Ned's Three N's...

lawriejaffa said:
Yeah um i think whenever the reaction to a script is too obvious - in this case 'omg im so offended by this' hehe then you have to stop and remember the word 'pastiche' or irony or something lol.

So this is a running joke with your wife Pauly hehe, this perhaps explains some of the rationale over this script! Anything too idiosyncratic (did i even spell that right) especially a joke between you and your wife is not necessarily going to translate so well in the public domain!!!

Anyway as a script ive got to say my sentiments are similar to those already conveyed, except i dont think protagonists etc need to have this or that to qualify a story (it can be compensated in other areas.) But this script didn't appear to be trying to be taken as a serious entry anyway - more of a hehe affair!

In that case it succeeded cos although sick lol, it was funny from the perspective that i actually sat reading it and analysing it lol when its just a joke really!

Anyway thanks for entering dude ;)
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I didn't mean the story was a joke by no means. It started that I actually had a friend that is Narcoleptic and he would just dose in the middle of whatever we were doing. Wake up and start right back where he left off. So this being said one day i told my wife it would be funny if he was a necrophiliac and he would get caught with his pants down so to speak, of course being a nymphomaniac just makes it funnier and all and all I am just a weird guy trying to tell a sick story. Sorry about the double tale. I agree it would have been much funnier if he was also a compulsive liar to boot. Maybe next time. So if you are offended by my little tale of sickness great that is exactly how I would react if I read something like this. And just for the record I am not really all that twisted, I just have a sick sense of humor and love to shock the masses.
Pauly
 
Hey Pauly,

Off the bat, formatting wise this is pretty far off. That's all easy to fix. I think the colored text and caps should be the first to go, then we can jump into the nitty-gritty. That's small potatoes.

Story wise I like the piece. It's not as polished and defined as it should be, but it's a brave adventure for a writer to take.

I did a little research on the subject for a feature I worked on, and discovered necrophelia and bestiality are far more common than folks care to know.

That said, I don't have an issue with sexing dead chicks as subject matter. I think what is missing is a solid plot with a disastrous outcome if certain goals are not met. You hint at it with the girlfriend finding out, but that could be better defined.

I would like to see you develop this. The morgue business is not all roses and lilies.

Morticians dump bodies to save on actual burial costs, then resell the caskets. They steal the jewelry off the bodies just before they close the casket on final viewing day, and I have no doubt some weird perversions go on as well.

Work on your formatting and plot skills, and never be afraid to tell these kinds of stories.

aw
 
alex whitmer said:
Hey Pauly,

Off the bat, formatting wise this is pretty far off. That's all easy to fix. I think the colored text and caps should be the first to go, then we can jump into the nitty-gritty. That's small potatoes.

Story wise I like the piece. It's not as polished and defined as it should be, but it's a brave adventure for a writer to take.

I did a little research on the subject for a feature I worked on, and discovered necrophelia and bestiality are far more common than folks care to know.

That said, I don't have an issue with sexing dead chicks as subject matter. I think what is missing is a solid plot with a disastrous outcome if certain goals are not met. You hint at it with the girlfriend finding out, but that could be better defined.

I would like to see you develop this. The morgue business is not all roses.

Morticians dump bodies to save on actual burial costs, then resel the caskets. They steal the jewelry off the bodies just before they close the casket on final viewing day, and I have no doubt some wierd perversions go on as well.

Work on your formatting and plot skills, and never be afraid to tell these kinds of stories.

aw
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Thanks Alex,
I value your opinion more then most and am glad to hear these comments. I will say once again I really don't consider myself a writer but a story teller and that is my gift. I wanted to send it to you for your opinion before I uploaded it but ran out of time. I will let you read the next one before submission as to get your invaluable insight. I am never afraid to let people know what devious things are rattling around inside my strange little head. As far as the color I used montage and didn't realize it would populate the PDF in color, thats what I get for not checking it first I suppose. And as for the caps not sure how that happened but it all ended up that way and I didn't have time to rewrite the whole thing before I submitted. Thanks for all the great feedback it is greatly appreciated.
Pauly
 
Sometimes you ask yourself whether you're not laughing at something because you have no sense of humour or the joke's not good enough. I think what you say you're trying to do is very very hard. If it's close to the line, you run the risk of crossing it. This one's waving at me from the other side, although that's just my opinion.

Irony, that kind of stuff, twisted humour, I'm all for it. Maybe I'm losing something just in the clarity of the way it's written, but I guess I just didn't see it. I can't fault you for a second for trying though, I have a lot of respect for having had the balls to take it on!

I think a script that gets a reaction is always better than a script that gets ambivalence.
 
