Lost and Found
- Thread starter Reelworld
- Start date
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Nice poster, welcome to the party.
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
I love question loglines. They always engage me. Poster comes across well.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
****Don't read reviews until you've read the script.
Notes:
- I'm guilty of using names in dialog too much. Would he call him Junior when only expressing 'Good Job'?
- Need and extra space before the scene heading to make the division of scenes more clear.
- Action blocks look someone thick. Look for chances to trim and compress. White space is your friend.
- Don't tell us we see a series of shots in your action block, but write it out as a series of shots. You had the page space to do it.
- Oh no pot! It now has an 'R' rating.
Of course shorts never get rated.
- Oh no he's dead.
- I don't see a mom mentioning 'secondary' unless she's a huge football fan.
- I like the end.
You don't want the twist reveal to happen very long after the audience has figured it out. It was a very nice story. Some of your descriptions need tightening with an eye on the visual nothing a rewrite can't fix. Good Job.
Notes:
- I'm guilty of using names in dialog too much. Would he call him Junior when only expressing 'Good Job'?
- Need and extra space before the scene heading to make the division of scenes more clear.
- Action blocks look someone thick. Look for chances to trim and compress. White space is your friend.
- Don't tell us we see a series of shots in your action block, but write it out as a series of shots. You had the page space to do it.
- Oh no pot! It now has an 'R' rating.
Of course shorts never get rated. - Oh no he's dead.
- I don't see a mom mentioning 'secondary' unless she's a huge football fan.
- I like the end.
You don't want the twist reveal to happen very long after the audience has figured it out. It was a very nice story. Some of your descriptions need tightening with an eye on the visual nothing a rewrite can't fix. Good Job.
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
**SPOILAGE
1 - How young is he?
1 - OKay we're years later, but he's still a boy? I'm not getting a sense of his age span.
2 - Okay so they are 13?
6 - Your action blocks are big. If you break them up it might be a quicker read.
6 - autom"i"bile
Interesting story, I think if he would have been speaking to his father the whole time and everyone just blows him off... that would have made your twist even better. Some form of foreshadowing. Check the active voice. It makes a major difference in screenwriting. You've got the makings of something very clever here. Gut wrenching too.
SIDE NOTE--
If you get a chance to read mine, the script I uploaded to DVX has a clerical error.
So if you download it, it's not the right one...
Here's the proper one.
DEATH BY COP: http://bit.ly/qq2c1G
1 - How young is he?
1 - OKay we're years later, but he's still a boy? I'm not getting a sense of his age span.
2 - Okay so they are 13?
6 - Your action blocks are big. If you break them up it might be a quicker read.
6 - autom"i"bile
Interesting story, I think if he would have been speaking to his father the whole time and everyone just blows him off... that would have made your twist even better. Some form of foreshadowing. Check the active voice. It makes a major difference in screenwriting. You've got the makings of something very clever here. Gut wrenching too.
SIDE NOTE--
If you get a chance to read mine, the script I uploaded to DVX has a clerical error.
So if you download it, it's not the right one...
Here's the proper one.
DEATH BY COP: http://bit.ly/qq2c1G
Last edited:
BasilSunshine
Member
***SPOILERS***
OK, here we go.
"manages to hit Mr. McGregor on the butt as he leans over to pull a weed, forcing him to step into the path of his sprinkler." LOL
Oh no, the Dad is dead isn't he... that's so sad.
Oh my God, how sad the ending is. I'm crying now
That is an accomplishment.
The only thing I can point out to help is that having action blocks of more than 4 lines is frowned upon so maybe break those up a little.
This is really a great story. I would sound more enthusiastic if I weren't crying all over my monitor. Great job, really great job.
OK, here we go.
"manages to hit Mr. McGregor on the butt as he leans over to pull a weed, forcing him to step into the path of his sprinkler." LOL
Oh no, the Dad is dead isn't he... that's so sad.
Oh my God, how sad the ending is. I'm crying now
That is an accomplishment.The only thing I can point out to help is that having action blocks of more than 4 lines is frowned upon so maybe break those up a little.
This is really a great story. I would sound more enthusiastic if I weren't crying all over my monitor. Great job, really great job.
Anthony, I agree with you whole-heartedly. I was torn between setting this up in a quick three act story, but eventually opted for this Cliff-Notes version. Because of that I added probably more details than is necessary, but have always thought that more description for the director helps him/her understand what the screenwriter was envisioning. Thanks again for the feedback.
Sunk99
Well-known member
I give script criticism by the line as I read.
Pg 1 His back is to the camera. **This rips the reader from the story. Show visuals, not direct the camera.
two adult hands come into frame, **And here again. I won't mention this from here on should it continue to occur.
YEARS LATER **Needs a way to show the time lapse
Pg 2 We see **I know I said I wouldn't mention it, but using "we see" in a script is major rip from then story.
Later, he waves **How is the time lapse shown?
EXT. PARK-DAY-YEARS LATER ** again how is this shown?
Pg 3 The group starts to disband. **I assume this means they are walking away? Show it.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD-DAY-YEARS LATER ** again how shown?
