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Hi Fritz,
I applaud your effort in seeking feedback to learn and improve from.
I think it's safe to say most first, second, third, fourth...and often many times more vids that we make will usually be "bad".
As an example - Peter Jackson states his own first attempts were unwatchable. I know mine hurt to watch as far as I was concerned.
But I think it's healthy to see this as an essential part of the process and not something to be feared. This can be pretty difficult in the "arts" world, where everyone is usually pretty desirous of being dubbed "talented". But everything I have learnt so far in life has taught me that success lives on the far side of failure... So if you truly want to succeed, then the best way is to get out there and fail as often as possible, until one day, lo and behold, you find all your failures and subsequent lessons have finally amounted to producing something which can actually be viewed as quite decent or even good. So congratulations on taking another vital step towards your success!
For myself I'm soon to shoot my first feature. It's been a lot of work and a long time coming, so of course I desperately want it to be great... But in truth, though even now the idea makes me feel a little sick, I am prepared that it may likely be far from.
In regards to some more specific feedback... as Davinci said "Art is never finished... only abandoned"
The truth is Fritz - as nothing else will really help you I believe - there are many things you could do to improve your work, so much so that I suspect, as evidenced by the views vs replies, that quite a few people may not feel its worth replying to your request because they will immediately sense where you are in your journey and know that you largely just need to keep working/failing. I'm sorry if that offends or hurts. I'm really not trying to be an asshole. I sincerely wish I could have grasped this understanding earlier in my own journey so I could have more happily gotten on with the far more important business of creating/failing/learning - rather than worrying about proving myself to anybody else, finding affirmation or searching for secret quick fix recipes on how to be good - as I did.
Anyhow, I'm sure you want something more specific... so the best feedback I can give specifically, is that I would encourage focusing above all on your storytelling first as the most critical aspect.
You have in my opinion a decent premise for a funny short vid... But I believe you would significantly benefit from taking your ideas and more throughly exploring them. The best thing I was ever taught in this regard was... "You usually don't have one idea worth keeping until you've already thrown a dozen away"
Once you can confidently say your story or ideas are as strong as you think you can make them, then your ready for the next step of figuring out how to best convey them... through which in the edit you then usually find you have come up short... get pissed off...question yourself... the piece... then re work it... and re work it...
till finally like a lesser Davinci your so sick of the bloody thing that you finally abandon it for the MUCH BETTER idea you now have!
And so you begin again... and then again... The film medium for me is like sculpture - you don't just make one perfect carve - it takes many thousand of little creative slices to bring the work to life. And this process first begins in your imagination/script. Enjoy it, it's when you truly get to play god, with nothing separating you in creative resources from even Steven Speilberg. Scripting/imagining is truly when film is at it's most democratic.
I Hope this is of some help. I can sincerely say that I wish I had learnt to expect my work not to be very good right form the start - but instead worked content in knowing that I was rigorously engaged in the art of failing and getting better... I still had many GREAT times, but I think I would have then felt less pressure and enjoyed myself even more along the way if I could have more consciously grasped this early on.
So, best of luck, and many many happy failings...
Sincerely,
LW