Mind Games

I planned on a thriller but wrote a character study. Not a thriller for sure. Maybe I'll come up with something different and meet the deadline.
 
I've changed a thing to give it a thriller feel :)) I'm going to submit it since I've already wrote it.
 
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LOGLINE: A knife game champion has to play with his rivals' minds in order to stay on top.
 
Thanks.

I was suggested to change "when conscience stands on a way" to "when I don't know what I'm doing":)) but I declined.

This poster was done on PowerPoint and saved to PDF! Can't say I'm not proud of it. I only wish that the script was half as good!
 
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Cool poster. I like the effects. I wish I had checked everyone's posters before posting mine. I probably would have done something different. I also have a hand in mine. :embarasse Can't wait to read your script.
 
Thanks for welcoming me! I'm planning to read all the scripts.

Yeah, Bridget, I'm curious to see what your hand is about:)) Your poster is great, by the way.
 
Hi Khammana, just read your script.

*spoilers*

I was really taken with the story and the characters. I found the knife games to be quite compelling. I really enjoyed the passing of the tapes as the tricks to be a champ are passed on, as the information was passed to him from Gramps.

Nice little world of underground knife-game gamblers.

I wasn't too sure of the offering the bodyguard a job. He's not really a proven champ. Could he afford him?


Well done, a great read.
 
Alright, here's my page by page nitpicky review. Just to remind you, do not take this personally, some people have a hard time with this step. My review is designed to help. My review bears little influence on my scores. I mainly score for story and overall execution.

Pg 1
- Hey, this looks like a pro script page one.
Pg 2
- Man I got sucked in and didn't realize I was on page 2 already.
- Seems odd that David would mention the lucky knife again after the contest. Why not something less OTN. Have him put the knife in his pocket and pat it, then say 'You gotta get one'.
Pg 3
- I'm pretty sure it's best to put in parenthesis (on video) next to the name and not is tiny print.
Pg 4
- 'brings a piece of damp tissue to it' sounds awkward. I would change to something like 'They cover his face with a damp tissue' ok that probably sucks, but you get the point. As a reader your line tripped me up is all.
Pg 5
- Hand Watch? What the heck is that? I heard of a wrist watch, pocket watch, stop watch, but not a hand watch.
Pg 6
- 'Let go. Come on. It's on me.' missing that 's'

This a nice growing old story. The McGuffin played an appropriate roll. Good Job.
 
Marshall,

Thanks so much for your review, helpful to know that bodyguard did not work for you.
I got a feeling you liked it! And even if I'm wrong please don't correct me.

Chris,

You don't need an introduction to your review:)) Thanks! It's all helpful. If I didn't want to be critiqued I wouldn't post. --All good points.
 
honestly, i was confused... it wasn't clear to me how he was cheating? was it a trick knife?

it was intriguing, but i got lost...
 
Quick read. Good form for the most part. I think you should make the FLASHBACK's more clear with the FB device maybe... I didn't understand how he was cheating unless he was using council and that was considered cheating. I really like the fast paced action and visuals of the knife play. That shi* makes me hypnotized when I see it. Way to suck me in!
 
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Head Games is his trick. he psychs them out. But is that cheating or good sportsmanship. hmmm

Make this a feature! It could be bigger that 'Over The Top'. :)
 
Oh, I managed to confuse so many:)

At the very beginning David plays with Gary (first game) - he lies to Garry, saying that he never looses because of the lucky knife. Garry's sees the encryption (David's grandpa Miller was a champ once), thus gets psychologically affected and can't play that good.

Rebound match - David says it's not luck, it's the skill, shows many knifes with the encryption on them - Garry kind of affected again, sweating and all.

Once you understand it might not make sense to you though:)

Anthony, there are no flashbacks. He doesn't see anything, he just hears the sounds. Maybe it'd be better if I had flashbacks instead of sounds in his head, but... I tried something new:) Flashbacks would take up more space, that's for sure.

Thanks to everyone for the feedback! Even telling me that you're left confused helps:)

Chris, I'm thrilled that you like it. None of my stuff has been produced and I decided to postpone writing another feature before I get some luck with producers.
 
i like the topic of knife games too. it is definitely something we don't see often... or ever even... so it was unique and, therefore, interesting. i was thinking it was a trick knife... guess i should have paid more attention to the title ;) the tapes were a bit confusing to me and the body guard could have been left out, but all in all i liked it and i would be interested to see how it played out on screen. good work :)
 
Thanks Jamie. I read mine again ( gave it a while) and the tapes were a bit confusing to me too:)

Also looks like I had to underline the words METAL and GOLDEN.
No matter how I play with it though the script may still seem confusing.
 
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Well, now I want to go get a knife out of my kitchen and see how well I do - ha-ha! Better not. Very unique script and topic - really liked it. I did feel a little confused at the end. David left the business so that made Garry the champion? I think maybe Grandpa Miller was playing mind games with David with those videos. It all felt very subtle - like the story itself was a mind game - very cool.
 
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