Need feedback on an idea

T

Tlalconetl

Well-known member
I'm writing a screenplay about American Indians. Here's the logline:
A Lakota hunting party travels to the Aztec Empire on the eve of the Spanish Conquest in search of a sacred herb whose trade has been mysteriously halted.

Any feedback is greatly appreciated.
Thanks you.
Victor
 
Needs more information. What happens when they get there, and how does it turn out? What's the big event that leads to the final climactic conclusion?
 
Tlalconetl said:
I'm writing a screenplay about American Indians. Here's the logline:
A Lakota hunting party travels to the Aztec Empire on the eve of the Spanish Conquest in search of a sacred herb whose trade has been mysteriously halted.

Any feedback is greatly appreciated.
Thanks you.
Victor
Click to expand...

Can't think of anything off hand but if you get more of the herb, let me know, I could use some.
 
It's a 'goldern fleece' story, a 'roadtrip' movie. The herb of course is not the point of the story. The story is the self-discovery that the young Lakota men undergo--what they learn about themselves, about manhood, god, AND their connection to all of humanity. But it's also a story about American Indians in particular and what the Aztec empire was really like. The Lakota men have never seen a civlization like the Aztec's, and when they do, they are mesmerized, totally astounded. The big climax, as of now, is the Conquest itself. The Lakota fight alongside the Aztecs against the Spaniards and discover the true meaning of barbarity and inhumanity--at least, that's where I'm headed.
 
Needs meat

Needs meat

A logline should include the main obstacle your hero/s need to overcome, and what is at risk if they don't.

a
 
alex whitmer said:
A logline should include the main obstacle your hero/s need to overcome, and what is at risk if they don't.

a
Click to expand...

How about this:
Logline: A Lakota hunting party travels to the Aztec empire to acquire a sacred herb and arrive in the city on the eve of the Spanish Conquest.
 
While shy, peaceful Langundo stands helplessly watching his father die from a dark illness, his mother tells him there is a sacred healing herb growing in a land far past the great river. Others in the clan are getting sick and he must go while he is strong. Four other young Lakota men join him to make the long journey. As they go they learn about manhood, the Great Spirit and many other wonderful things and especially the Aztec people and their young maidens. Just as they begin to understand their place in the world and are granted the rights to the healing herb their world is shattered by the conquering Spaniards. Now Lakota warriors, led by Langundo, they join their brother Aztecs and fight to reach the land of the healing herb that he must bring to his dying people. Then Langundo friends abandoned him but he cannot run away for the Spaniards have captured a beautiful young Aztec maiden. He trades himself for her and pledges to become the slave of the captain of the Conquistadors to set her free.
 
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ckalan1 said:
While shy, peaceful Langundo stands helplessly watching his father die from a dark illness, his mother tells him there is a sacred healing herb growing in a land far past the great river. Others in the clan are getting sick and he must go while he is strong. Four other young Lakota men join him to make the long journey. As they go they learn about manhood, the Great Spirit and many other wonderful things and especially the Aztec people and their young maidens. Just as they begin to understand their place in the world and are granted the rights to the healing herb their world is shattered by the conquering Spaniards. Now Lakota warriors, led by Langundo, they join their brother Aztecs and fight to reach the land of the healing herb that he must bring to his dying people. Then Langundo friends abandoned him but he cannot run away for the Spaniards have captured a beautiful young Aztec maiden. He trades himself for her and pledges to become the slave of the captain of the Conquistadors to set her free.
Click to expand...

Yes! Ths is similar to what I had in mind. The "dark illness" could be smallpox, which preceded the Europeans wherever they went. Thanks for the help!
 
Nope

Nope

I'm no logline master by any strech. I find it easier to write a script than a logline. The old adage is if you can't write a logline, then you don't really understand your story. I buy into that about 70%.

How about something like this ...

Four young Lakota Indians set out on a journey to find a sacred herb and their manhood. When they end up in an Aztec city on the eve of the Spanish conquest, they must rely on each other's strength to overcome murder, treachery, and human sacrafice.

Like I said, I'm no master, but there needs to be a risk and an obstacle.

A

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
 
"On the eve of the Spanish Conquest, four Lakota Indians head into the great Aztec Empire, in search of a sacred herb. To save their loved ones from terrifying epidemic, they must depend on each other in this new and terrifying world they have entered."


Sounds like there's potential, but it could go a million different ways from that log-line. In my opinion it seems like an almost textbook example of something that could follow Joseph Campbell's mythic story structure: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monomyth
 
agcohn said:
"On the eve of the Spanish Conquest, four Lakota Indians head into the great Aztec Empire, in search of a sacred herb. To save their loved ones from terrifying epidemic, they must depend on each other in this new and terrifying world they have entered."


Sounds like there's potential, but it could go a million different ways from that log-line. In my opinion it seems like an almost textbook example of something that could follow Joseph Campbell's mythic story structure: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monomyth
Click to expand...

That's absolutely right. I think the best book on story telling is Campbell's The Hero With a Thousand Faces. This story I'm writing is absolutely rooted in myth. It's an ancient story, but with a "new" face.
Best,
Victor
 
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ckalan1 said:
Here is a good reference to help you with writing a logline.
http://www.scriptologist.com/Magazine/Tips/Logline/logline.html
You also should check out www.totallywrite.com

Many great stories follow the monomyth (the hero's journey, Star Wars, Finding Nemo, Lion King, Home Alone etc. ). I agree with agcohn, sounds like your story has potential. Keep plugging away.
Click to expand...


Thanks for the links guys. That's a great distillation of Hero With a Thousand Faces. That's the structure I aim to follow--just need to come up with the details of the story. The logline link is great--similar to Blake Snyder's break down in his book, Save The Cat.
Best,
Victor
 
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I think this pretty much says it:
Logline: After a dark illness overcomes their tribe, four young Lakota men travel to the land of the Aztecs to acquire a healing herb, but their quest takes a dramatic turn when they arrive on the eve of the Spanish Conquest.
 
Tlalconetl said:
I think this pretty much says it:
Logline: After a dark illness overcomes their tribe, four young Lakota men travel to the land of the Aztecs to acquire a healing herb, but their quest takes a dramatic turn when they arrive on the eve of the Spanish Conquest.
Click to expand...
I think it could be stronger. You need to be more specific about the dramatic turn. It's almost like saying "and drama ensues."

The log-line should give a sense of the beginning, middle, and end. And it should encapsulate the primary conflict. I'm not sure what the primary story is when I read your log-line. It sounds like the men start off doing one thing, and then the Spanish Conquest become the A-story. You need to capture the epic and mythic nature of your story in the log-line.
 
The question I have is whether the Lakota tribe even existed under that name in 1519. Methinks not.
 
I actually don't think so. I did a long piece way back in college on Hernan Cortes and his whole 1519 conquest of the Aztecs, tenochtitlan, etc. I don't quite remember, but I'm pretty sure what we know as Lakota were formed at least a couple hundred years after Cortes. The Lakota at their peak were responsible for lots of trouble with wagon trains going west in the early to mid 19th century.

I don't remember for sure, but it's a worthwhile point for the author to explore since an anachronism like that pretty much wipes the story out.
 
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