Need feedback on an idea

taormina said:
I actually don't think so. I did a long piece way back in college on Hernan Cortes and his whole 1519 conquest of the Aztecs, tenochtitlan, etc. I don't quite remember, but I'm pretty sure what we know as Lakota were formed at least a couple hundred years after Cortes. The Lakota at their peak were responsible for lots of trouble with wagon trains going west in the early to mid 19th century.

I don't remember for sure, but it's a worthwhile point for the author to explore since an anachronism like that pretty much wipes the story out.
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Well, let's see here. Considering I've studied American Indian culture and history most of my life, and considering that I'm Mexica-Yaqui, and considering one of my masters degrees is in Latin American history with an emphasis in ancient Mexican history (i.e., pre-Columbian) from UC Berkeley, AND considering that the Lakota existed long before Columbus arrived in 1492, I think my story is pretty solid with regards to the Lakota.
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OK, I'll grant you your vast knowledge; all I'm saying is that the premise, even to anyone with a topical knowledge of Native american history is pretty far fetched.....Indians from south dakota travelling all the way to Mexico City (thousands of miles) to hook up with Aztecs? For sure stranger things have happened, but wow.

All I was saying was that although the Sioux offshot (Lakota) have been around for thousands of years, i don't think they were called Lakota back then.

You're probably right. I'm married to a Cree myself.

In any case, I hope it works out for you.
 
I understand your point. Whether the Lakota identified as such in the 16th Century doesn't reallly matter though. What's important is that they represent a particular kind of American Indian that is very recognizable. You mention Indians and most people think tipis, feathers, buffalo, rain dances, etc--all characteristics of the Lakota way of life. The movie Dances With Wolves did a good job of humanizing the Lakota and further familiarizing Americans with this group. It's important that the audience be able to identify with the protagonists. It is through them that the audience will experience and learn about other Indian people, especially the Aztecs who are probably the most misunderstood Indians of all. People only know human sacrifice in regards to them, and even this is misunderstood.

Now, it may seem farfetched to have a group of Lakota men from South Dakota travel to central Mexico, but history makes it plausible. The Lakota were a nomadic people; they followed the buffalo herd. And the buffalo migration pattern extended as far north as Canada and as far south as northern Mexico. (The Aztecs had a vast menagerie/zoo where they had nearly every known animal and bird found in the Americas, including buffalo and Lamas. Lamas are indigenous to South America--all this points to a vast economy and widespread trading routes.)

It's not clear if the Lakota actually travelled this far south themselves, but they did venture as far as Colorado, and they were aware of the existence of the Aztecs. Some of the trade items plains Indians acquired, like conch shells from Yucatan, indicate this. So this works nicely with my story. My protagonists could begin their journey during a time when the tribe finds itself in the American southwest--this would bring them much closer to Mexico than if they began the journey from South Dakota. But it's a movie.

Thanks for your support.
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Tlalconetl said:
I think this pretty much says it:
Logline: After a dark illness overcomes their tribe, four young Lakota men travel to the land of the Aztecs to acquire a healing herb, but their quest takes a dramatic turn when they arrive on the eve of the Spanish Conquest.
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You might consider using "strong" words. For example:

As a dark illness decimates their tribe, four young Lakota patriots desperately race to the land of the Aztecs to obtain their nation's only hope. But the Spanish Conquest interrupts their mission and they must overcome two unbeatable foes: time, and the Spanish.

Best regards.
 
andromeda said:
You might consider using "strong" words. For example:

As a dark illness decimates their tribe, four young Lakota patriots desperately race to the land of the Aztecs to obtain their nation's only hope. But the Spanish Conquest interrupts their mission and they must overcome two unbeatable foes: time, and the Spanish.

Best regards.
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All adjectives / adverbs must die. In almost all cases, you can find a verb that does a stronger job in fewer words. That will give you more room for more powerful details and characterization. I also think you can drop Lakota; it will be meaningless for most people.

"As plague decimates their tribe, four warriors will seek the fabled Aztec empire, and their people's only hope. Far from home, on the eve of the Spanish conquest, they must stand together, or forever be lost to history."
 
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There are meso-american influences seen in artifacts of the Mississippian period in the Southeast US, so a trade route to the Lakota is plausible.

Perhaps a Lakota shaman warns the warriors of (some number) of tests they will encounter on their journey?

Would changing "four Lakota Indians" to "four Lakota warriors" be more appropriate, or do they become warriors as a result of the quest?
 
Tlalconetl said:
It's a 'goldern fleece' story, a 'roadtrip' movie. The herb of course is not the point of the story. The story is the self-discovery that the young Lakota men undergo--what they learn about themselves, about manhood, god, AND their connection to all of humanity. But it's also a story about American Indians in particular and what the Aztec empire was really like. The Lakota men have never seen a civlization like the Aztec's, and when they do, they are mesmerized, totally astounded. The big climax, as of now, is the Conquest itself. The Lakota fight alongside the Aztecs against the Spaniards and discover the true meaning of barbarity and inhumanity--at least, that's where I'm headed.
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I dig the basic idea.

I imagine the Lakota are fighting alongside the Aztecs, because being from out-of-country, they don't know the Aztecs, very well...

agcohn said:
What's that?
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"The Elements of Style" is a very useful book, by Strunk & White.
 
agcohn said:
What's that?
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Strunk & White is a classic writing style manual. Every serious writer should have a copy and use it, in my opinion.

I like your logline better than mine; I had too mny adverbs in mine. I would replace "will" with "must" though. Otherwise, extremely well done!
 
andromeda said:
Strunk & White is a classic writing style manual. Every serious writer should have a copy and use it, in my opinion.

I like your logline better than mine; I had too mny adverbs in mine. I would replace "will" with "must" though. Otherwise, extremely well done!
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I will check it out.

Looking back at the log-line, I agree about the "must." I think I would also add "...of survival" to the end of "their people's only hope..." I would also change "forever be lost to history" to "be forever lost to history." It just has a better ring to it.


"As plague decimates their tribe, four warriors must seek the fabled Aztec empire, and their people's only hope of survival. Far from home, on the eve of the Spanish conquest, they must stand together, or be forever lost to history."


I also wonder if "seek out" would sound better than "seek."

"As plague decimates their tribe, four warriors must seek out the fabled Aztec empire, and their people's only hope of survival. Far from home, on the eve of the Spanish conquest, they must stand together, or be forever lost to history."

Kind of a toss-up.
 
agcohn said:
I also wonder if "seek out" would sound better than "seek."


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That's under lesson #19 in Strunk and White, "Omit needless words!"

"Seek" is better than "Seek out".

I like the logline too. It's in the Impossible Journey category.
 
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