The activity, energy and colors of a high school football game burst onto the screen. **Hmmm...this is more novelistic than script. Describe the visuals and sounds. Don't expect the reader to create the scene.
His teammates are all friendly to him, **Same goes here. Show us how they are being friendly - smiling, clapping him on the back, etc.
sees something unseen **What is shown visually to the audience and how?
Pg 4 the line parts to let him through **This needs some sort of lead in to explain why they would do such for an opposing team member.
Pg 5 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET-DUSK-YEARS LATER **How shown?
he seems taller **novelistic - how shown?
Pg 6 automibile **typo
driven by the drunk **describe what is seen.
A good story, but needs better visuals to become a great script. With the correct visuals the story would be more powerful and the reveal better.
Well done.
Pg 1 His back is to the camera. **This rips the reader from the story. Show visuals, not direct the camera.
two adult hands come into frame, **And here again. I won't mention this from here on should it continue to occur.
YEARS LATER **Needs a way to show the time lapse
Pg 2 We see **I know I said I wouldn't mention it, but using "we see" in a script is major rip from then story.
Later, he waves **How is the time lapse shown?
EXT. PARK-DAY-YEARS LATER ** again how is this shown?
Pg 3 The group starts to disband. **I assume this means they are walking away? Show it.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD-DAY-YEARS LATER ** again how shown?
The activity, energy and colors of a high school football game burst onto the screen. **Hmmm...this is more novelistic than script. Describe the visuals and sounds. Don't expect the reader to create the scene.
His teammates are all friendly to him, **Same goes here. Show us how they are being friendly - smiling, clapping him on the back, etc.
sees something unseen **What is shown visually to the audience and how?
Pg 4 the line parts to let him through **This needs some sort of lead in to explain why they would do such for an opposing team member.
Pg 5 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET-DUSK-YEARS LATER **How shown?
he seems taller **novelistic - how shown?
Pg 6 automibile **typo
driven by the drunk **describe what is seen.
A good story, but needs better visuals to become a great script. With the correct visuals the story would be more powerful and the reveal better.
Well done.
KhamIsk
Well-known member
Ah, poor Papa - been dead all the way, just like the one in mine
But good misdirect, I really couldn't tell. Very good story, I breezed through it.
I'd get rid of all "we see"
p6 maybe Junior's footprints - typo
Really nice dialog, dialog is hard to get and I remember you're saying you were a newbie - doesn't show - the dialog, the hardest thing to get is just perfect, organic and all.
But good misdirect, I really couldn't tell. Very good story, I breezed through it.
I'd get rid of all "we see"
p6 maybe Junior's footprints - typo
Really nice dialog, dialog is hard to get and I remember you're saying you were a newbie - doesn't show - the dialog, the hardest thing to get is just perfect, organic and all.
Mobie540
Well-known member
I have mixed feelings with this one. Mostly it has to do with how it's written. I believe the story is there. First, I thought Junior was slow and limping from the beginning. I think you should make the difference more clear between the first and second scene. Second, you tow the line of fantasy with Papa's footsteps at the end. Essentially changing the tone. Difficult to swallow as it seems to come out of no where. So a little more work with how you set up the world in which these character's live in would help if you choose that route. Some smaller stuff, I think the uncle should be introduced earlier, maybe swap him in instead of the truck driver. Seems a bit random this Uncle comes out of no where. Overall I like the story a lot, the reveal with the how Junior is the way he is works for me. I adored the football scene, so Americana. Great job overall.
jasonthewho
Veteran
I really liked the football scene. Very sweet and emotional. I got the twist very early. Probably doesn't help that this is the last script I read, and a similar twist appeared in at least two other entries. I assumed that the flashback was triggered in Junior by the fishing pole, but his actual line that follows implies that he still doesn't remember his father's death. I wonder what would happen if he realized the truth, and where the story would go. How Junior could cope with life without his dad. Or we could see that he knew the truth, and yet pushed it down and buried it.
I enjoyed this a lot, and found Junior a very likable character, despite his obsession with his "Papa".
I enjoyed this a lot, and found Junior a very likable character, despite his obsession with his "Papa".
simonpwood
Well-known member
Ok, so I figured the father was dead early on (but I guess you are meant to, or given the theme of the contest it was the only possible outcome).
I liked the story, but at the beginning thought Junior was maybe a little cliched (the fact that he slurs and limps, and that he is the waterboy). It made sense in the end though; that he was both injured and traumatized.
Good ending, and a nice story. Probably a difficult one to film given the different time periods that it takes place in. A good read though.
I liked the story, but at the beginning thought Junior was maybe a little cliched (the fact that he slurs and limps, and that he is the waterboy). It made sense in the end though; that he was both injured and traumatized.
Good ending, and a nice story. Probably a difficult one to film given the different time periods that it takes place in. A good read though.
Jasonthewho, thanks for reading. You're absolutely right in assuming the fishing pole triggered the flashback. I toyed with probably five different endings trying to figure out which would have the best emotional ending, yet still wrap things up properly. I did think about your suggestions, but ultimately decided on this one.