was? There must be someone ELSE in here!!" It would also give you a chance to make things quiet before the big finale, which would give it more punch.
Why is it called VISCERAL? Don't get it. A more fitting title me thinks would be better.
Sorry if you think I'm tearing it to shreds. I know I would appreciate it if you did the same to me. When I have something that I feel is on this level, I'll put it up for your critiques. Overall, I was into it and thought you did a great job. Keep it up.
Tim
brock2621
Well-known member
Tim,
Bro, thanks for the feedback! It was great! I agree with you on a lot of this stuff. And also you gave me some really good ideas to implement into the 60 min version i've been throwing around. No joke, you'll see some of these in it Originally it was 20 mins long but i cut a lot out. Thanks again man and i'll seek you out to review my next project before i post it. haha
Bro, thanks for the feedback! It was great! I agree with you on a lot of this stuff. And also you gave me some really good ideas to implement into the 60 min version i've been throwing around. No joke, you'll see some of these in it
Originally it was 20 mins long but i cut a lot out. Thanks again man and i'll seek you out to review my next project before i post it. haha