Is it outlandish?
Is it ridiculous?
It is absurd?
The answer to the above is "Callaghan's Three Y's"...

But that's okay. I laughed my balls off while reading it because of those very abovementioned reasons.

From the moment I saw the multi-colored format, I asked WTF? A question, I soon saw, would never be answered...only repeated over and over, and over again as I began to read on.

Your unique brand of humor is a gas...but your storytelling skills (in this incarnation at least) may be better suited for a different literary medium (IE short story).



***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line:
"Promise not to bang my mother when she dies."

Also:
Maybe I didn't write it down, or maybe I forgot...
but what is the third "N"? (I got necrophilia and narcolepsy)

Cheers:beer:
 
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preston said:
nymphomania :)
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Gotcha
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Sorry Pauly, but this one didn't do anything for me. Thanks for continuing to beat your own drum though. :beer:
 
I'll be honest, it didn't float my boat at all. Reading some of the feedback on here has changed my mind to it slightly - I can almost see where you're coming from now, but I think it could have been FAR better executed.

I won't bang on about the formatting - you already know about it, there's no point in me saying it again, but I would advise on a few commas here and there, it makes it a lot easier to read.

I did find the story a bit objectionable, but I can see why some people would find it amusing. I guess it's all personal taste, but your dialogue needs some serious work. With the exception of "Promise you won't **** my mother when she dies" (which made me giggle) it was all rather stilted. Everybody talked like a bad stereotype, and all 4 of your main characters seemed to have exactly the same personality and speech patterns. I think situations like this are far better written if you have somebody in each scene who doesn't see the funny side, as opposed to all the characters just going along with everybody else. Did that make sense? Probably not, I think I'm rambling.

Also, I know you've said you kind of wrote it with the intention of it being 'B-Movie Bad', so to speak. The reason those films were 'so bad they're good' was that they were being filmed in all seriousness. The people involved really believed they were working on something great, and that's part of the charm. If you go into something trying to make it 'bad', then I don't think it will work. Just my two cents.

Overall - not my cup of tea, but I think it could be worked on and polished into one of those niche little scripts that most people don't get, but a few think are fabulous!
 
I think there are too many roads to travel and avenues to take when commenting on this one, so rather than write a book, I'm just gonna say that I belong in the "It didn't do anything for me" category. The 3 "N" concept is neat, but the execution just wasn't there for me.
 
of course there are elements that could be improved, but -

it was definitely entertaining. it kept me reading. it made me laugh.

the story line crossed many boundaries that others wouldn't dare, and did so in an amusing way.


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Pauly, you are one sick mo-fo.

JUST KIDDING - I thought that was a great read! I wasn't offended at all, we're writing pulp fiction, right? Anything goes. Hard to imagine a darker character than Ned. He had the 3 N's and the big M (murderer) for good measure.

I like that you took the risk of going so far into non-PC land. Half your audience could get disgusted and drop the script after just a few pages. But you went for it anyway, and the final result was way-cool. Keep it up man! :beer:
 
I read the whole thing and wasn't offended at all. That was until the end and it turned out to be a dream, argh. Maybe, I'm a sicko, but I really wanted to know where this was going. And the dream ending bugged me. It did throw it into comedy land, but everything leading up to it was so far from comedy that I just couldn't laugh. I guess if I found murder and necrophilia funny I would have enjoyed the ending more. Good job, rarely do short scripts elicit so much emotion.
 
First off I would lose the color and concentrate on formatting issues - i.e. slug lines, caps etc.

Story wise it needs work along with dialog but I went through the thread first to see if I had anything new to add and I don't.

Making it all a dream was a good idea. Run with this and polish it up. Maybe set it in the '70's might suit the style/story better.

Keep at it...
 
Can't argue with the fact that its original ;)
I personally wasn't offended by the subject matter. I won't bother commenting on the formatting.
But, in the beginning, just clear up whats actually being seen. We see Ned's a**, but I didn't know he was on a table with a dead chick til later. Just some more description.

A lot of the dialogue sounded stilted, on the nose. While some of it sounded genuine. But telling the story about the dead prostitute was a bit long and then you told it twice. I don't mind the story, maybe just condense it a bit.

The line ...Don't F my Mother made me laugh.


This story was definitely Super Pulpy!
 
"No one wants to watch guys talk about f*cking dead people, saying 'dude' every other line, and calling each other fags. It's not funny." <--This guy would hate me. I would have to say it was, in fact, quite funny. I love it when someone is ballsy enough to cross those boundaries on here. Too few are willing to do that. It had its problems, but it was entertaining and it was, lord forbid, a departure from the norm. Keep it up!
 
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